My first friend that has decided to hate me... - Page 3 - ThinnerTimes

Claire-in-Texas · 02-16-2008, 08:54 AM

This is an interesting question/comment, and the responses were very interesting, too. We humans are very complex, aren't we?

My own experience is that, with friends, I had nothing but support. With acquaintances, I am told many times that I am much too thin. Yeah, right. My response? I just smile pleasantly, and move on to another subject.

My own daughter, however, is obese, and her reactions are interesting to me. While she and I are now, and have always been, close and loving, and she has been rooting for me, now that I'm "there," I do feel a bit of an undercurrent from her. And she and I have both identified it (we talked openly about it). She is so upset with HERSELF, so sad that she is where she is, and watching me "fly like an eagle" (as she puts it) makes her feel deeper in a hole, at the same time as she feels so happy for me. It is, of course, up to her to do what she needs to do about it, but that's a whole different subject. This has NOT affected my daughter's and my relationship since we have identified the issue and are dealing with it with a lot of understanding and love on both sides.

It's complex.

HOWEVER, to get an end-of-friendship call from a jealous person is probably the meanest thing a "friend" can do. And we don't need meanness, and those people are not friends. They are hang-out buddies who come and go in life.

The word "friend" is an all-inclusive one. It encompasses all levels of friendship. There is only ONE person in this world who is a REAL friend, a friend who would do (and has done) anything in the world for me, thinking only of me and how to help me and love me, giving from her heart and soul. We have had that level of friendship for many years. There are several more people whom I care deeply for, that I trust. The rest of the "friends" in my life are hang-out buddies.

Maybe it's my age, but I have come to the realization that not all friends are friends.

Hoping and praying · 02-16-2008, 10:42 AM

Wow I am glad I found this thread. I have been struggling with somthing simular with my sister. She is older then me but our whole lives she was the pretty one. She was the beautiful one. It was a constent thing. When we were kids she was a size 0 and I was a 3x but in high school she gained from a size 7 to a size 18 in one year. I was still the ugly one in the eyes of my mom. I moved out and so did she but I let her move in with me for a very long time in which I paid all the bills so she could go to college. She continued to gain weight and at 380 myself I desided to do the opposit. I started to lose. Over the last five years my sister had moved in with my parents who continue to tell her how she is the pretty one and I continued to lose weight as she gained. When I had my surgery she informed me she was happy for me. She missed me and she wanted to be close again I was so happy for this because I we grew up being told that sisters are suposed to be best friends.

Yet here we are only 3 months later I am now smaller then I was in the 5th grade which is amazing to me but I have no cloths. LOL. However my sister who wanted to get our friendship back has once again turned into the biggest witch. When she talks to me she is constently telling me how someone told her she is beautiful. How she is prettier then me and how this was all a big mistake.

It is a good thing I did not do this for her. WOW. I did not know so much resentment could be shown over weight loss.

sdgrrl · 02-16-2008, 08:18 PM

It sounds to me like your sister got all the adoration and you got all the brains! You grew juevos and she's grown bitter. My mom used to say that beauty was only skin deep, but ugly went all the way down to the bone. Scratch the surface of your "prettier" sister, and she sounds pretty darn ugly. Thin doesn't always mean pretty, and heavy doesn't always mean undesirable. So as long as your sister perceived herself to be prettier than you, all was cool. Now that you are taking care of your body, you are suddenly the pariah!

Have the two of you ever engaged in a real conversation, where you both share your feelings without feeling ambushed? Are you strong enough in yourself that if/when she starts the litany of her superiority to you, you can tell her to blow it out her a$$? If even your parents are feeding her need to be the 'pretty one', she must have quite the delicate constitution. Needing to disrespect one's own sister in order to feel worthy falls into the category of 'ugly down to the bone' in my book, weight and size totally not withstanding.

Be glad you have more character than your insecure, self serving sister. It's not at all about who is bigger, whose dress size is smaller, who is more 'normal.' You know your truth.....hug yourself for being the one with the bigger heart and the prettier spirit.

Good luck to you!

Claire-in-Texas · 02-16-2008, 08:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sdgrrl

It sounds to me like your sister got all the adoration and you got all the brains! You grew juevos and she's grown bitter. My mom used to say that beauty was only skin deep, but ugly went all the way down to the bone. Scratch the surface of your "prettier" sister, and she sounds pretty darn ugly. Thin doesn't always mean pretty, and heavy doesn't always mean undesirable. So as long as your sister perceived herself to be prettier than you, all was cool. Now that you are taking care of your body, you are suddenly the pariah!

Have the two of you ever engaged in a real conversation, where you both share your feelings without feeling ambushed? Are you strong enough in yourself that if/when she starts the litany of her superiority to you, you can tell her to blow it out her a$$? If even your parents are feeding her need to be the 'pretty one', she must have quite the delicate constitution. Needing to disrespect one's own sister in order to feel worthy falls into the category of 'ugly down to the bone' in my book, weight and size totally not withstanding.

Be glad you have more character than your insecure, self serving sister. It's not at all about who is bigger, whose dress size is smaller, who is more 'normal.' You know your truth.....hug yourself for being the one with the bigger heart and the prettier spirit.

Good luck to you!

Right on the money, Donna!!

Hoping and praying · 02-17-2008, 01:44 AM

You are right she has a problem and it is with more then just me. I do not know what to do other then to be supportive of her own endevors to lose weight Today i hit 62lbs lost and I fit into my first size 12 dress which is the smallest I have ever been in my life and all they coul do was tell me it was not healthy Heck this is the first thing I have done for me in a long time it is Healthy!.

Claire-in-Texas · 02-17-2008, 06:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hoping and praying

You are right she has a problem and it is with more then just me. I do not know what to do other then to be supportive of her own endevors to lose weight Today i hit 62lbs lost and I fit into my first size 12 dress which is the smallest I have ever been in my life and all they coul do was tell me it was not healthy Heck this is the first thing I have done for me in a long time it is Healthy!.

You have two options - you can either try to sit her down and talk to her (I would suggest you do it in a restaurant or some other such location where she can't raise her voice, or leave), or you just accept what is, and do the wonderful thing that you are doing for yourself.

Yes, it would mean the world to you to get that kind of support, but there are some things you can't change, and the most important thing is what you are doing for yourself, which is life changing, healthy, and vital.

HUGS!

AriesGirl78 · 02-17-2008, 07:24 PM

I know where you are coming from. I have not LOST a friend yet, but 2 are acting differently towards me. The first one lost a lot of weight and has gained it back. When I saw her, she never said I looked good. She lives out of state, so I do not see her often. She will leave me messages on myspace that she is proud of me, but has not said it to my face. I know she is jealous! That is the type of person she is.

My other friend is acting different around me as well. I do not think she is the jealous type, but maybe she is. I just wish they would understand I did this for my health. It kinda upsets me that this has happened with our friendships.

Rain · 02-19-2008, 04:39 AM

Boy I know how you feel, my best friend tells me every time she sees me that I keep getting smaller and smaller. She said your gonna get smaller then me. She has alway been thinner then I and I just told her yep I hope I do get smaller then you. LOL She has let up on me now. But I feel I will lose her friendship eventually. My fat friends tried to talk me out of the surgery but I just told them its for me and my health. I fell like the rest of you if they can't except me as I am then they are not true friends. Its just sad that weight loss can cause so many problems with our spouses and friends.

sdgrrl · 02-19-2008, 10:05 AM

Everyone, ourselves included, get all hung up in our "place" in each others' lives, and when that 'order' is challenged, not everyone makes the cut. It's too bad they don't stress that more when we go to the pre-op meetings, because it's huge. We're talking about long term important friendships, and in many cases our spouses and life partners here! As someone on the forum here put it so wisely, it's the last bastion of 'acceptable' discrimination...

In a way I feel lucky that my disability has kept me so home bound--many friends haven't seen me, therefore I have not challenged their conception of me. Now when I do go out, it's either with forum friends, who accept me for who I am regardless of my size, or I can travel 'incognito' and no one recognizes me! It's kind of cool, in a way, but I can always see the shock and alarm in their eyes. I have challenged their preconceived notions!!

It's like I can see either the death of our friendship in that moment or the instantaneous reassignment of my 'order' in their social caste system. Because the change in me is so immense, for lack of a better word, (250 to 120, sz 24 to 2) there doesn't seem to be a middle ground. I suppose it's not a bad thing--I know immediately where I stand. My phone hasn't exactly rung off the hook, if you know what I mean.

pgh3rivers · 03-03-2008, 02:55 AM

I haven't had surgery yet and I can tell that a few of my friends are acting strange. Many of my friends that I have known for 10+ years have been very supportive about surgery. A few are telling me not to have surgery. I don't understand why they are saying this because they know how much I have struggled with my weight. I suspect two of my single friends like me fat because I am not a threat. I know that sounds horrible but I am really beginning to suspect that is the case. The two friends who are not supportive are women that I have only know while obese. I am disappointed that they are so negative about my surgery. I wonder how long these friendships will last.