How do I help my kids - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

paijj · 01-02-2009, 10:09 AM

I am a mom to 3 little boys, ages 11,8 and 5. God willing I will be having GB in February or March. I have made it a point to let my kids know what I am doing. I have explained the surgery in simple terms, drawn pictures and talked about why I want to do this. They know how being so big is hard for me to do a lot with them, and that I need to get healthy so I can see them grow up and be able to do all the things a mom is supposed to do with them. We have also talked about the risk, and they know that I could die. I debated on talking about that part, but decided that if things did go wrong they needed at least a little preparation. I made sure to tell them that is was rare and that it wasn't something to worry about. I have showed them lots of success stories on here, and before and after pics(especially the ones of people with there kids).
Well, my oldest doesn't say much and is at an age where he doesn't like to talk about "feelings" at all. He doesn't ask questions or seem at all concerned, which would be great if I actually thought he was completely unconcerned. He is so much like me in that he keeps everything in and plays it in his brain instead of talking about it. I don't know how to make sure he is ok with all of this.
My middle child is the opposite, he ask tons of questions, talks about being a little scared of me dying, but overall he is excited that we will be able to do stuff and that I will be healthy and happy.
My little one is terrified. He is obsessing about me dying(even though I have done everything I can think of to make him understand that that probably will NOT happen). He is very clingy, which is ok and I make sure he gets lots of cuddles and loving. I try to focus on all the great things that the surgery will bring for us(I am planning, post surgery to start saving for a Disney vacation in the next 2 years). I don't dwell on the surgery, but every time DH ask about an appt, or says anything about future plans, my little guy hones in on the fact I might die.
I never meant to freak him out so bad and am wondering if I should have just not said anything at all about the surgery or any of it. I have always been open with the kids(when they will get shots, they always know ahead of time and that has been so much less traumatic....they seem to handle it better then the friends kids who get "surprised" by the needle; and my kids don't mind going to the doctor) and I try to make sure they are prepared, but this time I feel like I screwed up.

How can I help them through all this? Do they have a book for kids about the surgery...a video...anything. Our support group doesn't allow children, and when I go I plan to ask about peoples kids and maybe starting a support group for the kids, but in the mean time I am at a loss how to help my oldest and youngest cope with all this. Any suggestions?

sassy37 · 01-02-2009, 11:26 AM

Focus on BEING HEALTHY and telling them all the lovely and fun things u will be able to do after surgery .
Also sit them next to u and come on here to the PHOTO section and show your kids ALL THE FOLK that have had the surgery survived and show them the after shots !
Thats what I did with my girl and shes 8 !
I showed her pictures off google images and was pretty up front with her, although I never mentioned death , I did tell her there could be complications but no more than what I would have If I stayed big .
But I was banded not Rny so my risks were lower .
They will be gob smacked when u show them before & after shots on here My girl was intrigued and photos make it easier for a kiddie to understand .

best wishes it will be ok xxxx

hb2009 · 01-02-2009, 11:31 AM

I have a 9yr old daughter & I did the same thing. Before I even filled out the paperwork for my surgery I made sure to get her approval as well as the rest of my family. I showed her this website with all the positives & negatives. She saw a pictures of the clinic I would be going to as well as the doctors. My daughter understood the risks of me having this surgery. In the end she said that she wanted me to have the surgery so I would be around for a long time. She also said that she would help me as much as she could while I was down. After I had the surgery she truely became my helper. Yes she complained at times but she did it.

I am sure there is something out there to help you with your children but I never really found it. If the younger children are upset & focused on death then I would try to show them the positive side to the surgery. I would be positive about the surgery & try to stay away from the negative (death). Maybe do some type of art project with them regarding your surgery to see what they draw.

Your children will be ok if you can be ok with what you are about to do. Maybe they can meet someone who has had the surgery so they can see up close & personal the positive. I wish I could give you something more.

Mrs. Karen79 · 01-10-2009, 03:07 PM

I ask myself the same question "did I tell them something I shouldn't have" ....

My children are 8, 6 and 1. I have showed them before and after pictures, showed them what is going to happen to me in surgery and told them about after surgery and how its going to be like when I had Chloe (my youngest, and she was a c-section). I also told them about the possibility of me dying, but there was just a slim chance ... I told them every surgery has the chance of death .... and I made it through 3 c-sections and my gallbladder removal, so I do great when the doctor needs to do something to me. They are still uneasy about the situation, but understand that when mommy is thinner she can do more stuff!

Just keep reassuring them mommy will be fine and soon you can do lots of fun stuff with them!