Touchy subject...please be careful - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

Debz · 03-19-2008, 08:19 PM

Oh man, you guys. I have heavy heavy stuff on my mind. I just need to say first, that if you are a survivor of sexual trauma, this thread my be a trigger for you and now is the time to bail if you think that might be a problem. That being said...read at your own risk...cuz I sure am writing that way.

I have mentioned to you all before that I am a survivor. No gory details need to be discussed...but it was ugly and prolonged... lasted for much of my childhood and has shaped me as a human being. And I pretty much felt like I had it all under control. But...guess what??? I don't.

My recent discovery of lingering screwed-up-edness is most definetly related to my weight loss. As I get smaller, I become more attractive to the opposite sex and receive more attention from them. And I find that it's kind of scaring me.

I mean, I knew that the reason I became obese in the first place was to feel some control over how men responded to me. Fat girls don't get play, right? (Well, OK...I got some play, but in managable amounts...LOL). But I thought I had this whole thing done and in the bag. I'm 43...old enough to be the mistress of my own destiny. Mature enough to feel in control of how someone can treat me, right? Right? ????

I thought that I was past the point in my life that attention from men would be scary to me. I know how to say no...I know how to be in control...I know how to not get hurt. But apparently, I don't know how to be small. Why does this make me feel so powerless at at someone's mercy?

In any other area of my life, I am in control. I take shit from no one...I stand up for myself...I'm pretty much a force to be reckoned with. I am assertive and I certainly know how to channel my inner bitch and let her out when she can work for me. So where is this feeling of unsafety coming from?

Man...what a mind fuck. It just seems like molestation is the gift that keeps on giving. I know I need to go back to therapy, but DAMN! I swear, sometimes it seems like I've sent several therapists children through college. Do I ever get to be done? Do I ever get to be healed? Do I ever get to not be damaged goods? God damn it, this just sucks.

This surgery is the best thing that has happened to me, outside of my hunny and my kids, in FOREVER! I am healthy, I can move, I look good in my clothes...and god freakin' dammit....I can't just be happy about that. Even in my victory, my childhood is still right here in my face. It's tainting this wonderful thing that's happened to me and I AM PISSED!

Well...that's my temper tamtrum for the moment. There's more here that I need to say, but I just can't do it right now. Please help me sort this out...

If I've offended anyone with the subject or the language, I apologize. But honestly, There isn't any place else I can talk about this....

Thanks everyone.

Toony · 03-19-2008, 08:36 PM

deb... you have valid reasons for feeling the way you feel... I wish I could END it for you --- it's something you're going to have to do yourself... are you getting any help? There is lots out there hon... don't let your past cloud the rest of your life --- go for it!

HuGs!

Your friend katie

MiladyB · 03-19-2008, 08:44 PM

Deb, in the past you buried your feelings, anger and pain in food. It was your source of escape. But now that has been taken away from you. For possibly one of the first times in your life you have to allow yourself to actually "feel". It's no wonder your past is rearing its ugly head again. You may just have to actually allow yourself to "feel" it all in order to finally heal.

I've never walked in your shoes but I remember how LisaM talked about having to face her past after she lost her weight. If you ever want to talk to her let me know. I have her email.

Hang in there sweetie....try to look at this as a step towards healing because I honestly think it is.

Phoenixfire · 03-19-2008, 11:41 PM

Yes Deb, we will always have the scars from these injuries. Unzipping our fat suits means some of the scars are ripped open. When that happens we need to get treatment. If that means putting another therapist through college, then so be it. You'll get more out of it than the therapist's college degree. I'll tell you what you'll get, because I've done it and I hope I can articulate it here in writing.

When we keep the fat suit on as armor to protect us from attention from men, then we have a safety tool that keeps the feelings inside us locked away. When the fat suit comes off, guess what? The feelings are exposed. We're not "safe" anymore. We're not just tiny, we're naked without our fat suit. The nakedness stirs up all the feelings. Logically so! It's why so many of us don't ever unzip it. It's too scary.

You know what I say to that? YOU LET THE BASTARDS WIN IF YOU KEEP THAT FAT SUIT ON AND LET IT KILL YOU. They killed something precious inside us as little children. We'll never get all that back. BUT we CAN get something back: the power to unzip and heal.

I refused to the let the bastard win. I refused to let him keep me unhealthy in my "protective barrier" of fat. I refused to let him control my life any more than he already did. I refused to be defeated by something that was done TO me, and I refused to perpetuate his abuse by abusing myself.

It's scary shit. Yep. It's hard shit. Yep. But it's not impossible shit. We already survived the "impossible" and we're still here. And yeah it's unfuckingfair that you now have ANOTHER layer of shit to wade through that came from something that wasn't your fault. So now YOU are in control. YOU have a tool to gain more control over something you did to survive something that was done to you. THAT TOOL IS YOUR WEAPON TO WIN FOR YOURSELF. It's not about them anymore. It's about you. CHEERS to you for having the surgery. Your doctor only operated on your body. Now YOU have to operate on your mind, feelings, emotions, attitudes, fears, relationships, and all those other things that being fat were a part of.

It's not simple. Nobody told you that you'd have to do THIS surgery too did they? Well I didn't know, but I found out when I hit my goal. That's when the OTHER surgery started. And I can say this, because I've been there and I've done the work, that it's possible for you to do it too. I didn't get a magic "get out of the pain of sexual abuse and forever have no scars" card (they don't even make those, so we deal the cards we got right?)

So here's your card: You are now thin. You can stay thin. You are afraid to be thin. You are afraid to rehash and feel any of the pain you probably thought was all done, dealt with and put away for good, right? Well it's not. I'm sorry. It's like an onion that slowly is peeled. Layer by layer. And now you're working on one huge-ass layer. Your eyes will water and it will make you cry. Hell, scream if you want-it feels good-but do whatever it takes so you don't let the fucker win. He doesn't deserve it, and you know you don't want him to.

(and I don't mind the language a bit - can you tell -)
I find it quite liberating to be able to say what the fuck I want when I want to, and not feel like someone's going to spank me for being "bad". I'm a grown woman, and I've learned that everyone doesn't have to like what I say. But the people I love and respect are the ones that matter. I love and respect every survivor. Because I know the pain, the shame, the fall-out and the courage it takes to heal from the monstrosity of sexual abuse.

You have it. You just need to pull up your big girl panties and see a trusted therapist to help you work through this thickass layer of the onion. I'd expect nothing less from someone who has the balls to have WLS. (Um, that would be you dear)

Amandazon247 · 03-20-2008, 06:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phoenixfire

Yes Deb, we will always have the scars from these injuries. Unzipping our fat suits means some of the scars are ripped open. When that happens we need to get treatment. If that means putting another therapist through college, then so be it. You'll get more out of it than the therapist's college degree. I'll tell you what you'll get, because I've done it and I hope I can articulate it here in writing.

When we keep the fat suit on as armor to protect us from attention from men, then we have a safety tool that keeps the feelings inside us locked away. When the fat suit comes off, guess what? The feelings are exposed. We're not "safe" anymore. We're not just tiny, we're naked without our fat suit. The nakedness stirs up all the feelings. Logically so! It's why so many of us don't ever unzip it. It's too scary.

You know what I say to that? YOU LET THE BASTARDS WIN IF YOU KEEP THAT FAT SUIT ON AND LET IT KILL YOU. They killed something precious inside us as little children. We'll never get all that back. BUT we CAN get something back: the power to unzip and heal.

I refused to the let the bastard win. I refused to let him keep me unhealthy in my "protective barrier" of fat. I refused to let him control my life any more than he already did. I refused to be defeated by something that was done TO me, and I refused to perpetuate his abuse by abusing myself.

It's scary shit. Yep. It's hard shit. Yep. But it's not impossible shit. We already survived the "impossible" and we're still here. And yeah it's unfuckingfair that you now have ANOTHER layer of shit to wade through that came from something that wasn't your fault. So now YOU are in control. YOU have a tool to gain more control over something you did to survive something that was done to you. THAT TOOL IS YOUR WEAPON TO WIN FOR YOURSELF. It's not about them anymore. It's about you. CHEERS to you for having the surgery. Your doctor only operated on your body. Now YOU have to operate on your mind, feelings, emotions, attitudes, fears, relationships, and all those other things that being fat were a part of.

It's not simple. Nobody told you that you'd have to do THIS surgery too did they? Well I didn't know, but I found out when I hit my goal. That's when the OTHER surgery started. And I can say this, because I've been there and I've done the work, that it's possible for you to do it too. I didn't get a magic "get out of the pain of sexual abuse and forever have no scars" card (they don't even make those, so we deal the cards we got right?)

So here's your card: You are now thin. You can stay thin. You are afraid to be thin. You are afraid to rehash and feel any of the pain you probably thought was all done, dealt with and put away for good, right? Well it's not. I'm sorry. It's like an onion that slowly is peeled. Layer by layer. And now you're working on one huge-ass layer. Your eyes will water and it will make you cry. Hell, scream if you want-it feels good-but do whatever it takes so you don't let the fucker win. He doesn't deserve it, and you know you don't want him to.

(and I don't mind the language a bit - can you tell -)
I find it quite liberating to be able to say what the fuck I want when I want to, and not feel like someone's going to spank me for being "bad". I'm a grown woman, and I've learned that everyone doesn't have to like what I say. But the people I love and respect are the ones that matter. I love and respect every survivor. Because I know the pain, the shame, the fall-out and the courage it takes to heal from the monstrosity of sexual abuse.

You have it. You just need to pull up your big girl panties and see a trusted therapist to help you work through this thickass layer of the onion. I'd expect nothing less from someone who has the balls to have WLS. (Um, that would be you dear)

x2 from me ..this couldnt be more on point .

10zisessmaller · 03-20-2008, 07:18 AM

Hello Deb,
As I read your blog, I felt as if I wrote it, to tell you the truth, I feel that we are being punished for the wrong that somebody else did to us, and this is not right, we were the victims, I have started to gain the weight back, and I now realize why, the way man are looking at me bothers me, I hate it, so when I read your blog, I realized that, I did this for myself, not for anybody else, not to attract man, but to be healthy, to be here for a long time for my grandkids, to enjoy life, I have to forget, and pray that God will forgive them for what they did to us, and with all this said, I'm making a promise to myself, ( I will not gain anymore weight and loose what I have gained, move on with the new me with the best of my abilities and God's help, think of how I can make sure that this doesn't happen to any of my little loved ones around me, and move on with my life) I will keep you posted as to how I'm doing, you have opened my eyes, thank you, and God Bless you!

SweetSouthern · 03-20-2008, 08:44 AM

Debbie, I just wanted to give you a ((((((((BIG HUG)))))))))) and wish I could make your pain go away. I'm very sorry sweetie for what you had to endure for years. We are here for you to talk anytime you need to. Let it out to us. Better us to share it with you than for you to keep it all bottled up inside.

Vim&Vigour · 03-20-2008, 09:10 AM

hej Girls!
Are there really that many of us who have endured sexual abuse? Unbelievable and immensely sad.
Debz, thanks for the courage (and warning) for posting, how well written!
Phoenix, your reply is from the heart and in the real know, not only from compassion, you are right in your verdict
Amanda, you too?
10sizessmaller, good luck on your continued journey.
Beth, you are a healer!

So, we have all reached the point of "no more" and the first real step of our recovery must have been our surgery - such a drastic measure to a new life - and most definitely NOT the easy way out!

Thanks my friends for your post and replies!
(Some of my journey is in my blogs).

Cheers,
Vim

Phoenixfire · 03-20-2008, 10:18 AM

You may be shocked at the statistics, I was. If I recall correctly, nearly 3/4 of women have survived rape, incest, molestation, physical abuse and other forms of soul-murdering acts of others that were either strangers or the people that were SUPPOSED to love and nurture us.

I stood up to my abuser. Filed a lawsuit years after I finally escaped. Gave a deposition. Then didn't have the money to pay for attorneys' costs. But it was okay. I stood up to him. I wasn't afraid. It was one step in the journey (there are so goddamn many).

If you look at the reality of weight and abuse, you'll find that there are anorexics who have taken the OTHER route of trying to find a sense of control after abuse. Anorexia seems to be rooted in gaining control of SOMETHING. I'm not saying all anorexics were abused, I'm saying that a lot of them were.

I would not be at all surprised if a HIGH percentage of us on here are survivors. Men included. IT's not something we're "supposed to talk about" and I say bullshit to that. Because that is, again, letting the bastards win. We're silent when we carry the shame for what was done TO US. It's the natural response, it's how we coped when we endured. But there is hope to kick the shame to the curb. It's essential to loving yourself.

I don't believe I'm anyone special because I've come this far in healing, but I guess I am. I dunno. One of my therapists (I've had a few over the years, off and on as things in life necessitated the help) said to me:

"I cannot comprehend how you've become who you are when I consider the pile of shit you came from. Most don't heal. I don't know how you've done it. You have done something that few have done." I answered him with this:

"I know how. Because I decided at one point in my life that I REFUSE to allow what was done TO me dictate any more of my life. It's MY life now, and they have no power. Being powerless is the best motivation to never let someone else treat me like shit ever again."

I should note that I have absolutely NO contact with my family of origin. It was the best choice I ever made for myself. They are sick and infectious. I'm a grownup now and I don't have to expose myself (or my child) to their twisted sense of reality and the lies they believe about themselves and me

God that feels good. And so does standing here writing this with that suit unzipped and fearless of being judged for what I say. I say it because there have been strangers (and friends) along the way who have encouraged me. I don't know I could have healed so much without them. One friend said to me something I will never forget, and it affected me deeply because I never heard it growing up. She said:

"Phoenixfire, you are a GOOD person."
STill brings tears to my eyes when I remember that moment. And she KNOWS me, one of my best friends. So surround yourself with encouragers, and kick the toxic people in your life to the curb. Do it for yourself, you won't regret it and you'll find out just how wonderful you are.

Peace out, off to work!

Amandazon247 · 03-20-2008, 10:29 AM

Vim I faced my demons a long time ago... I learned that people that do this are doing it more for control than anything... the control is what they crave similar to a rapist. And I just decided that as a child I couldnt protect myself... but as an adult, thats another ballgame and I would never let anyone or anything have that kind of control again. I am the type I dont take any shit from anyone.. EVER. and if someone was to try and hurt me now... they may end up dead... I developed severe anger management issues and had to go to several classes and things to finally get that under control. I am extrememely over protective of my kids and talk to them all the time about how to keep safe, what acceptable and whats not, and most importantly to TELL TELL TELL....

My weight problem unlike some did not stem from abuse .. I was thin until about 7 years ago when I had twins... I dont know what happened it just got out of control. I think I just got comfortable and didnt care... My poor hubby ..hehas went through so much... he can be really sweet.

All I can say here is decide .. decide today if you are going to let the person that did this to you control your life this many years later..... get counceling who cares if you need it the rest of your life.... if it helps and you can be happy go for it.. and mostly realize it is not your fault... its the abusers fault and they are the ones screwed up in the head not you ...

You have to TAKE BACK your life... and if you ever just need to talk .. please feel free to email me or whatever...