Warning-long...Me too, Suzie Q...marriage issues - Page 3 - ThinnerTimes

LisaM · 07-02-2007, 06:16 PM

I think y'all are funny... I swear, I am fully capable of satisfying my own physical needs without benefit of male intervention. I genuinely appreciate your interest in my ability to do so, but that is not what this is about. Cross my heart, hope to die, teach a thousand camels how to fly...

This is about all that fluffy stuff that I didn't want to go into, OK?
I want a lover, not a friend.
I need to know that the human being next to me in the bed wants me, whether or not we have sex at that very moment.
I want a man who can look me in the eye in broad daylight and tell me that he loves something, anything about me (OK, not the fact that I cook a mean tuna casserole, but I think you get my drift).
I want true, intense, heartfelt intimacy.
I want to be married to a man who likes kissing me--my beloved husband told me once that it didn't do any good to kiss me, because I only wanted more.
I want him to kiss me because he wants to, not because he thinks I will be unhappy if he doesn't.
I want him to make love to me on at least a semi-annual basis because he wants to, NOT BECAUSE HE THINKS I WILL BE UNHAPPY IF HE DOESN'T.

There, I'm done shouting. And no, I don't expect to get all those things... but even one of them would be hopeful. Two of them would be magical. Three of them would be a freaking miracle. And none of them are going to happen overnight. But he needs to make some really big strides toward wanting those things to happen, and working to make them happen before I can go home. And if you haven't figured out that it's killing me to be anywhere but home, then I'm not writing this right.

LQQkn · 07-02-2007, 06:34 PM

My take on this, and yes I am divorced and had a husband similar to yours. I just know that the 11 yrs I spent there he still didn't get it. You can't teach a dog new tricks generally, and they are not going to change this late in life unless they WANT TO! I hope everything works out the way you want it to. Janie

Quote:

Originally Posted by LisaM

I think y'all are funny... I swear, I am fully capable of satisfying my own physical needs without benefit of male intervention. I genuinely appreciate your interest in my ability to do so, but that is not what this is about. Cross my heart, hope to die, teach a thousand camels how to fly...

This is about all that fluffy stuff that I didn't want to go into, OK?
I want a lover, not a friend.
I need to know that the human being next to me in the bed wants me, whether or not we have sex at that very moment.
I want a man who can look me in the eye in broad daylight and tell me that he loves something, anything about me (OK, not the fact that I cook a mean tuna casserole, but I think you get my drift).
I want true, intense, heartfelt intimacy.
I want to be married to a man who likes kissing me--my beloved husband told me once that it didn't do any good to kiss me, because I only wanted more.
I want him to kiss me because he wants to, not because he thinks I will be unhappy if he doesn't.
I want him to make love to me on at least a semi-annual basis because he wants to, NOT BECAUSE HE THINKS I WILL BE UNHAPPY IF HE DOESN'T.

There, I'm done shouting. And no, I don't expect to get all those things... but even one of them would be hopeful. Two of them would be magical. Three of them would be a freaking miracle. And none of them are going to happen overnight. But he needs to make some really big strides toward wanting those things to happen, and working to make them happen before I can go home. And if you haven't figured out that it's killing me to be anywhere but home, then I'm not writing this right.

AlabamaChick · 07-02-2007, 06:34 PM

Lisa, I hope it helps you to read that I understand everything you just said! That is what I "expect" from a relationship and anything else would be totally ungratifying and even not worth continuing for me. It has to be something that makes you feel whole and unless you feel whole, you will not be happy.

LisaM · 07-02-2007, 08:52 PM

I get the old dog/new tricks thing, and I truly believe that my husband is going to try to change. I honestly have no idea whether it will work, but as the old joke goes, he wants to change (How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb REALLY has to want to change).

He's seeing the doc on Friday, and working on getting a shrink appointment. And yes, I intend to see the shrink with him when and if I go home... not crazy enough to think he's the only one who needs help with this.

And Trina, my love, thank you. Just thank you. I needed to hear that...

veroniquetalk · 07-03-2007, 02:02 PM

[quote=LisaM;198246]I
This is about all that fluffy stuff that I didn't want to go into, OK?
I want a lover, not a friend.
I need to know that the human being next to me in the bed wants me, whether or not we have sex at that very moment.
I want a man who can look me in the eye in broad daylight and tell me that he loves something, anything about me (OK, not the fact that I cook a mean tuna casserole, but I think you get my drift).
I want true, intense, heartfelt intimacy.
I want to be married to a man who likes kissing me--my beloved husband told me once that it didn't do any good to kiss me, because I only wanted more.
I want him to kiss me because he wants to, not because he thinks I will be unhappy if he doesn't.
I want him to make love to me on at least a semi-annual basis because he wants to, NOT BECAUSE HE THINKS I WILL BE UNHAPPY IF HE DOESN'T.
QUOTE]

Lisa - this is exactly what I was longing for. I have these things with the person I am seeing, and knowing him they would last. BUT, I don't have some other things with him - like being able to turn to the person next to me and tell him something silly my grandkids did and them thinking they hung the moon as much as I do. Like, being able to talk about when the kids did some dumb teenage thing and how we lived through it. Like, having the money to say to the kids, "I know you are struggling, here let me help." (granted if I were living with this person and my expenses were shared I KNOW he would support me in doing this - but right now I can't)

You are a stronger woman than me! You can see what your decision has to be and seem firm in it. You go girl!

Groovey kinda Love · 07-05-2007, 09:18 PM

My husbands love afair is with The St. louis cardials. For sometime now I have felt I am second fiddle to his first love.... I am the other woman, I am his mistress with out benefits... I can't tell you the last time we were intemint, I can't tell you the last time he kissed me just because..... i can't tell you the last time, he walked up behind me and whispered in my hair, how he missed and thought of me today..... i know where ya are comeing from (((((((((Lisa))))))) love ya girl

sdgrrl · 07-05-2007, 11:16 PM

There is a movie that speaks to this subject. It's "The Story of Us" with Michelle Pfeiffer and Bruce Willis. Rips my heart out, but is the best long marriage commitment story I've seen. Michelle and Bruce are so hot, too. Michelle's last big speech in the movie is worth the rental alone. She wants the same things we all hope for, and puts it in just the right words.

AlabamaChick · 07-06-2007, 03:56 AM

Ya know what I just thought of as I read over your posts and thought of the ones I have already read? When I would tell my ex that this is what I wanted from our relationship......he would ALWAYS tell me that I lived in a fairytale world and that I was wishing for a fairytale life and I needed to take off my rose-colored glasses. He said this kind of stuff does not exist! Hmmmpfff! NOWWWWW I find out that I'm not such a "head-in-the-sand" kinda person and asking too much after all. There are more of us out there that feel there should be the same things in a marriage or relationship. Thanks for validating me and not even realizing it! This gives me power to keep searching for what I feel a relationship should be! (Stay tuned...more to come...my life needs to evolve!)

Groovey kinda Love · 07-06-2007, 10:30 AM

I've gotta stay clear of this thread for a couple of days... everytime I read of someone elses hurts and pain I get that knot in my throat and my emotions take over..... we are not alone and I know that if we stand together we shall over come..... until I can deal better... Susie