New Group: "SURVIVORS" - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

Vim&Vigour · 05-23-2008, 05:49 PM

I have created a group called "Survivors"

"When our fat melts, our hurts show up even more in the thaw.
This group is for survivors of abuse: sexual/rape, alcohol/substance, emotional/physical. Often this trauma will have led us to develop a thick layer of "protective", yet destructive fat. Here we can unzip the fat suit and pour our hearts out..."

I hope you will feel comfortable there.
Warmest wishes,
Vim

bridgetgirl · 05-25-2008, 05:14 PM

This may be a tough one n stuff.....
I would say about 75% of us come from severly dysfuntional families here, but its a hard thing t fess up to, and talk with other people. Im a survivor, i will join your group. I dont know if I will post most pubically, but I do have alot of insight, knowledge and therapy behind me to hael me deal.

BabyNicole · 05-25-2008, 06:45 PM

Sounds wonderful. I'm actually one of those people who have never encountered that kind of abuse, though, thank GOD! Good for you for starting it.

Phoenixfire · 05-25-2008, 07:29 PM

It's a great idea, but I've only found a comfort level in posting to a group like that where it was private. Delphi forums had one a long time ago. Yahoo groups have them too. I wouldn't be comfortable using one that's so public, but I certainly would post in order to encourage others who would like to post and seek understanding.

lealphachienne · 05-25-2008, 08:45 PM

This thread will get buried on the others after a while.....unless John sets it up as a section. You can always add it to the groups list at top

As for me....I am open to share that I was sexually abused for many of my childhood and teen life. Started about 12, ended at 18...a string of events by several different abusers....

And I am blessed to say I am more than a survivor, I am a thriver. I had the wonderful experience to go back and meet the primary abuser to ask his forgiveness, to ask why, to ask was there more, to forgive him in person , to reconcile....and be at peace with that part of my life.

rappaport · 05-25-2008, 09:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lealphachienne

This thread will get buried on the others after a while.....unless John sets it up as a section. You can always add it to the groups list at top

As for me....I am open to share that I was sexually abused for many of my childhood and teen life. Started about 12, ended at 18...a string of events by several different abusers....

And I am blessed to say I am more than a survivor, I am a thriver. I had the wonderful experience to go back and meet the primary abuser to ask his forgiveness, to ask why, to ask was there more, to forgive him in person , to reconcile....and be at peace with that part of my life.

I never know what to say when I see a post like this, it's a subject that just tears at me, but I do want to say I find you incredibly brave to face your abuser and forgive him, and find your peace within. You're an amazing woman.

Vim&Vigour · 05-26-2008, 11:38 AM

Marie, You are wonderful! To be able to reconcile, padon and give the man/men a second chance. It is amazing what healing, protection and education can achieve!

I believe it only fair, if I post this thread, to share my story. Personal details are available to those who wish to contact me directly.

In a broad nutshell:

My father, immensely thrilled to have his longed-for daughter, bought my mother an old French farmhouse in the South of France to celebrate. This was 1957. Immediately next door was a well-respected, local flower farmer family with extensive land within reach of their home. Their son was 6 months younger than myself and we played everyday together during every holiday. We were the well-to-do Swedish foreigners who were respected and liked locally. Both sets of parents entrusted the children to each family's care and frequently brought the other child with on outings.
However, when I was 5 years old the neighbour started interfering with me sexually which escalated to rape when I was 15. My father had died a few years before and I did not return to our own house for a few years until my widowed mother and I decided to sell it because of the connotation, at which time I was raped again by him, a sexual pervert. He had become a pillar of the local society and nobody would have believed my mother or myself - foreign females...
I subsequently became engaged to be married to a wonderful man who sadly suffered clinically from a split sexual personality. His Jekyll and Hyde character led him to abusing and raping me and deploring his conduct. The stigma of his "sexual deviance" led him to suffer from being a "bad person" and eventually he died a broken, sorry, desperate man - no medical treatment seemed able to help him. He was only 41. His mother and I mourn him to this day. I will grant you that I feel "safer" knowing that both perpetrators are dead and buried, even though I had worked myself to heal beforehand.
My husband of 25 years is a wonderful soul, a good, kind, patient and nurturing individual who has given me time to heal and stretch beyond my fears.
Because I have climbed over the fence to the safe side, I feel privileged and thereby a moral duty to support and encourage other victims. I have been there, done that and KNOW what it means, therefore I am putting my own cards on the table. Yes, this is immensely private and not something I display entirely easily. I don't have it inscribed on my forehead and people who know me sometimes have a hard time being around me because they are unable to deal with me being "dirtied". Just because I am Swedish and blonde doesn't mean I am bad! (and convent educated at that! LOL!).
The overall experience has not contributed to making me feel stronger. It has instead given me excellent coping skills. I am still aware of the potential of danger...
I am happy, have adjusted well and feel good about myself...
Cheers!
Vim

lealphachienne · 05-26-2008, 07:02 PM

By facing the primary one, allowed me to reconcile with all. As a hospice nurse I have often heard many bedside confessions and regrets from perpetrators. I had to come to terms with my past hurts to be non-judgmental and provide the needed comfort to those that request it and need it.

I told my story to many during my years of abuse. It was always ignored...I was called a liar, a sinner, a slut, a prostitute to say such things. I even reported to the police...to no avail. I was outspoken and suffered in silence. I had multiple suicide attempts, I went down many dark paths to seek an end to the turmoil within. Since I am outspoken, that led to further disbelief of my struggles. I questioned God, life, society....challenged the norm, pushed back against conformity, explored the occult, several religions, was a 'cutter", excelled in school....and even got married to ease the pain, to find comfort from anyone.

Yet, as I reached out, I also withdrew....it was hard to be my friend during those years....I pushed EVERYONE away. I scared people, as I could be unpredictable, emotional, and simply frank. I wore my heart on my sleeve.....yes, broken many, many times. I did not hide my scars or self inflicted wounds.

I wrote a lot of poetry then, painted many paintings, when I look at them...it's hard for me to imagine the depths of pain I went through....even through my WLS, divorce, and everything else since those days, I haven't experienced such trauma as then.

To this day, I keep on speaking out. A new life was given to me, I have a cause to express. There is an underlying trauma to address when we deal with terminally ill children. The majority of children have been sexually abused (some 75% by statistics) Add to that, the child is either an orphan or abandoned as a result of the HIV/AIDS stigma and epidemic.

My life was rough, yet, I am much more blessed that was the worse of it. I have health, I have family, I have friends, I have education, a future. How many people can really see that for themselves?

momronda2k · 05-26-2008, 07:15 PM

This subject has brought up so much emotion I forgot I had. Marie, how in the world did you get the chance to confront your abuser? What did you say? How did you start that conversation? My father called me out of the blue about 5 years ago and said he was coming to CA to see me and bring my little sister that I had never met. One day he, I, my daughter and his daughter were at the beach. I had nothing to say to him, but it was at the tip of my tongue to ask why? I never did. I regret that. Since he left, I haven't heard one word from him. No call, no email. Heck, I don't even know if he is still alive. I think about my little sister every day. I want to reach out to her, but have no idea how. What if he doesn't abuse her. I feel I would be opening up a can of worms. This is such a hard subject.

Phoenixfire · 05-26-2008, 08:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by momronda2k

I think about my little sister every day. I want to reach out to her, but have no idea how. What if he doesn't abuse her. I feel I would be opening up a can of worms. This is such a hard subject.

Rhonda, I was in the same boat. I called the police in the jurisdiction where my stepsister lived and took action. It was a big step toward knowing I did something.

I also filed suit against my abuser. At one point I had to let it go, after my deposition, because I couldn't afford the attorneys' costs to pursue suit. But I said my piece in my deposition. It was a huge step in healing for me

I wouldn't tell you what to do Rhonda, but if it is within your power to take steps to protect your sister, I would do it.

Sometimes the only person who can open a can of worms is the person who has seen the evil wiggly worms firsthand.

There is a saying...all that is required for evil to triumph is for good men (or women!) to do nothing. Please hear this in the voice of a fellow thriver, okay?