You've had WLS and your partner is obese - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

Phoenixfire · 07-12-2007, 10:26 PM

I've read a lot of the posts here from others who have had WLS. I have a question that may be unique and hope others have some insight from experience.
Having had WLS years ago and having stable weight and the body I can count on for a healthy future, I have a man I love that is overweight. When we met he had worked out and taken weight off. Over the time we've been together, he's put weight on. His health is at risk. He doesn't like being fat, but of course we all know the struggle he's dealing with.
I'm not going to suggest anything to him other than exercise and enjoying the healthy meals I make. However, I'm concerned about this. My exhusband (married to when I had WLS and marriage ended because HE was obese and didn't care to change) kind of scarred me on this. Now I'm wondering if I'm going to have the same issue to deal with of a partner that is content being fat and isn't interested in the permanent WLS of bypass.
I want nothing more than for him to take the same steps he did before we met to be at a healthy weight. I hope he does

But what I think I'm looking for is some voice of experience from patient partners that have stuck by the one they love while that loved one finds their own answers for weight control.
After having been fat and unhappy, I am healthy and relieved. I wish the same for him, but don't feel right saying "do this" to him.
Any suggestions for a frame of thought you've used or other things I just can't see on my own right now?
thanks...

rainrain · 07-13-2007, 07:30 AM

my husband is not mobidly obese, but could stand to lose about 30 pounds.15 of which he put on over the last 3 years since I had surgery (eating my left overs)

I find the more I mention it, or ask him not to eat my left overss the worse he eats.

I encourage his good eating habits, ignore the bad ones and try not to have left overs that will be bad for him, like breads and stuff. For example I used to order a sandwich and leave the bread. Then he would eat it. So now I order a salad or meat and veggies. Because they usually add potatoes or rice to restaurant foods, I simply ask for more veggies and he eats them instead!!

At home, I just cook really healthy. How he eats at work is his choice and he is adicted to pepsi (regular), but the less I nag the better he eats.

Good luck, remember it is his life. Try to remember how it was for you prior to WLS, it is a tough road being over weight.

My hubby stayed with me as heavy as I was. He worried about my health as I do his now, but he knew I had to do it myself.

Be patient. In the wedding vows it says to honor in sickness and in health. Being obese is like a sickness, would you give up on him if he suddenly became ill?

Something to think about!
Rain

lealphachienne · 07-13-2007, 08:47 AM

My ex was MO and I was thin when we met. He had WLS and lost 220 lbs. During our marriage, I gained over 100 lbs and it eventually effected my health adversely. I had WLS too.

Seemed like that we were both finally on the same page and able to have a long, healthy marriage.We had a very brief moment where we were both on the same page.

Then his addiction to food switched to alcohol......and I wasn't able to live with his decision for his life. Alcoholism is an illness too and I ended the marriage....beyond the physical illnesses, there was the emotional and spiritual aspects. We were no longer traveling the same path. My love for him is a strong as ever, we simply don't share a life together. You can present options, then decide for yourself what your able to handle.

taleci · 07-13-2007, 08:51 AM

I was the obese one after dh had WLS. I don't know what happens psychologically, but my eating habits skyrocketed in a bad way afterwords. I put on 20 lbs after his surgery. It is really hard when your partner gets so much attention based on their new appearance and while at the same time you are getting heavier by the second. Logically, at that time I would have put on my sneakers and started exercising and eating right, but realistically that is not what happens. I wish I could understand why we are so self-sabotaging.
Anyhow, it was never anything on my DH's part. He was a prince with me. Always made me feel adored and never once said anything derogatory, always made an effort to compliment me on hair, clothes, etc. to boost my self-esteem. In the end however, the lousy feelings about me were all coming from me.
Luckily in my situation, insurance finally approved my WLS, so I am finally slimming down, however I have no doubt that had I not had the surgery yet, I would still be in the same cycle.