Cautionary Tale - ThinnerTimes

brutherford · 04-11-2005, 06:27 PM

I'm the Student Appeals Chairperson at work. Students come to me when they're unhappy with just about anything - grades, tuition, etc. One particularly fun part of this job are the Academic Appeals - students who are terminated due to low GPA or other issues have to come to me and file an appeal to see if they can come back to school. Most students are approved, some are not. The two first weeks of every school quarter are spent processing 40+ student appeals - 30 minute appointments, back to back, days on end of sob stories and drama. Fortunately, I have a Committee that helps me with Academic Appeals, so I don't have to do it all alone.

Last Friday, our last appeal of the day was a student named Alex – my first look at him told me something was wrong, but I wasn’t sure what. He came into the meeting room for his appeal and was very scattered, argumentative, and generally scary. We excuse the students for a few minutes while we make our decision as to whether they will be approved to come back to school, and during that time two of my committee members concurred that he was definitely mentally ill, probably schizophrenic. The committee denied his appeal, and I stalled on bringing him back in because I had a gut feeling that he was not going to take it well. I brought him back in and told him in front of the group that his appeal was denied. He totally shut down physically, and when I started to ask if he had any questions, he just barked, “start the paperwork.” So, I did the usual of having him sign the document, then led him out into the waiting area so that I could make a copy for him. I returned with his copy, handed it to him, and backed off a step because he was freaking me out. I asked, “So do you have any questions?” and before I could finish that sentence, he lunged out of his seat at me. Fortunately, I was far enough away that he didn’t lay a hand on me, but no one else was around and I just said, “You need to leave now.” He got nervous and said, “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to take it out on you,” and I told him again that he needed to leave immediately. Fortunately, the school counselor (who's a part of my Committee) was also nervous about him and while I was making the copy, she had gone down and asked Security to come up in case there was any trouble. They met him as he was bolting down the stairs and escorted him out the building.

I was in shock on Friday, not sure how to process what had happened, but knew that I should go home. Everyone (including my boss) agreed that I should go home, so I went and made myself a stiff drink. Matt had not been feeling well the past couple of days, so wasn’t at work that day, and I called him when I got home. I found out that he had strep throat and we talked about what had happened during my day. That’s when I started to process the fact that I was traumatized by what had happened – maybe someone who hadn’t ever been assaulted wouldn’t feel the way that I did, but… I’ve been raped twice and was beat down regularly as a kid by crazy people (my step-fathers), so it definitely affected me. I got nice and liquored up, thought about watching a sad movie so that I could cry and purge everything, but just ended up going to bed early. The next morning, I treated myself to some marathon shopping and then went to Encinitas to get some love from my sick boyfriend. I continued to do the self-care throughout the weekend and finally came home about 5:30 Sunday evening and immediately started thinking about Friday again. It replayed over and over and I slowly realized that I was really traumatized by what had happened. I have been stress-eating for the last two weeks because of the stress of the appeals and have gained 5 lbs. I settled in at home on Sunday night, eating and watching mindless tv, when it dawned on me that Alex probably wouldn’t have lunged at me at my old weight of 327. It then occurred to me that I’m still traumatized because I feel truly vulnerable for the first time in over 20 years. I’m scared, and I haven’t been scared like this since I lived at home with my abusive step-father. The memories that these emotions bring up for me are horrible, and I spent Sunday night trying to sort through them and not avoid or numb them in any way. Even with a new bottle of vodka in the freezer, I didn’t hit the booze, cigarettes, or chocolate, and finally was exhausted enough to go to bed at 11.

That evening, I formulated a plan – if I felt vulnerable, then I needed to do whatever was necessary to not feel that way. I needed to take my new lifestyle, the variety of tools that I’ve learned over the years, and my new body and find a healthy and productive way to ease my own pain. I woke up early Monday morning, cleaned my house, did 20 minutes of yoga stretching, and went to the gym where I started off with the best run that I’ve had in months. I didn’t go far, just a mile, but it was easy, my gait was bouncy, and I felt fantastic, didn’t even breathe heavy. I did the weight training and stretches recommended by my new book, Fit to Surf: The Surfer's Guide to Strength and Conditioning. I then went to the tanning salon and to the grocery store, where I bought tons of fresh fruit and vegetables. I came home, chopped up all my fruit and veggies so that I could have easy access to them and freeze them if I didn’t eat it all in time, and then made myself a small steak and salad for lunch. I packed healthy food for dinners during the week to bring to work, put on my new flirty skirt that I bought on Saturday morning’s spree, and went to work.

Getting to work was another story – first thing through the door was a line of staff and students with questions about appeals. 15 minutes after I got there, I had a meeting in the same room where Alex’s appeal was on Friday. People who were concerned about what had happened were asking me all afternoon how I was, and this only reminded me of what had happened. I drank my water, ate my fruit, but also put down a half package of Starbursts… definitely not in my plan today, but also not the end of the world.

I know this is a long story, but I hope that you can all see my point. There were reasons that we were obese, and those reasons don’t go away when the pounds come off. I was abruptly reminded on Friday that one of the main reasons I was obese was because I wanted to put as many pounds as I could between myself and anyone who might think of assaulting me. Sure, obese people are assaulted all the time – but it worked for me for many years, and I did not experienced the same fear and vulnerability the entire time that I was obese. Being back in that place is absolutely horrifying, and I can either numb it with food, alcohol, drugs, etc., or I can find a way through it. I’m finally signing up for that self-defense class that I’ve always said I was going to take. I refuse to be a victim, I refuse to feel sorry for myself, and I absolutely refuse to be obese again. Thank you, Alex, for reminding me of what I've worked so hard for - mental, emotional, and physical health, no matter how scary it is.

Let this be another cautionary tale of how you can sabotage yourself after reaching your weight loss goals. I have no doubt that if I hadn’t done 4 years of therapy, read dozens of self-help books, and really worked on my issues, that I could have easily lapsed into self-destructive behaviors after Friday’s incident, and who knows?

Life is scary and hard, and bad things sometimes happen to good people. It’s what we do after those bad things happen that makes us who we are. I’m not perfect – I’m sure I’ll continue to drink and smoke and eat poorly from time to time. Hell, maybe I’ll yo-yo on that 5 lbs from now until the end of time… that’s all okay. I’m aware and honest with myself and continuing to work… progress, not perfection.

Blueyz · 04-11-2005, 07:17 PM

Barb~
As usual...very nice true story...I learn so much from you.

Sending big hugs your way....or may I rephrase that "little" hugs...

katlover66 · 04-11-2005, 07:24 PM

Barbara,
I am so glad you are o.k. I think all the loons were out on Friday. I took my 4 yr. old to the Padre game. My husband didn't go this time. Luckily I had parked on the corner of 16th and K in front of the liquor store where it is well lit. I decided after a stressfull week and a crappy ballgame it was time to leave in the bottom of the 7th. I got right in front of tail gate park and it started to down pour. I grabbed my daughters hand and started to walk fast.(couldn't have done that 16 months ago) As I passed the bus terminal I saw a man to my left. I walked past him briskly and told my daughter to walk faster. I heard him turn and start to follow us. I picked up the pace and whispered to my daughter to hurry to the car and lock the door before she gets in her car seat. I pushed her in the car loudly reminding her to lock the door. As I got in I threw the lock and reached to lock the other door when I saw him by my car. There were people leaving the store who heard me yell "Lock the Door" so he took of without incident.
The new me can move faster and easier. This is a realization I have recently came too. However I too poured a stiff one when I got home.\
Just remember the new you can do alot more than the old you.
Talk to a counselor if you are still traumatized. I would definately call somebody just to talk about it.

Dara · 04-11-2005, 07:35 PM

Barb:

First of all, it's wonderful to see a post from you again. I've missed you.

Secondly, your post scared the hell out of me. I'm sooooo with you on this issue. Feeling vulnerable or weak on any level is NOT good with me. I don't know what I would do if someone physically attacked me at my present weight. In all likelihood, I would not have had the control or retrospect that you had. Hell, as I was reading your post, I started freaking out! I'm so impressed with the way you logically worked through your reaction. Wow. I don't think I'm prepared to do that and that saddens me. Gosh, we're still cripples, aren't we?

The good news is that I've made an appointment with my psychiatrist for a checkup. I know that I need it right now. It's getting really hard to suppress those old habits...even without a traumatic event like yours.

Geez.

People of the world, please remember that what you do to your children today will affect them the rest of their lives. (I know I'm preaching to the choir here, but I'm so frustrated.) Where are the boundaries in the world?! What happened to integrity and respect? We are the result of society's failure to enforce boundaries and integrity in our parents/caretakers. How sad is that?

Barb, much love to you, sweetie. I'm so proud of you. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for this post.

Americanwoman397 · 04-11-2005, 07:39 PM

B

Like Dale said I learn so much from you. Thanks for the story because that is something I haven't really dealt with. It is really going to make me take a step back and look at it all. You are a wonderful and smart woman. I'm so glad you are ok. Love ya and remember we are here for you.

lealphachienne · 04-11-2005, 08:41 PM

Unfortunately, being thinner makes us targets for the crazies out there who no longer feel threatened by our size. I think about my personal safety all the time, even when I'm just out in front of my home. I make home visits, the majority of visits occur in not so safe neighborhoods. Always be aware of your enviroment and always have a plan for escape. Perhaps it's a bit paranoid, but I've been assaulted too many times also. As I learned to prepare myself for danger, I was able to survive attacks without injury. Learn to trust your instincts and not ignore the hairs on the back of your neck rising.

brutherford · 04-11-2005, 10:44 PM

It felt good to get that one off my chest

However, I'm still suffering the ramifications from it - one moment I'm fine, the next I'm not. I know that it will take me a few days and I have a therapy appointment coming up soon, so that will help too. What I go back and forth with is victim vs. survivor - one moment I'm feeling vulnerable and scared, the next I'm feeling, "where is that guy... so I can kick his A$$!!" I guess I should be proud that I'm struggling with these emotions, rather than just kicking into victim mode and eating my way back up the charts.

Dale - thanks, babe!

Kat - it's definitely more scary now, huh? Good thing that you were able to scare him off... and move faster.

Dara - I know I've been MIA for awhile... no computer at home, too busy to post here from the job, and every other space is occupied by new love

I'm so glad that you got everything I intended out of that post. What happened on Friday was my biggest fear about losing weight - that the wrong person would notice me and try to "get me." Well, in my stronger moments, I realize that he tried, I paid attention to my instincts enough to be out of grabbing distance, and the incident didn't go near as bad as it could have. Actually, if I follow my panic-stricken logic it leads me in a pretty funny direction: what did he think he was going to do with me once he got me? One yell and there would have been 20 people running at him; he was "armed" with nothing but a manila envelope; we were about the same height and weight; blah blah blah. I could have taken that little nutball DOWN! Okay, now I feel better! Here, Dara, you try it - this is a little exercise that my therapist taught me years ago. I used to panic when someone noticed me (either gave me the hairy eyeball or made some kind of sexist comment) - she asked me to really sit and think about the panic that I was feeling, to examine it and try to figure out what it was. I soon realized that most of my "panic" was me beating myself up - when a guy checked me out, I instantly called myself whore, slut, blah blah blah, and berated myself for deserving the unwanted attention. I mean, I must have done something to deserve it because guys don't just do stuff like that for no reason, right?!

Yeah, whatever. If I really examine the panic that I felt on Friday and since then, it all revolves around me berating myself for being weak and unable to defend myself - well, dammit, I'm a big girl, and sure someone could probably hurt me, but I certainly will make them wish they hadn't

I love ya, Dara... Smooches, B

Tonya - love right back atcha, babe!

Marie - you hit the nail on the head. I often have such a low opinion of myself that when the hairs start sticking up, I just tell myself that I'm being a wuss, or that I'm too sensitive, blah blah blah However, Friday was really good for me in terms of knowing that my instincts are right... I'm definitely going to start paying closer attention to all of that now.

Thank you ladies for your support - you are the best!

Butterfly · 04-11-2005, 10:54 PM

You go Girl! You are such an inspiration to us all Barb! Thank you for putting yourself out there for us to read about your incident. I'm sorry that you had to go through that to get to what you are doing now. Sometimes I have to remind myself that things happen for a reason. You have taught us all quite a bit Sweetie. Thank you again!

watergirl · 04-12-2005, 08:07 AM

Wow, Girl you have such a great way of processing information! You have done great work on yourself to have identified the problem and most importantly approached the solution with a healthy response. I am so dang proud of you. It's so easy to just fall back to our past comforts, that's the easy way out. You instead tackled this head on - No Fear approach.

Trust in that voice you hear!

Sending big ((((((HUGS)))))) Love ya!

triciaknox · 04-12-2005, 01:25 PM

Ya know, maybe I shouldn't say this, but I think it might be a good idea for all of us to learn self-defense. If we know how to defend ourselves we won't feel panicked and turn to food again, right?