Am I actually in HELL? - ThinnerTimes

I_love_Hello Kitty · 08-22-2007, 01:18 AM

I feel like I am going mad....not kidding. I just want to cry.

I'm 9 days out.. and I just don't know if I can handle this...my surgeon did not require the pre-op liquid diet but one day...so I guess with complete caffeine, sugar, food and fat withdrawl...who could expect to be comfortable????

I am still slightly weak to go too far from home for too long...so I am in the house...I can't concentrate...I don't have tons of pain...just intermittent uncomfortableness (thank goodness this has improved)...and ALL I FOCUS on is what I am NOT eating...I can't concentrate on anything...so I have had trouble redirecting my anxiety. I don't want to talk to anyone for fear I will bite their head off.....my poor kids. I've stopped answering the phone if I think the converstaion will be longer than 30 seconds. I can't focus.

This feels like a true withdrawl...like a drug addict would feel if they went to rehab and went cold turkey. I hate this...hour by hour goes by...and I feel like I can't stop thinking about all the food I wish I was eating (or sleeping so I could not be going through this)...How can I go 2 more weeks of liquids and 3 weeks after that of mushies????? Seriously I cried today. I am a Mom amd have to prepare 3 meals a day plus snacks for my little kids...do you know badly I wanted some dinosaur shaped nuggets????? A DINOSAUR nugget!!!!!!!..just a banana...a peach...I saw someone eating a juicy peach and just about went off my plan...for a peach.

I swear to G-d...I am hungry...HEAD HUNGER...yes...but also real actual hunger...with stomch growling...is this possible? I thought I wasn't supposed to be hungry...is it possible I am ACTUALLY hungry??? It sure feels that way. They said I wouldn't be hungry, so I didn't think it would be this bad.......sniff.

You know how they say men have a sexual thought or impulse like 6 times an hour or something like that??? I have a food thought/impulse about 30 times an hour. No kidding... And I fear my inability to cope with this so well right now is an indicator of what my future holds...eating properly...or not...as I try to maintian weight loss and good food habits. I am such a freak...really...I mean...how can I be reacting like this???? What is WRONG with me???

I'm just having trouble keeping it together. I know its called Hell Week....for a food addict like I am...it is Hell...maybe I didn't make it through the surgery...maybe I am in hell, and this is my punishment.

AlabamaChick · 08-22-2007, 06:56 AM

Awwww Simone....first I want you to know that while I was reading your post, I almost cried because I could feel myself where you are. I was there right after my surgery also. It's normal, but yet SOOOOOO hard to go through this. Yes, you are mourning your best friend, but ya know what it reminds me of now that I made it through? Anything so important in your life when it goes away or dies, your reaction is to mourn and it's a healthy one. You get it out and them move on. When I was at your stage, I cried and cried and cried. I remember lying in the bed (when I could get on the bed because of pain), I would stare at my ceiling and feel like I was going to have a panick attack and I would cry and say over and over "What have I done to myself?" I was actually TERRIFIED and wondered if I could live the rest of my life this way and felt I had made a huge mistake that couldn't be fixed. My family will tell you that I became a raging bear. I felt so sorry for them having to put up with me. I was on edge all the time, I bit their heads off for no reason, when I would watch TV, if a food commercial came on, I would go into this rage and then it would turn into a crying outburst and at first my family tried to make me feel better, but then they would just run for cover. I explained to them that I couldn't help it because I felt sooooo cheated and was not mad at them, but at SO ANGRY at myself for letting it get to the point I had to do this to myself to get healthy again. They were very supportive and if a food commercial came on, they were all scrambling for the remote to change the channel! LOL They would not eat in front of me either until I told them I was better and could handle it. I know you are having a really hard time right now..but hang on hon. It DOES get better! I promise! When you see and feel those pounds melting away at an such an incredible rate that it's hard to even comprehend in your head, you will realize it was worth it. For now, just take one day at a time and recognize your fears and emotions for what they are...and you will do okay. We are here for you anytime you need to yell or scream..... We all know what it's like. (((((HUGS)))))

Toony · 08-22-2007, 07:54 AM

Poor You!

I'm not there yet, but am still sending you my support and hugs... It's got to me horrible to have to prepare meals on top of it all! And not help "clean off" the kids plates... Keep on doing what your supposed to - this won't last forever!!! HUGS!!!!!!!

Toony

Tracie · 08-22-2007, 09:27 AM

In the grand scheme of things, this will be over quickly...though it truly is hell right now. I am so sorry. I tried to use it as a time to realize my bad habits and to increase my awareness. Cleaning the kids plates was a huge thing to get over for me. I would literally pop something in my mouth without even realizing it...and then spit it out once I "came to". Now I am much more in tune...though I still "forget" sometimes. You will be fine...but I truly believe the mourning process is natural and some of us need to go through it in order to get a handle on things.

LisaM · 08-22-2007, 09:48 AM

I was there. Swear--my full liquids and mushies diet was a month long, and until I took a bite of real food at my one-month post-op, I thought I was in hell. I know we call it "hell week," but for me, it was a month long. But it does get better. I swear on all I hold holy, IT DOES GET BETTER.

In the meantime, just put your head down, cry if you need to, remember that your body is also completely hormonally and otherwise whacked out, and will be for a while. It will pass... don't falter, don't break down and have the peach (or at least peel it and put it in the blender first). This too will pass.

I_love_Hello Kitty · 08-22-2007, 09:57 AM

Thank you guys. It does help to know others had similar experiences.
Its true that it was mindless..I went to lick the knife when making my daughter's PB &J sandwich she was taking for lunch to camp today...I caught myself...all the eating...it must have been so mindless...I knew I liked "bad" foods...but I must have been shoveling it in without knowing what I was doing...the good food..the bad and the ugly..all going into me and I probably didn't even notice...creating this broken me.
Now I have to fix it...This is going to be the hardest thing I've EVER done...I am just realizing it now...

LisaBoston · 08-22-2007, 10:39 AM

Oh my....you will make it through this. Its a very rough go in the beginning with you body not only going through physical changes but mental changes. I know the mental stuff hit me really hard. Trust me, it does get better.

The body is an amazing thing. Its so hard to make such major changes in such a short time. If nothing else - keep up the fluids and vitamins. Protein is important if you can get it in. Take it slow - the good old you will come back soon, it just takes a little time.

Best part is you recognize it and came here to vent. Hang in sweetie...

MiladyB · 08-22-2007, 11:34 AM

Oh Simone I suspect most of us who have had surgery remember feeling like you do now. I know I sure did. Is there anyone who can help with the meal preperation at all? I know my husband and kids were great with helping but my kids are older. It sure was nice not to have to think about what to make for them for the first 2 weeks. Once I was 2 weeks out and eating my cottage cheese, soup, refried beans and yogurt it made it a little easier being around other people eating.

In regards to the head hunger? Well all I can tell you is that I swore I was hungry those first few weeks. My pouch made all kinds of noises and it felt really "empty" so often. Not sure if it was head hunger or real hunger, either way, it felt real. During those times I would try to get out of the house on a short walk...take a bottle of water with me and sip. I never made it too far but the change of scenery helped me clear my mind a bit.

This isn't easy, as you are finding out. Mentally and physically it is a struggle but I can assure you it does get better....often its a slow progress but it does get better. Hang in there, Simone!

Beeotch · 08-22-2007, 02:22 PM

I am only 4 weeks out and know what you mean about the restlessness. I mean it was hard. I look at other people and I think how unfair life is. Why meeh? Why meeh? I couldnt I just be naturally thin like others. I still struggle with it everyday. I get angry with myself that I was so out of control that I had to surgercial alter my body. I just keep on going. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I am in the same boat. take care pm meeh sometime if you want to talk.

Jeri · 08-22-2007, 02:52 PM

Simone, since I haven't had surgery yet I haven't been where you are, but I can imagine I will have some of the same issues. Food is my best friend...always there for every occasion or mood. I eat badly and am sure I eat without thinking.
I do know it will pass. A co-worker of mine told me a lot of the same things you said after she came back to work & all is well with her now. Hang in there.

Jeri