Wife Leaves While Hubby Recovers--!!Tissue Warning!! - ThinnerTimes

Mike&HisMotorcycle · 09-02-2008, 12:47 PM

If this don’t make you cry…

So August 29th I went in for Lap RNY GP. Wife was there with me and my mother watched our 3 kids (age 12, 3 and 10months) at our house. The surgery went fine, but I was extended an extra day in the hospital due to some internal bleeding issues.

Well, my wife has been having some difficulty with the 12 yr old, which is from my previous marriage. My first wife passed away 11 years to the day of my surgery (weird, huh?). Anyway, the 12 yr old had been staying with my sister for a couple days after the surgery. My wife and son seem to get on each other’s nerves and without me there to keep things in order, things easily get out of sorts. Well, they got a lot out of sorts…

The 12 yr old has been feeding information to my sister at what my wife does to make things difficult for him. Simply put, she has 2 small children to also deal with and expects the 12 yr old to hold up his end of the family deal with chores around the house, help with the other kids, following rules, etc. Whenever the 12 yr old challenges her, she takes it very personally and usually cracks or gets emotionally upset.

Well, my sister is very protective of me and the 12 yr old, especially ever since my 1st wife passed away. Then, on the evening of Aug 31st, both families are there visiting me in the hospital and time came for them to head home. My wife wanted the 12 yr old to come home and my sister said absolutely not. There was no way he was going home with her because of ‘all the abuse.’ I was lying in bed, still in pain from surgery and internal bleeding, I told them it was ridiculous for them to have this argument at this time and to get out of the room. It spilled into the hallway and escaladed. I could hear my sister and wife yelling at each other saying some awful things. Quickly the charge nurse and security were involved and everyone went home, my 12 yr old went to my sister’s.

I can’t believe what has just happened. I called home the next morning and hear that my wife’s parents and brother are at the house packing up her stuff and she’s moving out. She can’t take it anymore, dealing with my sister, and is leaving.

I get discharged later that evening and come home to a half-empty house. My wife and her mother are still there with the 2 small children. I don’t even have my bed to recover in. I ask, “where do I lie down to rest.” I wind up lying in the bed for our 3 yr old. My clothes are in a dresser in our 10 month old's room. This sucks.

So, today, she finishes loading up the vehicle and left with the 2 kids. I’m asking, what the hell happened? Is this simply a riff between my wife and sister and also my wife and 12 yr old?

I have never felt so low in my life. Even when my first wife passed away, doesn’t compare to this. I don’t know where to go from here. I resent my sister for making a scene and yelling at my wife at the hospital. I don’t appreciate the 12 yr old in not holding up his end of the family deal. And what would make my wife snap so quickly?

Now I worry about my overall health and my ability to recover from this arduous surgery.

Godsblessedme · 09-02-2008, 12:57 PM

OMG that is terrible! i have to say your wife sounds like a horrible person i dont care what she was "stressed with" some women are just not meant to be step moms they resent the other kid (s) and just cant handle it. I am SO sorry you have to deal with this, please know that your not alone in this and here is a great support forum you can lean on. i never knew how cruel women and men can be (as my husband left us too) but that just goes to show you that people are cruel sometimes. Please do your best to recover and get well and let your 12 year old know how much you love him and try not to put any blame on him, he probably feels really bad

Nyn · 09-02-2008, 12:59 PM

Oh my god!!!!

I'm so very, very sorry. What an awful time to have all of this explode. Honestly, it sounds like a storm has been brewing for awhile between all of these people, but for your sake I sure wish they could've bucked up, bitten their tongues, and kept things going at least until you were out of the freaking hospital!

I'm not sure what to say to you other than...sorry.

And here's a gentle cyberhug (((HUG)))

Do you have anyone you can go stay with for a week or so? Or have come stay with you? A buddy? Another sibling or parent? Preferably someone with a bed bigger than a 3-year-old's? Honestly, I really doubt you should try to do anything about this for at least 5-7 days. This is a very critical healing time for you. No need to bring on hernias, pneumonia, or other problems with trying to do too much right now. Plus, the mental and emotional component of healing is also critical. I can't even imagine your stress level right now, but maybe if you can just go somewhere and have some forced rest for at least a few days and try to only focus on your sipping/walking/rest...I really hope you can figure a way to do that. Please, please let us know how you're doing. We all tend to worry about our fellow TTForum family members.

nextbigloser · 09-02-2008, 01:00 PM

I want to kick your wifes ass, sorry, but how in the hell do you do that to someone at this time. Chances are regardless who you are with your oldest is going to challenge their authority. I wish I lived closer I would say pull up a seat and stay with us. You will be on an emotional roller coaster and really do not need this to deal with right now but yet that is what your faced with. Did you get a chance to hear everyones side of the story? My ex husbands wife is on here and I am sure we both can tell you how the kids love to play us. My kids know what to say to get me going and it took me a long time to realize this. It is so important to communicate with your wife and child and let your child know that your wife is your equal. They have just as much say in discipline as you do. There needs to be ground rules on how you handle situations and don't stray from them. It gets to confusing for kids to know who and what they are supposed to be doing. I under minded my husband with the kids, they are not his. If he would correct them or tell them to do something they would run to me. Again I never really noticed that I did it. We are in marriage counseling and making big improvements. He left me while I was at work so I know how you feel. We now have a short family meeting night once a week. We focusing on the positive things that each one of us had did and journal it. Its kinda like bragging time. At the end we discuss what needs to be worked on. We even hand out choirs at that time.

katzz87 · 09-02-2008, 01:29 PM

Cripes! Sorry you're going through this, especially when you need to be concentrating on your recovery! It's hard enough without added stress.

That said...I'm sure there HAS to be other factors in this situation. Without knowing the specifics on the "home-life"...it's hard to say. But being a parent of a 16 yr old daughter and 19 yr old son...and all the emotional baggage that normally comes along with the teen years and then take into account all that you 12 yr old has been through (remarriage; loss of the mother). Also, you need to make sure that your wife isn't harming/abusing your daughter, if that isn't the case...then you need to find out what your 12 year old is really saying to your sister. Teens (pre-teens) are very smart cookies! If they find a willing partner (your sister) to take their side, they will. They will also try and divide you and your spouse.

You'll just need to find out what is truly going on! Not something you want to have to do at this time..but you have to do what is best for all involved!

Good luck to you!!!

lmwisern · 09-02-2008, 03:28 PM

Mike, Im sooooo sorry to hear this. It makes me want to kick some butt. I mean! At the worst possible time. Listen, You need to try and concentrate on yourself for now. Lord knows that has got to be hard to do with all this crap going on. We are all here for you to talk to if needed. Things will get better, but in order for things to start getting better you have to get stronger physically from the surgery. This will give you time to think about what you want and need to do, then you can make a plan and go from there. Please, take care of yourself. Keep in touch.~~Big Hug~~--Lisa

BIG TOM · 09-02-2008, 04:22 PM

this happened to me to...well lots of times actually.a year and a half ago i came home from work and found my house empty."what the hell happened" i go around looking for survivors in this place i once called home . it looked like hurricane katrina hit inside my house and most of the shit is missing. including my $8000 tax return i just recieved the nite before. no warning everything just gone. then like that song goes i find "a big blue note" it turns out her kids from her previous marriage dont like me...again. son of a bitch here we go again.what do i do now? should i just let her go this time or do i go crawl back like i did the 4 other times. god i miss my little boy i think to myself as i lay crying on the floor like a little kid. then i walk thru the house to see what i have left, and thats when i really break down because his little bath toys are still on the edge of the tub. i have no idea where she is and is not answering my calls on her cell. so i decide to start cleaning. i have to go to town and buy cleaning supplys because i dont have any. or a vacume or toilet paper. yep i spent another thou on top of the 8 i just lost. plus my house is still empty. she brought him by a week later and he was telling me about his new house "its a green one daddy" i could have just balled. i didnt want him in a green house i wanted him in my house. and you know what i even wanted my wife back to. i wanted to do what ever it took to recover my family.
i know how you feel it sucks more than anything. i felt like a failure as a husband and father both. things cooled down and we are back together again... however it is hurricane season again and now the storm is on your door step.if you want her back go get her...but what a shitty time for this to happen. im so sorry

Vim&Vigour · 09-02-2008, 04:35 PM

Hej Mike,

Indeed, what has happened is most sad and the timing appalling.
Your wife is obviously finding it hard to cope with being a step-mother, having a small child and a "new" baby. Probably arguing with your 12 year old and sleepless nights with the baby have been taking their toll. She may be suffering from post-natal depression and your surgery was the last straw for her to handle.

You are 38. Your wife may be younger and not as mature. You have possibly involuntarily "compared" your late wife with your present one.

No matter what, recriminations are not going to help. Hopefully your own family can step in to provide domestic comfort during your immediate recovery period.
Then gradually have discussions with your 12 year old.
Give your wife "time & space" - she should be safe with the young children in her own family environment.
When your wife has "calmed down", you might be able to "visit" each other for a bit at a time, rebonding as it were.

I realise you are raw and stunned by what has happened to you - I would certainly be! However, not once did I read or feel that you "love" your wife and "miss her" or "are saddened" by her leaving nor that you miss the children. How long have you two been together? 4-5 years? In fairness to you, you have been factual in your message.

I wish you the very best of luck, patience and courage. It is a tall order for a young man to deal with. It seems that you have to be the leader here but make sure you look out for your own needs too.

Hoping all goes as well as possible for you.

Cheers,
Vim

Godsblessedme · 09-02-2008, 04:43 PM

Quote:

know how you feel it sucks more than anything. i felt like a failure as a husband and father both. things cooled down and we are back together again...

OMG you are amazing i wouldnt have taken her back in a millon years but i know you missed your lil boy

Mike&HisMotorcycle · 09-02-2008, 05:08 PM

Well folks, thanks for all the warm wishes, advice and cyber-hugs (never had one of those before).

Let's see, to answer some of your comments....

Do I love my wife? Yes, absolutely. I love her very much and yes, it aches so much right now. It also aches for the two little ones, too.

Is there more to the story? Gee, I don't think so... I'm not an abusive husband, very much to the contrary. I love my wife and family, I work a good job, provide a good source of income so that we have a comfortable life. We're not rich, not even close, but am thankful we don't have to visit the food bank to make ends meet. I love spending time with my kids. I try to help out at home where I can, give mom a break, take the kids to the park or just play outside with them.

I do enjoy riding motorcycles and that is usually a solo event. Didn't start out this way. When we were dating she was totally into it. Went to all my races, events, etc. I even bought her a bike and the 3 of us rode. Then about 2 years after we were married, she just suddenly decided that she didn't like it anymore. Said we did it too many times, she didn't enjoy it, it was boring, she was "stuck" with the kid, etc. That started a riff between us. Over the years, I have cut way back on riding, but it is very much a part of who I am and will not go away.

So, the 12 yr old son. He's a great kid, but he's 12. He knows how to play people. He will ask me a question like if he can go do something, knowing that my wife just moments earlier said no, but gee, I don't know this information. And when I say Yes, then starts the fighting. My wife tends to give up very easily in a conflict, even when I say I'm sorry and that I didn't know she had said no earlier, but she comes back with, "no one else listens to me..." or someother woman-psycho-babble. WTF? It's now a position where I can't make it right or better.

Anyway, I have been through stressful situations at other times in my life. I have learned to get through them and I need to learn to get through this one, too. I need to keep my mind and body focused on my goals and what I need to accomplish. Just get through each day and prepare for the next.

Thanks, everyone.
Mike