Losing it...(long post, go get coffee) - ThinnerTimes

Debz · 07-05-2008, 11:11 AM

...apparently was the easy part. Now the real work of gastric bypass begins.

Haven't posted much lately.I've just been working on perceiving the new me ...."just" being the biggest understatement EVER. I'm kinda struggling with the light speed difference there is in me. I mean, I've gone from morbidly obese to normal in less than 11 months. It's boggling at best and completely overwhelming at times.

Last year at the 4th of July, I was fat and uncomfortable with myself and this year, I wore a size 6. My brain is working hard to catch up with my body. And boy is it ever a job.

Appearance is such a big deal, even tho we are taught that looks don't matter. But they do! It's amazing how differently people respond to me now as opposed to before. And I can't really talk about it with my friends, because they're all kind of pissed that I've changed, and they haven't. It's such a mine field. LOL.

I don't want to just gloss that last point over...it's so hard sometimes. I can't call so many of my friends and say "Guess what, the goal jeans I bought months ago are too big for me!" It's made this weird space in so many of my relationships. I just have to keep quiet and act like it's not a big deal. But it is! But for the most part, I'm experiencing it alone.

I can't really share my wow moments with most of my friends at all. And even people that I know here from my IRL support group are weird about it too, because I've done so well. I'm not bragging...but it's pretty obvious when you look at me that gastric bypass did right by me. I've been very lucky, and I feel so grateful that this happened for me.

I think the worst part is people I know that are maybe 15 pounds overweight...they are the leaders of the "you did it the easy way" group. I guess I understand, but, I feel like I'm bearing the brunt of their own anger at themselves.

Oh, BTW...just as a hint...don't offer clothing you wore on the way down to someone who used to be thinner than you. Personal experience has taught me that no matter how well you are intentioned, this is a VERY bad thing to do. It's akin to asking someone, "When is the baby due?" and then finding out they're not pregnant. Huge faux pas...to be avoided at all costs. I think if she had been pre-menstrual...I might be typing this from a hospital bed.

But enough of what is from without side of me...what's inside is like a tsunami. It's huge and it just keeps coming. (There's a really off color joke in there...I'll let you do your own math.) My whole paradigm is changing about so many things...even the way I look at the way obese people are treated.

It kind of pissed me off in the beginning when I realized how differently I was treated because of the weight loss. But it's just the truth that even I respond differently to someone that's heavy and someone that isn't. And I did when I was 250 pounds. I mean, how many of us are guilty of thinking, "Wow, she's got such a pretty face"? Or, "Why is he with her?

Can I really fault others for being more receptive to me now than before? I realize that even I myself hold certain beliefs about obesity,when I allow myself to look deep inside and really explore my thoughts. And if even I think that way, someone who used to be morbidly obese, how can I expect something different from someone who doesn't know the struggle that comes with obesity?

That being said, I'm still the same person I was before. And no matter how much I try to rationalize it, it still torques me...that there are people that see me now that I was invisible to before.

So much more to say...but I have a BBQ to get to. Love you guys and thanks for listening.

Bat Masterson · 07-05-2008, 11:26 AM

Oh hun, I can relate except for the friends part of it. I never really had "friends" that I didn't work with who I spoke with on a semi weekly basis. Just recently I went back to a job site with people who hadn't seen me since surgery (and at the time only 45 pounds lighter) and people who I considered "like brothers" to me were flirting and talking to me differently. As for the wow moments, I am still having them but it seems like my family and the DBF aren't as happy for me anymore. I mean, I'm sure they're happy but they're just not as WOW as I am. Hell, if your on any kind of messaging thing, just send me your wow moment!! We would share!

Godsblessedme · 07-05-2008, 12:06 PM

wow Debz! very enlightening i'm so glad you took the time to write how you feel now i think its phenominal how our relationships change with everyone around us. Keep up the great work you inspirer you

Phoenixfire · 07-05-2008, 01:25 PM

Every single thing you wrote of is what I too went through. And it IS very bizarre and unique.
Nobody who has had WLS can understand this I think. I've found I don't have any contact with anyone from when I was fat. My life changed drastically so that's why. Wasn't by choice but I'd imagine you're going to have to find new friends that know you as the size 6 woman you are.
EVERYTHING you wrote is what I went through and I'd think others did too (others may post the same as I am).

I don't have solutions for you, but I can tell you that somewhere along the way you'll "wake up thin" and realize "Hey! This is ME!" It sinks in, but it takes awhile. And having people who hate on you for changing is just a stumbling block and extra depression you really don't need.

I'd encourage you to redefine your definition of selfish. Not SELF-CENTERED, BUT SELFISH. Because you now have a lot of emotional and mental readjustments to match the body you have after being so obese. It's not as quick as the weight loss. No way Jose. Everyone takes a different amount of time to adapt to their new body. But it will happen. Only if you maintain your weight loss.

I have know people in my life who couldn't accept the new bodies they had and they sabotaged the weight loss and regained. It was sad, but I understand that it was because they could never accept the new body they had. I hope you don't go that route, because I think it's a tragedy. It's swapping your good health and longer life for the immediate gratification of relief from the hard self-examination and work involved in changing your whole view of yourself.

Because that's what we're doing: changing our entire view of ourselves. No easy task sweetheart

Vim&Vigour · 07-05-2008, 02:31 PM

I'm walking in your shoes Debz!
You have written it all for me!
I am grieving over the loss of a 16 1/2 year old friendship with my "best friend" - she cannot accept the "new" me, slimmer, independent and confident. She feels left out and "punishes" me for it. I miss her and what we had.
Hope you enjoyed the BBQ!
Cheers,
Vim

AusLaurie · 07-05-2008, 03:33 PM

Maybe at least some of your friendships can be saved (if they are worth saving that is)

The thing is we have changed so rapidly that WE EVEN find it hard to accept us, and it is our change, we are feeling the benefits of that change. Does that make sense?

So maybe just try and keep contact in as loving a way as you can (without putting yourself in a toxic situation) and maybe with time your new look will start to not feel so strange to your friends. Because I suspect that your friends (at least the good ones) aren't so shallow as to NEVER have a friendship with someone thin.

It is probably just freaking them out and all of their guilt and issues are surfacing and they want to blame you for it because it IS YOU after all that has changed the status quo and by changing you have made them look at their own selves. People don't like change ESPECIALLY when we feel that we have been forced to have that change.

I hope that makes sense and in some way helps.

Of course I maintain that if any of your friends are abusive you must let them know in no uncertain terms that is NOT acceptable and if they continue to be abusive then you need to remove yourself from the toxic situation.

But if they are indeed good friends and good people then give them time and try and help them see that even though you have changed you still love them and don't judge them negatively for not following your footsteps.

In any case I am so sorry that you are feeling so hurt and I sure don't blame you for feeling that way!

As far as the EASY WAY OUT that drives me absolutely CRAZY. Even if it IS the easy way out,(which for most it isn't) WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD CHOOSE THE HARD WAY IF THERE WAS AN EASY WAY AVAILABLE!

PLUS to quote someone on this forum (sorry I don't remember who)
"It wasn't the easy way, it was ONLY way"

All the best
Laurie

I_love_Hello Kitty · 07-06-2008, 03:47 AM

This was a really interesting post.

I didn't tell anyone but my husband, mother-in-law, best friend and brother I had the surgery. I really never expected to change this much. I didn't want to deal with all the dumb questions, comments and fears of others...and I didn't want to be judged...so I did not tell. Now that I have changed more drastically than I anticipated, its awkward when people ask how I did it...but I just maintain I eat a restrictive diet...or eat very small portions. I figured I either deal with the dumb reactions by telling about WLS...or the "how did you do it" part once it happened...so I chose the latter...
I'm sure many people question it...but whatever.

Now that I'm here...I have had a little different experience than you. None of my friends treat me differently. I don't know if its because they don't know about the surgery...but no one has really reacted any differently to me.

In fact, as much as I hate to admit it....I feel bummed sometimes that I don't get more reaction. I went from a 22 to a 12 (verging on 10), and I don't really seem to have anyone treating me differently...I mean I don't know what I was expecting...but especially from the opposite sex, I guess I did expect to be noticed a bit more....(I'm happily married...but it never hurts to be noticed and maybe even flirted with). My neighbor...a guy my age...recently said...hmmm, have you been losing weight?? Ok...dude its like 100 lbs!!!! Women friends and acquaintences notice, and compliment. But in terms of interaction with me...neither men nor women treat me any differently. I do feel like my self esteem has soared...and I think I look so much better...so you'd think I would have different interactions with men...but I don't. Maybe I'm just not "putting it out there" cause I'm married....not sure. I was never good at flirting...guess I'm still not. I guess I thought it would just happen more (without any invitation from me)...but it really just hasn't.

As far as my feelings about others who are fat....I've always despised my fatness. Its been with me since childhood. I hate it....I hate what my overwhelming desire and cherishment of food did to my life...my entire life...for as long as I can remember...the compulsiveness....I despised it in myself. I resented every minute of control it had over me. I despise that eventhough I did not choose it, I have guilt for passing the gene on to my innocent and beautiful 8 year old daughter who deserves better....but now will go through life dealing with its power, the way I had to. And I hope it will not ruin her...the way it took so much out of my life.

So with my complete hatred for it...within myself....there is no confusion as to why I hate it in others. I feel bad for fat people, as I did for myself...but I certainly would never treat someone badly or in an unkind manner... thin just looks better. And if you have to watch people over indulge..it can be hard. And if you have to sit next to someone on a plane who encroaches on your space, its not as comfortable. Its never ok to treat someone differently because they are fat...but in a way, I can understand it... although I seriously think that most heavy people simply cannot help it. I really feel they can't. I couldn't. It took this surgery to help me change. It was the only way for me.

Noonie · 07-06-2008, 04:05 AM

Well i am fairly new to the WLS journey and am still pre-op but i have also decided to only tell close family ie; my hubby, mum, dad, sister and very close aunt who is like my sister. I feel that otherwise i would be judged and would spend the rset of my life explaining.
I come from a small village in Ireland and people are very much 50 years behind times so i know that very little people would understand the reason i have had this WLS, they would probably use the conversation as a laugh and joke about the fact, so i would always feel that all eyes were on me!!!! AND I DONT WANT TO FEEL LIKE THAT.
Plan to tell poeple that i have cut my portion sizes and really i will not be lying to them, it will be mine and my nearest and dearest's wee secret. Fingers crossed it works out like that!!!
Luv Noonie X

sassy37 · 07-06-2008, 05:08 AM

"Well Ive done the opposite from most of u (trust me )

lol ....
I am the youngest of 7 siblings , and me being nearly 38 My sisters and brothers are in their 50's & 40's .
Yes my mum always wanted a big family (The Waltons) lol ... crazy lady . god bless her wee soul xxxx
I still have my dad hes nearly 78 , but quite mobile and fit still although over weight

.....
I have told all my family & dad of course and even explained this to my daughter who will be 8 in Sept .
Everyone is happy for me and supporting me 100% , knowing this isnt a vanity issue , its for my health.
I have a young child and Im divorced living alone with her , I want to go bike riding , swimming , running and just to be heathly and active and be around a long time for her , with no major issues that effect my health due to my obsesity !
Im very lucky I have HUGE circle of great friends whom also are right behind my decision

Although one told me the other day ! A friend of ours whom we are about the same size (only fat girls in our circle of friends)
Said to her ... OH SO IM GONA BE THE ONLY FAT FRIEND LEFT EH . WAT IM I A TOKEN FAT FRIEND ????And I have noticed that friend dont call . text or visit me much these days !I know she isnt happy for me , but to be honest thats HER problem not mine.
I want to change my life

To be honest Im not gona loose sleep over it , MY LIFE , MY DECISION , I SAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All the best

Sas xxxxxxxxxxx

sassy37 · 07-06-2008, 05:18 AM

[I wanted to tell u all this :
After I explained the surgery and my reasons to my 7 year old daughter , I then asked her : DOES IT EMBARASS U THAT YOUR MUMMY IS BIG ?
Her answer : NO MUM BECAUSE ITS INSIDE WAT MATTERS AND SHE POINTED TO HER HEART .
SHE SAID YOUR LOVELY AND THATS WAT MATTERS !!!!!!!!!!!
OMG I NEARLY CRIED ME EYES OUT ....
Bless her wee heart ...
That really touched me , I have ALWAYS bought my child up Never to judge anyone , and always see past what they look like ie: colour , creed , disabilities etc etc etc ...
Im proud its worked !

There is a pic on my profile of my daughter , feel free to take a peep.

Best wishes

Sas xxxxxxxxxxx