Warning-long...Me too, Suzie Q...marriage issues - ThinnerTimes

LisaM · 07-01-2007, 06:59 AM

Right up front, I love my husband dearly. I've been married for 27 years, and I take full responsibility for marrying a man whose score on the passion meter was low. In fact, I married the ONLY man who turned me down when I was 19 and hot. It wasn't a matter of me "settling," it was me finding the exact opposite of my abusive father--not that I was actually aware of that at the time. Hindsight really is 20-20.

I am in Montana because I am running away from my marriage. My husband's lack of passion has become something I can no longer bear. He has not changed. He has always been this way. As our marriage wound its way through the years, I changed my body in order to deal with my own past and to try to build a future--I hid myself under a blanket of fat, both to stay safe from my father, and to keep from screwing around on my husband. I was very, very successful at being overweight. And it did exactly what I wanted it to do--kept me in my marriage and safe in my own estimation from my abuser.

Now that I'm down to my real weight, having a husband without visible passion for anything other than the Green Bay Packers is not just frustrating, it's devastating. Some of you may remember that I put a "wow" thread up a few weeks ago because he picked me up in his arms for the first time in decades. What I didn't add was that's where he stopped. He just put my feet back on the floor and went back to what he was doing.

So, I left. Ostensibly on vacation, but in reality to get some thinking time. You need to know that I have not been silent on this subject--I have complained to him over and over across the years about his lack of passion for me. The realizations above are pretty recent, don't forget. I assumed he was uninterested because I was fat--my weight gain began about three years into our marriage. It's really, really hard to be turned down serially without believing that it's personal, but he told me over and over that it wasn't me, it was him. It took me 25 years before I asked him if he was interested in anyone at all, and he told me that he isn't.

Confusing the issue for me is that he is capable of sex, he is just not interested most of the time, sometimes for up to three to six months at a time. When we do have sex, by the way, it's awesome. You need to know, too, that this is not a new thing, this is for the last 20 years or more. I have considered the possibility that he is gay and repressed to the nth degree, and the answer is that I just don't know. He is capable of self-gratification, but swears that is also very infrequent. He does look at porn, but the few times I've tripped over it, it seems to be hetero-porn. I believe (not absolutely sure) that he does this not because he wants to, but because he HAS to--his body demands that he get some release. And yes, we have tried Viagra, Cialis, etc. You have to have some desire in order for these to work. Without it, they are useless.

I ran because, not to put too fine a point on it, I'm not capable of hurting him when I am right in front of him. So I insisted over the phone from Texas, and now from Montana, that he get a physical assessment to see if there are hormonal issues, and that he see a counselor. I told him that, if he refuses to do so, I will not come home. I have gotten to this point before, given the ultimatum that I will leave him, but been unable to follow through on it when I can see how painful it is for him to address these topics. He is an utterly private man, and would be horribly humiliated if he knew that I was addressing this topic on a public forum. But, long-distance, I can stick to my guns, and I have. His doctor's appt. is next Friday, and he is supposedly researching how to see a shrink through our insurance. Not that I believe he would lie to me, but I have asked for a copy of his lab results, and plan to contact his counselor by phone, as well. Should I decide to go back to him, I will participate in counseling as well.

I don't know if my marriage will survive. If the basic answers from the doc and the shrink are that this is just who my husband is, that his ability to feel passion is very minimal and always will be, then I have a decision to make. Bluntly, I'd rather live alone right now than live with a man who cannot want me. It is much like having a cigarette in front of you, but it's behind bulletproof glass--and you promised that you would smoke only THAT cigarette and no other.

However, there are so many factors in this that my head is just spinning. I do love my husband, have never loved anyone else like this. He's part of my heart. He treats me like gold, I have not just his blessing but his urging to be and do anything I choose. He is genuinely a wonderful man, other than this. There is nothing else I would change about him but this one thing...so the questions I'm beating myself up with at this moment are:

Am I asking too much? If this is the only thing wrong with my marriage, should I just shut up and give up on passion in my marriage? Is this fair? I married him BECAUSE this was who he is, and I'm now requesting that a 51-year-old man change a basic facet of his personality, or lose his wife. Is this excessively cruel? What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Have to stop now, I'm tired of crying.

Polly D · 07-01-2007, 08:15 AM

Hi Lisa. I'm so sorry. I could have written parts of your post. For us it's 12 years and i was obese to start with but I definitely was looking for a guy who wouldn't abuse me and our children, but didn't know it. He's never been a horn dog and never will be, or at least not with an alpha female like me.

I don't have advice but I'll pick up a coffee can and start bailing with you because honey we are in the same boat, more or less. I don't know if we're going to make it.

Not hijacking, just identifying in lieu of advice. Could he be persuaded to explore things that might make him more interested? Not change his personality but tap into what passion does exist?

LisaM · 07-01-2007, 09:27 AM

Not to put too fine a point on it in a public place, but I've tried pretty much everything I could bring myself to try, and I have a VERY creative mind. After 27 years of this, I think it's time he tried to find the reasons why he is the way he is.

I have changed enough, and my friend pointed out to me this morning that, by getting fat in the first place, I gave him an out in my own mind for his lack of passion...and probably in his mind as well, though he would never admit it. It is his turn to change or not, as the case may be, but my decision as to whether there has been a change, and whether it is sufficient. I need to put a time limit on this, but don't know what is reasonable. I know that it won't be another 27 years.

bballmom · 07-01-2007, 11:24 AM

I wonder if your husband might have had an experience unlike your own as a child that he might or might not be aware of? This would certianly explain his behavior. I am so sorry that you have to go thru this. It does not matter the why's.. but that it is. These are your feelings now, and therfore are important and need to be addressed, so do not feel badly for doing just that, after all you have tried to address the issues many times in different ways. From reading your diffrent threads on this forum, you seem to be a wonderfully vibrant person , who is funny, likable, and caring. You need to be nurtured as you bloom into the "you" that you should have been. A rose bush needs to be watered, fertailized, fed the proper food, protected from the elements, and pruned the correct way, at the right time in order to give us the beautiful rose buds that it is capable of giving. This process is a never ending process that if done accuratly, will keep the bush blooming for years, and years. If not the bush will be stunted, only giving a few roses that will not mature as nicely or be as full a bloom. We too need to be..deserve to be nurtured. I wish the best for you in this hard time of contemplation. Why is it that nothing ever seems to be easy?

AlabamaChick · 07-01-2007, 01:59 PM

Lisa, I hope this is something medical that can be recognized. My brother-in-law, who is 41 years old is just like your husband or he was. My sister married him about 6 years ago with him being this way, but she had a major problem with it even though she knew they loved each other. She finally told him to get some help and he went to his dr. and had tests done and found out that he has low testosterone and so he has to take a shot I believe once a month of a VERY expensive drug. I don't remember the name, but it has made a WORLD OF DIFFERENCE in his sex drive. My sister said before he could go the rest of his life without it, but now he is all over her all of the time. One of his symptoms too was severe tiredness. Does your husband seem overly tired alot? I so hope you can find a reason for this dear that can be addressed and fixed. You deserve to be happy after all you have been through in your life sweetie. I am rootin' for you and hubby. I know this is a very hard thing for you. If you ever need to cry.....I'm here. I'm a good listener. Now smile with that pretty, tiny face of yours and try to be a little happy. I don't like the thought of you not smiling........((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))

VanessaSFL · 07-01-2007, 04:23 PM

Lisa ,first talking about this is good for you to do.We care about you here.

Now this is just IMO....

My husband was in a horrific accident three 1/2 years ago..crushed both his legs, could not walk,wheel chair for over a year,walker for the next two,still uses a cane on his bad days.

I went over two years with out having sex.We could n't even do "BILL CLINTON" sex...

I think over the years sex has become less important to me...I think I have had sex maybe four times this year....I am just not interested..I love him and I am not looking for anyone or anything else.Sex does not even cross my mind.<--God honest truth!He is frustrated but I would be devastated if he gave me an ultimatum over sex.

I pray that you can overcome this and things work out for you two,

LisaBoston · 07-01-2007, 04:31 PM

Very moving post Lisa as always. I don't think you are asking too much and it sounds like your husband is receptive to making changes if he is going to the doctor already and looking at coverage for a councillor. I would hang in there and see what things can happen. At some point you may decide not to stay, but I for one, would do everything in my power to say that I really, really tried to make it work.

LisaM · 07-01-2007, 04:47 PM

Thanks so much for the understanding, all of you, both publicly here and by IM...and thank you too for those who shared your own pain to help me try to heal. There is evidently nothing under the sun that happens only to one of us. I loved the rose analogy so much, and the support is, as ever, incredibly touching. I've felt like such a fraud on this trip, and to finally be able to take a moment to tell you all why I've been having a horrible spring and summer has been healing, all on its own.

Trina, I hope you are right that it's merely physical, and that there's a resolution--and yes, my husband has complained of exhaustion since early in our marriage. It had become so much background noise after all these years. Your words also give me hope...if modern medicine can fix this, I would be forever grateful.

Blueyz · 07-01-2007, 06:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VanessaSFL

Lisa ,first talking about this is good for you to do.We care about you here.

Now this is just IMO....

My husband was in a horrific accident three 1/2 years ago..crushed both his legs, could not walk,wheel chair for over a year,walker for the next two,still uses a cane on his bad days.

I went over two years with out having sex.We could n't even do "BILL CLINTON" sex...

I think over the years sex has become less important to me...I think I have had sex maybe four times this year....I am just not interested..I love him and I am not looking for anyone or anything else.Sex does not even cross my mind.<--God honest truth!He is frustrated but I would be devastated if he gave me an ultimatum over sex.

I pray that you can overcome this and things work out for you two,

Van,

I am on the same page as you with this except for it is the reverse. I had some very terrible problems with some of the surgeries I had preventing sex and my husband, God bless him, is in the position that you were with your husband. He loves me unconditionally through the thick and thin of things (literally) and through sickness and in health. So, I agree with you on this level...

Lisa,
I am sooooo sorry you are going through this and glad that you are reaching out to us. I am here for you if I can be of any help..hugs or something or just the fact that I acknowledge your pain and wish I can help might be some sort of support for you. I wish that there was an easy answer, but you know really what is best for you. The time apart will probably help clear the air and maybe your husband will have time to think about what is going on and if he has a problem. He might not realize your needs and he takes you for granted. You are an amazing lady and you deserve to feel loved and feel attractive. For me, I don't need the sex, I just enjoy the love, hugs, and constant affection and attention my husband gives me. I feel guilty that I have physical problems right now, but we talk about things and are open. Sex is secondary in my opinion, but needs to be talked about. Communication is key in my opinion, too. This of course is just opinions, but it comes straight from my heart.

I hope you feel better and we can all give you some sound advice. Do what is best for you and smile because you are beautiful..inside and out!!

JenBear7 · 07-01-2007, 06:17 PM

{{{{{{{Lisa}}}}}}}}}} No advice sweetie.. just hugs.. intimacy (sex or non-sex)... in my opinion is critical in any relationship. I really hope you guys can work it out.. you love him by your own admission... I think that is more than half the battle... Now.. lets hope he does what he says he is doing... Hope you are keeping your chin up... love ya!