sexual attractions part 2 - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

janine · 03-11-2008, 12:22 PM

Hi ya'll,
First I'd like to thank you all for your loving support in my last post. The saga continues...

I made some evaluations on why I have these feelings and found something out that's not so pretty.

He (my DH) was originally against the surgery but attended all the meetings and tolerated my decision. The reason he was against it was because as he said, "it's too drastic". In time he came to understand that this was going to happen. He helped me in the hospital, took a week off of work to care for me. I was amazed at how supportive and loving he was during that time.

As time went for 3 months and 90+ lbs later he finally looked at me and mentioned that he noticed that I'm getting smaller. Told me he noticed it in bed. Hugged me and kissed me. It was so nice to hear him say something nice.

Now 100+ lbs later he's gone cold. I just don't get it??!!
I approach him, kiss him and he kisses me back. Then changes the subject, gets distracted and pushes me away. After weeks of this I finally came to him over the weekend. I thought I'd just start messing with him while he sat at the computer. He seemed responsive but then... he just goes limp with his arms and I can feel his sigh. So at this point I said, "oh...” sighing... "You’re pushing me away, again". This time out loud. He said, "no, I'm not” and continued to tell me that my son was in the house and he didn't want him to hear us. (Now, my son is 17 years old, mind you all, and he's the youngest of 3. There have been kids in our home for 24 years). I really couldn't believe he used this as an excuse. Instead of being angry I was hurt and started to cry. The hormones kicked into high gear and I cried and cried... on his shoulder none the less. Ok... I had to pull myself together so I pushed him away went to the bathroom, washed my face and then... for the first time... I didn't turn to food! I turned to the dog leash and took my dogs for a long walk. As I walked I cried some more. 3 glorious miles of tears. Came back home and watched a movie and went to bed. All the while still crying.

After a while, in comes my DH, climbing into bed with me wanting to snuggle. WHAT EVER! So, did I get mad? You may want to know. NO! I just cried some more... I finally just got up and slept on the couch, crying myself to sleep.

Monday morning my DH didn't kiss me goodbye. He just quietly left as if he was guilty of something and didn't speak to me at all. Not that I spoke to him or attempted to talk either. He didn't come home after work... I got to thinking about allot of stuff.

*He has slept on the couch for 15 years now.
*we separated at one time about 10 years ago and when we got back together he said, "Ya know, I don't really need sex... I can live without it now"
*He didn't want me to have this surgery
*He hasn't been responsive to my weight loss
*He's pushed me away for a very long time... He doesn't ever initiate
*Could there be someone else?
(No, he never works late these days, He's always ate his dinner and he never talks about anyone else)
*He really doesn't spend allot of time on the computer and when he does, I've checked it out and he's really working.
*Is it the hormones? The hormones in me are kicking in high gear but that surely wouldn't affect his huh?

I came to the conclusion that the problem is not me. I have desires that clearly are not being met. Maybe that's why I find other men desirable. Maybe that's why I found my friend attractive. I've never ever acted upon my feelings. I've even avoided my friend all together. So, I felt I had to talk to my dh about his coldness even if the truth hurts it's better knowing than not.

I hope I'm not boring you readers to tears...

Anyway, my DH finally gets home around 9:30 or so and I'm really pissed at this point. Still crying a bit but by that point I was angry too. So, I asked a few questions and he tried to dodge them. He started to talk about work and his expectations, bla bla bla. I guess I just didn't want to hear about work at this point. I asked him, "So, your job has an effect on our sex life, how?” He changes the subject back to work again. bla bla bla... "What ever! You’re changing the subject because you don't want to talk about what really needs to be talked about". He went silent... So I asked the necessary questions.

In the end I guess this is what I learned.
* My DH has lost interest in sex
* He said it was his problem
* I should be more understanding to his lack of desire

So, I guess I'll have to figure something out on my end of the deal. I'm not interested in obligatory sex. If he's not interested he's not interested. What is a woman to do?

nextbigloser · 03-11-2008, 12:30 PM

Janine I so feel for you. Do you know what you are going to do yet? Has DH or will he talk to someone about his issues? I am like him I have no drive, don't even want to be kissed goodbye. I know it hurts my spouse and I give it up out of obligation.

I hope that the two of you can come to some understanding and work things out. We are here for you no matter what your decision is.

Zenomia · 03-11-2008, 12:40 PM

Have you considered Marriage counseling? I really don't know what else to say...big hugs...

katzz87 · 03-11-2008, 12:53 PM

Would your hubby be willing to speak with a doctor about is lack of libido? Could be testosterone (decreased), emotional, or work stresses, the list could go on. If he's not willing to find out what's going on...then you will need to decide what you can live with (or without). Sounds like his sex drive has NOTHING to do with your weight (or weight-loss). I'm wishing you both the best...24+ years is something to be proud of!

That said...you have just GROWN emotionally so much since surgery! Just from your initial posts till now...you have grown stronger and more sure of yourself! CONGRATS!!!

janine · 03-11-2008, 12:57 PM

Marriage counceling? No, I haven't concidered it. I don't think it will help because we don't really have marriage problems. I guess it's just that my dh is going through some changes that I just have to learn to deal with. It just doesn't help that My harmones are out of wack and will be out of wack until my weight stablizes. In the mean time, I just have to keep it all in check. I guess I just needed to vent to you all and share my journey. This part I really didn't expect.

kellyMASS · 03-11-2008, 01:06 PM

First i am so sorry for your crying...(((Hugs)))

I dont know what to say about this right now.I am still pre op and I love my hubby but dont want to have sex much.HE is gorgeus and he seems to be losing interest lately.I am hoping this surgery will make sex better not worse.I dont know.Please keep me updated....

Godsblessedme · 03-11-2008, 01:06 PM

sounds like what my DH kinda went thru. I think they (men) can be very insecure especially since seeing us going thru a total transformation can make them feel very nervous and for some reason unwanted. I would agree with the counseling this does sound like a "marriage problem" to me. give it a shot or maybe he really has no "desires" for sex right now, Lord knows I totally can relate to that.

Hang in there girl!

soon2bthin · 03-11-2008, 01:10 PM

I agree with others that maybe counseling would not hurt. I know you say you dont have marriage problems, but it sounds like to me this is a marriage problem. I also don't think you should just sit idle and take it. While 24 years is something to be proud of you have needs to be met as well. Me and my hubby used to go through the same thing all the time, but I was the one not wanting to give it up. Try once more to explain to him how this makes you feel. Maybe more with get through his thick skull than you think. Hopefully you husband will come to his senses and things will start to look up for you. you are in my thoughts.

MBatten · 03-11-2008, 01:52 PM

Hi Janine,

So sorry to hear about this. But I feel compelled to write how surprised I am to see you think that lack of intimacy is not a "marriage problem". There is no BIGGER marriage problem than lack of intimacy. An integral part of marriage is the intimacy you share with your partner, and if one is not interested anymore, it signals a much greater rejection than just not "getting any", to put it bluntly. We aren't going to be 100% in sync with our partners on this, but total denial is unreasonable. Marriages go through different periods of feast or famine...I know. I've been married for 10 years and the frequency has changed over time, sometimes from year to year, but it's such an important part of the marriage relationship, I highly encourage you to seek some counseling. It's most assuredly a marriage issue, make no mistake about that. And it's perfectly 100% natural for you to have these feelings and desires, and it's great that you still have them for your DH. There is a bright side, and if he's willing to work with you, you folks should be able to make some progress. But don't deny yourself or talk yourself out of your desires...they are yours and you deserve to have them. You should not feel like you have to compromise to his level...there is always compromise, but you two should try to come to a compromise where you both feel comfortable and regain your intimacy.

I hope this helps. I'm rooting for you.

kellyMASS · 03-11-2008, 02:20 PM

^

words of wisdom