Unsupportive wife - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

BobF4 · 06-01-2008, 03:45 AM

I am just starting out exploring the WLS journey ahead of me. I have my seminar with the surgeon on June 11.

Unfortunately, I have an unsupportive wife. Whenever I bring it up, she brings up a lot of negative thoughts, such as "You will not be able to handle the diet, because you like to eat too much", "I won't be able to handle you when you have the surgery, because you act like a little child now", and "If you get the surgery, I won't be here."

I've tried pointing out the benefits I would gain by getting the surgery, but she is not listening. One very stong-willed woman, to be sure.

Any suggestions on how to handle this?

coptergirl · 06-01-2008, 04:11 AM

Bob..I am sorry she is being unsupportive. It is so necessary to have the support through the journey. I found out after the fact that DH acted supportive, but never really supported me either - thank God mom was around so much!

Invite your wife to your appointments and informative sessions and support so that she can ask her own questions and see others who have gone through it. Most times its the fear lying being the ignorance that causes this attitude.

I wish you the very best - know that all of us support you 100%!

Toony · 06-01-2008, 04:14 AM

Hi Bob... it's hard enough to make this decision, and I feel badly for you that your wife is not being supportive.

I loved to eat too... and since the surgery, that drive is gone. I'm not hungry and my pouch, Thumbelina has a strong voice and tells me to STOP - with no doubt in her voice. Stop means stop and if I push it, I get sick and feel horrible for hours.

Do you act like a child now? Have her explain that and see if you can correct those behaviors...

Is she overweight too? Is she really worried about the surgery and losing you? If/when you get to your psych evaluation, you can discuss these issues with the Doctor... and then - you always have us too! This is a great support team!

Best wishes,

katie

fisher1000 · 06-01-2008, 04:16 AM

While many of us have supportive spouses, there are a few here who have had issues, either before or after the surgery. It would be great if everyone in your circle is supportive of your newfound commitment to health and longevity, but I think you'll find that part of that battle boils down to how much those in your circle know and understand about Gastric Bypass.

If I were you, I would share every shred of information that you can find about the surgery, your doctor/practice, what the new way of eating will look like, everything you can find. If she is still unwilling to listen, or is still putting you down about your decision, it might not hurt to talk to someone. (Either by yourself or together.) It's important and helpful to have the people that you love the most on your side, even better if you can help them to understand your motivation for doing what you are doing.

That said, remember too that you are making a change for YOU. This is a very personal decision that is stressful to make and not one to be made lightly. If you feel this is the best option for you, stick to your guns and hope that your wife will begin to see your perspective.

Good Luck,

-Mike

BobF4 · 06-01-2008, 04:40 AM

I planned on inviting her to any and all appointments that I can. Unfortunately, she can't join me at the informational seminar on the 11th.

Sometimes I can tend to be childish, I suppose, if I don't get what I want. But, I also know that if I am deemed a good candidate for the surgery, that I can't act that where food is concerned any more.

And, make no mistake about it. If deemed suitable for the surgery, I will be doing this. I am commited to seeing it through properly, and, pardon my language, not doing a half-assed job about losing the weight!

Bob

bridgetgirl · 06-01-2008, 05:24 AM

Hi Bob,

The surgery is a decision of wellness. Does youre wife know that if you continue on your current path that your lifestyle will kill you? That you may die pematurely of a heart attack?

What you have is a scare wife Bob. But, what you need to ask yourself is, the relationship you have today a solid one? Are you in love or is this relationship and/or conditional?
Many of us that are MO are in the habit of accepting less and eating more.

This surgery is about lifestyle changes. Its about putting you first, for once. What disturbs me about your report of the things sge said to you is, she attacked you? I dont understand why someone would pit down someone they love? Secondly, she is making your decision about her. Which is she something your probably used to and ware of.

This your time Bob, you need to dothis for you, so you can be the healthy, log living mnan, husband, father and provider you were meant to be. If you have someone in your life that isnt supportive,do what you can to include her. Let her know on this forum we have a spose section too, so shae may speak with others who are/were scared too.

Its your time to shine Bob, your time. Dont let anyone shadow your joy. I know peoples who marriages went to pot after surgery and I know others that got more wonderful. I wish you nothing but wonderfulness, you can do this and we are right behind.

BobF4 · 06-01-2008, 06:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bridgetgirl

Hi Bob,

The surgery is a decision of wellness. Does youre wife know that if you continue on your current path that your lifestyle will kill you? That you may die pematurely of a heart attack?

What you have is a scare wife Bob. But, what you need to ask yourself is, the relationship you have today a solid one? Are you in love or is this relationship and/or conditional?
Many of us that are MO are in the habit of accepting less and eating more.

This surgery is about lifestyle changes. Its about putting you first, for once. What disturbs me about your report of the things sge said to you is, she attacked you? I dont understand why someone would pit down someone they love? Secondly, she is making your decision about her. Which is she something your probably used to and ware of.

This your time Bob, you need to dothis for you, so you can be the healthy, log living mnan, husband, father and provider you were meant to be. If you have someone in your life that isnt supportive,do what you can to include her. Let her know on this forum we have a spose section too, so shae may speak with others who are/were scared too.

Its your time to shine Bob, your time. Dont let anyone shadow your joy. I know peoples who marriages went to pot after surgery and I know others that got more wonderful. I wish you nothing but wonderfulness, you can do this and we are right behind.

Bridget,

Yeah, she is making it about her. She has told me that I like to make things all about me, in the first place. And, its not like I am starting this on my own. Our doctor (we have the same PCP) recommended it to me. And, she was in the room when he suggested it.

I suppose the main driving force behind me wanting to do the surgery is not the weight loss, but something that happened in my past. You see, my father passed away when he was a few weeks shy of his 49th birthday, due to a heart attack. I was 16 at the time. I tried to do CPR on him, since I had just taken it in school, but it did not work.

I do not want to end up putting myself into an early grave, as happened to him.

I am glad I have some positive influences! Everyone has been so nice and supportive here.

Bob

veroniquetalk · 06-01-2008, 08:12 AM

Hi Bob,
Do what you need to do for you. It's YOUR life - not hers - even if you are married. Try to include her in everything that you can. If she chooses not to take part then that is her choice not yours. The decision to have the surgery is YOUR decision. How she chooses to react to it is hers.

Claire-in-Texas · 06-01-2008, 11:19 AM

Bob, go to a second informational meeting that your wife is able to go to. It is critical that she go to a meeting.

I speak from experience. The informational meeting/seminar laid it out for my husband clearly, he saw the facts, the successes, the encouragement, the staff. It was critical to his being able to support me through this.

It's a journey, not a destination.

Now, almost 14 months post op, I STILL welcome my husband's support and understanding. We are traveling this journey together. And believe me, each stage of the journey brings different support needs.

Best regards,

bridgetgirl · 06-01-2008, 12:32 PM

Hey Bob,
I wanted to share a story with you. There is a gal (she visits sometimes) her husband threaten to leave her, he got an attorney and tried to stop her legally even. hey didnt get along at the time or shortly thereafter, but now their marriage is wonderful They are active together, care deeply for each other, respect each other and are affectionate in public. (That took some getting used to watchin')
But what my/our friend had on her hands was a husband who was afraid to lose her, be left a single dad of 2 teenage children, making a mortgag and lifestly payments all on his own. She had him attend meetings, I agree with Claire reschedule your informational seminar to a day that your wife can be there. Maybe you can get her to take a look here and see all that success that comes from WLS as well.

One more story:
I was about 10 years old when I witnessed my mother have a heart attack in our kitchen while talking on the phone with a friend. I was making a PB a Jelly sandwich. I remember this day vividly. My mom fell over, htting her head on our counter and landing inbetween our refrigerator and a counter. I freaked out, and I dont know how I did it, but I revived her. Maybe ot was the screaming and punding on her chest pleading her to wake up. My mom was only 30 at the time, also by this time my maternal grandmother had passed due to heart disease. I made my decision at 29 to have WLS for the very same reasons you are. I didnt not want to orphan my children due to something I could have control over. The dieting didnt work, I knew with all my heart WLS would.

People change their mind about things all the time. People get scared for us. Take this approach, even though this is something you have to do, let her know it is for her and the very good reasons behind it. Its all for her and your future together. Maybe she fears the change she needs to make within herself with regard to her lifestyle as well. people get comfortable with the status quo, change is hard. I wish you the best of luck pal.