sexual attractions part 2 - Page 2 - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

cajunh2s · 03-11-2008, 02:27 PM

janine

i'm new to the forum and hope you guys don't mine me posting on your subject...but being a man...i feel maybe i should..

your husband could be experiencing a number of things right now...and may not want to admit it...it took me going to a doctor to find out what was wrong with me...so this is a little experience talking...

as i think katz mentioned it could be his testosterone is out of whack...medication could help this...but some test's needs to be Ran....a good urologist would catch this...

is your husband also overweight?...if so he may have diabetes or other things
that will cause him not to be able to get a decent erection which in turn would make him lose interest in sex.....with these issues a lot of times men will shy away from sex...because they feel they are losing there manhood so to speak...

it seems to me your husband loves you...and is having trouble communicating with you on something....

now the last think i can only think of is this....and please don't take this the wrong way...cause some guys are like this...

if you were a large person when you and your husband got together...he may have a deep love for large women.....and as you lose weight...he is watching his large woman he loves become thinner.....this could be an issue....i don't know....i just know there are guys out there like this....

in closing..i'm sure my wife thought i might have been having an affair until i seeked help from a doctor and test were ran....all i can say is...with my weight and my testosterone levels and diabetes issues....the little blue pill has become my friend....i hope i may have helped and shined a little light on the subject....but he too may have a health issue of some type....

cajun
Randy james

Janelle · 03-11-2008, 02:47 PM

Janine,

Like Randy pointed out, the libido could actually be a physical problem. I dated someone whose libido went in the crapper, then we discovered he had diabetes.

I would also expect that a marriage should have a healthy sexual component. I think couselling may be a viable option if there is no physical reason for his issues.

Yes, you have needs that are not being met. It is only right to see if DH has physical problems that are preventing him from meeting those needs.

Good luck, Honey!
Janelle

janine · 03-11-2008, 03:34 PM

I do understand that our sex has changed over the years.

In the begining is was all the time, anywhere, anytime the oportunity arose it happend. 3 children later I didn't want it. I didn't want to be touched. I breast feed and just didn't want to be touched later at night. I fealt needed by everyone and I needed a break from any kind of touching. I recognized it then.

So, I planned it. like clockwork, every friday night. I'd put the kids to bed early, I'd prepaire all day so everything was in order. Eventually, lol! I started looking forward to friday nights. I never told him about it at the time. I just didn't want to loose him or what we had. So, then we got through that period of our lives and the intamicy came back.

Then I started on flauxetine to help with my pms. It was great on pms but bad on my intamite satisfaction. I had the desire but could not reach that point of (well you know). Anyway, over time I learned how to get past it. I learned how to adjust my meds so It didn't effect me that way. My dh dealt with it.

I've gained alot of weight since I first met him. I'm so glad to be loosing it, I'm not there yet but I will be. I did talk to him about my loosing weight and if he prefered me large and he laughed. "No! I like it that you're loosing the extra, it's definetly improved things in the bedroom that's for sure". So, I know he doesn't prefer obese women.

We talked about all this stuff last night. How I tried to fix things when I was the problem, I didn't shut down and turn off. I'm the one who had the problem and I fixed it. He on the otherhand just doesn't even recognize that it's hurting me. He didn't even see it that way. It's all about him... It always has been about him. I'm not sure if I got through to him but I've tried to get him to see what's going on.

By the way, dh slept in the same bed as me last night. The first time in 15 years. It was hard to sleep with someone taking my blankets all night. But I still got no kiss goodbye this morning. I guess that meens he either doesn't know what I want or don't want. I hate all this bad feelings and all. I almost wish he could have just pretended to have good sex instead of knowing it's obligated. I just can't go there till it's for real. Don't know how I'll get past this one. Call it testostrone, call it just a life change... what ever! I can't help but take it personal.

katzz87 · 03-11-2008, 04:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cajunh2s

it seems to me your husband loves you...and is having trouble communicating with you on something....
cajun
Randy james

Randy james...such a smart man! I too feel that her hubby loves her...but it would be a difficult subject for a man (even a woman) when they feel they are not up to par, so to speak.

Quote:

Originally Posted by janine

I do understand that our sex has changed over the years. But I still got no kiss goodbye this morning. I guess that meens he either doesn't know what I want or don't want. I hate all this bad feelings and all. I almost wish he could have just pretended to have good sex instead of knowing it's obligated. I just can't go there till it's for real. Don't know how I'll get past this one. Call it testostrone, call it just a life change... what ever! I can't help but take it personal.

Yep, it changes over the years...mind-blowing, great, good, blah, bad, indifferent...and the cycle continues depending upon our physical health, mental health, and stresses. After 28 years together I can totally relate to all the changes involved. But hubby and I totally love each other...even if he doesn't give me a kiss in the morning before work! He is so NOT a morning person....I no longer take it personally. Keep the lines of communication open and give things time. Maybe he will see a doctor about any issues that may be preventing him from having sex.

I do have to admit that when you said he didn't sleep with you in bed for 15 years that kind of threw me for a loop... Wishing you a great outcome on this issue.

cajunh2s · 03-11-2008, 10:12 PM

janine

you know its amazing to me how often times people get together become couples...and i guess we have whats called a honeymoon period...were we can't keep our hands off each other.....and then it becomes less...then a little more less....till it becomes more like being room mates....and the passion fades.....i guess it's nature to a great extent...wish is a shame..

it sounds to me your husband loves you...no matter what size you may be....and thats a good thing.....his love is unconditional....and thats the best kind.....

my dad and step mom reminds me of you and your husband.....after 30 years of marriage....the last 20 they have slept in different beds......i asked my dad...what gives?...you guys not in love anymore?.....

he said son....we still love one another madly....but at our age..we just love other things also..and i said yea...whats that?

he said i love having room in bed to spread out......and she don't have to hear me snore......lol

Randy

bebop · 03-11-2008, 11:35 PM

my dh and I are going thru pretty much the same sexually. I blame my weight on it. we started out all hot and heavy to almost nothing. I do feel your pain on this. have your hubby get to a dr asap. it is good though that he slept in the bed with you! I hope the best for you.

Persephone · 03-17-2008, 07:34 AM

Janine,

I just wanted to say that I am so proud of you.

In your op you pointed out that for the first time ever you did not turn to food. You walked THREE miles with your dogs. WOW. Some of your past threads described how you immediatly thought of turning to food and this time you didn't.

I really have no other advice then the pearls of wisdom already offered. It's obvious that he cares for you. He made the effort to come to bed.

I struggle in this area as well but it's me with the lack of drive this time. I struggle because it has never, ever, been that way for me before. Luckily my bf is a very very patient man.

It will all find it's way in time hon.

janine · 03-17-2008, 02:11 PM

Well, It's been a few days and I have to say, "he's trying". dh slept in bed for a few days and last night he fell asleep on the couch. he sais it's a habit now and not because I snore. He said my snoring is over and he's just having to readjust. He moves alot in his sleep and steals the covers.

His desires are not real though (I'm afraid). He wants to please me but I miss his desire. He can't make that part up. I want him to see a doctor but haven't told him yet. I can tell this is a very sensitive topic for him. The whole wierd part is that he rises to the occasion but just getting him to not be so distracted is rough. He used to look at me different back in the day. I'm not at the weight I was when we were dating yet so, time will tell. We've been through so much over the years. This is just one of many trials.

On the other hand... I'm still having some dreams that annoy me. It doesn't help that my dh doesn't desire me. I'll try to do something special for my dh today to get my mind off of it though.

blkmercedes · 03-19-2008, 02:52 PM

I really feel your pain! My last husband got to the point where he wouldn't touch me, and all sorts of thoughts were running through my head. It turned out that once he was diagnosed with cancer he felt that he just didn't want to "involve" me in his trouble. The doctor explained to me that him going through his own grieving period was normal, but that things should return. Needless to say it didn't, but he would not get counseling.

You say that you tried to fix things when you were the problem, and didn't shut down and turn off. However, men don't communicate like we do. A lot of times they fix things internally and leave us in the dark. I wonder somethime if they even realize how much it hurts us?!? I do hope you will ask him to see a doctor/counselor because trying to pry it from him may push him further the opposite direction.