Ok I sent my Mom an email--Long - ThinnerTimes

Jeri · 10-28-2007, 04:24 AM

I know some of you remember the thread I posted a few weeks ago about the issues I have with my family and that finally after 40 years of crap I decided enough already. For some reason unbeknownst to me my Mom and my sister both stopped communicating with me. I didn't bother to try and find out why. My brother & I stopped talking years ago. Them staying out of my life has given me sanity & peace. Which doesn't surprise me.

I grew up in a horribly messed up family. My dad was an alcoholic & a mean one. But he got cancer from Agent Orange (Viet Nam did NOT improve his demeanor nor his drinking, believe you me). Came back meaner & more of a drinker. He died when I was 13. I thought the insanity would be over. LOL I was a kid...what did I know. My mom, it turns out, was as mean as my dad. She took over the role of the abuser in the household. And to this day...30+ years later blames my dad for the state of her world. No one in my family, except me, acknowledges the fact that growing up that way messes you up & you have to work really hard to get past it. My Mom never told my aunt (her sister who recently passed) that my dad was an alcoholic!!! Still I have issues...hence being so overweight I need WLS.

Anywho....it was hard when they stopped talking to me. They are, after all, my family good or bad. I love them. BUT....it's been so nice, even though it's been a tad lonely. No fighting. No having to act like who I'm not to avoid conflict. No forcing myself to go visit my Mom who is just an unhappy, miserable woman. No having to play a role in the "our family is wonderful--we have no problems' game that they play. I know this all sounds like bitterness...I am a little I guess. It's hard to understand why a woman--even one as messed up as my Mom--would just stop talking to her kid and never say boo about why. I'm still looking for that Mom I don't have.

So I sent her an email about my surgery. My daughter says my mom "is worried". So I told her not to worry. I would be fine. I asked her how she could just stop talking to me and then tell my daughter that she doesn't know why I stopped talking to her. I laid out some things I don't miss about being a part of that family...did it in a nice way but some things have to be said when going into major surgery right? I wasn't ugly but was uprfront. Told her I didn't miss the insanity that she caused me.

So...here I sit. Glad I sent it. Now totally afraid she's going to come back and verbally try to take me out. She can be so mean. I had to send that email. If something happens to me (I know it won't...but I have to prepare just in case) she needs to know that I found peace after the years of pain I allowed her to impose on me because she's my Mom.

Ok done. here. Thanks for letting me vent this out.

Andie · 10-28-2007, 08:25 AM

I'm glad you got your feelings out! It helps sometimes! Huggles!

MiladyB · 10-28-2007, 09:04 AM

jeri, I feel what you did was one of the best things you could have done for your own inner healing. Though my situation wasn't even close to as bad as yours my Mom and I didn't always have the best relationship. It always felt rather tension filled. I had to come to the point in my life that I had to accept that my Mom is human and she did the best that she could within the circumstances. Once I came to face with that it relieved so much pressure on me. It was the first step in learning to love the person that I am and to show myself that I was worth loving and taking care of. That was the point that I aggressively started moving forward towards my wls.

If she reacts in a mean way try to realize that it is her problem, not yours. You are not the reason for the way that she acts and you won't be able to fi it. But also try to look past the meaness, forgive her and realize she is giving you the best that she can within the circumstances that she has found herself. In her way I think she loves you but she just doesn't know how to show it in a healthy way. She needs to find her own health, just like you do and you've taken that step with your email.

Jeri · 10-28-2007, 09:13 AM

I totally agree with you, Beth, but she won't change. She has given up, unfortunately. I believe that is where so much of my anger comes from. Even through all the crud that went on between us & the abusiveness she was a fighter & one of the strongest people I knew. I knew somewhere in there she loved me. I knew she had done the best she could under the circumstances...then one day she just gave up. The fight was gone. That has been at least 10 years now--probably longer---but when that switch got flipped she became a different person. No longer my Mom, but this mean, angry bitter person. I just don't know.

That email was my step to forgiving her. Something I have been working on for what seems like forever now. I love her & miss who she was.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MiladyB

jeri, I feel what you did was one of the best things you could have done for your own inner healing. Though my situation wasn't even close to as bad as yours my Mom and I didn't always have the best relationship. It always felt rather tension filled. I had to come to the point in my life that I had to accept that my Mom is human and she did the best that she could within the circumstances. Once I came to face with that it relieved so much pressure on me. It was the first step in learning to love the person that I am and to show myself that I was worth loving and taking care of. That was the point that I aggressively started moving forward towards my wls.

If she reacts in a mean way try to realize that it is her problem, not yours. You are not the reason for the way that she acts and you won't be able to fi it. But also try to look past the meaness, forgive her and realize she is giving you the best that she can within the circumstances that she has found herself. In her way I think she loves you but she just doesn't know how to show it in a healthy way. She needs to find her own health, just like you do and you've taken that step with your email.

flyerzfan17 · 10-28-2007, 12:14 PM

Jeri, I feel you did what had to be done, what was best for you. I can't even begin to imagine what you have been going through with your mom. Me and my mom are so close. But you needed closure on that before your surgery. I hope your mom understands that and realizes what she has lost. Hopefully, this will make amends and you can have somewhat of a relationship.

flyerzfan17 · 10-28-2007, 12:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jeri

If something happens to me (I know it won't...but I have to prepare just in case)

I said just the same thing to my husband last night. We don't have children but I have 7 nieces and nephews from my siblings that I am very close to. I told Mark that I have to go see the kids on Sunday because if something happens I want to know that they saw their Titi Dawn one last time. He told me to shut the h*ll up, nothing is going to happen. But like you said, Jeri, I have to prepare. So we're going to my mom's at 5 and all my siblings and their family will be there.

LyndasRoom · 10-28-2007, 12:51 PM

Jeri,
I haven't read past your initial post. I think you did a very brave thing. I hope it will set you free and give you a certain sense of peace.

Jeri · 10-28-2007, 01:18 PM

So far, no reponse. That's a good thing. I did it to clear the air for my sake and really don't want to hear back.

janine · 10-28-2007, 04:01 PM

I too come from a disfunctional family. Alot of abuse, neglect, emotional termoil and now...denial. After leaving home abruptly at the age of 18 I stayed away from my parents for 7 years. I began to miss something about them and I just could not pin point it. I went to visite them with my 2 children and husband. I was embarrassed! All the hurtfullness and bad behavior was more than I could stand. All I wanted to do was go home. I fealt I had subjected my children to something terrible. I regreated the visite, yet 5 years later I began to have similar feelings. I missed something... I figured it's been years they may have mellowed with age and I wanted to have grandparents for my children. Maybe just maybe they would be different. I went to visite them once again, this time my husband stayed behind. What a disaster! my youngest was just starting kindergarden that year, on grandparents day the class was asked to draw a picture of there grandparents. Little Brian drew a picture of man in red with devil horns... and next to him was an angel with a hallow. The school teacher emediately had a conference with me. I had to tell her, "he went to visit his grandparents over the summer for the first time, I'm sorry to say but my father is the closest thing to the devil he has ever seen. The picture is appropriate". I was embarrassed. But I knew, it wasn't healthy for any of my family to be around them ever!. It's been another 10 years and I have no contact with them. I've heard stories but I am not involved. So now I know... it is possible to miss something I never had.

Take a deep breath... you are doing the right thing. Take care of yourself, if she comes around and is pleasent, let it be. If not, sometimes it's better to appreciate the things you have that are good, healthy, and feel good. love your husband, children and all those who are possitive in your life. They will lift you up, they may not replace the mother you never had but they will be your mentor, support and friends when you need them most.

Jeri · 10-29-2007, 01:11 AM

Well, the good news is she didn't try to take me out...the bad & not unexpected news is she has absolutely no clue what I'm talking about. Oh well...that's to be expected. She has never, ever acknowledged the things that she has done to hurt people in the past. No apologies, no nothing. I wasn't expecting it but for once it would be nice for her to take responsiblity for the stuff she's done. Oh well...can't get blood out of a turnip, right?

I don't know if I'll bother to respond or not. The first email may have been all I needed to say.