Good separation? Is that possible? - ThinnerTimes

Gina in NY · 10-21-2007, 04:58 PM

Anyone out there have a "good" separation/divorce??

VanessaSFL · 10-21-2007, 05:16 PM

Gina,
I understood your post although I am not going through anything.I think it is just two women relating.

I have seen good seperations / divorces' , not many but some.

I wish you both the best~

Tae care...funny how I enjoy it when my DH is gone ,even if just a weekend

janine · 10-21-2007, 05:26 PM

So sorry to hear about your marriage problems. My DH and I seperated 5 years ago. We didn't get along for a really long time and when we decided to seperate we didn't argue anymore. It was at the time what we thought was best. We had 3 children at the time and we were very coordial. DH moved 30 min. away and picked up the kids every other weekend. All was fine for a while. Then, I had a medical condition show up and I thought at the time I had 6 months to live. It's amazing how quickly we were back together. We went ot marriage counceling, found out alot about one another that we didn't know. We both thought the other had expectations that were not there. Now 5 years later I don't regret those months we were seperated. It made us stronger, more appreciative and less demanding of ourselves. It's important to not loose yourself in someone else (if that makes sence). You seem very secure and outgoing. I often feel a strong sence of well being with you. While I'm writing this I have another question for you.

I'm hesitant to ask but here it goes...
You've changed quite a bit since before surgery. Do you think your physical and emotional well being has contributed to your marriage problems? I ask this because I know I'm going to change quite a bit and am afraid I will be doing my own thing and he won't want to participate thus causing a rift between us and perhaps some resentment. I have talked to him about it and he assures me that won't happen but the thought is heavy on my mind.

paige52 · 10-21-2007, 07:16 PM

I've seen really great like damn why even get divorced? and I've seend ugly....it happens.

My question is what if he gets back from adult basic and decides that he thinks there is something to save... are you open to that? Dont really answer I'm just thinking hummmm it happens....

I wish you care and comfort... I hope the kids handle it as well you are.

Will keep all of you in my prayers especially your hubby... how hard to be that old and not really know what you want to do with your life....

kittens4 · 10-21-2007, 08:51 PM

Gina, I went through a separation and then divorce back when I was 27. I remember the relief of it all. It was very nice, no fighting, we just talked, and agreed it was for the best. He wanted to stay together, but I knew it was best we didn't, and it ended up being fine. I loved him, and still do, but just wasn't in love with him. We are both happy today, married to different people, and it all worked out for the best. It was hard with my son though. Gary (ex hubby) was in the military, so he and Chris moved to Florida when Chris was 5. I visited a lot, and we talked a lot, but still, it was very hard! My son and I are still very close, despite being so far away, but looking back, I have a few regrets. At the time, Gary was making WAY more money than I was, and he felt Chris would be better off with him. I agreed with that. I was working at an answering service, making hardly anything, and I was drinking a lot, and having anxiety/panic issues...etc. etc. it wasn't a good time in my life!! I was not in a good place at all, so had to do what was best for my son. So, to make a long story longer.....yes, there is such a thing as a good separation. It'll all work out the way it's supposed to. I have no doubt you will be just fine. You are smart, strong, and super cute!!!

Jeri · 10-22-2007, 04:45 AM

Gina,
I'm no expert from what you've said you've both been ready for this for a while. I'd just go with the flow.

I haven't been married in so long I have no sage advice but just wanted to offer {hugs}. Even if you've worked through the anger there will be some sadness at some point.

desmccoy · 10-22-2007, 05:10 AM

Gina

I am so sorry to hear about this. I do believe that there is a good separation. Its seems that your Idea to put your children first is a good one. I know that sometimes when we as parents have differences our kids feel it too. It may be rough at first but things will work out. Oh yeah with him gone to School you'll get a little taste of it will be like without him there 24/7. Good Luck to you and your family.

paige52 · 10-22-2007, 07:10 AM

the house will be the kids and you and hubby will come and go....

Some friends were getting divorced about 14 years ago and they came to my husband and I for adivce. We suggested this same arrrangement, mostly because their youngest child was only 3 months when it started. There was an apartment mom lived there about 66% of the time and dad was with the kids, when it was Mom's time, dad would go use the apartment.

The whole family says it's the best thing they ever did.... until mom got married again but that took 12 years. She was the one who eventually got her own place and wasn't the primary caregiver.

There were bumps in the road.... like mom was never as clean as dad but they got over it. When parents really put the kids first almost anything can be worked out!

Good for you guys!

sdgrrl · 10-22-2007, 08:42 AM

Aww, Gina,
I'm so sorry things have come to this. I know from experience that there are many creative ways to work this separation stuff (the kids=house, parents=variable housing works well). I had hope that as many positive changes as you have made would buy you all some ease and comfort, how sad that it's gone the other way.

As much as I loved my husband, it was like the biggest kid moved away from home, and I no longer had to be the "bad cop" 24/7. We had enough to eat, I could afford to support us (even on student loans!), I didn't have to be the baddie all the time, and the kids got a first hand picture how things were at my house vs things at his house. The kids def preferred life in Momland. BUT, like you, we remained close friends. We were each other's "first".

Then he died tragically at the age of 49. That was hard--we had been high school sweethearts, and even though there were huge disconnects as parents, we still cared deeply for each other. I still grieve for him 4 years later, and I keep track of times that are important to the kids re: their dad. I call them on his birthday, father's day, and the day he died. We don't have to discuss the whys, they just know I am acknowledging the big stuff.

I don't know what to tell you to do, what works, what doesn't. I just wish you peace of mind and a solution that is minimally scarring for the kids.
((((hugs to you all))))
Donna

Claire-in-Texas · 10-22-2007, 09:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kittens4

Gina, I went through a separation and then divorce back when I was 27. I remember the relief of it all. It was very nice, no fighting, we just talked, and agreed it was for the best. He wanted to stay together, but I knew it was best we didn't, and it ended up being fine. I loved him, and still do, but just wasn't in love with him. We are both happy today, married to different people, and it all worked out for the best. It was hard with my son though. Gary (ex hubby) was in the military, so he and Chris moved to Florida when Chris was 5. I visited a lot, and we talked a lot, but still, it was very hard! My son and I are still very close, despite being so far away, but looking back, I have a few regrets. At the time, Gary was making WAY more money than I was, and he felt Chris would be better off with him. I agreed with that. I was working at an answering service, making hardly anything, and I was drinking a lot, and having anxiety/panic issues...etc. etc. it wasn't a good time in my life!! I was not in a good place at all, so had to do what was best for my son. So, to make a long story longer.....yes, there is such a thing as a good separation. It'll all work out the way it's supposed to. I have no doubt you will be just fine. You are smart, strong, and super cute!!!

Elaine, you have my total respect and admiration for the courage you showed for the sake of your son, and your continued growth as a person. You go, girl!

Gina, my husband and I separated (and ultimately divorced) when my children (girls) were 9 and 7. We both were very protective of our children, and our love for them continued. It was amicable - sometimes a bit strained - but we made every effort to show the children that they came first, and what happened between their father and me was not their fault in any way.

Now those children are in their 40s, and I have asked them, over time, their perspective of it all. They saw it, as young people, as I saw it. Amicable, nice, and an opportunity to be loved by two people who gave them different adventures. It can work out. As Elaine said, it will go where it is supposed to go, and I admire you, Gina, for your strength. Would love to know more about that "school," though. Never heard of that. How long will he be away?