OT... not about weight...and a little long - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

Squishy · 12-03-2008, 06:24 PM

I'm not sure why I am posting this here...I guess I just need to gather my thoughts about it and this is "my safe place".

OK... so I have a good friend at work. I've worked with him for about 15 years. Great guy, married, two grown children, mature, reliable, great friend... you would love this guy to be your next door neighbor.

Anyway, about a month ago he started to seem kind of agitated. He was diagnosed with skin cancer and he has had many small tumors removed. I could tell that he was just not himself, but figured that he was just upset about the skin cancer.

One week his wife had to go out of town for work and he seemed more agitated than ever. He talked to me before leaving work and we had a good conversation, but the whole time we talked, his eyes were darting around like a caged animal.

It turns out he went home right after that conversation with the intention of ending his life. He called his wife to say goodbye and she managed to call 911 on another phone to get them to their house while she kept him on the phone. He spent a couple weeks in the psych ward in the hospital getting help. Turns out he had been on Paxil for about 14 years ( I am learning that Paxil can be very bad if not monitored properly). He came back to work part time and has been doing pretty well.

This week his wife had to go out of town again for the first time since the hospitalization and he has been very nervous. Those of us who know about his situation have made a point of stopping to talk to him frequently and we all agreed that he was not doing very well. Yesterday afternoon I talked to him to try to get a feel for how stable he was. He talked about what he planned to do at work today, so I felt that he was not contemplating suicide.

When I saw him this morning, I invited him to lunch and he said that he could not make it, but then went on to tell me that he had a very bad night and was contemplating suicide again last night. He broke down crying as we talked and I tried to console him as best I could. He said that he called his wife last night and she arranged for her parents to get him and have him spend the night with them. They were going to call the doctor at noon.

After he was calmed down, I went and called his wife and told her about his emotional state. She is still on the West Coast but had arranged to get the doctor on the phone with her and her husband at noon. She is coming back tomorrow. After we talked, she called the doctor and they decided to have him check back into the hospital right away.

So... twice my friend talked to me and then went home with intentions of ending his life. The first time was completely unexpected but the second time, I knew it was a risk but still did not see how desperate he was. I don't know what I would have done if he had actually completed a suicide. I would have felt like a failure as a friend. I feel scared for him every day and am so grateful that he is back in the hospital. I am obviously grateful that he is getting help, and (this seems selfish) I am also grateful because I don't feel personally responsible for him while he is there. I feel bad for feeling that way. It is such an emotional drain to worry about him taking his life. I can't even imagine what it must be like for his wife. Anyway... I guess I don't really know what I am looking for here. Maybe it was a long way around to a confession about how I feel about him being in the hospital.

Thanks for listening,
-Mike-

Claire-in-Texas · 12-03-2008, 06:46 PM

Mike, I'm so glad you posted, and my heart goes out to you.

I will be very honest with you here....YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT FOR A THING.

This man should not have a wife who is traveling, he should not be left alone, and he should be in a hospital with professionals. He is very sick, and there is nothing YOU can do or could have done.

I know you want to be a friend, but in my opinion, you really can't be. The best thing you can do is back away, and it is better (here again, my opinion) that your friend let his feelings out to people who are trained to help in this kind of situation.

This is not about normal friendship - this is like pinning jello to a wall -- it's just not possible to be friends with a person who is ill at that level. It is dangerous for you, and for him.

My heart goes out to you, Mike. You are such a good man, and a loving one.

Hugs,

netta · 12-03-2008, 07:00 PM

Mike,

No matter how much a person helps someone else or tries to be there for that person, it is up to the person with the issues to say they need helpand get help.

I had found my uncle when he ended his life and I was so mad. Mad he would do such a thing, mad he didn't try to help himself, mad I could'nt have been there for him, and mad because of all the others he had hurt in the process.

It is natural for you to feel this way. I went to counceling for this after his death. My counceler says the feeling you have are natural feelings.

I'm not an expert in this field. I do however know you will have mixed feelings. And you will wonder if you did all you could have done. You will be angry with him if he goes through with it and you will feel like he took some of you away. That would be the trust.

Your friend needs help, and that is up to him and his doctors on how the issues will be handled.

Hope this helps some..
Netta

Rebirth_103008 · 12-03-2008, 07:03 PM

A good friend of my ex's visited us several months ago, and he seemed on the outside like a great, considerate and kind person. Little did I know that weeks later, he would attempt suicide. My ex was fortunate enough to get to him before anything happened, but noticed he had a belt hanging from the garage ceiling, so he had intentions of following through. What I did is once he was in the hospital, I called and told him what a great person I thought he was and that he had really made an impression on my family. I told him I loved him and prayed for him. Really, that's all you can do is offer your support, which you seem to be doing. After that, leave it in the hands of a Higher Power, if you believe in one, which I do.

SweetSouthern · 12-03-2008, 07:38 PM

Mike, I honestly do not know how to tell you to deal with these feelings. My ex MIL shot herself in February and our wedding was planned for her birthday in June. We went through with the wedding as planned on her b'day, and it sorta stood for a memorial ceremony in our hearts also, because I had a single red rose in the center of my bouquet in memory of her because she loved red roses. Not many other people knew why it was there, but it seemed to make our day alot happier. I truly loved this woman. I would have NEVER expected her to do what she did. It was a struggle to come to terms with not even knowing she was going through so much and had such thoughts. My ex really had a hard time with it, as he went through the blaming everyone around him, including himself, for not being there for her when she was obviously screaming for help with some of her actions to her family members. He even had the anger rages that came along with the guilt he felt. I believe it's called "survivor's syndrome", when someone you love dies and you feel you could have done something or you feel guilty because it was them and not you and you are also angry at them for what they did and forcing you to go through what you are because of their actions. It took my ex a long time to come to terms with it all and realize that there was not really anything he could have done if she was determined to take her own life. There will always be "what ifs", but you can't blame yourself for the choices someone else makes. Just be a friend. I do not agree with stepping away from your friend because sometimes friends are what holds us together and when left alone there is nothing for the glue to hold together, but I do agree with you not feeling "responsible" for him. His family needs to do this, not you. If he ever shows signs of this again, just do what you did and call his wife to let her know. She will have to deal with it from there. You have done your part then. I'm really sorry you are having to deal with this situation. It really sucks and for anyone with a good heart, it's going to be a tough spot to be in. I hope your friend gets the help he needs and he gets better.

Mandalagirl · 12-03-2008, 11:10 PM

I'm glad you posted this. I had a friend once who attempted suicide twice in a week. The second time, it caused so much damage she became a different friend and she just is not the same at all anymore. I guess the doc gave her anti depressants and they just affected her so badly she did that, with her children in the house.

I felt so helpless. She was on life support for awhile. The saddest part about it, is I lost her. We are no longer friends. It is not because I was angry but it is because the person she was is no longer here. I'm not one to desert someone easily either, but she has just become a horrible person

I commend you for being such a loyal friend. I think that is really the best you can do is show your support. It sounds like he has seperation anxiety from his wife, and they need to plan for him to stay with someone while she is gone. I hope he is doing ok

LyndasRoom · 12-03-2008, 11:21 PM

Mike,
I don't know what to say. You can never know truly what another person has in their heart and mind. I think it's great that he felt comfortable enough to confide in you. Hopefully the doctors can find a cocktail of medication to get his depression or other factors under control, so he can live a life he finds worth living.
(((Squishy)))

CiCi · 12-04-2008, 06:46 AM

Mike, that has got to be way too much pressure for you or anyone to handle. you are a good friend, but there's only so much you can do. it's up to him. i'm glad he is getting help. but again, try not to feel responsible. there's nothing more you could have done. he needs more in-depth treatment. hopefully, he'll get it.

bless you for being such a good man.

Toony · 12-04-2008, 07:23 AM

Hi Mike... so sorry to read about this - I hope and pray that this man gets all the help and support he needs. Family and friends (and doctors) are his true lifeline right now.

I'm on Paxil and wish I knew what a beast it is to get off of when I started it... I don't feel like I need it (panic attacks)... but my attempts to get off of it have been miserable! The wonders of chemistry...

Katie

Vikkator · 12-04-2008, 08:07 AM

Mike, you did the right thing in helping your friend and you should be proud of that.

Last year, while my son was in his second week of his senior year of college, his best friend, who had been his roommate all through college, ended his life. At a time when the guys should have all been happy and having the time of their lives, this young man decided he couldn't take life anymore. He had a condition that caused his muscles to deteriorate and he was on a new medication that helped his pain but caused emotional problems. It was one of those meds that has the suicidal warnings.

My son played video games with him the night before. This young man was an honors student. He was an intelligent person, one who everyone had thought would end up being a CEO someday. No one had seen this coming, not even his mother.

After the shock came anger, then guilt. My son felt there was something he could have done to stop it and there was a lot of guilt for a long time. It was tough for him to go back to school those first few days because they shared the same apartment. But then he came to the realization that his friend wanted to end his own life and there was nothing he could have done to stop it. This friend of yours is crying for help. You are so fortunate that you could step in to help. I don't think you should walk away from him, but you cannot let it take over your own well-being either. If this man really wants to end his life, he will. I'm not so sure he really wants to, but I do agree he needs hospitalization and counseling.

But you've done what a good friend can do. You should take comfort in the fact that you were able to help. I truly wish my son had been in your shoes last September. That very special young man would still be with us today.

I truly hope your friend gets the help he needs to get through this. God Bless.