Update on my crazy life, major changes - ThinnerTimes

Nette72 · 12-22-2007, 09:27 AM

Hello hope everyone is doing well. I have been away for awhile now due to major things going on in my life. I have missed you all and have tried to get on here every now and thing but I have not been able to respond. Anyways, I can't stay any longer and I have realized I can't do this on my own and really need someone to talk to.

Some of you know my DH and I were having some problems and I had approached him about counseling and he said no I was the one with the problem and therefore I need counseling. I never went, it takes 2 to figure things out and I am so tired of hearing from him how I have changed.

So November 25th my 2 kids and I left my husband, we got an apartment and are now living closer to my work and school so that is good. We have decided to get a divorce, I have filed all the paper work and now I am just waiting for everything to be over.

My emotions have gone wild, sometimes I feel as if I have none at all, I am just stone cold which is strange because I have always been a very emotional person.

I have realized that although i love my husband I am no longer in love with him. I look at him and have no feelings, very odd. I feel uncomfortable around him and he hasn't done anything to make me feel that way. We have been fighting over alot of different things. One day he hates me the next he loves me. He told me he never wanted to see me again and blah blah blah, but then out of the blue he said he wanted to fight for me and he loves. I know he is going through alot also.

The more I think about things the more I believe I settled for him. We have been together for 15 years, don't get me wrong he is a wonderful guy, i couldn't ask for anything better than him. I was 19 and he liked me and we clicked and I think i thought wow i would never find anyone else that would love me like him and we stayed together, got married and had kids.

Since I have had surgery, I have become more confident in myself and have realized I don't need a man to be dependent on. I can do things myself, I will survive. There is life after surgery and I can't believe all the things I have missed out on. I feel so good about myself and the way I look. I am content just being with my kids and raising them the best I can. I feel bad, I really do, I am the cause of all the problems. I wish things didn't have to happen as they have but it did and now it is time for me to move on and make the best of this situation.

There is someone else in my life although they are 1800 miles away and we just talk alot on the phone. He has been a good friend to me which I really appreciate. It hasn't been all good, but it has been a learning experience. My husband thinks I left him because of this guy, which I didn't. I needed my independence and I really felt there wasn't anything there between us anymore, we just existed together. No talking, very little sex, he did his thing and I did mine. Kids took alot of our time which is very normal but there was never any us time and we drifted apart. He told me he got tired of things too.

I just don't know anything anymore. I feel numb inside when it comes to emotions. I feel lost sometimes not sure what to do, if it wasn't for my kids I don't know what I would do. They mean the world to me and they are my priority. That is all I need my babies. Men come and go and for me right now I don't need them in my life. I need to work on me and what is right for me to be happy along with kids.

So that has been a little bit of my life. As for the weight loss, well I am down 89lbs. at 224.5 as of this morning which is a shock. I had a little stall, thankfully have gotten over that. I am wearing 1x shirts which is wow and for pants either 14 or 16w, which is great going from a 3x and 24-26w pants.
The sagging sink, yuck, I wish i could make that go away, boy do i ever feel self concious about that. But I keep plugging along, doing what I need to do for me and my family.

I truly believe it will all work out for the best in the end. As for now I take it one day at a time and hope for the best everyday. We will survive this I have no doubt, it will just take time.

Thanks for listening to me, I just needed and outlet and really have no one to talk to. My family has pretty much disowned me since I left my husband, none of them talk to me anymore they all think I ruined THEIR lives. It is all about them and how i messed everything up. So for xmas eve, my DH is taking the kids and going to my dad's to spend it with them, I am not going, I am not welcomed and I really don't want to put myself in that situation. I will the kids xmas day which is good.

So anyways, Merry Christmas to everyone and thank you for just letting me vent a little.

Duckie · 12-22-2007, 09:43 AM

Nette honey. Feel free to vent here anytime. You are part of THIS family. You will ALWAYS be part of this family. You can laugh, you can cry, you can scream and stomp your feet. We don't care.
As for what you are going through. I'm sorry that you are feeling so confused and sad. I do believe however that you have made the right decision based on what you have told us. You have every right to be happy. Happy for you, for no one else. You don't not have to live to make others happy. We have all done this all of our lives cuz we felt so bad about ourselves.
Go forth. Be happy. Do what you need to do for you and the kids. We will NEVER fault you for this hon. We love you.
{{{{{{{Nette}}}}}}}
Oh, and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Claire-in-Texas · 12-22-2007, 12:24 PM

Ronette, I can so relate to all you are going through, complete with being shunned by family.

I would comfort myself by saying to myself that if I make things good for me, then the kids willl be fine. And that was the best advice I ever gave myself. A happy and liberated mother is a gift to your children.

And when I say "liberated," I am not talking necessarily about divorce. I am talking about being liberated as a human being.

I am so glad you posted, Ronette! As Michelle said, you are a member of THIS family, and we are always here for you.

HUGS!

Gina in NY · 12-22-2007, 02:31 PM

This sounds somewhat familiar. I too found myself looking at my husband like he was an eggplant. You know, no reaction at all. he is a wonderful man, had some issues with depression, but telling him our marriage was over is the best thing I ever did for him. He's started working again (it has been a couple years) is seeing a therapist - he's really getting himself back together and we get along great, but still, no blood racing, no passion, no fire.

For me, that is not a way to live. I have to have it, or I'll have nothing at all. DH and I are separated, but since he's only been working for three weeks or so, we have to live in the same house. (he can't afford to move out yet)This actually works really well as he works at night and I during the day - we see eachother enough to keep the family/kids/shopping/laundry etc. organized, but we don't get on eachothers' nerves.

What I really want to say to you is that when you are true to yourself - when you are treating yourself well, the rest falls into place. You do and will, as I do and will, have times of being very down, or numb. It is hard to adjust to such a different way of living, but don't forget, it is your choice not to live a lie - not to pretend you love a man that you feel nothing for. This is very courageous. This means you have integrity and an inner strength that is teaching your children that they must respect themselves. It is good for everyone - even your DH - who is, in fact, as miserable as you are. No one wants to live in a love-less relationship. When family abandons you, as my sister has me, it is because you have touched a nerve. Your refusal to live in an unhappy relationship makes them think, "well I'm unhappy, but I'm staying" and that can be hard for them to face. You are a constant reminder that they are settling. Not comfortable for them. (could be other things too,but this one is what I'm dealing with)

The fact is that it takes practice to do this loneliness thing well. I haven't mastered it, but I will say, niether have I given into shallow, unfullfilling relationships. Watch out there. You're vulnerable.

Funny, I too have a long distance male friend who I am very close to, but don't let that confuse you either. He is not the answer - the relationship is easy but unreal. It could be very different if you were actually together.

You have to stay with yourself now. Keep growing, keep going and look in the mirror and respect the woman who has shaken up the world to get what she wants and deserves. You deserve a lot of respect - especially from yourself.

Claire-in-Texas · 12-22-2007, 03:01 PM

Gina, I am very moved by the power of your message....

kittens4 · 12-23-2007, 10:13 AM

I'm sorry you are going through all this. It's a lot to deal with, especially with children. Sounds like you are doing what's best for you and your children, and making the changes necessary to better your situation. I am sorry that your family is treating you so badly. I can't believe they would want you to stay in a relationship that you aren't happy in! It makes no sense. Life is too short. Stick to your guns, and do what's right for you, the others will just have to deal with it, or not. It's not your problem, it's theirs. I'm glad you came back to the forum.

bubbasmama · 12-23-2007, 01:45 PM

Ronette your post could have been written by many of us.Some of us just aren't brave enough to do anything about it.Please keep posting and listening to Duckie and Gina.Wow!!!Barb

sdgrrl · 12-23-2007, 03:20 PM

Ronnette,
I'm so sorry that your own fam is treating your husband better than their own blood. And at the holidays! This is such a ball-buster time of the year as it is, to add to the misery is awful.

Gina and Duckie are seriously wise women, and Gina is dead-on-balls-accurate. Do what you need to do for you, and the rest will follow. Your kids will not be destroyed by a 'broken home', they will instead be stronger by seeing their mom change and grow, much like a tree that can bend in the storm without being broken. Kids need to know that stuff happens and Mommy and Daddy sometimes are better when they don't live together. The part they DON"T need to know is Mommy and Daddy insulting, injuring, abusing, and hurting each other and/or sensing that they are the cause of the split.

You're going to be okay, it's the here and now that sucks and swallows. Hang on, Sweetheart!

porshh951 · 12-29-2007, 07:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gina in NY

This sounds somewhat familiar. I too found myself looking at my husband like he was an eggplant. You know, no reaction at all. he is a wonderful man, had some issues with depression, but telling him our marriage was over is the best thing I ever did for him. He's started working again (it has been a couple years) is seeing a therapist - he's really getting himself back together and we get along great, but still, no blood racing, no passion, no fire.

For me, that is not a way to live. I have to have it, or I'll have nothing at all. DH and I are separated, but since he's only been working for three weeks or so, we have to live in the same house. (he can't afford to move out yet)This actually works really well as he works at night and I during the day - we see eachother enough to keep the family/kids/shopping/laundry etc. organized, but we don't get on eachothers' nerves.

What I really want to say to you is that when you are true to yourself - when you are treating yourself well, the rest falls into place. You do and will, as I do and will, have times of being very down, or numb. It is hard to adjust to such a different way of living, but don't forget, it is your choice not to live a lie - not to pretend you love a man that you feel nothing for. This is very courageous. This means you have integrity and an inner strength that is teaching your children that they must respect themselves. It is good for everyone - even your DH - who is, in fact, as miserable as you are. No one wants to live in a love-less relationship. When family abandons you, as my sister has me, it is because you have touched a nerve. Your refusal to live in an unhappy relationship makes them think, "well I'm unhappy, but I'm staying" and that can be hard for them to face. You are a constant reminder that they are settling. Not comfortable for them. (could be other things too,but this one is what I'm dealing with)

The fact is that it takes practice to do this loneliness thing well. I haven't mastered it, but I will say, niether have I given into shallow, unfullfilling relationships. Watch out there. You're vulnerable.

Funny, I too have a long distance male friend who I am very close to, but don't let that confuse you either. He is not the answer - the relationship is easy but unreal. It could be very different if you were actually together.

You have to stay with yourself now. Keep growing, keep going and look in the mirror and respect the woman who has shaken up the world to get what she wants and deserves. You deserve a lot of respect - especially from yourself.

I just simply wanted to quote what was absolute prophetic truth.