Not in her shoes yet.... - ThinnerTimes

NelleBelle50 · 06-01-2005, 04:20 PM

So, I have a question for everyone since I'm on the journey towards surgery but I'm still pre-op and haven't lived in those shoes yet.

I have a good girl friend who I've known for about 9 months. We clicked right away, and I love her dearly. She had Roux-en-Y about 2 years ago, and she's lost about 150 lbs.

There are two things that have concerned me since I've been considering WLS and have researched things more.

1. This is a doozy. I'm very scared she's turning bulimic. Every time we go out to eat, she eats quite a bit, excuses herself to go to the bathroom, comes back and eats more. One time, she was hanging out with my family at a restuarant and didn't know my sister was in the bathroom with my little 6 year old nephew when she was pucking. Now, of course, my sister is way freaked about me having the surgery. I don't want to assume she's bulimic because I know that sometimes after surgery there are things that just come up, and you can't help it. It just seems like a pattern and I'm worried, y'know? Would you guys say anything to her?

2. She just got divorced about 7 months ago, and she immediately signed up for internet dating. Every time I see her at a mutal friends type social event, she's got another guy to introduce us to, and she's clingin' all over him. I'm all for flauntin' the new you, but I can see her zooming down a path of hookin' up with anyone who wants to date her, and making the same mistake of ending up with the wrong type of guy because he pays her the most attention and gives her the "love" she so desperatly needs. Am I being too worried, too judgmental, too jealous, too nosey?

Thanks for your advice.... I love ya all for it already!

lealphachienne · 06-01-2005, 04:33 PM

The surgery only fixes the phsyical parts of the obesity problem. You still have to work on the emotional side. After a major life changing event, some people just go crazy in some attempt to make up for lost time or to ease some inner fears. Many people have hidden behind their weight for a long time.

The purpose of surgery is to have you return a more normal eating pattern. Not to continue old habits. You friend needs help. It sounds like she still has an eating disorder. Yes, there are times when you forget and eat too fast or too much, leading to vomiting. It isn't a habit to get into. It should be a rare thing if you have learned to interprete what your body says.

You're not getting nosey, it sounds like you're a concerned friend.

eyesthatkissu · 06-01-2005, 04:42 PM

I have always been an in your face kind of girl. If you think she might have an eating disorder, straight up ask her! Maybe her body has changed and foods she used to tolerate, now she can't. As far as her dating thing goes, she is going through a hell of a lot emotionally. She is bound to act out, so to speak. Again, if it was my friend, I would make sure they knew how much I loved them, then give a tiny piece of unwarranted advice. The only thing you can really do, is be there for her! I know you are worried, but you can't fix this for her. At least when you see the behavior in someone else, before your WLS, maybe you'll recognize any self destructive behavior in yourself early on. Not sure I helped, but I ALWAYS have an opinion!

Bypassingme619 · 06-01-2005, 05:04 PM

Annelle I give you props for being a good friend. It is hard to find someone who is so concerned for another human. This is a touchy subject and I would approach it carefully. Seems like your friend could be hurting a lot inside and is coping with it by "maybe" vomiting and excessive male attention. Maybe you should sit down with her and have a real sister to sister talk. Do it somewhere you two can both be comfortable (private) and speak your minds. Tell her your concern and ask her to express how she is dealing with what is going on in her life. Hopefully she will open up to you and you two can go from there. It is nice to have someone on your side when you feel like the world is turning its back on you. I wish you the best. Lets us know how things turn out.

eyesthatkissu · 06-01-2005, 05:08 PM

Denise is always so much kinder then me..... much more patient! I'm a little abbrasive I know..... do what she said! My way, might piss her off!

watergirl · 06-01-2005, 07:19 PM

Denise and Robin, great advice. I could not have said it better!

Barbarajo · 06-02-2005, 08:23 AM

Annelle,
It is called switching. When you take away one addiction and you don't seek help or deal with the issue at hand then it will return in another form. We (including me) have a tendancy to switch addictions. Food for me was/is a safty zone. I used food to protect me from the attention of men. I had to deal with my male attention issues before I would be ok loosing weight. If I didn't I knew I would just go insane and switch addictions.

Belimia is a control thing. It springs up when a person feels out of control. Your friend sounds like you life is out of control. She may not be able to control anything in her life right now but, she can control the food intake. it is a sick dangerous addiction and she needs to get help and fast. Many people have died from it.

attention addiction=== we all want to feel loved. We all go about feeding that need in many different ways. We live in a quick fix, Microwave, instant gratification, if it feels good do it world. It is hard to stop the instant gratification of attention. Attention speaks to our hearts and soul and tells us that we belong and that we are loved. It is romantic and actually stimulates a physical response as well. Because it feeds so many parts of us it is hard to stop.

I would sit down with her and try to get her to seek some counseling. She really sounds like see might need some. I know I need help on a regular basis myself. it is hard to deal with life sometimes. As we all are aware of.

There is no shame is pulling over and asking for directions. That's really all counseling is. It helps us to make sure we are going in the right directions.

LizardQueen · 06-02-2005, 12:50 PM

The only thing you can be is a good friend. be honest and tell her your concerns. If she doesn't listen, be there when her world turns upside down.

Amber

NelleBelle50 · 06-02-2005, 03:42 PM

Thanks so much everyone for your advice. I think I might ask her if we can do dinner or a hanging out night next week, and see if I can approach her with it.

I'll keep you updated, and feel free to keep giving me advice!

Barbara- May I ask what you've constructively done to get over your fear of dealing with men? It's definately an issue with me. Dealing with it now would be good. I am seeing a counselor, but I'm not sure if he's recognized that in me yet....
Thanks!

eyesthatkissu · 06-03-2005, 12:34 AM

Barbara you are so wise, what great advice!...... but ya know, I never stop and ask for directions, I'm never lost! *snort*