Feeling Guilt - ThinnerTimes

Vikkator · 07-02-2008, 03:08 PM

Today I found out that one of my dad's best friends passed away. There are calling hours tonight and a service to follow. I was friends with his kids when we were young but haven't seen most of them in 20 years.

I am not going to the calling hours or service. I am too embarrassed to go. I know that an old flame will be there and I don't want him to see me like this. I don't want anyone to see me like this. I don't even want to go to the store anymore for fear I will run into someone I know. My husband and I used to go out on Thursday nights to hear a blues band we love. I won't go anymore. He goes with one of his buddies.

I can't stand this anymore! I just want to start losing weight and never look back. I know I don't have much longer to go, but this really sucks. I'm getting very impatient and feel like crap about this.

I want to be there but I just can't bring myself to do it.

Godsblessedme · 07-02-2008, 03:11 PM

o sweetie i'm sorry you feel like that, i think you should go. To pay respects your going for him not for yourself. Just put your feelings aside for now and hey look at it like this, next time they see you, you will be slimmer and sexier

Robin W · 07-02-2008, 03:20 PM

I agree totally with Deborah. At a time like this, it is not about you or how you look. Hold your head high and be your father's daughter. Screw everyone else and what they think. You'll be back to your "old self" in time but this opportunity will have come and gone.

Vikkator · 07-02-2008, 03:24 PM

I know I should go. I just can't bring myself to do it. I doubt there will be a next time that I see his kids. Like I said, I haven't seen them in 20 years. My dad was out of touch with him too. My brother is going to go, he was actually closer to them than I was, but I'm still feeling bad about it.

Thanks for the uplifting message, Deb.

Gina in NY · 07-02-2008, 04:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vikkator

Today I found out that one of my dad's best friends passed away. There are calling hours tonight and a service to follow. I was friends with his kids when we were young but haven't seen most of them in 20 years.

I am not going to the calling hours or service. I am too embarrassed to go. I know that an old flame will be there and I don't want him to see me like this. I don't want anyone to see me like this. I don't even want to go to the store anymore for fear I will run into someone I know. My husband and I used to go out on Thursday nights to hear a blues band we love. I won't go anymore. He goes with one of his buddies.

I can't stand this anymore! I just want to start losing weight and never look back. I know I don't have much longer to go, but this really sucks. I'm getting very impatient and feel like crap about this.

I want to be there but I just can't bring myself to do it.

I remember that two weeks before my surgery I had my daughter at the park and this little kid asked his mom, "Mommy - why is that mommy so fat?" in that sweet little, carry two miles on the wind way children have. His mother wanted to die on the spot but I helped her out, saying, "God makes people all kinds of ways." Meanwhile, I was thinking - can these next 14 days pass any more slowly?? I felt like I wanted to crawl into a cave and come out 6 months later - but I didn't.

Now there are people who I saw at my heaviest, that were thinking god only knows what, but the fact is, I have had at least 100 people not recognize me this past year. Even people who saw me 6 months after surgery don't know who I am at 2 years out.

The point is, you have to chalk it up, you know? Don't stop living just because you're overweight. I mean, I made myself go out there and it hurt, but that is part of why I have done as well as I have and why I will not go back, will not gain weight etc. I have been there and I know it sucks. I didn't shield myself, I put myself through it all and said "NEVER FORGET!" and I never will. Being fat SUCKS but there are some good lessons to learn.

Mainly, happiness has nothing to do with the number on the scale. Even thin, you can be miserable and overweight you can feel joy. Your perception is everything. If you use your weight as an excuse to avoid discomfort, to deny yourself a chance to "live", you may find any excuse to do so. Maybe later you won't be "thin enough" or you won't have the right car or heaven knows what. Maybe this will be the last thing you ever miss - I don't know - only you can know that. Just stay balanced and know why you're doing what you're doing. And by the way, old flames never burn like they did years ago. Very dissappointing...

Good luck!!

Vikkator · 07-03-2008, 07:12 AM

Thank you all for your encouragement. I know I have some things to work out about my self esteem. Being overweight has always been part of my life, but I've never been this big. Yesterday after I wrote this post, I started to cry. My daughter came up to me and gave me a big hug and held me for a few minutes. She told me that no matter what I think, she thinks I'm beautiful. She said it over and over. She is such a sweetheart and she's one who really doesn't understand why I want this surgery. She made me cry more, but also made me feel good, and loved.

I spoke with my older son about it a bit later because he saw that I was upset. He said "Mom, what is up with that? You shouldn't worry about what people think of you. That's not what's important. That's not like you, who cares?" Well, I care. I guess that's the only way I can explain it. There have been so many things I haven't been able to do in the past 6 months. Sometimes I just want to bury my head in the sand until this is all over. I think what doesn't help me is the fact that I work from home. It lets me hide.

I'm not totally depressed or anything. I'm very excited about getting this surgery. I'm looking forward to finally having something that can help me slim down. A tool I can use to make it permanent. It's just that I have a mental block about not wanting people to see me like this. Just a year and a half ago I was 55 pounds thinner than I am now (in the picture). I usually have a pretty upbeat attitude. Thanks for the pep talks and support. I'm really glad I found this forum. You guys are great.

AlabamaChick · 07-04-2008, 03:16 PM

I didn't go to one of my favorite aunt's funerals a few weeks before my surgery and it broke my heart I was not able to be there. I had wonderful memories of her when I was younger and all through my life. She was precious to me, but I was just not able to make it from not being able to walk for more than 5 or 10 feet at a time due to my obesity and broken bone in my back. I didn't have anything to wear either. I had no clothes that fit me well and nothing that looked good enough to go anywhere but Walmart. I hate I let myself get to that point, but as sweet as she was, I know she would have given me a sweet hug and kiss and told me it was perfectly okay. She was the best! I still miss her like crazy.

I_love_Hello Kitty · 07-05-2008, 12:14 AM

I think most everyone on here has felt like this at one time or another. I know if it was me prior to surgery, I probably wouldn't have gone either. Maybe its silly...but I really know how you feel. You can always send a card or flowers to the family. You don't need to be there if it makes you feel uncomfortable...I am not saying you should stop living your life because of being fat...I really feel that as fat people we spend too much of our lives missing out on things because we feel embarassed by how we look...or worry about what people will think...or simply because we are too big to participate. So in no way do I think we should bow out of fun and/or meaningful times of our lives...but in this circumstance...when you feel at your worst...and people are going to be there who you haven't seen in 20 years...plus an old flame...I'd say don't feel guilty....that person who passed knows you loved them. Send wishes to the family.

In no time you'll be losing weight, and feeling better about yourself...and you'll be able to buy cuter outfits....and hopefully you'll be in a mindset to participate in everything. But for now, don't feel the guilt...its not worth torturing yourself.

Vikkator · 07-05-2008, 07:52 AM

Thanks for the uplifting encouragement. You all know how I feel. I'm thinking by Christmas time, I'll really have something to celebrate.

fisher1000 · 07-05-2008, 08:03 AM

Vicki,

Don't save your celebrations for Christmas! There are things that you will have to change after the surgery, some of which you could start now and beginning feeling the taste of success you're going after!

Things like:
Drink more water.
Start cutting back on soft drinks.
Eat less fat and sugar.
Start adding more protein. (Try some protein bars or shakes in place of a meal)

You don't have to prolong your success and your WOW moments, and you don't have to go whole hog healthy either at this point. The smallest changes reap the greatest rewards...and small things are easy to turn into lifelong habits.

My wife does something with her kids at school where she gives them a penny. They talk about "small change" and how all that small change adds up to riches! Maybe you could carry a penny around with you...reminding yourself that small change makes a big difference!

Good luck!

-Mike