My mother is stressing me out - Page 2 - ThinnerTimes

Jeri · 10-04-2007, 05:40 PM

Linda, it sounds like we come from the same family. My Mom & I haven't talked for 3 years & I still don't know why she stopped talking to me. But you know what..I'm grateful. You can't pick your parents but you can choose to stay away if they hurt you. My Mom makes me mentally unstable...I never am as angry as I was in trying to deal with her b.s..
I'm not saying you should walk away from your Mom--I didn't walk away from mine. But sometimes we're better off. I know I am. I miss having a Mom, but then I think I've missed that my whole life.
(((((Big Hugs))))) to you. I know how you feel.

Jeri

LisaM · 10-04-2007, 09:42 PM

So proud of you for being able to put what you feel into words and lay it out here. I had an abusive parent (and make no mistake, from your description, your mother is an abuser, whether you make excuses for her or not), and removing him from my life was the only way to start seeing my world through my own eyes instead of his. I had been married 23 years when my father passed away, and my husband never met him--I made sure of it.

There are emotional vampires in this life--people who get some kind of nourishment from the negative emotions of those around them, so do whatever is necessary to make things happen that create havoc. The only way to keep them from sucking you dry is to stop letting them in your life. You have the right to do that.

janine · 10-05-2007, 12:25 AM

Linda,
There is something to be learned from your disfunctional mother. Everyone has good qualities and bad... Learn from her bad qualities an make sure you never behave that way! I had some very disfunctional parents myself. I've missed not having a mother or a father. I've missed the family get togethers, events and loving relationships. It's possible to miss something you never had. After being away for 7 years I went to visite them, brought my children and husband. I was humiliated, emabarrased and very upset at the way my parents treated us. I'd been away for long enough that I had forgotten... It all came back as if a flood washed over me. I fealt like I needed to protect my children. After that, I just didn't want to subject my family to that turmoil, didn't want them to be tainted by there criticism and especially my father's outragious behavior. I walked away and haven't gone back in about 8years now. My sister keeps in touch and often tells me, "life is short, they only have a few years left". I take a deep breath... sigh... All I can say is that I have stepped out of the box. I too think you should send the letter back unopened it will certainly send her a message.

You have your own issues to deal with... You need to be healthy for the upcoming surgery, both physically and mentally. You can't take on the responsibility of her issues at the expense of your own. You will need time to recover after surgery too. Give yourself some peace and step aside for a little while at least while you get your health issues taken care of. Then, if you are able you can step back in and see what you are capable of doing and what you should not do .

Right now, you are under alot of personal anxiety... Take a deep breath... Try to relax... and remember that sometimes you have to come first and that it's ok to say the dreaded word "NO!".

I also want to congratulate you on your success at recognizing you have a problem and are doing something to fix it. It's a great step toward taking control.

Janine

Linda58 · 10-05-2007, 12:12 PM

Thank you Jeri, Lisa M, and Janine. I was overwhelmed by your depth of understanding of my relationship with my mother. She is a vampire of sorts (I like the analogy), she seems to enjoy creating turmoil and disagreement in my family. It's like when my sister died, she didn't have that estrangement to make her feel superior somehow, so she's trying to replace it by starting an estrangement with me. I did send the letter back unopened, with no comment.

I'm sorry that you have had the kind of experiences that make it possible for you to empathize with me. But your support and understanding are helping me right now to be healthy physically and emotionally. Bless you for taking the time to write your thoughts. All your comments brought tears to my eyes.

Zenomia · 10-05-2007, 02:39 PM

Well...I guess the only thing I can add is that your MOTHER was right about ONE thing...You can't choose your MOTHERS! Lord knows I wish I could have on many an occasion. My own mother suffers from BiPolar Dissorder. When she is not doing well, I am the child of Satan and my sister is the Angel. (She is very religous in her Crazy). The point is, we can't choose who are parents are, how they act, or even change them. I doubt very much at 74 she is going to wake up and SEE the light after all these years. You are just going to have to do what you NEED to do to keep you in a healthy frame of mind. If that means cutting her out until you are physically and mentally able to deal with her, then so be it! You have to do that. This surgery is HUGE. It changes our lives and the relationships we have with those around us. It includes adjustment periods for those times when emotions run the gauntlet and we are flooded with long stored hormones. You do NOT need any additional stress during that!
The primary objective is HEALTH!!! If your mother is inhibiting your health, then by all means...keep her out of it! You need to work on a better you...I'm afraid she's a lost cause that will only drag you down with her!!
<<HUGS>>

Linda58 · 10-05-2007, 02:46 PM

You are right, Zen, it is all about health. Physical and emotional. I am determined to be in the best place mentally going into this surgery. Thanks for helping me focus my perspective. I will do whatever I need to do to be okay going into this phenomenal change. Thanks.

Debz · 10-05-2007, 07:45 PM

Linda, my heart just goes out to you. I also have Mother issues, and I know what a hurt in the heart that can be. I just wanted to share a couple of things I've learned over the many years of hurt that are important to me...

I think the thing that makes me feel crappiest is the idea that I don't have a mom that I can turn to for little pearls of life wisdom. My mom set me out into the world completely unprepared for life. I learned everything I know about living, literally "on the job". My friends can turn to their parents and ask advice, or for support, or even for money when things get rough. I have none of that, and sometimes, it really sucks.

But, the one thing my mom has definitely given me is a perfect example of what I don't want to be. My child rearing skills are pretty much thinking, "Now, how would my mom handle this"?....and then doing exactly the opposite. As a matter of fact, I live me whole life that way. So, while I can't turn to her for little pearls of wisdom, I can certainly use her for the bad example. I've avoided many pitfalls in my life by deciding to be nothing like her. It's not much, but it's what I got....so I run with it.

Zenomia's siggy line put it so well..."If you can't be a good example, you'll have to serve as a horrible warning".

Next...my mom has stolen so much from me in life. She deprived me of feeling like a normal kid, she didn't give me a normal home, she wasn't cognizant of my emotional well-being...the list could go on. But she will not EVER steal from me again. I won't let her. I give her as much as I can and am willing to, and not a molecule of breath more. How much time and effort I spend on her is totally up to me.

Don't let your mom steal the peace of mind that having this surgery to better your health should be giving you. She has already taken so much that she OWED you as your mom...don't let her take an ounce more of what you need in your life to be happy.

If that means cutting her out...do it without ever looking over your shoulder. If there were a bomb in the house, you wouldn't just leave it there and hope it didn't hurt you. You'd get rid of it...because you have a sense of self-preservation. And you'd be right to do so.

Some people are just the antithesis of happiness and need to be banished from our lives. It's damn sad when that person is one of your family members, especially a parent, but it doesn't change the facts.

The last thing I wanted to tell you is...I have decided to give up feeling ashamed that she's who I came from. She is who she is....and I am who I am. I have kicked and scratched to get where I am in my own personal development....none of who I am came from her. She provided the genes, but any of the good stuff that I am is by my own hard work. I have nothing to be ashamed of...

So, that's my story and I'm stickin' to it. I wish I could give you a real hug. Focus on what's right for you and yours...I hope you can find some peace with all of this.

fisher1000 · 10-05-2007, 07:52 PM

How awesome will it be to be on the losing side after your surgery? What a tribute to your sister to put your life on a healthier track. I'm sure writing about all of this has been very cathartic, but it probably wouldn't hurt to go and talk to someone as well. You deserve mental well being to go with your physical well being.

You sound like a truly conscientious person, which in my book equals kindness. There is no greater gift to have, even if your mother never responds to your repeated efforts.

I'll say a little prayer in your honor and I wish you the best of luck!

-Mike

Claire-in-Texas · 10-05-2007, 08:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LyndasRoom

{{{Linda}}}
I am so sorry for your loss.
I am pleased that you have a therapist you can talk about this stuff with...it's a heavy load to carry. I agree with the others that sending back the letter unopened is a good idea.
I have a father who is pretty close to the equivalent. He is remarried and has an equally awful wife. I have come to terms with the fact that the only way I can stay whole and mentally healthy is to have no contact with them whatsoever. They take no responsibility for hurt and mayhem they cause. It's been more than 5 years since I've had any contact with them, and my life is better for it.
I'm so sorry you're having drama in the weeks leading up to your surgery. Don't let anything your mother does or says stop you from giving yourself the gift of good health,or a chance at it. I would want to chalk her current behaviour up to grief over the loss of a child, but it sounds like this is an on-going situation.
In the meantime, we're here for you, and it sounds like your siblings and brother in law and nephew are helping to circle the wagons.

Lynda and Linda, I can so relate to what you both have said about a parent. Linda, you are not alone. Just keep in mind that YOU are a person who deserves respect, and the very best from life.

I have two adult daughters -- 44 and 42. I show them the utmost respect and love (something I didn't get from my own mother).

You have a lot to look forward to, Linda. Go for it, girl, in your sister's memory. Honor your sister by having the best life possible! You will not only survive, but you will flourish!

Best regards!

I_love_Hello Kitty · 10-05-2007, 09:31 PM

Linda,

My heart goes out to you...
its so enveloping when its your Mother of all people who you have issues with...because afterall....our Mothers are our lifeline until we are adults...and if they are screwed up...then really...we can be so screwed up until we can find ourselves as adults and re-learn how to be healthy.

Your Mother is not healthy...and she never will be. Its a very difficult decision to turn our backs completely on our Mother...because it is our Mother... but when a Mother of all people drains us...its awfully hard to refill ourselves.

You need to be healthy now. And it is up to you to make the decisions you need to make to turn your own life around. I am so glad you have reconnected with your sister's family...and you have your little sister. You have a family...and you can rely on them...and by the sounds of your caring nature and level headed insightful post, you must have good friends too. Those are the people you need to rely on now. Your Mother will play no positive role in your surgery and recovery...and believe me, after surgery you will be a bag of hormones...so you don't need any extra baggage.

I would ignore that whole aspect of your life...at least for now...and concentrate on you and your surgery. Keep your head on straight. Mourn your sister...and grieve...and then pull yourself up...and just find the strength within yourself to get on the good healthy track.