"Why Can't I Hit Goal?!" - ThinnerTimes

brutherford · 04-13-2005, 06:46 PM

Irela asked me some very interesting questions in another post, and I responded but thought that I would re-post here so that no one who may be interested misses it:

We all need to be so much kinder to ourselves and not sweat the small stuff. I struggled with being frustrated while hitting plateaus over the 10 months that I lost 152 lbs. I beat myself up a few times, stress ate, stopped working out, blah blah blah... I thought about my behavior and my emotional duress over the scale not moving, talked to my therapist and friends, read a few books. Ultimately, the answer is this: Let It Go. I know that everyone is rolling their eyes and sighing right now, but it's the truth. Let It Go. Here's the reality:

I believe that the weight goals set by our doctors are by and large not accurate or attainable. Dr. Callery never set a weight goal for me - I don't know if it was a mistake or what, but I'm glad. I set my own goal of 165 - it was in the upper range of what was acceptable for my height, and I figured I had a large frame, so I would just see what that looked like. I think that if Dr. Callery, Kelly, or anyone else would have given me a random number it probably would have created a lot more emotional duress for me to attain it. What I know is that I look and feel good at 165 - could I go lower, yes. But I get to decide whether I want to do that or not. At this time, I choose not to. Bridget is an excellent example of how far off your "goal" can be - according to Dr. Callery, she should have lost another 20-30 lbs. Anyone who has seen that girl in person knows that she doesn't have it to lose. I really, really, really encourage you all to not be married to the number - see how you feel, really take a hard look at whether you're just driving yourself to an unattainable (and unhealthy in my opinion) goal, and then relax for a few weeks and see if it works.
I've bounced between 160 and 180 since hitting my goal. 160 came when I got bronchitis and just couldn't eat. I hit 180 last week after the stress of the appeals. Did I freak when I saw the scale at 180? Yes. I spent a few random minutes throughout that day beating myself up for screwing up. However, I told myself that I knew how to get back down, and that there were legitimate reasons why I was up there. I started the pill about a month ago, I was stress eating, and my work schedule was too insane to work out. Those aren't excuses, they are reality. I knew that I would get back on track as soon as possible, and have - I shopped healthy this weekend, started working out again on Monday, and I'm already down to 175.
ALL WOMEN YO YO WITH THEIR WEIGHT WITHIN 10 LBS. ALL WOMEN. We need to understand that this is normal and stop the scale addiction that we have cultivated during our weight loss. I stopped weighing myself weekly when I hit my goal. The only time I weigh myself is when I'm feeling curious, so it's been 3 or 4 times since February 13th. Women have hormones, cycles, bloating, water retention, and as Kelly is fond of saying, sometimes a bowel movement can mean the difference of 5 lbs.
We didn't have surgery to be tortured for the rest of our lives about numbers. We had surgery to save our lives, be healthy, and finally enjoy life. If you are doing those three things, then what the hell does it matter what the scale says? Not that I advocate a complete disregard for monitoring your weight - the vast majority of us need to check in because we have issues that could come up and eventually land us back in morbidly obese territory if we're not careful. The one thing that I am determined NOT to do is become obsessed about my weight - I spent the last 20 years being obsessed, I refuse to do that any longer. I am mindful, make sure that I am honest with myself about my behaviors, and am content to know my weight by how my clothes fit. That's good enough for me.

I truly believe that all of these things are tied to mental health. One of my issues that I believe many of us share is the driving urge to be incredibly hard on myself. Ask yourself - are you just substituting an obsession with not being able to attain this number for the old obsession of hating yourself because you were fat? Do you really want to spend the rest of your days obsessing over every thing you eat, every pound, every negative comment (both from others and from yourself)? Aren't you exhausted from all of the self-punishment? Spend some time thinking about those things. If you are continuing to struggle emotionally then I would highly recommend some sort of therapy - Overeaters Anonymous has worked for many on this board and is free, a good place to start if you can't afford to go to a therapist. I have an excellent therapist who I've been seeing for almost three years and would be happy to recommend her to you.

A final thought - just because I say all these things and so many of you think that I know what the heck's going on doesn't mean that I'm free of self-doubt and self-punishment. I struggle with it regularly. But the difference is that I used to struggle with my own negative self-thoughts on a daily, often hourly basis - now, things come up maybe once a week. It's taken me years to train myself out of the self-destructive. I have to be patient with myself regularly, talk myself down from anxiety attacks, rationalize with myself when I'm feeling vulnerable and afraid... It's okay though. Life is never going to be perfect, and every time I start to struggle, it gets easier and quicker to just take a step back and remind myself: It's all going to be okay. It's okay to Let It Go. I've survived much worse than this in my life.

Love you guys, B

LizardQueen · 04-13-2005, 06:51 PM

I agree with you! My docs goal is 120-125 lbs. I have been that thin before and at 5'4" (for me) that is tooo thin. I have weighed that before and I looked and felt like crap. be happy with yourself and at a weight you feel comfortable and healthy at! great Post!

JennaM · 04-13-2005, 08:28 PM

Barbara,
I just had to tell you that I love reading your posts, you have a great skill in expressing yourself through writing. I admire you alot. I think we share some of the same experiences, I'm a survivor too. I'm nowhere near where you are in your journey. I have alot of work to do. I'm starting individual therapy again next week. I always seem to drop out when it gets too painful.
Anyways, you should write a book someday, you are so gifted and articulate. I'd be first in line to buy it. Hope to see you again soon.

TabFox · 04-13-2005, 09:39 PM

Thank you for the kick in the pants! I needed it! I'm obsessed with the scale, and I'm driving my husband nuts. I'm almost 11 months out and have dropped 140 lbs. I'm currently at 181 and I know I have about 15 lbs. of skin hanging around. I can wear a size 8-10, so why am I obsessed about weighing less? I have no idea. The scale hasn't moved in about a month or so. Maybe my body is finished losing? My doctor didn't give me a goal either, other than to say "around 180-190 would be good for you." She doesn't go by charts. She said they're unrealistic, especially for someone who has been morbidly obese, and by giving me a specific goal I would drive myself nuts trying to reach a certain number which might not be able to be reached.

Blueyz · 04-13-2005, 09:47 PM

Barb~
As usual, you post a great post when I really need it. Being 2 pounds away from Dr. Callery's weight recommendation, I still think to myself..."is this the right weight for me?" When he told me 125 was my target, I thought he was crazy...I just couldn't imagine being 125. I still don't think I look like I weigh close to this amount. Why is it that I think it is not GOOD enough? I remember being 110 pounds back in my anorexic days and I know that was a very bad time in my life. I just don't want to go back there, but I sure don't want to go up. I am comfortable right now where I am and I guess that is all that matters.

watergirl · 04-14-2005, 05:03 AM

You are so articulate with your thoughts! I admire you so much. I always learn or you trigger thoughts that provoke further thought. I just love your input/you!

You're so right about the number. When I had my 6 month appointment at 7 months post op, Kelly said, "would you consider your weight loss successful?" I said, "absolutely, I could stop right here, which was 6 pounds ago, and be completely happy. All my co-morbidities are a distant memory and my blood work is the picture of health. I feel better than I have in about 10 years. I am happy. Yes, I would consider my weight loss successful." She said, "okay, good, because based on your progress, I see you only loosing about 15 to 20 more pounds." It's all good from here on out. I just hope I keep feeling this way. I know from past experience, I have not felt comfortable being a size 4-6. I still thought I was fat.

God bless you Barb!

brutherford · 04-14-2005, 04:31 PM

LizardQueen (sorry, I don't know your name!), Jenna, Tabitha, Dale, and Kim:

I'm so glad that you all got something out of this! All of us have very legitimate reasons of why we were obese and one of the more common ones that I have seen is our low-levels of self confidence. Well, as we have all heard a million times, they did surgery on our stomachs, not our heads - so we have to take the extra steps to bring our self confidence levels to some kind of healthy state. It's self confidence and trusting in your own instincts to be able to say, "This is where I feel comfortable. This weight is good for me, even if it's just for right now." We don't trust ourselves, which is why we drive ourselves to attain these numbers which are nothing better than an educated guess - like us, our doctors have no idea what we're going to look and feel like after losing over 100 lbs. We need to take charge of our own health and well being and decide when it is that we are ready to be done.

That said, there's one thing that I forgot to mention, and it's a doozy:

I believe with all my heart that you will naturally fall into the weight in which you are emotionally comfortable. What I mean is that if you have anxiety, stress, or other negative emotions about your weight, you probably won't go any lower until those issues are resolved. Years ago, when I started therapy, I knew that I was never going to have long-term success with weight loss until I felt comfortable and safe being thinner. I worked for years on those emotional scars, and it took 6 months of additional therapy after getting approval for the surgery for me to finally feel confident enough in my emotional health to decide to have GBP. I didn't want to have surgery unless I was 100% sure that I would never gain the weight back. Once I became sure that I could do it and not self-sabotage months or years later, then I knew I could have the surgery.

EVERY SINGLE ONE of my several plateaus over the 10 months of weight loss were due to emotional issues. Nothing traumatic - I simply got to a point where I either got too much attention, felt insecure or vulnerable, or was otherwise uncomfortable. After I realized that slowing the loss was my way of stalling and trying to find my comfort zone in my new size, I stopped stressing about the plateaus and just non-judgementally watched myself through them. I never got too crazy, no binges or harmful behavior, just consumed more calories than usual. After a few weeks of that (usually after the attention from others subsided), I would just naturally get back into the weight loss flow and start eating fewer calories and exercising more. It was completely unconscious - I didn't plan or slave-drive myself into it... I just did it because I was ready to do it. I know all to well that beating myself up over what I am not doing perfectly is not productive - it feeds into a vicious cycle that can easily turn into depression. If you're frustrated, angry, or bordering on depression about your weight loss, YOU REALLY NEED TO JUST BACK THE "F" OFF OF YOURSELF. I cannot stress that enough - being kind and understanding with yourself will get you to your goals much faster.

So, if you're sitting out there reading this, wanting desperately to convince yourself that you're just done losing weight, but knowing deep down that you still have a few pounds to go, STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP. Start thinking about what it is that makes you feel comfortable at your current weight. GENTLY think about what it is that you fear about losing more - don't wrack your brains and turn it into ANOTHER thing to feel bad about. Just consider, gently wander through your thoughts, maybe make a list of what you discover if that works for you... Spend some time in it. If anyone wants to go deeper, I have a few book recommendations for you - just private message me.

I love you all very much... Smooches, B

lealphachienne · 04-14-2005, 04:38 PM

I didn't get a preset goal from Dr. Potts either. I just came up with a number from when I was previously thin at 20. I also look at my fat percentage. I'm at 25%. I would like to be nearer 20%. I was at 18% in high school when I was really active and lifted lots of weight. As fat weighs differently in muscle, the total weight number isn't as important. Plus, there's still a few pounds of loose skin that won't be going away. Here's a link to fat percentages...

http://www.healthchecksystems.com/bodyfat.htm

Mr AOR · 04-14-2005, 06:53 PM

Well...

That's gotta be one of my top 10 favorite posts of all time! You are very gifted and eloquent when it comes to expressing yourself, and more than that, your insights are incredibly sharp.

You're a wonderful balance of somebody who really has it together and has great suggestions and recommendations, while at the same time, you're very human with the obstacles and ongoing emotional maintenance that you continue to struggle with.

Every time I read one of your posts, I find myself smiling, because you put so much of yourself into your writing. I admire that...almost as much as I admire the amount of work you've put into your emotional well-being, not to mention the obvious physical transformation!

I also have to admit that everytime I read one of your posts, I get a step closer to seeking some therapy. I did it a few years ago, and it was moderately helpful. I also did it a few times right after surgery, but I think I owe it to myself and the people in my life to "fix" the inner me.

Thanks!

brutherford · 04-14-2005, 07:48 PM

Oh, Mike! Your post is exactly why I hang out all my "dirty laundry" on the board... So many of us are going through the same thing, have similar backgrounds and experiences, and process all of these things in similar fashions. What's the old adage? "Look at the similarities, not the differences."

Sharing makes me feel better - it's a form of therapy for me and helps me to validate my own emotions and instincts. However, the true reward is when the information is helpful to others. I very firmly believe that if we figure out something important in life that we have a duty to share it with others. It's scary to share, scary to open yourself up and be vulnerable, but the more that I do it, the more that I get responses like yours and know that I did the right thing. Thank you so much for your post - it made my day!

FYI to all - this is scary for me, but I'm "coming out of the closet" and admitting that I have started to write a book. A great friend of mine has been encouraging me for months to save all of these posts and my e-mails to her so that they can be the basis for chapters in a book. I don't yet know what kind of book it will be, or whether it will be one book or several - I'm tempted to fictionalize part of my life story and write it as a book of fiction so that I don't have to deal with the aftermath of my family finding out and totally freaking out about me sharing things they would rather not admit to. Then, I get momentarily brave, and think that it should be all out in the open, a work of non-fiction, and that feels so liberating and right. I don't know, we'll just have to see.

It's scary for me to put this out there because I think how absolutely presumptious of me to think that I can write a book... Who the hell do I think I am? Then, I pause... and think.... "Yeah, who the hell do I think I am? I think I'm whatever the hell I want to be."