Woke up this morning to reality! - ThinnerTimes

justawoman · 10-14-2007, 12:30 PM

Hi TT Family,

So I woke up this morning with my heart racing...WHY? Because it is finally time to be honest with myself and everyone around me. Reality has hit me right in the face!

It is time for me to stop pretending that I am ok, that I am happy. I AM MISERABLE! I hate life! WHY? I have no idea. I just do! I am about to lose everything I have if I don't pull it together. My marriage is in serious trouble, my kids are resenting me. I just want to sleep my life away.

I think I am smart enough to know that part of my problems right now are that I am physically exhausted, having a new baby is rough. I really don't have much help and I am resenting it. I love my new son, but he is sick and cranky and it is rubbing off on me, but it goes further then that.

My husband has told me for the last year..Renee, are you ever happy? Doesn't anything make you happy? Do you ever feel well? And I laugh it off. But honestly the answers are NO! Nothing makes me happy anymore, I feel shitty all the damn time. I wake up every morning with a new illness or pain. I am tired. I pulled my kids out of football and cheer because I am tired, I can't do it anymore. I am running myself on empty. Then I feel like a terrible parent.

I love my husband and would die if we were not together but for some reason, I am nasty to him. Even when I don't want to be. I am angry at the world. I don't want him to touch, be near me, talk to me. I just want to be left alone! And I don't know why. I am an emotional time bomb waiting to go off again..Last weekend, I snapped. He said the children were getting on his nerves and I of course made it into an argument and he proceeded to say I don't discipline them and something in me went BLACk and all I remember is jumping off pushing him off the chair and trying to choke him..WTF? is going on with me. My mother was here and said Oh Lord, You really have lost it Renee..Your so lucky your husband is not abusive Renee because alot of other men would have knocked you out. I don't even remember what set me off....Talk about being crazy...Yep that is me, a plain old nut job!

I don't even know what is wrong with me or why? Why am I acting this way?

Any advice??

LQQkn · 10-14-2007, 12:57 PM

Renee,

I'm sorry to hear you are still doing badly. Part of all this is being sick all the time. How can you be happy when all you do is feel bad? We have talked about this.. therapy would probably be in order for starters.. but honey you need to get physically feeling better. I'm just a phone call away.. Janie

lealphachienne · 10-14-2007, 01:59 PM

Renee.....you are on burnout. Is there a way you can get away from it all for a few days, a retreat of healing? You've lost yourself somewhere during all of this.......when you don't know who you are or who you want to be, you're lost shuttling being a mom, a daughter, a wife, an employee, whatever you think expected of you.

You're not a bad person....you're human and our humanity keeps us beating ourselves up over everything. You can't be everything. You can't be perfect in all areas of you life.

I've had black out rages before too...you're no alone. It takes time and work to get you to where you want to be in life. Find a passion for yourself that gives you the life and energy to face whatever obstacle that's in the way. The key is finding out what will work for you.

JenBear7 · 10-14-2007, 02:59 PM

I can say.. that I have no advice, but I hope there are answers out there. It seems to be hitting everyone at once.. this nuttiness.. {{{{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}} You are not alone!

Zenomia · 10-14-2007, 03:06 PM

Post Partum Despression, Plus Weight loss depression and being ill all the time. It's a wonder you haven't gone off before. Talk to your DR!! Look seriously at some anti-anxiety medication to get your moods in order. Then look at what is making you sick. Why are you ill all the time? Is it despression making you ill, are you not eating right, what is the CAUSE? Is it surgery related? Is is lifestyle...what is the reason. Once you figure that out, you can solve that issue as well. The first step is to realize there's a problem. The second is to stop blaming yourself and just FIX it. Call your Dr. ASAP!!! BTW: Your normal Renee, Been there...done that!!

janine · 10-14-2007, 06:20 PM

Hi Renee,
I wrote a long lengthy relpy to your thread and it disapeared off my screen and now I have to start over..

The feelings you have of not wanting to be touched is one I can relate to. After each of my children it was exactly that. They each demanded so much of my time and energy. I had to hold while they were feed, hold them while they cried, they wanted me to pick them up to stand, ect... It all takes it's toll on a woman. By the time my husband came home and the baby was in bed all I wanted was to be left alone. He on the other hand wanted to be heald, hugged, loved and made love to. He fealt neglected. I fealt drained! After a while of this pattern I just was totally uninterested in any contact. No snuggling on the couch, No hugs and kisses, and absolutely not sex. I fealt sad about all this and started to talk to other mothers about it. Seemed alot of women went through this same scenario.

I am going to give you some of the advice that was given to me that worked for me and others. Give yourself a night. One night a week where you can give to your husband. It seems all so mechanical at first but after a few weeks you will look forward to that night. I chose not to tell my husband at all about it because it wouldn't have worked so well if I had. I chose friday night as our night. I planed it all out early in the day and after puting the little one's to bed. I'd give myself to him. Weird! huh? But all other nights I was the same.. off a alot but would start to look forward to friday nights and before I knew it my husband started to help out more. He found time to help during the week probably knowing that by friday he's have me to himself. For me it went on for about 6 months like that. I realize now that it wasn't fair to him for me to be so cold toward him it was just a time in my life where everyone seemed so demanding.

As far as your tiredness/depression. It all sounds like a bit a nutricianal imbalence. Are you taking a vitamine B complex twice a day?
Vitamine B plays a vital roll in depression. Have you had a blood workup lately?

You are in my thoughts and I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better! You've suffered enough already!

justawoman · 10-14-2007, 06:48 PM

Thanks TT Family! I knew I could count on you for words of wisdom! As I got in my car today to drive and pick up my chidren 3 hours away from there father, I just wanted to scream. I had this crazy feeling of everything is done and over..It scared the shit out of me! No guys, I am not going to kill myself but that is how it felt. I made it to pick up the kids after having all these crazy thoughts in my head for 3 years and trying to figure out why I feel this way. On the drive home, IN MORE DAMN TRAFFIC.......I just started crying and called my mother. I immediately told her I felt like I was just going to die or have a nervous break down and she always can talk me into thinking straight and said Renee, breathe and think..I said maybe I am having post partum depression..She laughed and said Renee, if you honestly sat down and told anyone your true story they would understand why you are feeling you are. I said what do you mean? She said Renee, your basically a single mom to 4 children under the age of 10, you have a huge house to keep up with, a demanding husband, your ill, you have no family, you never get a break, your just plain TIRED..Unfortunetly, I don't know what the solution is. I have nobody here to help. My husband works as an engineer for the railroad and when he does get time home he is only here for 10 hours at a time and of course that is his time to sleep, and catch up on anything he needs to do around here. He doesn't have a structered schedule so is not like I can count on a Saturday he might be home he is on call 7 days a week 24 hours a day..It really sucks...I am going to speak to a doctor and see about some medication and maybe that will calm me down a bit and I really need to speak to my husband about possibly finding a new job. I feel selfish asking that of him as he makes damn good money but it just doesn't seem worth it to me. I could careless about the nice house we have I want my sanity back and I think the only way to do that is to have him around more for support and help! Ok I am just babbling and I am not even sure I make sense anymore. Seems all like a blurrrrrrrrrrrr!

Again thanks TT family! And I will keep you all updated!

justawoman · 10-14-2007, 06:50 PM

Thanks Marie! Your right I am on burnout. I need to figure out how to make time for myself, I haven't quite figured it all out yet but I am working on it. And I think therapy is right around the corner for me...I am going to take a look at the site you sent me..Again, Thanks...

Quote:

Originally Posted by lealphachienne

Renee.....you are on burnout. Is there a way you can get away from it all for a few days, a retreat of healing? You've lost yourself somewhere during all of this.......when you don't know who you are or who you want to be, you're lost shuttling being a mom, a daughter, a wife, an employee, whatever you think expected of you.

You're not a bad person....you're human and our humanity keeps us beating ourselves up over everything. You can't be everything. You can't be perfect in all areas of you life.

I've had black out rages before too...you're no alone. It takes time and work to get you to where you want to be in life. Find a passion for yourself that gives you the life and energy to face whatever obstacle that's in the way. The key is finding out what will work for you.

justawoman · 10-14-2007, 06:56 PM

Thanks Janine for the great suggestion! I can totally relate. I think a big issue for me is control right now..I feel like everything is spinning out of control and the one thing I do have control over right now is who gets in my space and right now I am controlling that and don't want anyone in it. But I do know that my husband needs me as well..And it is not his fault I have these feelings. I know if I dont make some changes I am going to lose him as he constantly tells me how neglected he feels and he feels that I just hate him. Which is untrue but I can't come forward for some reason and tell him anything different. When he tells me how much he loves me, I just smile. When he asks what is the matter with us? I don't have an answer. When he tries to hug me and I push him away and he wants to know why? I simply can't find a good answer. But let him piss me off, then I sure can tell him WHY and show emotion! I just feel like a nutball.....But know things have to change NOW and I am going to call my doctor ASAP!

Thanks again for the great suggestion!

Quote:

Originally Posted by janine

Hi Renee,
I wrote a long lengthy relpy to your thread and it disapeared off my screen and now I have to start over..

The feelings you have of not wanting to be touched is one I can relate to. After each of my children it was exactly that. They each demanded so much of my time and energy. I had to hold while they were feed, hold them while they cried, they wanted me to pick them up to stand, ect... It all takes it's toll on a woman. By the time my husband came home and the baby was in bed all I wanted was to be left alone. He on the other hand wanted to be heald, hugged, loved and made love to. He fealt neglected. I fealt drained! After a while of this pattern I just was totally uninterested in any contact. No snuggling on the couch, No hugs and kisses, and absolutely not sex. I fealt sad about all this and started to talk to other mothers about it. Seemed alot of women went through this same scenario.

I am going to give you some of the advice that was given to me that worked for me and others. Give yourself a night. One night a week where you can give to your husband. It seems all so mechanical at first but after a few weeks you will look forward to that night. I chose not to tell my husband at all about it because it wouldn't have worked so well if I had. I chose friday night as our night. I planed it all out early in the day and after puting the little one's to bed. I'd give myself to him. Weird! huh? But all other nights I was the same.. off a alot but would start to look forward to friday nights and before I knew it my husband started to help out more. He found time to help during the week probably knowing that by friday he's have me to himself. For me it went on for about 6 months like that. I realize now that it wasn't fair to him for me to be so cold toward him it was just a time in my life where everyone seemed so demanding.

As far as your tiredness/depression. It all sounds like a bit a nutricianal imbalence. Are you taking a vitamine B complex twice a day?
Vitamine B plays a vital roll in depression. Have you had a blood workup lately?

You are in my thoughts and I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better! You've suffered enough already!

justawoman · 10-14-2007, 06:58 PM

Hi Janie,

Your right how can I feel good about anything when I feel so shitty inside. I am going to start tomorrow by making some phone calls to some doctors and see if I can get some answers. I know what I need to do, just need to do it. I just can't ever seem to find the time for myself and I always put myself last which I know needs to change TODAY..I just have to find myself.....

Thanks!

Quote:

Originally Posted by LQQkn

Renee,

I'm sorry to hear you are still doing badly. Part of all this is being sick all the time. How can you be happy when all you do is feel bad? We have talked about this.. therapy would probably be in order for starters.. but honey you need to get physically feeling better. I'm just a phone call away.. Janie