..... - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

jerseygrl684 · 06-16-2009, 07:31 PM

need to delete this....

KarenInKali · 06-16-2009, 07:40 PM

((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) and more later.... just wanted to let you know someone is watching and reading....

now back to my regularly scheduled session of homework...

Delane · 06-16-2009, 07:45 PM

Im so sorry to hear what you are having to deal with, and I hope what I have to say will help some.

Im not taking up for you mom, but I feel from reading what you wrote that maybe she does what she does because your sister is so emotionaly unstable. As mothers we tend to give all our energy to the ones that need us the most. Im sure she doesn't mean to leave you out, but she see's you holding it together. Also your mother is most likley scared to death for your sister, and may also be scared of things that your sister might do. I think instead of fighting agenst your mom, try sitting down with her and tell her, hey mom this is how I feel, however I want to be here for you, because I can see what this is doing to you. I may not always understand, but I want to be a help in anyway I can. Tell her that sometimes you feel like you are really left out in the cold. Now don't make her feel that you are blaming her, just let her know you need her to.

She needs you also, she already has one person in her life that is a basket case, Moms aren't made of steal, we break to, we just have to put up a good front.

I would also say to you, start a journal, and write all you are feeling down, also make it a point to find some you time.

Try not to feel so bad at your sister, I know she has put you all through a lot, but realize she has a very serious problem and she needs some very serious help, but at the sametime don't let yourself be a door mat. I hope what I have said makes sense and helps you.

Oh and one more thing I don't know what your faith is, but trust me when I tell you there truley is power in prayer. Talk to God he will listen.

Helena · 06-16-2009, 07:50 PM

OK Jersey I have never commented on anything you have ever written because what I would have written would not have been nice...With that out of the way I think some of your bad attitude is because what you have described about the last 10 years of your life....Are you living at your mom's house??? It says you don't want to move in with her.
Just because your sister has had complications from her surgery doesn't give her any reason to do drugs and your mom is enabling the situation which makes it worse. Did the Dr. say your sister was dying??? Or is that how your mom interpreted it. They need counseling and so do you. But from what you write I don't see that happening. I wouldn't move in with your mom even though your not ready you'd be better off living with your bf...I don't really know what to tell you but I think you need to stay far away from the situation and get yourelf some couseling. If your not working maybe there is somewhere you could get some help for free or a sliding scale. But I honestly feel you need to get counseling and you need to stay away from the situation until you get yourself on track....Good Luck....If you want to PM me please do....

netta · 06-16-2009, 08:00 PM

My ex husband had to stay away from his family or they would draged him down in the mess. If it helps you as a person to stay away and is better for you mentally and phically then do so.

You need to look out for you and yours.

It seems your mother is in denial about your sister and until she show some tough love your sister will always know she has the upper hand.

Lynette · 06-16-2009, 08:37 PM

Sigh....it is hard living in the shadow of a screwed up sibling. As a mom, sometimes one kid just needs more than the other one does, being 50/50 just isn't always appropriate. It sounds like you need to get away for your own health and wellbeing because things aren't going to settle down any time soon and at this point both your mother and sister need to figure things out on their own. Has you sister been diagnosed with a mental illness?

FWIW- my little brother used for years and I tried to help him all the time until one day it became quite obvious that I couldn't save him and I had to accept the fact that someday I might get the call that he died. Thankfully, he turned his life around and is married with 4 kids now. I hope that someday your family will settle down, but in the meantime, it is time to take care of yourself.

jenn75 · 06-16-2009, 08:51 PM

How about any relatives that you could possibly live with temporarily? Try to reach out to any supports in your life and see if you can set up a temporary living situation. I know you don't want to live with your BF right now but perhaps if it's just temporary it could work? It sounds like even though it's not the ideal option, it might be an option to help save your sanity in the meantime. Even if you don't physically shack up with BF, at least maybe spend 90% of your time with him vs. any time you would be spending at home?

I completely empathize with your situation and know that you're not getting any of your emotional needs met. Try to utilize other supports and realize that your mother is just not going to be high on that list of support while your sister is the way she is. I would say that in this case your sister is so unstable that you really do need to get out at any cost. Whether it's drugs or mental illness along with her medical issues, it's not good for you. I'm sorry you feel stuck, but please consider all other options to get out of that household.

Good luck.

Also, here are a few resources on this page for your state - call the information and referrals # listed first to see if you can get some sort of counseling through the state: http://www.state.nj.us/humanservices...ttinghelp.html

ragazzarosa · 06-16-2009, 10:02 PM

Kelly - the best thing that I can suggest would be to go back to school. Seriously. You can probably get some grants and loans (it's not too late to apply for fall) and almost all schools have financial aid and housing. Even if you choose a community college or a technical college, they offer financial aid that could let you move into another situation.

It's not ideal, but it'll give you something to focus on right now, enhance your future job prospects when the economy turns around, and get you out of the house and looking at your own future. Your dad would probably be happy to invest in your education.

Plus, school is kinda fun and think of how proud you'll be when you're done. I know earning my bachelor's degree is one of the things of which I'm most proud.

sending you good thoughts...

Shetaz0028 · 06-17-2009, 06:49 AM

Oh sweetie,

~*~super huge hugs~*~

I have no idea what to say other than you have to look out for yourself. If you don't think you and the Marine are ready to play house don't do it. But, remember you can look to the state for help. I'm not sure what it's called there but, here in MA they have 40b housing. Every rental area has to have so much and they are nice places. You pay a fraction of the rent and sometimes they even cover the utilities. It's something to look into. You have worked for years and will continue to work later in life so why not use your own tax dollars?

You have my number if you need anything. Luv ya girly

LisaM · 06-17-2009, 06:51 AM

Kelly,

As females, we tend to get absorbed in the lives of the people around us, and it leaves us defenseless when they start pounding on us emotionally. I've known a few men who do it too, but many, many women. Part of growing up for me was looking at the people in my life and deciding whether or not I could afford whatever they were asking of me emotionally. With some, I could, with many, I could not. I could not look at my life through their eyes without suffering for it endlessly.

Stop looking at yourself and your life through your mother's eyes--I doubt seriously that she means you any harm, but you feel worthless because you think she sees you as another obstacle while she's up to her eyeballs in your sister's trauma/drama.

Remove yourself from the situation as fast as you possibly can, honey. Move in with the bf, but keep separate rooms, or room with someone else, or some other family member. You cannot look at the situation rationally yourself when you're in the middle of it, and it can drive you straight into a depression of your own.

On a side note, ambien scares the crap out of me. I found myself sleep-eating while I was taking it. Be careful of it... and get the hell out of that house. You need to be Kelly instead of daughter/sister/emotional punching bag for a while.