Back After a Long Absence - ThinnerTimes

aesidwell · 01-27-2008, 09:17 AM

I've started, stopped, and thought about this post for a long time. I don't even know where to begin, since it's been more than six months since my last post, and I think I was afraid to write anything, because I've been trying so hard to be O.K. on my own, but I've realized how much I've missed this board and how much I really do need the support of people who have gone through the same thing as I have.

First, let me say that I have really missed you all and don't know why I kept from posting, except to say that anxiety and life completely consumed me. Second of all, it's been a gigantic rollercoaster of emotions and events over the past six months and I'm completely overwhelmed. I hardly know where to begin.

When I last posted, I had just changed jobs, and continue to be there (I work as a TV lit assistant at an agency), and settling into that job was one of the most anxiety inducing, draining experiences I have ever gone through. The hours, the expectations, the speed at which I was expected to be "on my game," it's no surprise that it was a really difficult adjustment, and my desire to be perfect really weighed on my mind and actions as I learned my job. The onset of the strike (and the continuation of it) has made for some strange days and weeks. So far, my job is not in danger of being cut, but I'd be an idiot if I didn't say I worry about it. A lot. However, that said, it has been the best job change I have ever made. I like the company I work for, I have fantastic friends from work that are wonderfully supportive, and I'm thriving at work. My boss likes me, the agents know who I am, and tomorrow I'll be interviewing for a slot in the company's agent trainee program.

Personally, though, life has not been quite as smooth, to say the least. It took a long time to figure it out, as I thought a lot of my depression was related to the exhaustion and anxiety from my job. However, it was my home life that was really getting to me. As some of you may or may not remember, I lived with my boyfriend, Alex, and right around the time I made the job switch, we celebrated a fourth year together. However, it was more disappointing than happy. The anniversary of our first date was 7/7, and we had said for years that we would get married on 7/7/07 - but the closer the date got, the more adamant was he that it wasn't the right time, and why bother getting married when we were so happy as we were? I went along with it; I thought I was happy, too.

As the months went on, and I settled into my job, began making friends and having more of a social life than I have ever had, life at home started to wane. Alex was promoted, neither of us got home until late at night, and when we were together, although we always enjoyed each other, all we did was drink and watch movies. But, with the money he was earning, and the fact that we could basically do what we wanted financially, and that we weren't fighting, I just convinced myself that this was life; this is what it meant to be comfortable and happy with someone.

But I was still coming home every night feeling frustrated, angry, and resentful. I hated that feeling! My weight had started to stabilize, hovering between 170 - 175 (not that I'm happy with that, but that's later), job was good, friends were good, home life was...good? So why was I angry? It took me a long time to realize it, but it was because nothing was changing with Alex. I felt like a convenience in HIS life; this wasn't OUR life.

I met someone through work, and after a night of drinking, ended up making out with the guy in back of his car like a freaking 16 year old. I was shocked - I have NEVER cheated on Alex, and I couldn't believe what I had done. But it felt so good to feel as though someone found me attractive, thought I was sexy, and just plain liked me - since I hadn't felt that way with Alex for a long time.

It was a week before Thanksgiving. I was sick, I had laryngitis, I had my mom breathing down my neck about not going to the holiday dinner (since Alex hates holidays), and I just snapped. I couldn't live like that, anymore; who cares if it was financially comfortable? Who cares about the stuff we acquired together? I talked to him. I told him my position, but I was completely unequivocal about it: either you step up and start meeting me halfway, or I'm leaving. His response? "It looks like you have a big decision to make."

So I left.

I spent that night on the couch we bought together, barely sleeping, looking around at the life we created. But the next morning, I got up, I went to work, I found an apartment (truly lucked into an apartment, actually), and over the weekend moved everything out. We've only spoken to the extent of exchanging perfunctory emails about disentangling our expenses, the car we bought together, etc. I moved out with only with the items that already belonged to me or he had given me as gifts. I left everything else.

And now I live in an apartment in Koreatown, near downtown LA. It's been a few months now, and there are good days and bad days. More bad days, if I'm honest. The drinking felt out of control, the eating, all of it felt out of control, no matter how badly I was trying to keep it together - to see this as an adventure, as a good decision. It was only after a night when I was out bar hopping with friends and literally got falling down drunk (and the next day could not remember parts of the evening), that I realized that I desperately needed to get back to myself, and really work on getting healthy again, not comatose.

So here I am again, just asking for help and support. I weighed myself this morning - 177 - SIGH. I'm still determined to get down to my original goal weight of 150 (although would be happy to be 150-155), and I'm starting to look into plastics. I rid my apartment of all the alcohol, random leftover Christmas sweets, and plain just crap food. I'm ready to start over, but I need help. I've never really lived on my own in my life. This is the first time I've ever been completely responsible only for myself. On the good days, it's exciting and daunting, but I'm up for the challenge. My biggest problem is the bad days. I HATE that I've worked SO HARD for this surgery, to lose this weight, and my first instinct is STILL to turn to food or alcohol to get rid of this pain and anxiety.

I could keep writing; lord knows it's been cathartic, and once I got started, it's been easier to write than I thought, but wow, this is a monster of a post.

Thanks everyone, for reading, for listening. I'm back, and really ready to make this final push to get my life on track. Finally.

JenBear7 · 01-27-2008, 09:46 AM

Welcome back Amanda... I remember saying way back in July that you and I were starting new lives on the same day (I think you must have started that job 7/9.. but I could be wrong).. Life has been crazy for you.. and I have no sage advice.. just some long distance hugz. I truly hope things turn around smoothly for you. You are on the right track, and that must make you feel good.. and proud of yourself! I am proud of you for taking the steps you have!

coptergirl · 01-27-2008, 10:05 AM

Amanda - Do you that I was thinking of you just the other day?! I am so glad you are back with us, hon...you have been missed.

Know what? Life doles out the shits sometimes, and it sounds like 2007 was just as hard for you as it was for me. Know what? Life can also be healing, and it seems as if you have taken so many important steps into the positive healing of YOU. Now is the time to become friends with Amanda and know what her likes and dislikes are in life, to learn about the types of folks you want to be with - both friends and otherwise. Sounds also like a great time to reconnect with your family since Alex seems to not have had a lot to do with family things since he didn't "do holidays" (thats something I knew about him, and always thought strange). This is an adventure in rediscovering YOU. I am really sorry you have had to go through so much this year - doesn't seem like it when you're in the midst of it, in respect to Alex, it sounds as if he was "getting the milk for free" so to speak in not making a commitment to you. I am proud of you sticking up for yourself and sticking to your guns. You have also been through tons with a major job change. Wowzers - what gumption you have, love. I hope you see it as that and are proud of the changes you have made. Scarey? Hell yes!! I am telling you from experience that as you look back, you will see that bigger doors will open for you in your life since this window was shut.

Not sure if you still have my number or not, but you are welcome to call me (I am in Colorado right now with my mom, so reception is bad if at all...will be home Monday night), or PM me for my number and we can chat. I am no longer in Cali, though - I am in Western New York...yep changes have occurred in my world too

I am glad you came back to us, love - we are here for you in any way that we can help!

CeeCee · 01-27-2008, 11:47 AM

I'm sorry to hear you have been having such an insane time! On the other hand, it also sounds like you are heading into a very exciting time in your life. In a way, I'm kind of jealous. Hot new job, hot new bod (and getting hotter!) Whitney pretty much said it all, but I would re-emphasize the part about reconnectiong with your family; it's amazing how important they become as you get older and even more independent. It's pretty neat to realize you can choose to be with them.
Come back here anytime, you know you're always welcome! At the end of a stressful day, TT can be a good way to unload and unwind; it's FF, SF, and non-alcoholic! I'm looking forward to more posts from you, as I learned a lot from you when I joined over a year ago. Good luck!

LyndasRoom · 01-27-2008, 07:23 PM

Amanda...
It's so good to see you posting again, and to hear that you are getting yourself back to basics to try to find what makes you happy. Sometimes the hardest part is figuring out what indeed will make you happy. I'm so glad your job change has been a positive move for the most part, and that you are surrounded by people who will be there for support,k as we are here. Again, I'm so happy to see you here...you know you can always come here for support and a big ole HUG!

Duckie · 01-28-2008, 03:35 PM

Amanda, I am SO PROUD OF YOU! (I have thought of you often and wondered where you were!!) You don't need a man like that in your life. He is SELFISH!
You will get through these changes hon. You are a very strong woman. Take the time to get to know yourself sweetie. You will find the wonderful, adorable, strong, sweet, loving woman that we see!

MiladyB · 01-28-2008, 03:46 PM

Amanda, so good to see you posting again, sweetie. It sounds like you have had a rough year but I see a strength coming out in you despite all of the struggles. Emotionally you are still learning, like many of us. We feel the pain on a level that we didn't before because before we would drug ourselves and bury it with food. It is a well learned pattern and one that takes a long time to break as you have probably recognized in yourself. You aren't the only one who struggles but don't be afraid of those struggles because we can come through. Just recognizing them is the first step, which you have done and you have already taken action. I'm proud of you for that! I really am! Don't be afraid of the emotional roller coaster, embrace it just like you embraced your weight loss after the surgery. There is no way around it than to go through it but there is peace and happiness on the other side. I'm sure of it!