Touchy subject...please be careful - Page 3 - ThinnerTimes

splendifor · 03-21-2008, 09:20 PM

At this point in my weight loss journey I am on a liquid protein shake diet to prepare for the surgery... and I am a crisis intervention therapist and a survivor of sexual abuse myself... and right now I have a pretty tough load which sometimes triggers the hell out of me...

that being said, what I know about my eating is that it keeps me "independent" to an extent - as long as I can comfort myself with food I don't have to pay attention to my feelings, particularly those that get brought up by dealing with clients who are in the middle of dealing with their trauma.

I have been thinking about how intimately connected my eating are to the feelings I'd rather avoid... and I keep telling myself that I want to pay attention to my feelings because I want to MAKE THIS WORK. Right now *not* using food to avoid feelings is a choice, once I have the surgery it will be less so (ie: I can't just decide to go have a big meal b/c I "deserve" it after that stressful event)... I'd rathre start this process while I still have the choice.

that being said.....

I wonder how many survivors who are dealing with these types of issues would want to create a group/community to talk about it?

MichelleND · 05-22-2008, 11:10 AM

Debz,

I know that this thread is a little ways back, but searched the topic and here it came up. I too am a survivor. I am a bad ass, say it how it is, but too wore the fat suit. I lost 130lbs a couple years ago. Got the advances from men, and slowly started to put my fat suit back on. I am a mother of 6 kids. 4 of them are special needs adoptions who have all in some way been abused as well. I was wrecking there life being such a control safety freak as well as sabotages mine. I have been to 100's of hours of therapy with them and one day said dammit I need help myself. Did you find that you would not think about the abuse for months, but your mind would still try to protect you in other ways?

My therapist did a technique on me called EMDR. If you know anybody who has been in combat it is pretty much the same thing they do to the soldiers that return from war. I can tell you with 100 percent certainty it really works. It is hard to explain, and you might be able to get a better explanation if you google it.

One example that I can give you though is that when I was younger I always thought really hard about being the smart one. Never wanted to feel fooled or made to think I should no better. In my EMDR therapy, right in the middle of telling her of the incident she stopped and asked me what I was feeling. I instantly said "stupid". I should of know better than to let it happen to me. I never put this together by myself, but it came to me instantly during therapy. I no longer give a shit what others think about my intelligence, or what I do or do not know. There was so much that came out of it. My cousin that was 6 months younger than me was there too. I grew up with her and we still to this day are the best of friends. We have never talked about the incident (I do not know if she remembers, and will talk to her when it is right) I used to protect her ass from everything. I would never allow anybody to hurt her. Men, women you name it. I remember being in high school and punching some guy out because he made a pass at her. Since I did not protect her that day, I felt that I should my whole life.

Anyway, I am blabbing. To all of you out there are survivors as well I am sorry for your pain and hope that it does not control your life. Not that I feel like I am "fixed", but am working just as hard on that as I am the pounds I am losing.

Peace

Michelle

bridgetgirl · 05-22-2008, 02:58 PM

The wsy I dealt with it was with acceptance. I had to accept that my parents were the best parents they knew how to be, I carried around so much anger for them not being there for me, my dad not kicking the mans ass who put his hands on his lil girl, never seeing my parents mad..... this is where I started to deal with the very root of the pain. Sure we blame the offendor, but we were children, what was wrong with our parents. I read a book by Dr Laura Schlesinger (dont roll your eyes) its called Bad Childhood, Good Life. It is excellent reading! I highly suggest it for you Deb, its a wonderful start toward healing, I know first hand-that book was suggested to me as well, and now I have mreo peace.

Good luck hun.

JumboJulie · 05-22-2008, 04:44 PM

I am so grateful to each of you who had the courage to post here.

I am only 2 and a half months out from surgery, but have already lost about 70 pounds. It's happened so fast. Maybe too fast.
Some weird things have been happening to me lately because of it. 2 weeks ago I was trying on a pair of jeans in the store, excited because they were size 18, and excited because they actually fit nice. I looked at myself and thought, "Wow, these are cute!" I went out of the dressing room to show my mom, and she told me to buy them because they really looked good. So happily, I did. I threw them in the washer as soon as I got home and wore them to school that night. A guy in class came up to me and introduced himself while I was sitting on a bench at break. He told me he's noticed me and was asking why I was taking the class, what I thought of it etc. He was very nice and harmless. But in my head all I thought was 'get away from this guy', and I felt very panicky inside. I cut him off, excused myself to the bathroom and locked myself in a stall. I was taking deep breaths, and when I looked down I thought, why did I buy these stupid jeans? I'll never wear them again, I don't want some strange guy looking at me again.
After finals last night I was waiting for my ride home. Two guys were standing near me talking when one said 'hi' to me. I must have looked terrified, like a deer in the headlights, because that's how I felt. I didn't say anything, I looked away and wished I was somewhere safe. I've even thought to myself that I made a mistake having the surgery because I really don't want to lose the weight. I've wondered how to make myself stop losing.
Why have all these weird irrational thoughts been going through my head? Am I going crazy? What's happening??
I'm starting to get scared.
I'm starting to get scared that I'll have sex with another man just because it's easier to give it away than it is to be raped. And if I keep losing weight, men are going to start to notice me. And that terrifies me.

I'm going to find a therapist in my area who can hopefully help me. Because of this thread I now understand what's been going on with me lately and am going to do something about it. 20 years have gone by since I was raped and I've never told anyone about it.
Thank you everyone.

Debz · 05-22-2008, 06:07 PM

Oh Julie. I'm so sorry to hear about your pain, and I understand exactly where youre coming from. It's so scary to deal with all of this stuff....and the weight loss happens so fast that you kind of don't even get a chance to catch your breath.

I would encourage you to not just sleep with someone so as to not get raped. It's apples and oranges, sweetie. Rape is an act of anger...it's not about sex really at all. You need to do things to make yourself feel safe. Personally, I carry a can of pepper spray on my keychain at all times...and I've taken a class on self defense. I am always aware of my surroundings, and I remember that I am responsible for keping me safe, so I try not to put myself in bad situations.

I'm so glad to know that you're going to seek out a therapist...it can be very healing to talk about what happened, and how it's affecting your life so many years later. Good luck on your journey...and hugs to you.

Miss Bridget...you hit my nail right square on the head. I have SO much anger at my mom. She didn't use good judgement...and I got hurt because of that. What really chaps my ass is that my mother is a survivor herself...how could she not have known how important it was to protect my innocence?

I try to accept...and sometimes I think I do....but something will happen to open my wounds, and I get pissed all over again. Life is a series of tests...if you fail this test, it will be repeated.....

Thanks for the book suggestion. I have to be honest and say that its hard for me to even contemplate reading those kinds of books...but I might just give it a try.

Michelle..I've heard of EMDR...as a matter of fact, my therapist wants to do it. But for the same reasons I have a hard time reading the book that Bridget recommended, I get spoked. I can talk about how the abuse has scarred me, and how angry I am, but I can't talk about the abuse itself. Maybe I'll revisit the idea tho...

JumboJulie · 05-22-2008, 06:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Debz

I would encourage you to not just sleep with someone so as to not get raped. It's apples and oranges, sweetie. Rape is an act of anger...it's not about sex really at all. .

Thank you Debz ... you're very caring.
I know in my head you are 100% right about that. But I sit here thinking about the men I have slept with and it's sad. I have been with only 3 in my life. But every time I did, it was motivated by fear and not desire. I have never felt passion before, I don't really know what the word means. I do understand that rape is about power and control, not sex. But unfortunately I have never enjoyed a sex life because of it. I was 15 years old and have to admit I didn't even really understand what sex was. Weird how it can carry over for 20 years like it has.
I love your idea about taking self-defense. I've never thought of that and I think it really might help me feel impowered.
Geez ... I can't believe I'm actually telling everyone this. I feels good to actually say it, but it's scary too. I have 6 phone numbers to call tomorrow, to see if I can set up an appointment with a therapist.
Debz, your thread means more to me than you can know.

Debz · 05-22-2008, 07:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JumboJulie

.
Debz, your thread means more to me than you can know.

Well. it means a lot to me to know that something that was so difficult to write actually made a difference to someone. I wish you peace and solace

bridgetgirl · 05-22-2008, 11:20 PM

Deb,
The book is an easy read, humorous and enlightening. its not all clinical and weird, more matter of fact... perfect for you.

I will mail ya mine if ya want it, or spare the expense and borrow it from the library. I keep my copy near me ALWAYS. When I start to feel "loaded down by those who love and care" for me, I reach out for that book! It brings me strength. In all actuality, ithink I read through it in 3 days. Its an easy read.

Yup, I didnt know until last year when I had my break down that I had so much anger to ward my parents, not even the attacker(s) Yes thats plural, that tormented me throughout life! Where in the *F* were they? Why werent they mad? I never heard them lose their temper. We went to court, I went to therapy, one went to jail, one didnt.... and it was my moms fault dammit! Or at least I thought. I feel liek a ton of bricks have lifted off my chest because of letting it go. Aknowledging my true feelings and the anger behind them. For instance, Was I mad for being molested and raped? Was I mad for not having better loving parents to guide me and protect me. Turns out it was all about my parents, and their role in my life. When I could forgive them, knowing with all my heart they did the best they knew how, it was easier to breathe. We all get dealt a crappy hand every now and again, but do you continue to bluff your way through it, or show your cards?

Omaha Jim · 05-23-2008, 09:07 AM

Debz,
As a man, I am probably not qualified to post to this thread. As the husband of a survivor (and still daily gotta freakin still deal with it incredible woman) of very similar abuse, if not the same type, I am qualified. I don't know if the pain will ever go away. I pray daily that those of you that have to deal with this history, will find the right person to complete your lives, the person who can understand, cope with and love the you, the strong you, that lives with the scarred you.

I know for SWMBO, we deal with this routinely, your openness and strength makes you an example to others. I hope you can overcome the demons, and not let this hinder your weight loss success and healing.

Healing comes, and the longer you find a healthy life, healthy relationships, healthy love, the memories will become more muted. But in my own personal experience, I don't think they go away. Be strong, find healthy comfort. You are doing great.

snick1899 · 05-23-2008, 03:44 PM

As I am reading this I am in awe that so many women, like myself, hide from men in their fat suit. Everyone is sharing thei stories, and though I am thankfully not a victim of abuse, this seems like the appropriate place to voice my story and my fears.

When I was 18, during my senior year of high school, my mother got sick with brain cancer. She passed away shortly after my high school graduation. My mom was my best friend, so losing her was very difficult. I didn't really deal with losing her, instead I started looking to fill that affection void in any place that I could. Unfortunately, most of the time that was with a strange man, drunk in a bar. Luckily, I didn't sleep with most of them, I just wanted someone to make me feel loved. Obviously, this was not love.

About a year later I met a wonderful man and moved to El Paso, TX with him. I was already depressed because of my mom, but was still deeply in denial about it. I couldn't work in Texas because I don't speak Spanish. I volunteered at the zoo and a bird farm but couldn't converse with most of the people since they spoke mostly spanish and not much english. The man I moved with was actually working for Delphi across the Mexican border, so I was seeing him less and less with his long hours and long commute. I got more depressed. So I ate. It wasn't even so much that I was eating a lot, but even eating normal American meals builds up fast if you spend your days in the dark on your couch. I refused to even open my blinds.

My relationship quickly went bad and I convinced myself it was because I gained weight. I am still not 100% convinced that it wasn't. I remember his saying "No offense babe, but you're getting fat." and when we broke up I cried to him saying "No one could ever love me again because I am so fat." He replied "Well I guess they will just have to get to know you. Then they can love you." Translation: No one will ever love you for your looks again. This has shaped the way I see men for the last 6 years.

This was back in 2002. Since then, I moved home to Ohio, got some counceling, saved up and followed my dream to move to Florida and pursue a career in dolphin training. But guess what? No one wants a fat dolphin trainer. Gotta look good in that wet suit. I have not had another relationship since. I have gone on exactly 1 date. I refused to go on another date because I realized I agreed to go on a date with this guy because "He could probably be attracted to a fat girl." I realized this was not a healthy reason to start a relatipnship.

Now I am pre-op and so excited to get back to the old me. But what lies ahead? Will I jump back into the routine of meeting guys at bars? Will I ever trust a guy to love me again? Will I ever believe that a man is interested in me, or will I believe he is secretly making fun of me by pretending to show interest in me? Will I ever trust a man to have another sexual relationship in my life?

As excited as I am about losing weight and getting my life back in so many ways, I am terrified of what the future holds in store.