Maybe I should have thought about this earlier. - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

AirForceWifeInUtah · 06-23-2009, 03:10 AM

So I've gone to the orientation meeting, filled out the registration form on the web that is required by the surgeon and am waiting for a phone call from their office to schedule an appointment.

I run into a problem now. I haven't yet spoken to my husband about the surgery. I know that he knows I'm considering it. He's most likely seen the "Surgical Weight Loss Center of Utah" big red folder in the back seat of my truck... he's been using it the last few days. Including the day I had his debit card, thought I left it in the truck, it ended up being temporarily lost... he tore apart my truck looking for my wallet. So ya... I know he's seen it, he just hasn't said anything about it yet. Probably waiting on me to say something.

What do I say? How do I say it? I feel really guilty about not having said something before, but he's of the real serious and strict "if you just put the f*cking fork down and get off your ass more, you'll lose weight" school.
He'd never dream of saying such to me, but I've heard him say similar things in general. He has a real tendancy to comment on overweight people while in my presence. He knows that it bothers his foster sister and his foster mother, so he refrains from fat comments around them, but around me, he feels free to criticize overweight people in general.

He's not a fan of my half sister at all (but neither am i) and when I mention she had WLS, he scoffs. That just may be that she never took care of herself though. A few weeks out of surgery and she was eating candy canes and roast beef sandwiches, bread and all.

I'm not precisely sure what his feelings on the surgery are, but a few people he knows from before we got married had the surgery and he just doesn't seem too impressed about it.

I'm not looking for approval for the surgery from him.... I just want to let him know that I'm going to do this for my health and I need his support if he'll lend it to me.

I want this whole affair to be as private as possible and it's hard to approach him with something like this when we just had a friend of ours that he works with, move in. It's not like he's always in our business. He's quiet, stays to himself and mostly is in his own room playing video games... but it's a small apartment and sound travels incredibly well.

I've always been a pretty private person. Pretty quiet. For cripes sake, I drove myself to the emergency room at 3 a.m. when my gall bladder was ready to burst and my mom never got a phone call until I was officially diagnosed 6 hours later. The lack of communication and secrecy is purely my own upbringing, which has spilled over into my marriage. I know I can talk to him about anything and he'll listen. He may not agree but he'll let me say my peace.... I just have problems in communicating.

Josephine · 06-23-2009, 03:59 AM

My honest opinion is that when you got married, you promised your husband that decisions would be discussed and decided upon jointly. It's fine to gather information on your own to knowledgably present your case, but that time has come and gone. It's time to man up and talk to him about it hon.

TheFour · 06-23-2009, 05:43 AM

Uh-oh! Airforce kept a secret, na na na na I am not telling you.

So that was the funny part.

You need to sit him down and tell him that you are moving forward with surgery. You cant keep secrets like that from him, unless one of the kids belongs to the mailman. haha (another funny)

I am full of myself today. cant stop just loving me. Try it. feels good right?

Tell your husband- woman!!!!!

poet_kelly · 06-23-2009, 07:30 AM

Well, obviously you're going to have to tell him. Just sit him down and have a heart to heart. If you're worried about the friend overhearing, do it when the friend isn't home, or take him out to dinner and do it there.

Kelly

AirForceWifeInUtah · 06-23-2009, 01:29 PM

Well it's never been a question of telling him or not, just how to approach it.

I've always been a shameful fat person.

"Don't tell anyone about this diet you're on because if it fails, they'll just laugh at you, but if it works, I can feel free to mention it later"

This is where my secrecy comes from, shame. With years and years and years of it piled on, I still have problems communicating about my weight. To anyone.

I can understand why Doctors have recently been hesitant about speaking to patients about weight issues and fearing lawsuits. Some of us just don't want the pink elephant in the room acknowledged. We know it's there, we're working on it NOT being there, but it's still there and you don't need to remind us of something we already think about more than you can imagine.

poet_kelly · 06-23-2009, 01:42 PM

OK. Tell him you have something important to talk to him about. Tell him you were hesitant to tell him before this because you weren't sure what his reaction would be. Tell him you have decided it is time once and for all to do something about your weight problem and that you have decided to make an appointment with a surgeon to discuss WLS. Go from there.

Kelly

AirForceWifeInUtah · 06-23-2009, 01:49 PM

Ahhh nerves. The sugeons office just called.

My appointment to meet with them and do the all the meetings with the nut and the psych and insurance specialist is August 19th.

TheFour · 06-23-2009, 02:54 PM

Ok, my day at work is over and I am not full of myself.

Approach this like sex. Go somewhere private, get mentally naked with him, let lose and spill the beans. He is your husband, mate, lover, best friend. Just act like your on top and tell him. Be confident and in charge of you, so he knows you mean business. You can do this. After all you are a military wife. Those are some of the strongest women I have ever met, seriously.

Good luck and do it soon so you dont freak yourself out.

astona · 06-24-2009, 07:41 AM

I would just tell him. Tell him that he knows how hard you have tried, and that you want to loose the weight to be healthy. And that it doesn't matter what others think that it is yours and his opinions that matter to you. And that you need him to back you and be a cheer leader on your side, and that you know he will be there for you.

Then ask him how he feels about this..... Hopefully he will be supportive