Being Uncomfortable With Happiness - ThinnerTimes

brutherford · 03-22-2005, 10:02 PM

Well, I’m still trying to get used to my new life

Nothing’s wrong, I’m happy as a clam and have everything that I could ever want… but that is precisely “the problem.” I’m so used to being dissatisfied, either with myself or something in my life, so this new happiness is actually disturbing in many aspects. My psyche keeps trying to find things wrong, questioning things, making me insecure. I understand why it’s flailing about – essentially, I’ve put my unhappy self out of a job and it’s dying to be re-employed. Even though it’s uncomfortable, I know that I’m so much better than I used to be emotionally – instead of following my psyche down all the dangerous paths it wants to wander, I just try and sit back and watch it objectively. Perfect example: my boyfriend (he he) Matt and I usually have dinner together each evening because we’re both on the night shift here at work. He’s here like clockwork at 7 each evening, but tonight didn’t show up. So, I call him at 7:15 and find out he’s stuck behind the service desk and swamped – I know from talking to him earlier that he hasn’t eaten all day, so I offer to pick up something for him because I have to go out anyway. I step out of the building and what was a beautiful, lightly cloudy but sunny day has turned into a cold, wet, rainy mess. I’m instantly ticked and start to think, “What the hell am I doing out here in the rain getting some guy his dinner?” My psyche gets all excited over finally having something to tear apart in the Matt department and starts in: it’s only dinner tonight, but what else will you be taking care of in the future? Why are you again taking care of another man? Why are you out here in the cold rain, getting a cold in your sandals and skirt with the slit up past your knees? It’s only your fault if you catch a cold because you had to wear that "slutty" outfit… blah blah blah Now, in the past, I would have not only entertained all of these thoughts but encouraged them and then taken it out on Matt when I returned with his dinner. I’d resent the hell out of him and be angry at myself to boot. But tonight (and I’m so freaking proud of myself that I am glowing like a lamp), I just listened passively to all that negativity, had a few chuckles at the more outrageous ones, filled my car with gas, picked up a sandwich for Matt at Subway, and came back and handed it to him. He gave me this look that said, “If we weren’t here at work, I would throw you on the ground and kiss you,” and said, “Thank you so much, you’re awesome.” I smiled, said, “I know,” and walked back to the employee lounge to eat my own lunch.

Wow, that was long-winded… but I hope it gives you an idea of things. I’m finally happy for the first time in my life, but that certainly doesn’t mean everything’s perfect. My relationship with Matt is really helping me with so many things – my body image, my confidence, my trust in men and relationships, my recent departure from the belief that a relationship has to be chaotic or dramatic… I realized this weekend that I’m falling in love with him, but the funny thing is that he and I are exactly alike in so many ways so I realize that I’m also falling in love with myself. I can’t tell you how incredibly amazing and beautiful that feels. I’ve hated myself for 33 years, and while it’s scary to undergo such tremendous change, it’s like having the weight of the world lifted from your shoulders.

I share all these things because they really are repercussions of the surgery. Many who have had the surgery did not adequately deal with their emotional issues prior to the surgery and are now returning to therapy and trying to figure out why they’re sabotaging themselves by either not reaching their weight loss goals, gaining weight back, or taking on new unhealthy habits to substitute for food (alcohol seems to be the most popular substitute.) I still have food issues – snacking is hard for me and something that I automatically do under stress, and all of the changes in my life have been stressful, even the good ones. But the difference is that I’ve trained myself to be incredibly conscious of those things – it’s taken me years to get it under some semblance of control and it’s only been through self-help and therapy that I’ve been able to do it. I feel so bad for my friends who after surgery and significant weight loss are only starting to deal with this stuff – they’re going to be on a weight loss and gain roller coaster until they’ve dealt with it, and that will work them over emotionally in a way that I can’t even imagine. So, please, please, please look at your emotional health when considering the surgery – if you have any hesitation about whether you have unresolved issues, work on them until you feel they’re under control THEN consider the surgery.

Life change on the scale that we are all experiencing is very difficult to deal with, even when the changes are good and you're happy. We all need to pay focused attention to the fact that there were reasons we were morbidly obese, and losing weight will not make those reasons go away. In addition, when your life starts to change you will experience new levels of stress and adjustment to change and you need to be prepared to deal with it... without the aid of food or other self-destructive means.

Blueyz · 03-22-2005, 10:30 PM

I am so happy for you and Matt. You sound so happy and I am proud of you for being such a strong lady. I always enjoy your posts. One of these days, I will finally meet you.

pambragg · 03-23-2005, 07:40 AM

Barb,
Thanks for sharing this with us. I paid particularly close to the last part, dealing with issues. I have put this off for too long. I have decided to quit procrastinating and get my ass in gear and find a psychologist that I am comfortable with....anyone have any suggestions? I find myself sabotaging my sucess thus far and it scares the crap out of me. Thanks again for the push I needed. By the way, I am so danged happy for you and your happiness I could just piddle! Love you girl!

Americanwoman397 · 03-23-2005, 08:55 AM

Barbara

Congrats on all the postive changes in your life. You are such a wonderful woman and so postive for all of us. I really hope people who are thinking about this surgery read this and really listen to you. I've been in therapy since about 4 weeks after surgery and it has been the best thing for me. I've come along way but still have a lot to go through. You know reading your post always help to. One thing you said a while back that has always stuck with me is something about looking good in your clothes and no one really seeing you out side of them. That has stuck with me since I read it and I'm finally getting it. I was in my dad's wedding over the weekend and looking at pics now I've actually said a couple of times wow I look good. I'm starting to really like what I see and except that I'm a good looking woman. Wow I can't believe I just sad that. You are so wonderful.

Love you girl.

bridgetgirl · 03-23-2005, 09:37 AM

Your post was awesome Barb... it is cool that you let the "newbies" know what to expect. I learned the hard way, I really dont think there is anough emphasis on the emotional stuff that we endure along that first year of "transforamtion." Perhaps it would be ideal to suggest to Dr Callery that there should be an "emotional" class that pre ops have to take, where post ops share the emotional ups and downs, and hear that support and therapy should be mandatory.
I have found myself on so many occassions... alone on my island. Im free, yet I feel trapped. Sabotage? I dont feel as though I am doing that, however as you said we struggle with being dissatisfied for most of our lives, so when we hit our "goal(s)" Its like, "what in the heck am I supposed to do now?" i was so use to NOT being the hot girl, NOT being the life of the party, NOT having a healthy weight, NOT being outgoing, NOT being sexy..... now I am those things (whether I like it or not) and now what do I do? For the first time in life Im not struggling to "just lose 20 lbs"... Im here, now what do I do? Finally Im attractive to everybody... what do I do now, how do I act? I was so use to being invisible, now Im not... and so on and so forth. For a few months I found myself comforting myself with perscription pain killers, there is nothing soothing about an addiction... I became aware of this and stopped taking them and been free from them for 6 weeks. Since realing my problem and recognizing my co dependent personality and just letting go, I have never felt better in my ENTIRE life.

I picked up LADIES HOME JOURNAL MAGAZINE yesterday, it has so many awesome articles in it that I really enjoyed. I suggest you pick up a copy, it will light you up or browse on line, Im not sure if they publish the same articles online as well. I assure you, you will enjoy the read.

Thanks again barb for bringing all of this to light... you are preaching to the prior here girl..... I hope the newbies dont go into a state of denial thinking that they will not be affected......

NEWBIES/PREOPS: EVERYONE IS GOING TO GO THROUGH THESE THINGS-MARK OUR WORDS! Stick to support and get a therapist...... just because, it certainly wont do you any harm, and who doesnt like to have someone to complain to every now and again?

lealphachienne · 03-23-2005, 09:41 AM

Wow, well said Barb. You have such a way with words.

Can you write my English Comp assignments for me

brutherford · 03-23-2005, 05:28 PM

Dale, Pam, Tonya, Bridget, and itty-bitty Marie

:

I'm so glad you ladies got something out of that post. It's hard to articulate, you know? So many things change with the surgery and people don't understand that even good changes bring about a lot of stress. Bridget's mini-rant about "what am I supposed to do" is completely right on... We don't have any experience with this stuff and flail around a little bit trying to figure our way out.

Dale: I can't wait to meet you too! When?!

Pam: I'm so proud of you! Therapy will be difficult at first but it's worth the time, effort, and any money you may have to spend. Be sure to reach out to us individually and on the forum to help you process the things you learn through therapy - we're your support network and we're a darn good one! I've referred several WLS patients to my therapist - she's awesome, competitively priced, knows all about WLS, and has helped me through some MAJOR icky stuff over the past 2.5 years: Kathy Gilbert, 619-574-0677. Whomever you decide to see, check out if they do EMDR - you can research it on the Internet and of all the things that I tried to help me through the bigger issues EMDR was by far the BEST. It totally changed my life. Good luck, sweetie

Tonya: I'm so proud of you, sweetie! You're doing great... keep up the good work. You are an amazing, beautiful woman - believe it!

Bridget: What can I say? "You're a beautiful princess!" Love you, B

Marie: Only if you can pay me

I'm re-starting my MBA in the Fall, so if you want help, you gotta ask before September!

watergirl · 03-23-2005, 06:00 PM

I'm so PROUD of you! What a great realization and expression of your journey! You have done some hard work. Work that is scary to touch or dare go into. I can't express in words how proud I am of you. You deserve all the happiness in the world, and then some! You've done the work to be where you are today. Congratulations my dear friend! I love you to pieces!

And you know what, I'll bet money that Matt would do the same for you! That is,, to go get you a sandwich in the rain/snow storm.

LAD · 03-23-2005, 06:55 PM

Barb,
Thank you for your wisdom and for sharing it. I'm a newbie and know I have issues to deal with. Whenever I lost weight in the past I would stop at the point where I started getting attention. Gotta deal with those core beliefs.
What is EMDR?