family and friends let me down - ThinnerTimes

janine · 10-27-2007, 04:54 AM

As some of you have read in the past my kids have really let me down. I was so disappointed when my daughter said, "nope" when I asked her if she'd be able to help me out some after the surgery is over. She started to say after a silent moment, "huh... because..". I cut her off and said "ya know what? it doesn't matter why your not going to be there for me. She needn't explain why". She said, "bye" and that was it. My son hasn't even called me to check on me. His girlfriend called and offered to come and stay with me but my son never picked up the phone.

They have been mad at me and my husband for several weeks prior to surgery because in our last family meeting we told them both that there marajuana habit causes conflicts with there lives.

My daughter was living with us at the time and I didn't want her influencing my youngest son anymore. So we asked her (19years old) to move out and she did the next day.

My son lives with his girlfriend hasn't had a job in over 8 months and has been enabled to live this way because he can. Ashley (the girlfriend) works full time and pays all the bills and also supplies the marajuana for him too. So at our family meeting it was brought up. "John, get off your ass and get a job" my dh said to him. Ashley said she didn't understand why John won't go to work. I told her, "Ashley he doesn't work because he's able not to. You provide all his needs and wants therefore he is quite content with your situation and as long as you enable him to stay home, he will and he's happy with that." "John, when Ashley gets tired of your sitting on your ass, you are not welcome to come home, without a job" neadless to say, John hasn't spoken to us since that dreadful day.

I guess I was trying to get my ducks in order at that time. I knew I'd be out of commission for a few weeks after surgery and wanted to make sure my youngest was out of there web. It has worked so far for my youngest who has absorbed himself into his school work. Brian (my youngest son) has been a doll prior to and since I've been home. He seems to enjoy the less termoil since Debbie and John have removed themselves from me.

My daughter came to get her mail yesterday. She didn't ask how I fealt or if I needed anything. Just wanted her mail. I had been gone since tuesday. Was released from the hospital on thursday and now on friday she wants to know where her mail is. As I lay in bed I told her, "I don't know.. you'll have to look around". My husband at the time was picking up my prescriptions. He came home while she was searching. She found the mail she was looking for and never even said goodbye.

All this is bothering me now. I know I gave them some tough love before surgery but now post surgery I wish they had some compassion. I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself. It may be for the best that they are removed because they cause alot of emotional bagage for me but still I wish at least my kids would be there for me when I needed them most.

I also have a dear friend (chad). He has been by my side through thick and thin and has been very incouraging. that is until last week. 2 days before surgery he told me he went out to dinner with some friends and they told some Janine jokes. I asked him what that was about and he said, "I told them you were having G.B. surgery and that I might have a girlfreind soon because when Janine looses all that weight, I gotta have some of that shit" I said, "Ya know, that really bothers me. I'm the joke. I'm not healthy, Chad, it's not funny." he said he didn't think my surgery was a secret and he said he told the guys, "her husband better watch out after she looses all that weight because I won't be able to keep my hands off of her." I was really bothered by these comments because it's like saying that I am so unattractive that I would never be attractive and it's all a big joke. he said he was sorry if it bothered me he thought it was a funny. so, after our conversation I thought I'd hear from him the night before I went in.. but no! He hasn't even called since I've been home. I expected more from him too. he's been such a good friend for a very long time. I don't have any other close friends and it hurts to be neglected by someone that has been the rock for so long.

My husband has been the strong one through all this and it's strange because it was he I thought was being unsupportive prior to surgery. It was him that I doubted would be there for me. Now my eyes are wide open. He's totally been my support. He stayed with me in the hospital. walked me and encouraged me to keep going. Now, he's taken another week off and will work from home just in case I need anything. So in writing this tears are in my eyes, rolling down my face because I had doubted the one person that was truely there for me.

I think I'm having the post surgery blues...

Toony · 10-27-2007, 05:44 AM

Janine... I'm so sorry your family has let you down at this point in time... How old are your kids anyway?

Your DH has proven himself, huh? I don't know how long you've been married, but you come to a point in like where you just "live together" and take so much for granted... A kick in the butt (like your surgery) snaps one back to reality: I really love my wife(husband)! I know, I've been there with my DH a number of times!!! Too bad it didn't work with your kids...

Your buddy?! Well, I'm sure he had no idea how hurtful his banter with his friends was... You are not doing this to become a "Hot Momma!" and that's all the outside world seems to think this is about... and that is sickening! I hope he gets educated on what this EXTREME surgery is all about... and comes around to support you.

Meanwhile --- You've got your husband... "In sickness and in health" --- his attention to you now will come back to him ten-fold!!!

HUGS
katie

Jeri · 10-27-2007, 05:54 AM

Janine I really don't know what to say except I'm sorry. So many emotional, hard things to deal with before & after surgery.

I'm so glad you have such a good supportive husband. {{{{HUGS}}}}

kittens4 · 10-27-2007, 06:04 AM

Janine, I'm so sorry you are going through that crap! Congrats on your surgery though....and I'm glad your husband has been there for you. It's so important to have support. I remember being sooooo sick and having complications, and my husband, stepdaughter, and son-in-law were there for me very step of the way. From the seminar to the 3 hospitalizations, they never missed a beat!! We've always been a close family, but when you go through something like that, it really does bring you even closer. It sounds like your children are pretty wrapped up in her own drama, and aren't capable of getting past their own stuff to help you...which makes me sad. You don't get over stuff like that. When you asked for help, and your daughter refused, that hurt you deeply, I can tell by your post. Remember, what goes around, comes around!! It's hard to feel real perky right now, but soon, very soon, you will see that weight come off, you will have more energy, and feel better than you have in years!!!!! As for that Chad person...the one who said your husband better watch out....How disrespectful is that? Sounds pretty ghetto to me..and he'd better watch out, because if your husband finds out he said that, he might get his ass kicked!!! He doesn't sound like much of a friend if he's talking about you like that. Time for you to concentrate on you, and let the rest of them figure things out for themselves. You are better than them. Surgery blues will set in, so beware. I remember being sad, having problems sleeping, I was crying a lot, etc. etc. and I have a great job, great family, great life...but I did have complications, and even after a complication free surgery, it happens, so be prepared. If things get bad, come here, chat with us, but if things get too weird, see your doctor. I take 10mg Paxil in the morning, and .5 mg xanax in the evening, and that works for me. We are all different, but just be aware that the surgery blues are real, and they do happen to some of us. Read this forum....there is so much great information on here, and great people! We are here for you!!!

Claire-in-Texas · 10-27-2007, 06:28 AM

Janine, my heart goes out to you.

You feel absoluely awful, and understandably so.

First Chad - he is NOT your friend. Very immature, very callous.

Second, your children. Janine, you gave them a gift. It's hard to understand that now, or feel that it was a gift now, but believe me, later, you will be glad you put your mothering skills out there and said and did what needed to be said and done.

I am the mother of two adult daughters, and I have paid my dues as well. Now, they have teenagers of their own (the oldest is 19, youngest is 13), and they so understand why I said and did what I did. I felt responsible for their paths, and there were certain things I had to do and say. Did I make mistakes? Of course. But my children don't think so, and that's what is important to me.

Unfortunately, all of this happened to you at a critical time in your life, and you are hurting more because of that.

You and your husband are excellent parents. You gave your children a GIFT.

Gina in NY · 10-27-2007, 06:44 AM

I'm sorry it is so tough, but really, nothing you're saying is surprising. People are shockingly dishonest.

First, with your son who smokes pot - you can not ever expect a drug user/addict to act like a normal person. My brother is a recovering heroine addict, and let me tell you, given half a chance, he'll lie, let you down, hurt you etc. because it is in an addicts' nature to be selfish. I've never seen it any other way. I haven't written my brother off (again, this is after a few years of sobriety, you should have seen him when he was using!) and I enjoy his company when I'm with him, but there can never be an expectation that he will ever choose the "high road" in ANY situation. He is not capable of giving - he's an addict. Even an addict not using - it is often the same.

For your daughter and chad, people don't like having their bad behavior pointed out to them. It is embarrassing. They are hopefully, quite ashamed of themselves. Being with you is like putting a spot light on the fact that they have acted like bad people. Unfortunately, this discomfort is enough to keep them away. If they were strong, honest people, they'd come to you, say, "You know, I was a complete asshole and I am so sorry. Do you need anything?" But they are too busy licking their wounds and making you out to be the bad guy as you are the one who is honest and brave enough to speak the truth. You pointed the finger and showed them what they didn't want to see about themselves. Nope - most people don't like truth.

So - enjoy your hubby's attention - know you really don't need much else and try to see that everyone you are dealing with is in their own world. None of them (except your husband) is capable right now, of putting someone else's needs ahead of their own. Many very selfish people around you, but that isn't your fault. Let it go. You are launching into the power time of your life. Don't look back. Your kids will learn so much watching you go through this. Keep writing, know you have full support here, and enjoy! I mean, it is gonna suck sometimes, but you'll get through that. We all did!

MiladyB · 10-27-2007, 08:37 AM

Janine, I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time emotionally right now. The post-op blues are very real and hard to handle without all of the other crap you have thrown in. If it helps at all they are very normal so don't let those feelings scare you. Many of us struggled with feeling blue.

Listen to Gina. As usual she has shared some very good and valid thoughts so I really have very little to add to her wisdom. Just remember that the problems those around you are having are THEIR problems, not yours. YOU are NOT the cause of them and YOU don't need to be the one to fix them. Right now it is important to concentrate on YOU and YOU alone. I'm sure it feels selfish, but it isn't. This is your health and future that we are talking about and your are becoming healthy because you love yourself and you love those in your family. You want to be there for them for years to come.

I'm glad you have the support of your husband. Let him know how much his support means to you. Use this as that special time to reconnect with him and your youngest son. Use this time as a gift for yourself and for them.

Hang in there, my dear...come to us when you feel the need to scream or cry...or celebrate. Many of us have shared this road with you.

Andie · 10-27-2007, 08:51 AM

Big huggles!!! Keep your chin up, we are here for ya!

janine · 10-27-2007, 03:04 PM

I did tell DH that I will be getting the blues and that it is normal. I should be crying for no valid reason and it's caused by all the haromnal changes and wieght loss and lack of food. He said, "ok..." he'll take it in stride. He's been such a great guy. In the begining at the hospital he did everything I couldn't do. He kept me company, read a book while I slept and walked with me. When I took my first shower, he was right there at the door just in case I needed him. he told me not to step out of the shower till he was in front of me so I wouldn't slip. he even wiped me down with a dry towel. It was all so caring. He put my socks on. This all sounds strange to me because I am so independent I really don't like help with anything and when I have to have help I usually get mad. This time, I accepted it. I knew my limitations and I let him care for me. Now it's been 4 days and he's letting me do what I can. He's there if I need him but he's letting me take steps to take care of myself. I do feel bad for doubting him. We've been maried for 20 years, I should have known he'd be my rock!

As far as my dear friend Chad, he has yet to call and check on me. It could be a guy thing but I think he should have called me. I guess he just doesn't get it.

Toony, thanks so much for pointing out that he has no clue what I'm going through he made a comment that he thought I'd loose all my extra weight in a matter of weeks. He's an engineer and one would think he was more knowledgeable than that.

Gina, You are so right about John (my oldest son) He's an addict and has the addict personality too. you hit the nail on the head, He's very selfish and will never take the "high Road". It's so true. We've offered him a college education but he has never put forth the effort.

(My kids)
Sometimes I sit here and wish I hadn't said what I said. I want them to be successfull and happy but so far there's just alot of bad behavior. Am I tolerating it because I'm ill? Should I call them and point it out that they are acting badly? or should I just let it all go. I think if I called them I'd end up more hurt, so I've prevented myself from pushing the buttons. I don't need additional turmoil right now but I still feel like I aught to teach them something here. Maybe by doing nothing, they will feel bad and come around, I don't know but so far they really stink.

Jeri · 10-27-2007, 03:31 PM

It sucks. Kids really suck sometimes. They're all caught up in themselves and don't think about what they're doing to their Mom, and sometimes they don't care. I'm so sorry. I know how bad it hurts because my daughter has done it to me and it was very painful. I have no advice because I'm still trying to figure it out and she is too.

Your husband is so loving and caring. He's doing such a good job taking care of you. It's very touching to me.