..... - Page 4 - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

VeggieLover2004 · 06-17-2009, 02:25 PM

Wow Kelly, I'm so sorry you're going thru all of this. I hope your Dad can help you somehow. This is just so sad.

operasinger · 06-17-2009, 09:21 PM

Kelly,

My husband dealt with similar stuff. Only he was the druggie...self-medicating.
But it all came from the addiciton of his family to the chaos...we almost got sucked into it. We were divorced for 13 years, and it's been nearly 6 years of healing, and more to go.
He left Texas (and you know how Texans are about Texas!), moved to Iowa and can now function relatively normally.
Have you checked nursing homes or places for people with disabilities for a job? It really changed my life, financially, educationally and emotionally, to work for 10 years for the disabled.
The best thing for my hubby was distance from the chaos...and to be affirmed of his worth by those of us who love him.
Parents can get "addicted" to being so needed that it is unhealthy. It will take lots of forgiveness along the way, and facing the rage that gets leftover, and letting go of it.

Their abuse isn't what you are...it's what they are.

Hopefully Dad will come thru, if not, don't be ashamed or afraid to use the system that is there to help you. You don't have to use it forever, but just until you can get things together again.

I'll add my prayers to the rest of your friends, dear...I know it's hard to believe, but God loves you every moment of every day...and He didn't make no mistake!

jerseygrl684 · 06-18-2009, 08:24 AM

Spoke to dad, he can't help me out financially... but he fully supports me in anything that I do. He just listened to me when I spoke, didnt try to throw his opinions on me or anything.

Ambien enduced sleep last night, tonight I am going to the BFs house... or maybe i should make him stay here.. idk.

JustJoy · 06-18-2009, 08:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jerseygrl684

Spoke to dad, he can't help me out financially... but he fully supports me in anything that I do. He just listened to me when I spoke, didnt try to throw his opinions on me or anything.

Ambien enduced sleep last night, tonight I am going to the BFs house... or maybe i should make him stay here.. idk.

I'm sorry your Dad can't help you out but at least he is being supportive. You need as much support as you can get.

I'm glad you got some sleep, you'll be able to think more clearly if you're rested. My vote, though I know it doesn't count, is that you should go to your BF's house tonight. Completely remove yourself from the situation so you can relax, rest, and regroup.

Thinking of you.

Phoenixfire · 06-18-2009, 10:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by netta

My ex husband had to stay away from his family or they would draged him down in the mess. If it helps you as a person to stay away and is better for you mentally and phically then do so.

You need to look out for you and yours.

Welcome to the club that I like to call The Scapegoat/Black Sheep/THIS Child Left Behind Club. My sister has done quite a few of the things YOUR sister has done, and she continues to be the fair-haired child. Always was and always will be, in spite of her violent criminal actions (and multiple arrests), her domestic violence arrests (she was the abuser), and her repeated visits to rehab for substance abuse issues. Go figure. Our mother bailed her out, paid for rehab multiple times and basically saved her every single time. But you can probably guess how our mom handled MY challenges (I'm not perfect). Of course I was left to flounder on my own. Good old little sis always got a free pass. Of course now that means sis is totally enslaved in her relationship with our mother. Sis is a real basket case. So the two of them are a great match!

After many many years I had to do what Netta's husband did. That is to break all contact/bonds/communication/relations with my family of origin. They are sick. My mother is extremely sick and has been so ever since I was 3 years old.

It's not easy to decide that you have had enough. But let me tell you this, life is SO MUCH BETTER now that it has been a few years since my last communication with them. It's amazing really.

But just a tip, to be prepared, many people out there in the world (like boyfriends you may date, or other "friends") will NOT understand your need to disengage from your family of origin. It's unthinkable to some, and I even heard this from an EX-boyfriend: "what if it's YOU that was the problem?" Fucking idiot. He didn't get it.

Well this started as a message to just say "HI! I'm the black sheep scapegoat too!!! Nice to meet you! Welcome to the Club!!! Grab some coffee and cookies and valium and have a sitdown!!!"

You're in a tough spot, so it's time to figure out what YOU want and what YOU can tolerate and how much hope YOU really have when it comes to the relationships you are in with your family of origin.

If you decide to join me on this side of the fence, the No Contact Fence, you'll find a HUGE freedom from the hamster wheel of trying to get the acceptance you deserve. And you'll learn how it feels to look out for KELLY first. But BE PREPARED! You will have to be the one to set up boundaries. Boundaries are clearly non-existent there with you, as they were with my family, so you'll have to get some balls to be the boss of the boundaries. Boundaries need to be created, by you, or you'll never get relief from the pain you are in.

FWIW, I soooooooooooo wish I'd made that decision when I was your age, instead of waiting as long as I did and enduring a huge tragedy inflicted upon me by my family of origin. It nearly killed me. Literally.

Phoenixfire · 06-18-2009, 11:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jerseygrl684

mom just emailed me before.. basically more blame on me and none where it is needed. I havent eaten all day, actually i have eaten ive just puked up.. .

Stop reading any of her emails.
Stand up for yourself by drawing that boundary that you won't read her emails.
Resist the urge, because no matter how you reply to emails she will NOT hear you.
You already know that right?
You are GIVING AWAY YOUR PERSONAL POWER by allowing your brain to absorb her words.
Stop that.
Only YOU can put up the boundaries you need to protect yourself and love yourself.
You damn well better start believing you deserve to protect yourself!
Until you can move out, I suggest you figure out what you need to do in order to protect yourself.
And then you damn well better do it!
(((((((((((((((((((((Kelly))))))))))))))))))))) <--- that's a hug from a GOOD mama-

jerseygrl684 · 06-18-2009, 11:13 AM

delete meeeeee

Shetaz0028 · 06-18-2009, 11:53 AM

Hey sweetie,

Here is the HUD link for NJ.

Rental Assistance Programs: New Jersey - HUD

If you found the phone maybe you can call, make an appointment, and get a case manager going.

Let me know if there is anything I can do. The earlier offer still stands and if you just want to get completely away for a bit you can always come up here. I'll take good care of you.

supersexysprite · 06-18-2009, 12:04 PM

Don't have the BF stay with you there. Get your worldly possesions and make the exit ASAP. The woman has said her piece, made her choice, and as painful as this all is and as much as I am sure this has echoed in your mind daily, you know you can't and shouldn't stay around this.

It's emotional abuse in it's classical sense. It sucks big ones, and to top it off, you have no income, no place to go that you can call your own. That has to hurt your head and test Hope. That will change. You will change.

You are so young and have a lifetime yet to enjoy

There are shelters

There are support groups

There is no way you will die if you leave

But, if you stay, you will have to continue enduring this which may cause you physical harm.

Leave this situation as soon as you possibly can. It's wrong.

It has nothing to do with your personal value. You are valuable, you just haven't heard that in over ten yrs by the very person you need to hear it from. I feel for you, but, you got to move away from this. Then and only then can you begin to sort out this crap.

Sprite

jerseygrl684 · 06-18-2009, 12:40 PM

delete meeeeee