FEAR...HOW do you Deal with it? - ThinnerTimes

Zenomia · 08-03-2007, 11:58 AM

I was going to post this under Lisa's link, because it's an off shoot of what she is dealing with, but I didn't want to Hijack her line. Lisa...would love to hear your thoughts on this...

How do you deal with the FEAR? See, I recently realized I was over confident, strong, and capable when I was fat. I let myself believe that being big meant no one could hurt me, nothing could touch me, I was STRONG. Yes, I know this false, totally aware, but it gave me the bravado I needed to deal with just about anything without fear. There was never a challenge set before that I couldn't deal with. I faced my fears and spit on them. I was STRONG!!!

Since I have lost the weight....I feel small, weak, vulnerable! I feel like a victim waiting to happen. It's stupid, I am not any different a person, nothing has changed, I am still determined and want to face the world with a 'don't give a shit' attitude....but now I am AFRAID. People bigger than me, make me nervous. The motorcycle which is much bigger than me terrifies me. Being alone at night is freaking me out. I am dragging my kids with me everywhere because I don't want to be left alone. I know in my head how stupid and non-sensible it all is...but I can't get over it. I get a little panicked whenever a stranger comes to the door... I have NEVER reacted like this before.

Have I been sabotaging myself for years and years so that I could hide behind my fat protection? Have I spent years of false bravado bolstering my courage with how many pounds I had? Or have I just now realized all that bravado was false and now I am left feeling vulnerable?

I need to face this, I need to get back on the bike and master it. I know these things, but I can't stop the damn fear from leaking in and screwing with my head. It's like the SANE side of me knows what I am doing, but the other side, it's just freaking out at the dumbest things.

I would tell anyone else in my spot to get some therapy...but I know exactly what the problem is, what it stems from, and where it will continue to go. What I can't figure out is, how to FIX IT. I have training out the wazoo....what I don't have is a tool to fix this. I don't know what to do with it. I could probably advise someone else, but that same advise isn't working for me.

This is something I didn't expect or plan for when I studied about the surgery. I didn't expect to react like this. I have always been strong, capable and fearless. Spineless coward is not exactly a way I wish to describe myself, yet here I am. How do you fix this?

Mavisavis · 08-03-2007, 12:38 PM

Hey Zen.......what about some Martial Arts training? I know you no longer have the mass behind you, but you now have more muscle tone and agility. Maybe it would help to strengthen that.....along with what you are doing now, which is becoming aware and thinking and talking it through. No doubt you'll work through this!

Zenomia · 08-03-2007, 12:48 PM

Marty...thanks! I am in Tae Kwon Do, have been since January. It was one of the first things I did as an exercise. It's OK, but not enough to make the fear go away. Does that make sense? I am going to talk to our Grand Master and ask if I can get some additional tutoring with self-defense and invasive moves. I appreciate the help though...

I can't be the only one that feels like this or deals with this. On a board as large and varied as this there has got to be others out there who can relate to this and possibly have figured out a solution?

Mavisavis · 08-03-2007, 01:11 PM

Hey Zen......I'm impressed you are already in Martial Arts. I have always wanted to and am slightly intimidated. I do think I have read about others who feel the way you do. But personally, being that I am short, women have joked about me. I usually smile and say, yep, can't sit on you anymore or slam you to the ground......but I'm flexible and agile now and I can pretty easily kick you in the head. I am joking, but they get the drift that my spunk and attitude lives on beyond MO.

Linda58 · 08-03-2007, 01:33 PM

Zen, I still think a therapist is a good idea. Not just any therapist, though, I would find one who has dealt with WLS patients before (I can see this becoming a sort of sub-specialty for psychotherapists). My own therapist has had several patients who've had WLS, and she's familiar with at least some of the feelings that may develop. I didn't know this when I started going to her, but now I'm glad that she has that background. I feel like she'll be able to help me get through whatever emotional stuff gets churned up by the surgery and weight loss.

AlabamaChick · 08-03-2007, 02:08 PM

Awwwwww Zen, honey, you have nothing to be afraid of. Your sarcasm alone can put someone down!

You are just a cutie patootie and I love ya chickie! Don't be afraid. There is a whole big world out there for us to enjoy now! You can get past this. You ARE a very strong person and I KNOW you can do this! Talk it out here whenever you need to. We will always listen and try to help. Sorry, I don't have any wonderful advice here except that I KNOW you are a strong person inside and she just needs to learn how to come out again.

Gina in NY · 08-03-2007, 02:26 PM

If you are determinded not to do therapy, then let me tell you some things I've learned going through some of these issues, though it was long ago.

There is a very close relationship between fear and rage. Men, when they are afraid, will turn it to rage and women, when feeling rage, will often turn it to fear. These are gross over generalizations, but fear is allowed and socially acceptable in women and we will tend toward this rather than realize the power of our "negative" emotions - which is how many women view anger and rage. (Many of us have been very intimidated by angry people, so we fear anger)

I say this, because as I was overcoming fear (when I learned to ride a motorcycle too, by the way) I was led by a wonderful therapist through this maze of fear I'd created to my rage. The fact was, I was pissed as hell at the world and how it treated me. I was uncomfortable with that feeling of rage and hatred - but fear was okay. Only it was paralyzing me. I too was afraid to leave the house, afraid of people, afraid of too much to list here - it was ridiculous. The thing that clued me in is how irrational some of the fears were. I mean, if you're walking through a bad part of NYC, wearing a lot of expensive jewlery and not much clothing - you should be afraid. But in your own house? In Iowa?? Please... Something is going on beyond fear for you, I believe.

Which isn't to say you don't have fears too - I also took up martial arts at this same time of my life when I learned to ride a motorcycle. I also did some really crazy things that you can't do as a mother, to slap my fear in the face and prove to it that I was master. But it wasn't that I learned not to be afraid, I learned to fear and do it anyway.

I live without fear mostly, but when I have it, it just sits there on the sidelines. It does not change my course. You don't eliminate it, but recognize it, and let it sit and watch you. It does not have to dictate your actions. It is when you tense up and try to resist it that it most certainly will take you down. Fear is an emotion - you can't stop it. You learn to live with it.

In the Dune series, the Ben Geserit have this chant thing that says, "Fear is the mind-killer" and it is so true. You can not think when you are afraid - you are in fight or flight mode.

So - I don't know if this is helpful at all. But things may not be a simple as you think they are. There are also hormonal influences - your whole adrenaline, cortosol pathways are part of the scene. Paranoya can actually be a sign of nutritional deficiency.

Don't over simplify your situation - I think it is very complex and is more than "a tool" away from resolution. This crap takes practice - I remember well.

You can PM me too - now that I've spilled my guts here..

But this is doable. You can learn to make this work. Don't worry. It is a pain in the butt, but you will get there.

LQQkn · 08-03-2007, 06:33 PM

F* everything and run... that used to be my slogan. It is paralyzing you cannot function when you are in that fear. You can talk it to death and it doesn't change. What changes fear is action. If you are afraid to ride your bicycle then you need to get on that bike and ride! If you are afraid of spiders, well I wouldn't recommend petting them.. LOL but I would recommend maybe being in the same room and looking at them. What ever it is you have to do because what happens is when you walk through the fear you all of a sudden are empowered.

Zen I feel for you, I've been there.. and I probably was overweight to hide myself so I didn't have to feel the feelings of the fear.. I could numb myself with food. It has occurred to me on a few occasions not to put myself in situations where I could be the victim of a violent crime. I am just ultra sensitive about who is around me at all times, day and night. The guys at work pick me up and stop me from leaving sometimes just to piss me off.. I can't fight them to save my life. So I know I wouldn't have a chance in hell to fight off an attacker. Hang in there and keep posting here about it.. Janie

JenBear7 · 08-03-2007, 06:54 PM

Zen.. I think that if you took a sampling of MO People.. and picked thier brains, you would find we all are afraid of something.. or hiding from something. I know I am still MO.. but I also recognize some of my fears. I come across with gobs of confidence.. but inside, I am always afraid that if people could see the real me, they wouldnt like me. I have been working on that for years... to stop the facade so to speak. My fears are all social related.. I cant walk into a bar by myself... I cant go dancing.. I cant.. oh wait.. Guess I should say I WONT.. because deep down I know I CAN.. I am just afraid of it...

The other day I was thinking about signing up for some therapy, and after reading this post.. it really may be something I need to do.

Not to ramble on.. but just wanted you to know that you are NOT the only one that feels it.. now.. if you figure out how to deal with it.. you have to let us know that too!

LisaM · 08-03-2007, 06:56 PM

There are a number of ways I deal with my fears. First is to figure out whether it's a healthy or an unhealthy fear. Unhealthy fears are the ones you can't do anything about. Healthy fears, you can do something about. For instance, fearing lung cancer from smoking was a healthy fear for me. It was one I could do something about, so I did. I quit. Fearing death or lingering illnesses from obesity was a healthy fear. We did something about it--we had gastric bypass surgery.

Fearing death in general is an unhealthy fear. You're going to die. We're all going to die. Getting scared about it is one of the fears you have to let go in order to have day-to-day peace.

The fears you're talking about are unhealthy, not because you can't do anything about them, but because you're not naming them. Your fear is like this smoke screen that's keeping you from seeing what you're really scared of... Gina may be right, it may be rage that you've turned into fear. And Janie's definitely right, that by facing it, you change it. But you can't face it unless you know what it is you're scared of exactly.

I was scared of being alone. Scared I'd be attacked, scared I'd be raped, scared every man out there was looking at me like my father used to... like a cat watching a mousehole. So I drove, alone, to Texas, and then to Montana, and then to Illinois, staying in hotels and motels along the way, making myself swim in motel pools all by my lonesome, smiling and saying hello to men and women at gas stations, in grocery stores, etc. I made myself do it. And I'm not afraid of being alone anymore.

OK, you're scared of riding the bike. Scared of what? Death? Brain damage from an accident? Pick the parts of that where you have options, and ensure all the options are the best you can make them. Always wear a helmet (there goes the brain damage one, as much as you can get rid of it, anyway). Get the training you need to ride the bike as safely as possible. While riding, stay alert and remember that people in cars can't see you worth a damn, so you have to always expect them to do stupid crap.

And, bluntly? I think being afraid of being on a motorcycle is a perfectly rational, sensible fear. When I step away from my car, it doesn't fall down. Motorbikes scare the living crap out of me--the last time I rode one, I left bruises on my brother where I clutched him around the ribcage. I'm really, really OK with never being on another motorcycle. But, like death from smoking, death from motorcycle riding is, in my opinion, a perfectly healthy fear, so I quit cold turkey...

So - take a look at your fears. You're scared of being alone? What exactly are you scared of? Name every single thing you think can happen while you're alone that you're scared of. Face the ones you can. Change the ones you can. And remember that, overall, fear is what keeps us from walking off bridges and burning ourselves on hot stoves--you just have to remain in control of what you fear to the largest extent possible. And, when it's an unhealthy fear, don't let it become the mindkiller... let it go. (Gina - my FAVORITE part of Dune was that particular saying...).

If you're not just rabidly opposed to Buddhism (my mind's so open I fall out of it on occasion... bump my psychic elbows on the pavement a lot...

), here's a link to a nice site called DealingWithFear.org. Bluntly, meditation makes me want to smack somebody right between the eyeballs, so I don't subscribe to all of it, but it's very calming just to read some of what they have to say.