Just need a friend - ThinnerTimes

Hamburgler · 08-16-2008, 07:06 PM

So, My dad died on the 13th. I didnt post right away because I know you all are wonderful but was just not ready for the condolences? did I spell that right? Anyways, my dad was a leaver, he abandoned me and then continued for most of my life to yo yo in and out of it. I lived with him a couple times, and one blessing is that is how I met my current husband back in 8th grade, so thanks Daddy for that. I didnt have the dad there for advice, to give my hand in marriage, or well frankly, for anything. There were times he tried, and really wanted it, but a couple years ago I decided I didnt want anything. My kids were already growning up, he didnt really even know them or me and I just walked away. So he died. Ive been ok, but then again, Im totally not ok. Does that make sense. I dont have any true adult friends, Im seperated from any real family, and I feel pretty alone. His wife is refusing to honor him with his military service/burial, she is not up for it, she hung up on us girls today, she pretty much doesnt want anything to do with us. My husband is my only and best friend and he pretty much dont know how to handle me right now. My work has given me paid time off. I have been on the phone, relatives coming out of the woodwork, on the computer dealing with feelings and some people I care little or nothing for. I dont even know if I make sense at this point. How do you loose something you never really had???God I just dont want this for my kids, all of whom have estranged fathers. This sucks. I just fell like yelling, "daddy you would have liked me, you would have been proud of me." But its all too FUCKING late. I keep thinking Im ok, but I just dont know. Thanks for letting me dump. Sorry.

Toony · 08-16-2008, 07:15 PM

WOW Jenny... what a time for you! I have no words of wisdom - only a comforting hug for you honey... I've never considered what to do in a situation like yours. Hoping someone here will come along with the right words for you.

Love!

Katie

mistymee · 08-16-2008, 07:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hamburgler

How do you loose something you never really had???

I know what you're feeling, Jenny... I have a "Dad".. and a biological 'father'.. when my BioF died, the obit said he "left two sons Kxxxx and Mxxxx and two daughters"- period. His family knew we existed but not our names.

I grieved over his passing, grieving for what could have been, not what was and grieved over the fact that he didn't think I (or my sister) were important enough to even mention our names to his family so when he died only our brother and the half-brother we never met were mentioned.

I cried for three solid days non-stop.. and no one could understand how I could be so sad over the passing of a man who thought so little of me. But his passing meant that he would never take the time to even try to get to know me.

{{{ hugs}}} to you, hon... go ahead a cry if you need to.. it's understandable that you would feel the way you do.

fisher1000 · 08-16-2008, 07:38 PM

I was going to call you, but when I dialed 867-5309, there wasn't a Jenny that answered...strange...

Kidding.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Anything emotional is amplified 10 times because of the state we are all in after this surgery. I'm 11 months out and still dealing with the pysche on a daily basis!

You said something that struck me: How can you lose something you never had? Well, you did have him...just not in the traditional way. The connections are still there: biological, psychological, just not physically. It's a lot like faith I think--living your whole life knowing that something is out there that you are supposed to believe in but you can't see it. But you know it's there. Some men are not good at being fathers. Some people are not good at loving. But you have faith that someday something will happen. Unfortunately, humans are fallible, and expectations from others mean nothing to some people. Even if you can't grieve for him as your dad...maybe you can just grieve for him as a human...someone who was here and now is not, and it's sad, but it's no different than your previous relationship with him.

Can I also say that while people strive diligently to impress their families and want to be complemented and known and be a source of pride...you need to know that you've got hundreds of people here who think you're awesome!

So let me say out loud, here, now:

I like you.

I think you're awesome, especially coming through this journey you are on.

I'm proud of you and I think you are a top notch person who makes things better wherever you go.

Grieve, but then let it go. Your life is so much better now and you've got a lot of living to do.

So go do it.

I love ya!

-Mike

Corrine · 08-16-2008, 08:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fisher1000

I was going to call you, but when I dialed 867-5309, there wasn't a Jenny that answered...strange...

Kidding.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Anything emotional is amplified 10 times because of the state we are all in after this surgery. I'm 11 months out and still dealing with the pysche on a daily basis!

You said something that struck me: How can you lose something you never had? Well, you did have him...just not in the traditional way. The connections are still there: biological, psychological, just not physically. It's a lot like faith I think--living your whole life knowing that something is out there that you are supposed to believe in but you can't see it. But you know it's there. Some men are not good at being fathers. Some people are not good at loving. But you have faith that someday something will happen. Unfortunately, humans are fallible, and expectations from others mean nothing to some people. Even if you can't grieve for him as your dad...maybe you can just grieve for him as a human...someone who was here and now is not, and it's sad, but it's no different than your previous relationship with him.

Can I also say that while people strive diligently to impress their families and want to be complemented and known and be a source of pride...you need to know that you've got hundreds of people here who think you're awesome!

So let me say out loud, here, now:

I like you.

I think you're awesome, especially coming through this journey you are on.

I'm proud of you and I think you are a top notch person who makes things better wherever you go.

Grieve, but then let it go. Your life is so much better now and you've got a lot of living to do.

So go do it.

I love ya!

-Mike

Jenny,

My relationship with my father pretty much echoed yours.

What Mike wrote brought tears to my eyes after all these years. I didn't shed a tear when I'd heard that my father had died but reading Mike's post has made me realise I don't need to beat myself up about it.

Sending you hugs sweetheart and Mike.... you are a precious person and I'm blessed to have you in my life.

BabyNicole · 08-16-2008, 08:18 PM

Oh Jenny, I'm so sorry.

I wish I had some words of wisdom, but this time I don't. Just know that we are here for you.

izanmanyzanz · 08-16-2008, 09:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fisher1000

I was going to call you, but when I dialed 867-5309, there wasn't a Jenny that answered...strange...

Kidding.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Anything emotional is amplified 10 times because of the state we are all in after this surgery. I'm 11 months out and still dealing with the pysche on a daily basis!

You said something that struck me: How can you lose something you never had? Well, you did have him...just not in the traditional way. The connections are still there: biological, psychological, just not physically. It's a lot like faith I think--living your whole life knowing that something is out there that you are supposed to believe in but you can't see it. But you know it's there. Some men are not good at being fathers. Some people are not good at loving. But you have faith that someday something will happen. Unfortunately, humans are fallible, and expectations from others mean nothing to some people. Even if you can't grieve for him as your dad...maybe you can just grieve for him as a human...someone who was here and now is not, and it's sad, but it's no different than your previous relationship with him.

Can I also say that while people strive diligently to impress their families and want to be complemented and known and be a source of pride...you need to know that you've got hundreds of people here who think you're awesome!

So let me say out loud, here, now:

I like you.

I think you're awesome, especially coming through this journey you are on.

I'm proud of you and I think you are a top notch person who makes things better wherever you go.

Grieve, but then let it go. Your life is so much better now and you've got a lot of living to do.

So go do it.

I love ya!

-Mike

Sweetheart, Mike did say some really powerful things here, and I too have that kind of father. When I found out he had liver cancer, I thought I should have been upset and cry for him, but I couldn't. Even though we talk once a month it is just a casual conversation like someone you have met in passing. We never really talk. I cant. I cant tell him all the things I would like too. He just doesnt listen that way. He has always been an alcoholic and even though he says he has quit, I just dont feel like he is the person I can turn too when things are going bad. I am sorry for your loss, please know that you can pm anytime, and know that God did these things with us for a reason. It has made us stronger women for our children. Grieve and move on sweetie. We love you here.

I_love_Hello Kitty · 08-16-2008, 10:46 PM

No matter what, we naturally want something from our parents...we need them...even if they're not there. And even if they were never there for us I think it leaves an unexplained void. Its just normal.

You're normal.

He was your father...he may not have been a good Dad, but he was your Father...for wahtever small portion of your life he shared with you...so grieve losing him, and gireve that he will never have a chance to do for you what you had always wished he could do. And then move on...you're a strong person, and this too shall pass. You'll be in my thoughts.

rachalrg · 08-17-2008, 04:01 AM

Jenny,

I'm so sorry about your loss. Mike hit the nail on the head with his beautiful words. Like someone else said, God has a plan and a reason for putting us through the things he does. In the end, you're a very strong woman and mother. You mentioned that you didn't want this for your kids because they too have estranged fathers. There's your lesson right there, don't let it happen to them. Even if their fathers want nothing to do with them, you have your husband, their step-father, to step in to that role. He can be the one who acts as their father and will love them just the same. Even if that doesn't work out, you are their example of what a parent should be and what they should strive to become, Jenny. I pray that God will give you peace to get through this, you already have the strength. I pray continue to pray for you and your family, as I do for everyone on this forum. I love you guys!

{{{HUGS}}}

Rachal

If you ever need to talk PM me, email me rachalrg@yahoo.com , instant message me on yahoo or myspace...same name...this goes for anyone else on here.
God Bless you!

Squishy · 08-17-2008, 08:33 AM

I cannot possibly add anything of value to what Mike and the others wrote. Those heartfelt posts really say it all. Just know that you've got a friend in me too.

-Mike-