Depression...Among other things. - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

bigguy_132 · 02-17-2008, 11:07 PM

It has been a long time since I have posted on this forum. Just to update on everyone on how I am doing physically. I am down 96.6 lbs. I weighed in on Thursday at my doctors in Minneapolis and weighed 316.6. I just had an A1C done which was a 5.6 this time around. I have not used my insulin pen for about two months now. My cholesterol is around 156 right now and my blood pressure is about 132/62. Everything is down since I have had surgery. Now for my emotional health. This overall has been well shit. I have been constantly depressed. When things start to go well and things start to look up in my life I sabotage myself and bring myself down. To be honest I look in the mirror and hate the way that I look. I pick out all my flaws and do not like anything about my physical appearance. I feel that I do not deserve some of the things in life I have right now or that I am not good enough for certain things. I feel that I just want to crawl into a hole and just never come out. I am four months out of surgery and by no means have I become an alcoholic but I have started to drink again. Which please spare me the lecture on it I know is really really bad for me. Instead of having food to help myself I have now turned to beating myself up about my flaws rather then focusing on the good about myself. Instead now I get compliments from someone that I really should be pushing out of my life rather then keep pulling them in since all they are doing is nothing but harm (mentally). I keep going back because I cannot myself like me so I listen to this other person to hear it. Sorry everyone but thanks for letting me rant.

I am welcome to any advice on how to start to like myself though. Because I know myself that I need help, and that this has to stop.

pebitpeb · 02-18-2008, 01:46 AM

Jeremy,

I am glad you returned and your weight loss is great. What a great achievement. You are self aware and alot myself in the past. I have sent you a private message too, please take a look at it. It is important to get full benefit from this operation and that mean physically, mentally and overall. You can along with a support system can get to a better place and even if you need to take baby steps at first it is ok.
Hope to hear you soon.
pebitpeb
Paul

Toony · 02-18-2008, 03:52 AM

Hey Jeremy! I've been wondering about you!!! CONGRATS on the weight loss!

The emotional thing is a bear, huh? It's not something you can see to "fix" like the surgery was...

There are tools to help you with the emotional side too --- but you'll have to seek them out in counseling. Grab on for all the help you can get hon... there is no shame in it! Ask your surgeon's office for a referral to a psychiatrist or psychologist to help you out... they'll know who has experience in this dept... and if you don't "click" with who you see, try another until you do.

You are TOO IMPORTANT and WONDERFUL to let this take over your life....

Please Jeremy --- keep posting here and let us do what we can... and make that call today!

HUGS!

fisher1000 · 02-18-2008, 04:42 AM

Hi Jeremy!

Good to see you again buddy! Congrats on the diabetes stuff---I know how liberating that is!

BigBearJeff and I were talking about this last night and about the emotional side of things and part of it is related to testosterone, dude. When men are large, the fat chemically alters the testosterone in our system and changes it into estrogen. When we lose large amounts of weight, we start getting our testosterone back. One of the side effects of that happening is emotional trouble...could manifest as depression, anger, moodiness, etc. Mine has manifested as a superhero I like to call "Captain Asshole." I get bothered by so many little things that before the surgery I would have swept under the rug or not bothered with. I've never been that bothered by petty crap in the past but stuff gets under my skin pretty quickly lately.

I think it's starting to even out, as I haven't been as mean or moody lately, but I definitely had a good couple of months where my wife wanted to kick my ass every day. Now she just wants to kick my ass about once a week--which is normal. (That's from being "Captain Smartass")

If it continues, I would take Katie's advice...go talk to someone. Don't suck the wrong people into your life if you know that they are harmful. You don't need that crap!

I'm so glad to see you on the forum posting...you can expect a phone call soon!

Take care, buddy!

-Mike

SueRN · 02-18-2008, 06:49 AM

You need to talk to the psycologists at your WLS program or have them refer you to one. this can be a very stressful time with all the changes going on both pysically and emotionally. It's very normal and we all struggle with this process at one time or another. You are doing so well. Try to focus on the positives if you can. Depression is also very common during the post op period so you are not alone. Couselling may really help you to work thru this. But it will get better! Sue

Persephone · 02-18-2008, 07:40 AM

It's difficult when your inside doesn't automatically change with your outside. Hang in there. You are worth it.

It's evident that many people on this board care about you.
Captain Asshole does not live up to his name (at least when he's typing)

I know the feeling of not deserving the good stuff coming my way. I'm taking baby steps and recently learning how to accept compliments. I sabotage myself daily but I'm beginning to reconize when it starts. I also try to stop all the negative thoughts. Easier said then done.

I've dealt with depression since I was fifteen so, sadly, it's a way of life for me but I've learned to accept and somewhat cope with it. I am well aware that the surgery is not going to solve this. I just hope it doesnt get worse as my journey continues.

I_love_Hello Kitty · 02-18-2008, 11:41 AM

Jeremy,

Being self aware is a first step...

I have dealt with depression most of my adult life....I am on something which has helped me...and now life seems "normal"...but losing weight isn't going to magically make you love yourself. Thin people have their own flaws they pick on day and night as well....I have lost weight and now I see my saggy skin, etc and sometimes I get down on it...but no one is going to bring you up except you.

I suggest you see a counselor...and being an insightful person, which you seem like you are, try and reach within yourself and focus on being there for yourself. Ultimately you have all the power. You can get on an anti-depressant, you can see a counselor, and you can build yourself up and you can eliminate all those negative people from your life. Don't rely on anyone else to boost you...be there for yourself. And tell the people who drag you down to get lost.

Once someone told me to picture myself at like 10 years old...and see if I would tell myself the same things I do now...the negative things I tell myself...and I realized..no...of course I wouldn't say that to a little version of myself...it was emotional picturing myself that way...and trying to "be there for myself"...trying to vocalize what I would tell myself as a little kid...and how I would be positive and strong for that little girl....they said to say the things to myself, as if I was a little kid...and when I do that it works...I stop with all the negative bull...and I try and remember that eventhough I have people in my life who love and support me, it will always be me myself and I who are ressponsible for making me happy. What's the point of talking down to yourself???? You wouldn't do that to another person...why do it to yourself? You only have one life...and that is just a waste of time...not to mention just cruel.

I hope this wasn't too philisophical...and I hope it helps. You deserve to take better care of yourself.

thedonnybrasco · 02-18-2008, 12:05 PM

When You Have This Surgery The Weight Loss Happens. Its The Mental Stuff
We Have To Do For Ourselves. You Are Changing Physically And Mentally
And Chemically. We Need Help With This. This Is Why I'm On This Forum, To
Help With The Mental Part. That Is Thankfully Enough For Me. I Also Have Really Good Support From Family And Friends. Just Go Talk To Someone-
It Helps. You Deserve To Regain Your Self Esteem. Be Proud And Walk Tall!
And We Are Here Any Time You Need To Talk Or Vent.

bigguy_132 · 02-18-2008, 10:58 PM

Toony - First of thanks for all your support you have helped me since day 1 and for that I thank you. I am going to make that call tomorrow and go see the counselor as much as I hate and don't want to go see it. I wish that it was easy and that surgery could fix the emotional stuff as well.

Mike - It was really good to hear from you. I have to agree with you and Jeff that I did not realize how much this was going to affect my moods. I feel like I am on a high at one point and then dip down into a low the next. I feel it is starting to balance out more but I do know that I need to go see someone as this is on such a deeper level. Much as I have tried not to suck the wrong person into my life I did and managed to. Now I cannot seem to force myself to push that person out of my life. I look forward to talking to you sometime

.

Sue - Thanks I really hope that things start to improve. Just when I think that things are starting to improve the circle starts all over again. I am going to talk to a counselor here on Campus and see how that goes.

Persephone - Believe me I can relate on so many levels. I have no started to get to the point of where I stop myself from bashing myself. I seem to just let myself do it feel miserable for quite sometime and then start to build myself up again. I believe that I have always suffered from depression.

I_love_Hello Kitty - It was not at all too philosophical. I like to think that I am an intellectual person and that I like to look outside the box. I really appreciate you taking the time to reply and to help me. The one thing I do not like is pills. I took them when I was fifteen or so and I did not like the way that they made me feel. I am going to see the counselor. I wish that I could rely on myself but it seems that I have to rely on other people to make myself feel better. I think the reason that is because I do not trust myself nor do I think that I can do it. But I hope this changes.

thedonnybrasco - I love the physical changes of the surgery it is the mental part that I hate. I have tried to regain my self esteem for many years and with no success. I also am part of this forum for the help and support as well as the great people that I meet. I have support from family and friends as well but I think it is hard for them because they do not fully understand what is going on with me.

I just want to say to everyone thank you. I thank you for all the continued support and shoulders to lean and cry on. I just want everyone to know that from the bottom of my heart this means a lot. Just know that whenever you guys need a shoulder to lean on I will be there.

Rain · 02-19-2008, 03:59 AM

I looked at your photos on your blog you are a very handsome young man. You have a good head on your shoulders from what I have read about you. When I look in the mirror I see thin but understand your feelings. I have suffered from several depression for years and it can be hard to maintain. I'm headed back to my shrink as well. Hugs to you don't give up it will get better.