Mothers & Daughters... and wls! - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

Vim&Vigour · 10-22-2008, 09:40 AM

Mothers & Daughters… and wls

Thoughts from atop a ladder, painting my daughter’s bedroom…

I am 51 years old and have two brothers in their mid sixties. They were brought up in boarding school abroad when I was born, so I was raised as an only child. My childhood was unusual and I was very much a small kid in a very adult world. My parents were a lot older. They had a very unconventional, interesting but correct marriage.

My mother was a very independent woman and was seldom around when I lived in London. Soon after we moved to Switzerland, she acted differently. I was by then 7 years old and I declared my mother a witch. It is only in the last year that I discovered exactly why she was so different…

My mother’s and my relationship was turbulent to put it mildly. We could not stand being together yet we had moments of intense fun and exciting times, loads of great memories and a great complicity. Very complex indeed! A real love and hate relationship.

I was celebrating my 12th birthday and lay asleep on my beloved father’s arm when he died. I was Pappa’s daughter in every sense. He had so desired a daughter, spoiled me emotionally rotten, was extremely strict and very just and we had magical times together. When my mother was bedridden with migraines and sinusitis (nearly every weekend), my father and I explored art galleries, museums and stately homes, painted together, and curled up reading our own books… He was the happiest man alive and so immensely proud of me. He took me everywhere, the way in which you would keep your dog in the car when you went out on business. I used to live in the back seat with my homework and waited for him between his business obligations. In the 1960s there was no concern for children’s safety. He came back from these events with tidbits and anecdotes. He was a diplomat so often had exciting stories to tell and helped a great deal with my geography lessons!

When my father died, my mother and I were thrown together at the deep end, having to make the best of a bad situation. She was 51 when widowed, my very age, but I was 12, unlike my own children who are 19, 22 and 24.

My mother was an artist AND a psychoanalyst, offering two quite contradicting facets. We had come to a happy platform in our lives together in our older years and reached a deep bond and understanding for each other. I would not go as far as adding “respect” because that is something I instinctively never really had for her, but my full admiration? Yes, definitely.

Summer last year she died, aged 89 years old. She had a fall and knocked her head. In anticipation of a fatal blood clot and not wanting to end up a vegetable, she committed suicide by mixing and taking a whole load of prescribed medication. Very impressive and commendable in one sense. She wanted to be in control of her faculties and took charge of her situation. Little did she know when she lay in a coma that her heart was so strong that it kept beating for a whole further week. I was immensely fortunate in being able to be by her bedside, sleeping in my own bed one yard from hers in hospital throughout her final days. That too was a time of deep bonding, of being grateful for what we had had throughout all those years. Sitting with my mother was a positive, if sad, experience. I felt her dying like a birth, easing her way out of life, the way a baby is emerging into the world…

So here I stand atop a ladder today, painting my daughter’s bedroom at my cottage. She has not been to the house for nearly 4 years – the countryside is so boring! She has just had a miscarriage a few days ago, my precious darling little girl. How is my own baby doing? I haven’t seen her for a week, during which the above happened. What is my relationship like with her? What kind of mother have I been for her? How have I transposed my mother’s and my relationship onto my daughter? I too was absent during her time of need. But we cannot always be around. She too has to grow up and take responsibility for her actions. With love and support. I have only been able to do so by telephone and I long to hug her when I go home tonight. A big, deep, warm, gentle, long embrace. Something that I never had from my mother.

And thinking of the impending hug, I know she’ll say again that there is not as much of the big (fat) mamma to get hold of, bury her face in. And whilst I understand her, I think thank heavens for that! Here we have been trying to think healthy diet during her pregnancy, mother-to-be exercises to keep slim and trim. So, back to the impact of weight loss surgery. My own mother would have been so relieved that I finally saw sense and saved myself from death. And yet she chose her own death. I was nearly at my heaviest when she was dying. I could never have gone through the surgery when she was alive. The mere thought of her compassion (which did not feel sincere) made me cringe. But then I know she would have been so proud of my seeing sense and going through with it. And that is something I wish for my own daughter, the strength of doing whatever it is that needs doing for yourself, not for or because of others.

My mother’s death, peaceful as it was, liberated me in finding my inner voice, my inner peace, facing my inner core. It was there all along, during the 51 years of making of me, but the voice was bottled up. Now, I need to speak, I have found a voice. However, I need to find something worthwhile and valuable to express! By refurbishing my home, I have feathered my nest, reconnected with my own mothering instincts and am at last becoming the mother to my young adult children the way they deserve and need right now. They are at that unforgiving transition period of being neither children nor adults. I am starting to see their world through their eyes, understanding their needs, worries and aspirations. It is so exciting to be part of their dreams, now that I am “younger” than 51, healthier and even a whole lot happier.

Ah, Mothers and Daughters, weight loss surgery impact and thoughts from atop a ladder…
Cherish what you have, nurture what you give, strive to better yourself for your protection and for the support to others.

Vim

I_love_Hello Kitty · 10-22-2008, 10:53 AM

Wow Vim---that was some post!

As always so insightful and intelligent and thought provoking.

Interestingly enough my father died when I was 12. Although I was heavy as a child before that, I think his death perpetuated my tendancy to eat to self-sooth...and in his death I became a mother to my mother...switching roles because she put so much on me to handle which should not have been handled by a child. (as an aside my mother was gorgeous and very petite and thin....)

And now my daughter is 8, and she is a joy...full of confidence and energy...but genetically plagued by the weight issues. She is on the local swim team (swam 2 full hours yesterday..and will again on Thursday)..and she plays soccer...1 hour 15 minute practices twice a week plus a game on Saturdays...and I balance her meals...and still she is chubby...not actually fat...but without all the activity I fear she would gain weight quickly.

Her 5 year old brother eats the same diet and he is very slender...what gives??

I just want happiness for her...but I spend an unbelievable amount of time worrying for her. And the self-loathing I have for my own fatness, I find emerging again when I see her in an unflattering outfit...and realize all my issues are still there...she is beautiful...why do I allow the fat issues to still plague us?? (I try never to let her know she is anything less than beautiful)

Thank you for your thought provoking post today...so well written. You're a gem.

Vim&Vigour · 10-22-2008, 11:34 AM

Thank you Simone!
You and I WILL HAVE TO speak verbally one day! Think about Skype!!!

I am thrilled you are watching out for your daughter. I left doing so rather late (I had to deal with clinical depression as well as "everything else") but am at least now able to maximise my input. You too are aware of the importance, value and gratification such nurture brings. May you both find a "cure" for your daughter's weight issues. Worth talking with your surgeon to learn more about how to avoid your own pitfalls?
Fantastic that you are involving her in active sport - I so wish I had had that element in my life. Nobody in my family moved (moves!) a muscle and the man I married is super sporty! Thankfully, both our sons are really slim, fit and trim, exercise for pleasure naturally. Whereas my daughter...
Keep up your good work
and please keep in touch!
Cheers,
Vim

Toony · 10-22-2008, 04:38 PM

Vim honey... you really need to write a book. Your mind is beautiful and you express things in such a endearing and heart-warming, mind moving manner!

keep writing Vim!

Vim&Vigour · 10-22-2008, 05:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Toony

Vim honey... you really need to write a book. Your mind is beautiful and you express things in such a endearing and heart-warming, mind moving manner!

keep writing Vim!

Thank you Katie for the vote of confidence and adrenaline rush!
As soon as I finish renovating my home, I will start redecorating my husband's home and THEN!!!, then I shall be free to INDULGE on writing, just for my own pleasure! I have spent a whole year on doing my house up and DH deserves focus on his needs too...
I have so many separate thoughts in my head and on scraps of paper... time to consolidate!
Cheers,
Vim

SweetSouthern · 10-23-2008, 09:12 AM

All I can say is I'm a blubbering, crying mess now! lol I'm am SOOOO emotional when it comes to my children and my mother. It's almost strange how strong a mother's love can be and it is indescribable with words.

Vim, I'm happy you are having time to reflect on your children and your own mother and come to some terms inside and act upon them. I'm so sorry about your daughter's miscarriage. It's something we would never want our children to go through. I strive every day to be the best mom possible. Some days it's very hard when they are being very unreasonable or evil minded. With me, it's a day-to-day process, but I hope and believe in the end they will know how much I loved them and I will have taught them the morals and values that I have hoped to achieve. I hope you and your daughter enjoy her visit. Thanks for the thought provoking post.

OsoDelDesierto · 10-23-2008, 02:19 PM

Vim, I adore your posts in general and this one particularly. I will buy many copies of your book when you finally find time to write it!

cnc904 · 10-23-2008, 06:54 PM

Vim,
I am so saddened to read about your daughter's miscarriage. I have personally had 2. the 1st I was about 8weeks, and we told everyone we were so excited.The other I was 5months along .I was completely devasated by the loss.
Fortunately I have 3 beautiful children now and I am done.
Once you have a miscarriage every pregnancy after you are literally holding you breath until they put the baby in your arms.
I hope your daughter gets through this rough time soon.
My prayers are with all of you.
Chrissie

Vim&Vigour · 10-25-2008, 03:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlabamaChick

All I can say is I'm a blubbering, crying mess now! lol I'm am SOOOO emotional when it comes to my children and my mother. It's almost strange how strong a mother's love can be and it is indescribable with words.

Vim, I'm happy you are having time to reflect on your children and your own mother and come to some terms inside and act upon them. I'm so sorry about your daughter's miscarriage. It's something we would never want our children to go through. I strive every day to be the best mom possible. Some days it's very hard when they are being very unreasonable or evil minded. With me, it's a day-to-day process, but I hope and believe in the end they will know how much I loved them and I will have taught them the morals and values that I have hoped to achieve. I hope you and your daughter enjoy her visit. Thanks for the thought provoking post.

Thank you Trina for your kind thoughts. Yes, motherhood, with all its sham and drugery is still a beautiful state and once a mother, always a mother - so my mother said to her 63 year old son! Even if you lose your child (heaven forbid!), you are still a mother! My daughter feels enriched for her fleeting expectancy and has a new compassion for women who struggle to raise their children.
Look after your babies - they are precious!
Cheers,
Vim

Vim&Vigour · 10-25-2008, 03:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cnc904

Vim,
I am so saddened to read about your daughter's miscarriage. I have personally had 2. the 1st I was about 8weeks, and we told everyone we were so excited.The other I was 5months along .I was completely devasated by the loss.
Fortunately I have 3 beautiful children now and I am done.
Once you have a miscarriage every pregnancy after you are literally holding you breath until they put the baby in your arms.
I hope your daughter gets through this rough time soon.
My prayers are with all of you.
Chrissie

Thank you Chrissie!
I can see you are writing from experience. What a remarkable (and unwanted) experience of both sides of the coin!
My daughter is recovering thanks to the love and support from her fiance, friends, family and her attitude. I have learned a lot and whilst "relieved" that she now has another chance for a headstart before starting her family life of her own, I do feel very saddened for her and to my surprise, for my very own sake too. I just hope my children will be able to become the parents they all hope to become one day. Yet, our glasses are half-full.
Your prayers are much appreciated. Give your "babies" an extra, silent hug tonight!
Cheers,
Vim