Warning-long...Me too, Suzie Q...marriage issues - Page 2 - ThinnerTimes

LisaM · 07-01-2007, 07:56 PM

The most important thing is that we love each other... He was kind of working me over to come home today, saying all I needed to do was stay after him. I told him no, because I knew that then it would be up to me to stay after him to get him to go to counseling. I'm tired of being a sheep herder...If I didn't care about him, all this would be a heck of a lot easier, I could just walk away. But I can't without giving him one last chance to fix it.

veroniquetalk · 07-01-2007, 08:19 PM

Lisa - I could have written much of that post myself. I would have just substituted the sex part with other things - like having conversation or showing some romance once in while. One of the turning points for me in my marriage was walking on the beach in Waikiki on my 25th wedding anniversary with my husband - 4 feet ahead of me. Not a thought in his mind to take my hand, tell me he loved me or kiss me - or if he had those thoughts he certainly didn't act on them. I did those things to him. I grabbed his hand pulled him to me and tried to kiss him passionately. It's not that I didn't feel a responsibility to be the one to bring romance into that night, its just that I was craving so very much for him to appreciate me as a WOMAN - I couldn't begin to understand how he wasn't feeling the same way.

Anyway, although that trip was nice and I had fun it helped me to see some things in my marriage that I couldn't or can't seem to get past. This wasn't a new issue for us but in the past I think I hid behind the fact that I was obese so HOW could I expect him to think I was beautiful, want to kiss me, be proud to show he was with me. And, like you, I made it VERY clear that I was craving these things. He would make an effort - for about a week and then it would go back to the same old same old. And yes, I would tell him I loved him, appreciated that he worked so hard, thought that he was handsome, etc. I tired to model what I needed. I am sure I didn't meet all of his needs either, but I am sure I was very clear about wanting him to find some way to meet these needs.

If you read my post on wls and divorce you will see I am struggling with this decision.

LisaM · 07-02-2007, 10:40 AM

I am truly amazed by how many of you have PM'd me with your own stories of very similar situations in your marriages or relationships. I guess I'll ask a question I've asked before--do we, as morbidly obese people, seek out emotionally and/or physically passive partners who will make few demands? Do we "settle?"

AlabamaChick · 07-02-2007, 11:37 AM

One word......."YES" I'm afraid so..... I know my self esteem was so low and I had this thought about myself that nobody would want me and I was lucky to have ONE person that would consider it, so felt I had to take what I could get and not be chosey. Needless to say, I have had my share of problems since surgery in the romance dept. too. My tolerancy level is like ZERO for alot of things now. He tells me all the time that I have changed and am a different person now, someone he still loves, but I am more demanding and less tolerant of things and it throws him for a loop most of the time. Thank God he REALLY loves me or HE would be gone! LOL

LQQkn · 07-02-2007, 12:47 PM

I think a majority of obese people have the Sally Fields syndrome.. "you really like me?" ok then off we go to settle in with someone who will take us the way we are. Janie

Quote:

Originally Posted by LisaM

I am truly amazed by how many of you have PM'd me with your own stories of very similar situations in your marriages or relationships. I guess I'll ask a question I've asked before--do we, as morbidly obese people, seek out emotionally and/or physically passive partners who will make few demands? Do we "settle?"

paige52 · 07-02-2007, 01:07 PM

my opinon runs to what Van says...

over the years for different reasons my husband and I have had many seasons in our sex life. As teen's it was wild and wonderful and frequent...

Giving birth to 3 children, a hysterectomy and bad vaginal repair, high blood pressure meds for him, depression for me... and both of us just plain old too fat to participate frequently for many years.

It's easy to say that we've had regular sex maybe...maybe 3 times in the past year and while I'm ready for things to get going again, he's not quite there yet. No matter what... I"m not ever going ot leave my husband over lack of sex. It's just to easy to buy a vibrator and train him to meet the other emotional needs!

I'm happy that he seems willing to go see a doctor. I know several men who were closet gays and married... very infrequently did they not preform... they just didn't enjoy it. All of them have since moved on to other relationships but none of them went without for any length of time. it sounds much more medical and/or emotional to me... someone mentioned his own sexual past may be creeping up on him.... you never know.

While I respect your decision to make a stand for me personally I made a promise... better worse and all that. Not sure that not having sex is "worse" enough for me to break that promise.

Before anyone blasts me for being harsh.... I want to make it perfectly clear that this is a matter of personal integrity to me. I gave my word that I was in this marriage for life and by gosh I'm going to keep that promise I made to myself. Now this desn't mean that other people are wrong when they get a divorce or decide they have had enough... it's a personal choice, I'm only talking about me here.

I believe that you deserve to be loved in a way that makes you feel loved and I also say there's a good chance your husband may be willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen... just look for the compromise because you love this man and it sounds like he loves you....

Seriously buy a vibrator, I'm not being crude... it's a great way to end the sexual frustration and helps get the focus back on the emotional relastionship aspects of things. they have very discreet bullets they look like a tiny lipstick case... they cost less than $20 bucks.

LisaM · 07-02-2007, 01:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by paige52

No matter what... I"m not ever going ot leave my husband over lack of sex. It's just to easy to buy a vibrator and train him to meet the other emotional needs!

I've very glad you've found that possible. I've been trying for 27 years to "train" my husband to meet my emotional needs without success...And I guess I did not make it plain that it is not just the numbers, it's the lack of the intimacy that is involved with knowing another human being in every sense of the word, including sexually.

Quote:

While I respect your decision to make a stand for me personally I made a promise... better worse and all that. Not sure that not having sex is "worse" enough for me to break that promise.

Before anyone blasts me for being harsh.... I want to make it perfectly clear that this is a matter of personal integrity to me. I gave my word that I was in this marriage for life and by gosh I'm going to keep that promise I made to myself. Now this desn't mean that other people are wrong when they get a divorce or decide they have had enough... it's a personal choice, I'm only talking about me here.

I am trying not to take it personally, without success. It makes me feel judged, and makes me feel that I have been found to be without personal integrity.

Quote:

I believe that you deserve to be loved in a way that makes you feel loved and I also say there's a good chance your husband may be willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen... just look for the compromise because you love this man and it sounds like he loves you....

When do you stop compromising? After 30 years? 40 years? Death? The compromises have all been mine, the changes have all been mine, all these years. He promises to change and a week or two later, we are back in exactly the same place. He gets what he wants--a companion, a friend, someone to take care of. One hundred percent of his needs are being met--and I have begged, pleaded, cried, sworn, screamed, and even simply shut up about the subject for as much as five YEARS at a time to see if he could change without prodding from me. He did not even notice.

Quote:

Seriously buy a vibrator, I'm not being crude... it's a great way to end the sexual frustration and helps get the focus back on the emotional relastionship aspects of things. they have very discreet bullets they look like a tiny lipstick case... they cost less than $20 bucks.

Sex is part and parcel of love, and it is a hell of a lot more than just an orgasm, at least to me. A vibrator will not love me, however much it costs me, and this is NOT about sexual frustration. It's about feeling like part of what makes me human is dying for lack of attention, and needing and wanting that attention from only one other person, and being denied it on an ongoing basis.

I'm not trying to be facetious when I say that, if my husband were physically unable to have sex, I would have much less of a problem. The fact that he is able, just uninterested, is devastating.

paige52 · 07-02-2007, 03:25 PM

Well this was a clear example of just how badly Paige can stick her foot in her mouth when given the chance!

I apologize if you feel that my words were judgemental... they weren't intended that way. I won't bother trying to explain what I was trying to say because I will probably just hurt your feelings even more... I hate that on posts we can't put feeling behind what we say so typed comments aren't taken the wrong way... I am sincerely sorry for hurting your feelings and that you took my comments as judgemental.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LisaM

I've very glad you've found that possible. I've been trying for 27 years to "train" my husband to meet my emotional needs without success...And I guess I did not make it plain that it is not just the numbers, it's the lack of the intimacy that is involved with knowing another human being in every sense of the word, including sexually.

I understand what you are trying to say here and you are right we all deserved to be loved in a manner that we can understand and "feel" loved.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LisaM

When do you stop compromising? After 30 years? 40 years? Death? The compromises have all been mine, the changes have all been mine, all these years. He promises to change and a week or two later, we are back in exactly the same place. He gets what he wants--a companion, a friend, someone to take care of. One hundred percent of his needs are being met--and I have begged, pleaded, cried, sworn, screamed, and even simply shut up about the subject for as much as five YEARS at a time to see if he could change without prodding from me. He did not even notice.

You probably won't like this answer either..... but FOR ME.. the answer is never. I will never stop compromising as long as either of us is alive. But that's me... not you or my sister or my daughter or other woman, we all live our own lives and know in our hearts the levels of how much we can bear. With that said its completely reasonalble to expect him to step up to the plate and make changes and meet you half way or more than half way since you have been doing all the work for so long!

Quote:

Originally Posted by LisaM

Sex is part and parcel of love, and it is a hell of a lot more than just an orgasm, at least to me. A vibrator will not love me, however much it costs me, and this is NOT about sexual frustration. It's about feeling like part of what makes me human is dying for lack of attention, and needing and wanting that attention from only one other person, and being denied it on an ongoing basis.

I agree that sex is part and parcel of love.... sorry to sound so harsh about it. But I was looking at it from a practical POV. What if you were able to get the sexual gratification out of the way, would that make the path to sensuality, human touch, passion and all the other stuff easier to navigate for either of you? If he was passionate, loving, cuddled with you, spent time talking to you without the actual intercourse portion of lovemaking would that make a difference to you? Would you feel loved, cherished, sexy and worthy? Would you still consider leaving? I'm askign this because what if it ends up being physical and he can't meet the physical part of your needs? Will it be enough for him to learn how to act in such a way that meets your emotional needs?

That's what i was talking about "training"... for him to step up to the plate and put is own lack of interest aside to cherish your needs and wants and be able to give you those even if they don't include the actual act of intercourse.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LisaM

I'm not trying to be facetious when I say that, if my husband were physically unable to have sex, I would have much less of a problem. The fact that he is able, just uninterested, is devastating.

Because it sends the message that you are unworthy of his even trying? "unworthy" sucks more than any other emotion I've ever felt in my life. "unworthy" screws with my head, it makes me curl up in a little ball on my bed at night when no one is around and I cry and cry and cry because sometimes it's just so damn overwhelming. My daily struggle is that "Damn it I am worthy of everything I want and deserve to have it all!"... know it in my head but soemtimes can't feel it in my heart. Again... this statement is about me...not you... but just maybe you can identify with what I'm saying.

The thing is no matter what anyone else thinks about me... I am worthy. Nothing my spouse, children, father, friends or enemies say makes that untrue. What I've learned over the years... long frustrating years... is that if I am going to feel worthy and believe in me... it comes from inside of me. That's why I struggle.......

So here I go again... putting stuff down that you will probably take personal and I will have hurt your feelings again when my only point is that...

you are a beautiful couragous woman that I "think" is standing up to say "Damn it I am worthy of your attention, love, passion... the same thigns I feel for and give you!" and you are right... you are.

You are also right that he needs to step up to the plate and participate in your relationship in a manner that you cna feel and appreciate...

But I'm also saying that for me personally it had to come from inside of me before I really got it... maybe that's what your stand is all about.... you have finally found that... I hope so from the bottom of my heart.

if I did it again... hurt your feelings... just tell me to shut up and I will! All my opinions on this topic aside I think you are a brave woman.

LisaM · 07-02-2007, 06:04 PM

You did not hurt my feelings, you did a VERY good job of re-explaining yourself, and I appreciate it.

Had I not known from your other posts that you could take my meaning as read, I wouldn't have said how I felt in return...glad you were up to the challenge, and willing to continue responding. I'm starting to get pretty blunt these days.

All that said, compromise in a relationship implies that the partners meet in the middle somewhere. I have been the only one moving toward the middle, and I am just exhausted. He may be unable to change, and if so, then I have some deciding to do. I hope with all my heart and soul that he can, and will, because there's no else that I want. I'd just rather be alone than hurt this bad anymore.

Polly D · 07-02-2007, 07:00 PM

Lisa I'm so glad to hear you talk about him putting energy into the solution too.

You've already said you're not interested in meeting some of your own sexual desires so if you're not disregard. If you're rethinking it I have a comment and a bit of advice: I wouldn't buy a small lipstick vibe until you know what you like. I can elaborate on that in PM if you ask. Second, since i gave myself permission to handle matters whenever I like, I feel alot less pressure and even interest in it. I think the thought that I should be saving it for him made it more frustrating KWIM

I am so sorry. I'm in the same pain. I like my husband, I want us to work out, but I know we were drawn together by our insecurities and just from therapy without WLS mine are going away. I want a relationship where we are partners who give who we are to each other, not settling for someone who will put up with our foibles. I do think MO people settle. I settled for a younger Mr. Beanpole who "loved me as I was" and wouldn't abuse or cheat. he settled for an older fat woman who wouldn't abandon hm.