Just need to vent...pretty long - ThinnerTimes

Midntsgirl · 06-15-2004, 10:18 AM

Hello all. Hope this post finds everyone well and healthy! Here I am at 13 days out and I have already lost 19 1/2 pounds. I can feel my clothes getting more and more loose and people say they can see a difference. I see a difference too...I HAVE ANKLES AGAIN!!! LOL But I am dealing with two personal issues, both having to do with my two best friends in the world. And both dealing with addictions.
One friend I have has been my best friend for 12 years and is severely overweight. Ever since I started this journey, she and I have seemed to grow apart. When my surgery was approved and I had a date scheduled she said she was extreamly jealous of me. I keep trying to tell her to start the ball rolling and I'll be there for her, but she keeps coming up with excuses as to why she can't. This is really frustrating because she doesn't want to hear about my success and I really want to share it with her. Is there anyway to get through to her so she doesn't see my success as a threat to our friendship??
The other one is a bit more delicate. This friend I have had for almost two years and I simply don't feel complete without him in my life. Which is why I am reaching out for advice instead of turning my back on him. I have a strong fear that he is into the drug scene pretty deep. I know he smokes pot on a pretty regular basis and I know that he has done crystal meth in the past, but he SWEARS to me that he has stopped using that. There is just something inside that won't let me believe him 100%. I don't know what it is...maybe his being secretive, or maybe his calling me nosy. He seems to get on edge when I'm at his house. He won't leave me in a room alone for more than a minute for fear of what?? I DON'T KNOW!! I just want to know A) How can I make him see that I'm here for him, reguardless of his drug use and B) How can I convince him that there's no future in the stuff??
Any and all advice on one friend, the other, or both will be GREATLY appreciated!! Thanks a bunch!

Blueyz · 06-15-2004, 10:28 AM

Hi Brenda,
That is a tough one. My ex-husband was a drug user and I can tell you I had a rough 7 years of marriage. It is very hard to change what a person is thinking while they are under the influence of drugs. No matter how much you love them and would like for them to change, they have to want to change. A person who uses drugs almost always denies it. I feel for you. I wish I had a solution for you, but mine was to leave my ex and make my environment a healthy and positive one. Good luck and I hope I don't sound harsh.
Take care and much luck.
Dale

bridgetgirl · 06-15-2004, 02:10 PM

I have the same thing going on on with two of my girlfriends regarding their reaction to my surgery. I work with one, I will call her X. X says things to me that are extremely hurtful, always pointing out the negative that frankly me or anyone else has seen yet. Oh your losing hair, oh you have hanging skin, oh it's a good time for yo to start doing sit ups, etc., etc. nevermind she is at least 100 pounds overweight herself. Her reaction when she found out that I was going to have the surgery was, "Great. Now I will be the only fat person working here!" I chalk it up to ignorance. I'm better than that, they say birds of a feather flock together, but I never was any more comfortable knowing I worked with someone else who was heavy!! The other gal, we will call her Y has been a friend since junior high school. (I am 31 now.) Her problem is, although at least 200 pounds overweight, doesnt really feel that she has a problem. She has exscuses, but these are the same women who are scared just because they never go to the doctor because they are fat. Being fat when we go to the doctor's office if we have an ache, a pain, an infection, whatever, losing weight is what always seems to be the answer for everything... it's embarassing. It's a life long cycle of embarassment and thats why she wont go. She is afraid someyhing bad or embarassing is going to happen. If she has stated that she would be interested but just hasnt begun the process, take her to support group meetings. She may find comfort in knowing that there are folks out there, perhaps even larger than your friend, are interested in the surgery as well. Some people are like that. My friend has an exscuse on why she wont even go to a meeting. But one day she will or one day I'll be at her funeral. Either way I will be there for her. Harsh as that sounds, what more can I do? Secondly your friend with the maybe drug problem... this is the way I look at relationships with my friends... I cant be a cheerleader for anybody. Sure you can be supportive and encouraging when needed, but to have to try to keep someone on the up and up all the time is stressful. My cousin had a drug problem and we, the family, just had to severe ties with him. After paying for rehab, intervention, etc., we just had to let go and let god. Unfortunately he hasnt come around, off from drugs. If you feel like he is still into it, he is. We are all born with instinct. Remember as hard as it may be, because you love him dearly, it only takes 2 weeks to rid yourself of a habit. Girlfriend, you are going to have ALOT of stressors as a result of this surgery... losing your food friend, reaction from peers, etc. you have enough on your plate as it is. If it were me, I would invite the friend to a meeting if she refuses dont bring it up again. You dont need to discuss your successes or failures with her, thats what we are here for. Do you think anybody I know, my friends outside this group care that my BMI is 30 or that I weigh almost as much as I told the DMV 15 years ago?! But the people here DO CARE. THEY ARE HAPPY FOR YOU! As for the friend on drugs, I say confront him, tell him how you feel and then go from there. This was alot of advice, I hope it helps. Contact me if you need anything!

lealphachienne · 06-15-2004, 08:18 PM

Wow, what a load to carry. I don't have any advice as I don't have any friends to share my journey with, other than my husband and those who read the posts. All I can write is that I support you in spirit and encourage you to keep strong and excited for yourself.

Christina · 06-16-2004, 04:54 AM

Brenda,

Wow I feel for ya girl. Bridget gave some great advice, however I must put my two cents worth in too..

As far as your friend who is overweight, my feeling is that nobody should push someone into this surgery.. it is a very personal decision. (Not saying you are pushing, just saying.. lol) Anyway, you could invite her to a meeting and maybe she could make her own decision or you could give her reading material and explain to her what you are going through. I know how much you want to "brag" after your surgery at your successes and achievements, however, I really don't think your friend appreciates it, I think she may actually feel as if you are putting her down or it could really hurt her feelings because she feels left behind. So maybe you could just not mention it for a while and see if she comes around and wants to talk about it?? I know my Mom, for instance, always gets really ticked off if I tell her "oh I lost another pound" she just gets ugly on me and says mean things to me or blows things out of proportion. She can't have the surgery, there is no surgeon that would do it with her medical history so she is angry at that. I feel bad so I just don't say anything more and once in a while she will say nice things like "I'm so proud of you, you look great!" That feels better then fighting with her. But that's my two cents.. hopefully you will figure it out. Please go to the support groups, it really does help.

As far as your friend who may or may not have a drug problem... this hits close to home for me too. My brother has been struggling with drugs for many years and has gone to prison for it as well. He is currently in jail for a DUI with accident (under the influence of meth) The accident nearly killed his best friend that he grew up with as well as himself. So even after going to jail several times since he was 17 years old, my father always gave in and allowed him back in the house to make it a flop house for all of his drug addict friends and what I refer to as the bag w's. *I'm sure everyone knows what the w stands for.. lol

This time though, he's done.. no support from his family. The last time I refused to visit or write him. He wrote me every week and I never wrote him back, tried the tough love thing, but of course my Mom won't have any part of the tough love program.. lol It's her baby afterall... sickening really but true. You just have to confront your friend and tell him that you cannot stand by and condone his addiction. Remember addiction is a disease, and when you talk to him or he is paranoid.. it isn't really him you are dealing with it is the drugs. Tell him you love him, but you are not going to stand by and watch him kill himself or anyone else over the drugs. Naturally he'll say he isn't doing them.. but sorry I thought even marijuana was a drug?? LOL And the key thing is stand by your word... Until he gets help, don't allow him in your life.. you have enough to deal with right now. Have an intervention if you have to but I don't know if those things really work..

Well I hope it helped a little.. good luck and know that we are here for you if you need us.. you don't have to go through this alone..

bridgetgirl · 06-29-2004, 10:26 AM

Alot of you are familiar with the "mean girl" at my office who says really lame/mean/unnecessary stuff to me..... in the past I would just shrug off her comments and try to down play compliments I receive around the office, for her sake (she is a big girl too) ... but guess how I am dealing with it now??????
I announce, I announce, I announce!! On Monday I came into work, weighed myself like I do every Monday... and this time instead of quietly passing her and returning to my office I yelled, "Waaa hoooo ! Guess who weighs 205 pounds?! Un huh un huh un huh ...

I lost 6 pounds last week can you believe it?! Man!!"
Although that may sound cruel to rub it in.... it felt great to shout it! So far, no trash taking from her........ I just had to let you guys know....

Have a great day!

Americanwoman397 · 06-29-2004, 11:17 AM

Bridget
I would have done the same thing. You can only take someone being mean so long before you want to just rub it in there face. You look great girl and I can't wait until I'm on the other side with you. Don't worry you were not being mean she should have been a better friend through all of this. Have a great day and hope to see you on Thursday. Congrats on all the weight loss.

XOXO

brutherford · 06-29-2004, 03:17 PM

You all gave excellent advice to Midntsgirl... so I'm not going to add to that... but I had to say that Bridget rocks my world!!

I cannot believe you did that, mainly because it would have never occurred to me! I am so proud of you for standing up to her - that was incredibly brave and daring. You deserve to be congratulated for doing such an incredible job! YOU ROCK, BRIDGET!!

Tonya's Mom · 06-29-2004, 03:37 PM

Way to go Bridget let her have it...she gets what she deserves...and enjoy every minute of it!

Tonya's Mom · 06-29-2004, 03:40 PM

I saw this and had to post....Have a great day everyone!

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