Wedding Been cancelled - ThinnerTimes

waterbottle · 08-17-2008, 08:49 AM

Firstly I would say to say a HUGE SORRY for not being online for a while and not replying to posts that have meant so much to other people. As I know when your in need of help any reply is better than none.

I must say this post is not a positive one or happy one. Which I will say sorry.

When I first joined this forum I found that the support and friendship was one of the most wonderful feelings I have ever had. I have made alot of friends some just online buddies but some people whom I have met and they know who they are have been good friends and always been there for me. I also hope I have been able to be there for them in their hour of need.

I had my band done August 25th 2007, and have lost weight and look better and think that people treat me different now because of these changes. I think some people feel when your over weight you are lazy and eat like a pig so you dont get respected or understood in life.

Since my band has been done I met Ian through a dating site and we got engaged Febuary 2008 one month after we met. At first I was bowled over with excitement and let all that first rush of love sweep me off my feet. But throughout the relationship I can now see that love alone wont make a good relationship?

When I first met Ian he was different he seemed more thoughful and caring and seem to make me feel at the time wanted and needed all in one. But as time has gone by it is obvious that we really do not know each other well enough to get married. I have found that since my weight has been coming off I want to go out more and have fun like (pictures,bowling,walking,learn a new skill tap dancing etc) you get my drift. But Ian seems reluctant to want to go out at all and wants to stay in and watch TV or sit on the Pc. I have spent enough time wasting my life and want to start living and I think I cant do that with Ian.

I have told Ian that I cant live in his home as it is not safe were he lives and now I have told him I cant marry him as I feel we need more time to get to know each other. He has taken it very hard and even though I have talked through all my worries with him he still seems unable to take on board that we are not really reading from the same book in life and we are so different? I feel as though what ever I share in my inner thoughts with Ian he is unable to understand me. My son has just left me as I rang him because I needed to talk to him and tell him how mixed up I am about everything. Gary is 29 and has always been so wonderful in supporting me he is a good son, So is Robert but he is more like me lol (god help us 2 of us you might think)

My son told me that he feels that since meeting Ian I have been down and seemed so stressed all the time. Life should be good and happy and I am the only one that can change what is happening and I cant seem to be sure what I really want now in the new life I thought would be so different.

I have never been a hurtful person and hate upsetting people but I really do feel now that perhaps Ian is not the person for me and I am worried I cant tell him. Yet when I think of Ian I feel the love I have for him so I am so mixed up I dont know which way to turn.

Yesterday I went for my 12 month review and was told that despite loosing
9st 6lbs in a year I could have done better? I was shocked and thought that even though I had not reached my target weight of 10st and still have 8lbs to go that I had tried my hardest and didnt need to be told I had dissapointed them? I thought we did this for ourselves and as I paid for my procedure myself and will have to keep paying for it, for the next 3 years then some credit might have been given? I am unable to give myself any credit as I now feel I should have done more to get the weight off faster.

So now I find myself thinking after reading through this depressing post.... What do I really want in life????

Happiness..... But inside I have never been or felt that despite my weight

Love......... I have that from Ian and my sons and feel so alone in life

Peace of mind..... Never had that in my lfe time?

Weight loss..... I have done this but still feel all the above.

Maybe I have never been able to really find the route of my unhappiness and thought that loosing weight would be the answer? Well as this is the second time I have lost a large amount weight and not found the answers...

PLEASE WILL SOMEONE ELSE HELP ME WORK OUT WHAT I REALLY WANT IN LIFE.......... FRIENDSHIP

katzz87 · 08-17-2008, 08:59 AM

Sorry to hear of all that you are going through. Seems to me as if you've lost yourself...and I understand that feeling. You, and you alone, need to make yourself happy, other people are there to SHARE your happiness...they can't MAKE you happy!

I'd say give things time, figure out what it is that YOU NEED...the rest will fall into place.

And regarding what your doctor said (you could have/should have lost more)...well...we ALL could have gone extremes and lost major weight, exercised like a nut (no disrespect to those that do!)...but for me this is a LIFESTYLE change...all things in moderation. Be proud of everything that you have accomplished during this past year!!

Good luck....and put yourself first...this time.

Cathy

waterbottle · 08-17-2008, 09:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by katzz87

Sorry to hear of all that you are going through. Seems to me as if you've lost yourself...and I understand that feeling. You, and you alone, need to make yourself happy, other people are there to SHARE your happiness...they can't MAKE you happy!

I'd say give things time, figure out what it is that YOU NEED...the rest will fall into place.

And regarding what your doctor said (you could have/should have lost more)...well...we ALL could have gone extremes and lost major weight, exercised like a nut (no disrespect to those that do!)...but for me this is a LIFESTYLE change...all things in moderation. Be proud of everything that you have accomplished during this past year!!

Good luck....and put yourself first...this time.

Cathy

I would like to say a big thank you for your reply I agree with what you say and I am hoping I wont combust before that..... Ian is on his way up now and said he wants to talk so I guess I will just listen and see what he has to say and maybe he can reassure me about alot of worries.

I hope you have a good weekend

take care Dianne

BabyNicole · 08-17-2008, 09:07 AM

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I also had my wedding canceled a few years ago, yet I was on the opposite end. But if you don't have those wonderful feelings toward him and you are not even married yet, maybe he wasn't the right person for you. But before you find someone to love you have to love yourself.

With that being said, what a shame that the doc told you your loss wasn't good enough. I think you look wonderful! Maybe all this stress has made you not reach your goals...weight, friendship, being more active, etc. If you alleviate some of that stress and focus on yourself (w/o Ian), maybe you will work up to being happier in life. People don't need a significant other for the rest of their life to be happy! I have been single for over 3 years and am very happy! I've had a lot of time to work on myself and not have to deal with the stress of another person. But, when the time comes and I get swept off my feet by my prince, I may jump. But until then, I have all the me time!

I wish you all the luck. And don't forget, you have tons of friends here who care about you. Now go give that Yorkie a kiss for me!!!!

Squishy · 08-17-2008, 09:10 AM

Good morning,

Normally, I would be inclined to say that I was sorry to hear about breaking the engagement off, but in this case I say "congratulations". How many times do we go down the wrong path in life because we do not want to deal with the emotions, disappointments, guilt, etc. You didn't do that. You considered what you want in life, what you deserve, what Ian deserves, and made a well thought out, responsible decision. Good for you!

From what you wrote, if you had proceeded with the wedding, you would have been on diverging paths and growing farther apart with each passing day.

You wrote that you are not sure what you want in life. Join the club.

Most of us don't know exactly what we want. We are usually better at identifying what we know that we "don't" want and from that we back into the realization of what we want.

So reading between the lines of your post, it appears that you do not want to be alone, but you are not willing to settle for an incomplete relationship. Perfect!

Start doing those things you wrote about... go for walks, take tap-dance lessons... do everything that interests you. That is where you are most likely to meet someone who shares your interests and matches your energy level. Just live your life and the relationship opportunities will come to you.

As for the doctor's comments.... ppppphhhttttttt!!!!!! It's easy to make those statements from the sidelines, but how many of those doctors make the right nutritional choices every day. You could say the same thing to them. I have a friend who is going to have WLS and one of the surgeons she was considering said that she had to follow his program or his success rate would drop. She asked whose success he was worried about his or hers? She knew immediately that this was not the surgeon for her.

You're doing great! You are making brave decisions and taking responsibility for your own happiness. We all should be so strong.

-Mike-

fisher1000 · 08-17-2008, 09:50 AM

Wow, Dianne, what a woman you are! Strong, capable, confident.

I agree with what Mike said, this is not a sad time. This is a time for a woman who knows what she wants out of life goes after it.

I'm proud of you, you are an inspiration!

As far as the doctor--piss on him. You know how awesome you've done and no one else's opinion matters more than yours!

-Mike

mistymee · 08-17-2008, 10:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fisher1000

Wow, Dianne, what a woman you are! Strong, capable, confident.

I agree with what Mike said, this is not a sad time. This is a time for a woman who knows what she wants out of life goes after it.

I'm proud of you, you are an inspiration!

As far as the doctor--piss on him. You know how awesome you've done and no one else's opinion matters more than yours!

-Mike

Exactly what I told her last evening in our chat... she's lost 126 lbs in a year.. THAT is a stunning accomplishment and to have her doc minimize that is INSANE!

agodewey · 08-17-2008, 10:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BabyNicole

before you find someone to love you have to love yourself.

Here here! Well said!

I have to say that I can relate to your problem with Ian. I am afraid that after the surgery my wife, who needs WLS but still cannot control her eating, and has a hang up about the hanging skin, will not move foreward when I do. I am hoping I can be an inspiration to her. I have 19 years invested in this marriage, and I am not about to give it up just based on what could be. However, if I were in your position, I hope I would act as bravely as you did. It's scary to be alone if your a person who feels they need the companionship. Stick to your guns and you will come out on top.

I can also understand about the dr. telling you that you could do better. My surgeon requires a 10% weight loss before he will consent to do the surgery. I was so proud the day I went in and found out I had reached the 10%, but all the doctor could say was, "great, now lose some more." and there was not much enthusiasm on the "great." I was frustrated and let the surgeon know at the next appointment. He told me that the more weight I lost before the surgery, the safer the surgery and recovery would be. You might try and talking to your dr. about his/her comment and find out where his/her motivation lies. Hopefully you will find that it is about concern for you. If not, well nuts to him/her! You look great!

Good luck with Ian and your sons. I'm sure that you will come out on top.

P.S. sorry for the long post.

jenn75 · 08-17-2008, 12:58 PM

No one here can tell you if Ian is right for you, but for the first time in your life, YOU are right for YOU. You have put yourself first and you have taken the healthiest steps in your lifetime to ensure that you will not waste any more of your time on this Earth to sit around at home watching life outside pass you by. If Ian wants to keep you home, then he's just as good as the weight as you've lost over this past year to your emotional health. From what you've described Ian = 126 lbs. If you settle for Ian and his current habits, then you're saying to yourself that you're willing to gain that back.

With that being said, I'm not saying he's a bad guy, but he does not share the healthy habits you have worked so hard to bring into your life. If he wants to support the new you and work on your relationship, then he will need to become just as active as you are to ensure that you maintain the new YOU.

If you do keep ruminating on your doc's weight loss comment, as others have said, talk to your doc and ask why. It might shed some new light on why they said it, and it might allow you to stop focusing on this and focus on what you have lost, which is SO SIGNIFICANT, no one could ever deny that. You should be very proud!

waterbottle · 08-17-2008, 03:42 PM

Well I have just logged in to read all the wonderful comments you have left me.
This is a picture of me and my son that stayed with me today for a long chat and his love has made me feel so lucky in life.

I have sat tonight wondering why I am making myself feel like this and what would happen if it was the other way round and ian was unhappy, from his past relationships he has never been afraid to end one if it is not what he wants.

I am still trying to think about things and now feel that I must go to bed and think about trying to enjoy what I have achieved and not whatI still want to do with the last 8lbs.

I will post in the morning and I would like to say how grateful I am that you took the time to say those kind words and make me feel better before bed.

good Night and love to you all.... Dianne