I feel like my world is crashing down - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

Fat Free · 08-30-2007, 12:36 PM

OK, this is probably going to be long and I feel like I have no where else to turn.I feel like everything is going wrong. Now in my heart I know other people have bigger problem but Right now mine feel like the weight of the world. My biggest issue is my husband. I really wonder if her mentally abuses me. It's not like he calls me stupid or ugly but he says really cruel things to me. We have 5 kids, one passed away two and a half years ago and it is still hard. My father passed away this year in February and I feel more like a mother to my own mother than she is to me. Let's just say she is not all there. With all that said I feel very alone in this world. I used to rely on friends for emotional support. Since I have lost weight allot of my relationships have changed. My girlfriends treat me different, almost mean to me. Our kids use to play now my kids are shut out. I know women can be caddy but damn. My one friend was doing me a favor and taking my kids to school for me and picking them up. A new school opened so the kids had to change schools and do not offer bus service if you do not cross a major street or train track

so that would leave them with walking or cacheting the bus. My girls are 6 and 8 and it is a little over a mile in 110 degree heat. Anyway I needed her to d this for about a month until other arrangements could be taken care of. She called me last night at 10pm and said her friend was willing to pick up the girls but my kids need to make sure their out there on time because she didn't have time to wait. Now I know that is a reasonable request but my daughter has been a little late because her teacher let's he rout late not allot she can do about it. I just felt like if it were the other way around and I did not have a job and was picking my kids up anyway, I would not have a problem with it. She does not have to watch them after she drops them off and we live across the street so its not out of her way. Long story short she made me feel like crap and I thought we suppose to be friends.

My Husband...He keeps saying things like if some man comes along and says the right thing I will cheat with him. He says he gives our relationship a 60/40 chance of making it. . The 40 is the making it half. After our first kids he said he did not want any additional kids. He had 2 kids from his first marriage and said at this point of his life he wanted to do what he wanted to do with no responsibility's. He had also said he did not want to get married but here we are. He kept saying he would get sniped to prevent additional kids. I would NOT get my tubes tied. I was 22 and new I wanted more kids. I know the writing should have been on the wall. Anyway now we have these kids to raise and my crazy mother lives with us who he absolutely hates but she watches the kids and helps me around the house. So this is all said so you know where the hurtful things come in. When we have a disagreement he will say things like don't ask me for help you were the one who wanted kids or I feel like a prisoner in my own home with that cancer (my mother) living here. If we run into a financial strain he always blames me and it roots back to me liking to take the kids to Disneyland. It never has anything to do with what he wants and buys. He sent me an email today and said we should have space away from each other for a while. I responded back and one of the lines from his email was this "I’ve tried but its too much for me now. You obviously can’t be what I need and I obviously can’t be what you need." I love how he make the decision for me with what I need. When things are good there good but and ripple in the water and he is ready to walk out of the door. I know he is not fully committed to this relationship. It's not like he is cheating but he acts like he has one foot in and one foot out of the door. I get scared thinking about being a single parent with 4 small kids. The worst is I feel really really alone. I use to think I could count on my husband and I cant! My friends are flaky. My dad and I did not always see eye to eye but he would never leave me hanging. I have a brother and 2 sisters but they are busy in there lives, plus they are younger than me and could offer any real advise. Not that young people cant offer advise just my family. Maybe I should just cut and run now. We have allot invested but it seems to keep coming to this. I know he has a hard time with my weight loss. He will never say it but he does. Now all of the sudden I am accused of possibly turning to the town floozy. I lost weight for me! and only me! I went to get a consult for plastic surgery and he got all bent out of shape. I just want to be happy and not feel like I am in a big black hole by myself. All my life I have had to rely on me and now it looks like I will have to rely on me and support 4 kids along with it. Thanks for listening. I am at work and can not stop crying I just don't know what to do. Any advise will be helpful. By the way consouling is not a option. He feels like if you need to work that hard at it then it is not worth it.

VanessaSFL · 08-30-2007, 01:37 PM

Alexandria,

Man! What a bunch of stuff to deal with.Life can be very over whelming even during the good times. I write this post with no real advive.I don't know why people,men and women both treat their partners with such disrespect.If you fall out of love or just can't stand the person..Leave..before it gets ugly and hurtful.

The world seems dark right now but all the issues have solutions..some solved with time and others with actions.

I hope your friend can continue to help you out without the side line comments.Hug your Mom..Thank God she is there for your children.I am sure that helps you out a lot.

Now the Husband~ I don't understand men and I am sure I never will.
I too am married and a mother to one.Somedays I feel like I have a 10 yr old and a 38 yr old

Take Care of you and the kids...DH is a grown man.

LisaM · 08-30-2007, 01:47 PM

I know that isn't much help, but I am sorry. When we have made all these changes and we find that the people we care about can't handle them, it's tough. I'm continuing the fight for my marriage, but we are both in counseling, and I'm not sure we could make it without it.

Bluntly, if the other partner loves you, it's worth ANYthing to make it work. Saying it's "working too hard" to go to counseling is a cop-out. Not that saying that helps you any--just don't take that BS for truth, it's not.

All of these things said, one thing I'm learning is that you can't change anyone, and you can't change FOR anyone. You can only change yourself. You've made the first steps, now there are just a few more hurdles to jump over. I have never been a single mom (or any other kind of mom), but I'm sure it's terrifying. I'll be thinking about you.

Jeri · 08-30-2007, 01:53 PM

I'm not married & haven't been for many years so I don't have any advise for you. I just have lots of {{{{{{hugs}}}}} and prayers for your family.

Jeri

HeatherT · 08-30-2007, 02:02 PM

i'm so sorry your going through this, i hope your husband and you can sit down and really talk about the things that are bothering him and you maybe you can find a way to fix some of the things that are hurting your marriage have you gone to counseling before? maybe it would help...my husband got very insecure too when i lost a lot of weight and unfortunately he ended up going to vicodin and numbing his feelings and lying about the times he went to the er to get vicodin which in the end is what ended my feelings for him and ended our marriage - i'm sorry your cying it must be the day i've been super sad today too i am sick of not feeling pretty and feeling fat and disgusting because i am swollen from the tummy tuck and lypo suction and boob job too!

dontrepeatme · 08-30-2007, 02:16 PM

i'm 20...i might not be much help..but i might, i worked at a day care for 3 years and managed a party center for kids for 2 years... so i've seen alot of parents but sometimes i've only seen 1 parent never knowing there was a father/mother. Sometimes i think the kids would be better off if that parent that is hardly part of their activities were not even part of their lives...
I never knew my moms best friend was married, until her kids turned 18 and he wanted a divorce...
i'm not sure if this is helping...But she has a house and her kids are slowly realizing that she wasnt the one who caused the divorce and shes picking up her life... it can be done.
The thought of leaving him has to be scary...the thought of leaving him and taking 4 kids...is scarier. But...He shouldnt treat you the way he does... i've seen enough emotionally abussive relationships to know you need to put your foot down and get out of it...its going to drive you to do something hes accusing you of...or other things...

=/
i hope that kinda did something...i'm so mad about this man treating you this way i think i was babbling..

Fat Free · 08-30-2007, 02:31 PM

I keeps coming down to this! He is not 100% committed. Here is last email to me

Me-Speak for yourself in terms of what you need. If I did not feel I need you I would not be with you. I said the other day I was wrong to ask for help when you made your position clear. I do feel I need you! I am happy with you. I may get angry but for me that does not mean I want out of the relationship. I want to work this out plain and simple tell me what you want to happen. If it’s peanut going to daycare and my mom moving out fine. What ever you say we will do.

Him-My feelings for you have not changed. I just feel strongly that we are going to end up just like I said, doing something in a moment of weakness because someone else was kind or listened to us. I just feel like I don’t have control of my life. I feel like your mother has more input on my life than I do. Maybe what I need is unfair to you – I don’t know. We just keep arguing about the same things, your mother/family and the pressure of raising five kids with two working parents. That situation is not going to change for the next 15 years. At least you wouldn't’t have the added stress of having to deal with my moods and I wouldn't’t have to deal with yours.

I just feel like he is looking for a reason to get out. I feel like I am constantly groveling at his feet. I hate it but he wont apologize for anything or try to make the first step to patch things up. This is partly my fault because I let the relationship get to the point of me making things right even when I feel like I am not wrong. It's funny how it went from ME having a moment of weakness to one of US having it. Maybe I am not willing to read between the lines. More and more I think I need to get out and start my life over. I do care for him right now it's hard to pin point the love for someone who is so cruel. I have gone to counseling by myself and it has helped me but when I come back he make smart cracks about how I spent an hour bashing him. I think I am an objective person. I know I have flaws and I am not perfect. Sometimes I am moody and can snap for reasons the outside world cant see. Inside I am having a bad day and feeling overwhelmed. But at least I can admit that to myself and others. He thinks he is sensitive to my feelings but inside I know he is not! He is mean. I can say it here, it is something I have never voiced outside. He still throws in my face that I took 2 months off to be with my dad when he was in hospice and took another month off after because my dad's funeral was on the day our daughter was born who died one week later. I struggle with all this day in day out. He has no idea what it feels like to feel like you have no family. Because of him I did not speak to my dad and step mom for 1 year before my dad got sick. I am just glad I had time to make peace before he died. I know you are all probably thinking what is the choice leave but the fact is I am scared. I am already doing 95% by myself but I worry about how this will effect my kids. They don't see what I see and thats good. He is always loving to them but I know the rules or the game whatever fits best. I REALLY appreciate you guys responding and letting me get it out. I am really struggling here. I feel like I am in quick sand and going under quick. Do you think I should see what he wants to do and just do that or should I fight for it. I am so tiered of fighting for it. It's a one way battle. Before you say it is my decision just give me some input if you were in this situation, what would you do?

Thanks again!

P.S.

Here was my last response to his email above . He still has not responded that was 3 hours ago.

So what exactly are you saying? You want to throw it all away and move on. You don’t want to make this work? I don’t need to worry about a moment of weakness, I am not that weak. I know where my loyalties are. Are you worried about yours? So if you put peanut in daycare how would the situation not change in 15 years? I thought you said the problem was my mother. Your moods can be trying but no once did I feel like I want out because of them. I know I am not always easy to get along with either but everyone can be moody especially if you are with them for a long period of time.

Claire-in-Texas · 08-30-2007, 03:32 PM

Alexandria, you are so young. You have your whole life ahead of you. And I hear a lot of pride in your "voice" when you spoke of your surgery and that it was for YOU that you did it. That's the spirit!

And now to the tough part.......he's not hearing you......he wants out. Please don't beg. Don't lower yourself to that kind of thing. It gives him way too much power.

I've been married three times. I'm not proud of this - a lot of circumstances surround my two divorces. I am now happily married for 11 years. I raised my two daughters amidst the pain of divorce. I understand that pain as a mother, and as a person. However, it was about survival. Hold your head high. Separate out each issue and deal with it - without your husband. He may see the light, and he may not. But YOU will gain so much respect for yourself that you were able to raise yourself up.

My warmest best wishes to you.....