Broken home created a unlovable person - ThinnerTimes

Bmuscial · 03-27-2008, 09:14 AM

As you all know i have had many problems with my marriage and with my health. Well i don't know if i've ever said anything but i was the oldest child in an extremely broken home ( drugs, wild parties,alcohol, verbal and physical abuse). So being the oldest i protected my brothers and sisters at all cost. I also shut myself down and only associated myself with men who i didn't love. So last night both of my boys were cuddled up in my bed and we were watching a movie and my oldest whispered in my ear "mommy u are my heart". He kissed me on the check and went back to watching my movie. It was at that point that i realized that i am loved by my children ,so i must be capable of love. I know this sounds stupid but i just realized that i have been incapable of love for a very long time. The point to this diatribe is i find myself wondering if i would every fall in love with a man. Alot of the abuse i endured was from stepfathers and boyfriends. I also had a father who was absent because of a heroine addiction. Oh and the nearest and dearest to my heart ( my grandmother) told me she thought i should look into the fact that i could be gay.l She thinks that i am too strong and independent to every have a loving relationship with a man. I have to admit a few years ago i did switch hit but never tried a relationship., My husband now is very submissive and never approaches me for any kind of physical relationship. So i am comfortable here. I have no idea what i am talking about any more.l I tried to tell my dog but he's not much help. Any advice would be great or none would be fine i just needed to put this down on paper. Sorry

Zenomia · 03-27-2008, 09:27 AM

One thing you can ALWAYS count on Kasey...THE unconditional LOVE of your Children!! Through them, no one is incapable of loving or being loved!!

txchick1971 · 03-27-2008, 09:35 AM

okay i am going to take a stab at this only because you said a few things that i relate to.

I was an only child until I was 18.....my mom was a big partier as i was growing up so i've seen my share of party atmoshpere. I was married and pregnant by the time i was just barely 20 and stayed married for 12yrs but was never happy. He did give me two beautiful children and allow myself to build my own career. I have been divorced for 4 years now and have not had one serious relationship. Actually I think that i have that 'independant karma' that you were talking about. I tend to be attracted to the very timid and reserved guys. If they are louder than me, it's a no in my book. I hate that it's like that but I feel more in control that way. Over the past couple of years I've been trying to open my box and expand my choices. It's hard when they're not really falling at my door step ya know? I own my home, I have a 100k income, i pay my bills, and i'm a very lovable person. Sometimes I wonder if I'm lovable and what is it that I'm missing. My mom used to yell at me a lot growing up and now I find myself yelling at my kids often. I have to stop myself and say "hey, what am i doing". Those babies love me I know that for sure....omg, i just realized that your post sent me into the same rambling you did....hee,hee,hee.

coptergirl · 03-27-2008, 06:17 PM

Kasey - ((HUGS)). Your precious kids are all that count. In all your threads you mention your kids with such a tenderness - you ARE capable of love. I know you would step in front of a train for them. That kiss and whisper brought tears to my eyes - they love you right back because you first loved them...and they know it and feel secure in it. How wonderful for them to have a gift in their lives that you were sadly, lacking in yours.

I tell my dogs stuff too. They are great listeners, but I always wish they could talk - one would be wise, and the other a spaz. I am glad you came here to let it all hang out love - thats what us family peeps are for

PM me if you want to talk some more, okay?

veroniquetalk · 03-27-2008, 07:08 PM

Kasey - I sometimes wonder if I am capable of loving a man. I am not gay - just never sure what I feel for a man is love. Now, kids, grandbabies and good friends - those ones I am sure I love! So, I understand a lot of what you are saying.

Vim&Vigour · 03-28-2008, 03:35 AM

BMusical, Zen, Chick, Veronique - and you too Whitney

what strikes me is that there is the element of NOT trusting, in the first instance, MEN! I think that you are all capable and able to love, but because of the despicable and detrimental behaviour of MEN in your past, you are shutting down FEELINGS altogether for fear of becoming even more hurt, thereby even shutting out fealings of PLEASURE, such as affection and even love.

This is a very normal reaction for self-preservation. By writing on this very Forum, by expressing your innermost anxieties, "feeling bad/dirty/broken", you have been able to process those subjects this far. You are a scalded cat - how can you TRUST that you will not get burned again?

Talk to your dogs, pets. They obviously don't understand your words, but they are sensitive to your tone of voice. Become closer to them, give them a one to one attention. They are "innocent" and will not answer back, nor will they betray your confidence. Practice on them (even cats). They will reward you with a wag of the tail... If you have no pets, talk to your mirror. When you get up in the morning, smile to yourself in the mirror - it is so nice to have a smiley face greet you in return!.

Freshen up on your manners - "manners maketh man". Reinforcing the please may I have... thank you, improves the feelgood factor. It also engenders respect and apprciation. If you need your kids to lay the table, add your heartfelt please and remember to add your heartfelt thank you. Small steps lead to longer roads.

Kasey, apply the please and thank yous to your husband. Sit and watch television holding hands. Only holding hands. He too needs to feel included, even if he has "accepted" being "submissive". Gradually you can move on to bigger/better things, in your own time, as and when YOU wish. It will certainly reinforce you as a couple, make him more "loveable" and be a further good example and REASSURANCE to your kids. Kiss them goodnight when you tuck them in, one at a time.

Dress for YOURSELF. Buy nice underwear for YOURSELF. If it happens to please husband/kids/friends/colleagues, great - but you do it for YOURSELF. There is no guilt in that!

Best wishes and keep posting - downs and ups - we are all here to hear!

Cheers,
Vim

lward76 · 03-28-2008, 06:17 AM

The one I know who truely loves me is my son. And he is the only man in my life that i know for sure that I love. He is my life and what i live for. I have been with my husband since highschool, and I know i love him and he's been here for me, but I question myself if im still inlove? make since? Or if we just live together because of our son. Time will tell. thanks for this post.

porshh951 · 03-28-2008, 06:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vim&Vigour

BMusical, Zen, Chick, Veronique - and you too Whitney

what strikes me is that there is the element of NOT trusting, in the first instance, MEN! I think that you are all capable and able to love, but because of the despicable and detrimental behaviour of MEN in your past, you are shutting down FEELINGS altogether for fear of becoming even more hurt, thereby even shutting out fealings of PLEASURE, such as affection and even love.

This is a very normal reaction for self-preservation. By writing on this very Forum, by expressing your innermost anxieties, "feeling bad/dirty/broken", you have been able to process those subjects this far. You are a scalded cat - how can you TRUST that you will not get burned again?

Talk to your dogs, pets. They obviously don't understand your words, but they are sensitive to your tone of voice. Become closer to them, give them a one to one attention. They are "innocent" and will not answer back, nor will they betray your confidence. Practice on them (even cats). They will reward you with a wag of the tail... If you have no pets, talk to your mirror. When you get up in the morning, smile to yourself in the mirror - it is so nice to have a smiley face greet you in return!.

Freshen up on your manners - "manners maketh man". Reinforcing the please may I have... thank you, improves the feelgood factor. It also engenders respect and apprciation. If you need your kids to lay the table, add your heartfelt please and remember to add your heartfelt thank you. Small steps lead to longer roads.

Kasey, apply the please and thank yous to your husband. Sit and watch television holding hands. Only holding hands. He too needs to feel included, even if he has "accepted" being "submissive". Gradually you can move on to bigger/better things, in your own time, as and when YOU wish. It will certainly reinforce you as a couple, make him more "loveable" and be a further good example and REASSURANCE to your kids. Kiss them goodnight when you tuck them in, one at a time.

Dress for YOURSELF. Buy nice underwear for YOURSELF. If it happens to please husband/kids/friends/colleagues, great - but you do it for YOURSELF. There is no guilt in that!

Best wishes and keep posting - downs and ups - we are all here to hear!

Cheers,
Vim

I wanted to quote this. Its some of the best advice i've read on this board. All very true and very important.

You must trust to respect to love to admire.

bridgetgirl · 03-29-2008, 07:40 AM

I would suspect about 85% of people on the board would say they came from a "broken home" or "dysfunctional family". What WE have to do is accept that our parents were the best parents they could be. You may have been dealt a crappy hand as a child, but our parents did the best that they KNEW how. Thats the first step in recovery, accepting this.

Secondly you must love yourself. If you dont love you or the person you are or the things you do, why would anyone else? Ask yourself if you like the person you are, if not you must work on loving yourself first.

Figuring out why you attract the wrong partner:
Write a list about the things you remember about your father or the male presence that assisted in raising you. Be very honest a detailed. What were his physical characteristincs? tall? Short? Thin, large? Handsome, or not or average? Next, list the things that he did. The things you remember. Was he the bill payer? What was his role in the household dynamic? What was his fatherly role? Did he play with you? What were the things he did for you?

Next make a list of your first love. Recalling the same as above. Next list your current partner or last ex. You will see a direct coralation in traits. You should see a patern. If you want something different from a partner, you will have to find the opposite things from the lists. Maybe you will see a pattern in your behavior with males that shows you enable destructive behavior.

The only thing you can change is YOU. You have the power of CHOICE. Be the change you want to see in your life. If you want to be loved, give love and be loving. If you want compliments, give compliments. If you want to attract a certain type of partner, become that person. By becoming that person I mean change your usual ways of meeting people. Instead of bars or wherever you may meet people, try professional match making like, Its just lunch, try anything just dont switch phone numbers with anyone you meet in a bar, or night club. Maybe happy hours in an area of town that anyone you ever dated before wouldnt be caught dead at.

Give it a try, and see if you have a revelation. I speak from experience, although now I have chose to not be in a relationship. Im still not the person I want to be, Im a work in progress, when Im satisfied with who I am and I feel like Im a fabulous catch for someone, then I will open up to the opportunity to invite someone else in. For now, its me, God and my children. im in no hurry to get into a relationship, I dont date. I am in a hurry to becoming freaking fabulous though! Best wishes to you and anyone else who is suffering right along silently.