winning against the war that rages inside - ThinnerTimes

Groovey kinda Love · 06-29-2007, 11:16 PM

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So about 3 years ago I joined this wonderful family of friends. I learned so much from each and everyone of you, I know I even started learning more of who I am and why I wanted this wls so bad. Without going into detail as we all know that I did have many complications and still do today.... but they are nothing like they were before surgery.

When I first signed on to this forum, one of the things that I noticed was the talk about marriages and the statistics behind themt hat show they don't last. I was determined I was not going to be a statistic, I was not going to be a number! What happend to that? where has life gone from there?

I went from knowing my husband loved me and adored me for who I was to haveing surgery, complications that many times almost took my life, to not knowing where I stood with my husband. If he adored me before we were married and before my surgery what has changed?

For those who know me, you know I don't play games and am very straight forward! When Marc and I first got together, and when we noticed our future looking like it was going to have the 2 of us together, we started talking.... I told him I hate pornography and everything it stands for. I can't stand the girly magazines and the PPV on TV, all this was put out in the open for all to see. He assured me he didn't like them things either. I told him I will never tollerate them either, to me it's the same as screwing around on your spouse. I believe if you have enteretained the idea in your head then you might as well of done it.

Back in March, I was cleaning our room and making the bed ect... my daughter was in the room hanging out and talking to me while I cleaned. I was making the bed and I slid my hand between the sheet and mattress I felt something hard like a dvd box, obviously a magazine, and I found a reciept for the movie gallery vidio store. So while I am busting my @ss working double shifts he is playing porn man with a porn star.... Well before I found all this, about a week before I found that someone had ordered pay per view and set it up on timmer to automaticaly come on. I just happen to be home form work that day, hanging out in the bedroom, watching Judge Alex, and what enterfered with my program? why a ppv porn crap.... so I was cool about it, I brought it up in conversation, something like this... hey babe ppv poped up yesterday, do you by chance no anything about a ppv? he says no, what are you talking about? so the understanding person that I am turns on the tv and goes into ppv mode and shows him movies that has been ordered. He played the "I have no idea" game, well obviously I wanted to trust him, so when I confronted my son for some reason I didn't believe him and when he told me he didn't do it I freakin grounded him! I grounded him cause I thought he lied, ..... he didn't lie, but he did pack up and move to his dads. Last time I ever allow a man to persuade me into believeing my kids have done something when in my heart I know its not thier style. So I blamed my son for the actions of my husband! I am paying for it, I see him only when he feels liike comeing into town, I never get to spend the weekend with him, and he never confides in me any more. Soooo this is a result of a spouse lieing to cver his cheating heart.

I made him confront our pastor, I was there too... it was not a good thing as I thought it was going to go just the way it did. I was instructed to forgive and forget.... that maybe easier said than done, Jesus never had a wife, how could h e possible know?! Well the tension was building and getting worse, when we speak it was more like a heated fight that just got worse and worse. Till one day last week, we was on our way to church and once again the fight was on. I made him stop the car, actually he wasn't going to stop the car; he got to a stop sign and I jumped out... I was walking, so he screams at me, I can't live this was... we are talking to the pastor again... yeah alot of good that did.... right from the get go I was made to feel that I was made to feel I was the blame. Then something I never thought possible, or something I never thought about, my pastor asks me "Susie, since you have lost all your weight do you think you look better, and do you feel you are looking toward other men?" <tears > when did this become my fault? All because I wanted to be healthy and live for my family, and to find out my husband has been stepping outside our vows. The pastor went on to say "I happen to like a woman with a little meat on her bones" I couldn't believe he said that to me as he knows the problems I have had with the negative coments from people in my church.

So last night when I got home form work, I didn't go upstairs; I didn't want to fight. I just don't have it in me anymore. So I stayed downstairs reading through posts on here, from all you people i have come to love and adore... you are my family... Anyway, Marc came down, I didn't say anything, but I thought for sure he was going to start in.... He asked if we could talk, I said about what? He said we need to seperate, I told him I seen it comeing, that just yesterday I went to nextel and put my phone in my name, and took my name off our joint checking acct. as I don't want to be tied to anything of his, I have my own acct. got it when he screwed up and I didn't know where it was going. I told him I don't trust him and don't know if I ever will beable to again. I told him neither one of us is happy, and i can't fix it.... the damage is done now, and there is no reversing it! I told him and the pastor "my entire life, beginning with my sperm donner (biological father) I have been treated bad by men ~~~ my whole life! and just when you think you know someone it starts all over again.

I don't mean to dump here, but who's going to listen to me that understands where I am comeing from???? Why if he married me when I was fat and "supposedly" loved me then, what is different??? I am still me, my personality has not changed..... I thought we would be together forever, I see thats not the case.... He moved to his brothers place, I am so angry and mad that he allowed this to happen. ....... Forever alone.... Susie

AlabamaChick · 06-29-2007, 11:57 PM

Awwwwwwww Susie, my heart breaks for you honey. (((((((((HUGS))))))))) I can say this with all honesty that I understand where you are coming from. I do not agree with the pornography either and it is an insult to me and our relationship. I had sort of a similar thing happen, but thank God my honey listened to my feelings and says he don't understand why I feel the way I do, but he understands how important this is to me and he promised me he wouldn't do it anymore. The week I went with him in his diesel a few months ago, I was browsing through his stuff in the truck when he was out tying down a load and I found a video. It was the most disgusting thing! And to beat it all.....it was "6 HOURS" of the crap! I was so hurt, I just cried. Here I am been overweight all of my life and TRYING so hard to get myself healthy again and feel good about myself and have some sort of self confidence again and now this.... I didn't know what to do about it. I did pray about it while he was out of the truck and I cried. I couldn't make my heart stop hurting. Well, he got in the truck after he was finished and we started on the road......I couldn't talk about anything even though he was talking. I faced my window most of the time with my legs up on the dash so he couldn't see the tears coming down my face and he realized I was crying. He asked me what was wrong and I couldn't tell him because I was afraid. Afraid of how it would come out and afraid of his reaction. So I thought being quiet was the best thing. Well, he could tell I was really hurt about something...and he said to please talk to him and tell him what was wrong...so I just told him what I found. He was a little shocked at first about my reaction and being so hurt, but he told me he couldn't believe that would get me so upset and hurt me so bad and that it was nothing to him. He told me he loves ME and that's why he's with ME. He said that is just something to pass time. Yeah, right....is what I was thinking. I told him it really bothers me because he is gone every week all week long and with him watching stuff like that while he is away it only makes me worry more that he will do something stupid like being with someone else. (I know that is an insecurity "I" need to work through and it's not that bad, but my first marriage of 17 yeras did end because of my husband being unfaithful, so the mark is there) He explains to me that he is not my ex and he is NOT going to ever do something like that to me. He said he sees it totally different when being on a video or a book. He said now if he was invited to go to a strip joint, he would not go no matter when anyone said. He has always been someone to speak his own mind and not care what other people think and I do believe him on that part. But it's just a stab to me that I know "I" will never look like that no matter how hard I try and even if I did, I would have all of the left over scars on my body from having surgery to get that way. So, it's a lose/lose situation. And for me to be fighting with all of my being and having this surgery to just become healthy and in a sense look good in the process, it was just too painful to have him doing something like that. So, he said he didn't see anything wrong with it because he only thinks of me whenever he does see something like that, but to make me happy he would not do it anymore. I do believe him. He actually was a very loving and caring person that day. Hmmmm....wonder how I can get him to do that everyday! LOL But anyway Susie, so I know the pain that comes with it, but I really sorry your hubby was not as understanding as my sweetie and that he is willing to even risk losing you and your marriage overt his. It's also another issue to even let your son take the fall for something he did. I think that is unforgiveable in my book. That would hurt me even more than the porn. So he was willing to even put it before your son. I DO NOT agree with your pastor and if I were you I think I would voice my opinion to him about my disgust the way he handled your situation and I think I would even find me another church to go to. He has NO business being a marriage counselor if he is judgemental that way. I can say that because my dad was a pastor from the time I was born and my brother has been ever since he was 22 and he is 44 now. So....I was raised in a family of preachers. And I do know how judgemental they can be. My brother is one of the worst kind! Heck, my family is. I am the blacksheep because I have lived with my honey for the past 6 years and we are not technically married. We are legally though because we are common law, but that is another issue all together. But my family says I will go to hell because I live with him. I know in my heart that's not true. I am just shocked that your pastor would take up for your hubby with the porn issue. That is shocking! I know this is long and not everyone will want to read it all, but I hope it helps you to know in your mind Susie that you are not weird or wrong in your feelings and beliefs. I agree that it does not have a place in a relationship. It's wrong. We wouldn't want our daughters growing up and being the porn queens, so why would we agree for anyone else's to be? But to each his own.....I just don't have to support it or be around it. I am not judgemental that way either. I accept a person for who they are and care about them for what is inside, not what their job is. But I do speak my mind too and I am very opinionated. All I can tell you Susie is you have to be honest with yourself and what you can live with. I learned to deal with my divorce by realizing that it's okay to love someone and not be able to live with them. So, I decided to love my ex, but just from a different house. Now......that love is no longer there the way it used to be. I do not want anything to happen to him and I do love him because he is my kid's daddy, but I would NEVER wanna spend my life with him again. It's a very hard choice to make dear, but you have to make the choice based on what you can live with. You can't make choices for someone, but you can make the choice of whether you can live with their decision or not. EVeryone has to be themself and if you can't live with the way someone is, then it's okay to not with them. In your heart, let it be okay for you to let go and take care of yourself, because it is okay! Gosh, I wish I could just give you a big hug to make you feel better. I am here to support you........if you ever need anything.....

taleci · 06-30-2007, 05:57 AM

Susie,
I am sorry that you are hurting so badly right now. We base so much of our lives on our partnerships that it is hard when we feel like we've been betrayed and the partnership disintegrates. Especially when it has caused other areas in our lives, like your son moving out, to drastically change.

I have been with DH for more than 15 years now. He loved me thin, loved me MO and is my biggest cheerleader as I begin on this journey. We are two very different people, he's the quintessential "bad boy" and I was (an occasionally still am

) the "good girl". We've been through a tremendous amount together and even though we are so different to core of our beings, we manage to keep the marriage going strong. But we do that be accepting each other's strengths and weaknesses for what they are and by respecting each other as adults.

In reading your post, it seems like there was a lot of dictating going on. You told your husband he couldn't do this, you embarrassed him by bringing it to his pastor and made it a family event by involving your son. I am not trying to offend you, point fingers or cause you to be upset in any way. But try to look at the situation from your husband's point of view. He is a grown man who was made to feel low and "dirty" in what became a very public forum. Even though you made these things clear when you first got together, people change and grow over a relationship's time frame and we can either work through the growing pains or step out of the relationship. When we work through the tough stuff, we grow ourselves and our bonds of marriage get stronger. I think sometimes as the mom, it is hard to remember that our DH's are men and partners, not little children that require our guidance. They deserve the right to make their choices. If their choices are something that you can live with, then great, if they aren't then you need to make the decisions on how you are going to deal with it. In any instance though, flexibility is key. I could live with porn and magazines, but if DH ever had a physical relationship with another woman, he and I will be through. In my case, I have no issue with porn. I think it is a VERY natural function. I think that just by their biological nature, men crave variety. I would certainly rather he get that from a video than from suppressed curiosity toward another female. Sometimes, I am so worn out at then end of the day that I would rather wash dishes than engage in sex and it makes me grateful that porn exists. Also, I like to see what excites DH, so sometimes, I'll take a peek at what he's looking at just to learn new ways to please him. Personally I think the movies are cheesy, cheesy and I don't think I could watch more than a couple of minutes. However, sharing intimate moments with something that is so personal as our sexuality is the type of thing that helps to bond us closer and make our sex life more about pleasing each other.

I don't know if your relationships are salvageable, but if I were in your shoes, I would find a therapist that shared my values and start working from there. I hope that everything works out for you.
Kinds thoughts and hugs and being sent your way.

LisaM · 06-30-2007, 06:31 AM

Suze, darlin',

I'm so sorry that you're hurting so bad.

I fall somewhere in the middle on the porn issue, but have always felt that, if it's brought into a partnership, BOTH partners have to be OK with it. You obviously weren't, you told him as much from the get-go, and he violated your trust.

I'm absolutely with Trina on the part where, when he allowed you to blame your son, by not speaking up he betrayed your son's trust in him, as well. I would certainly be talking to your son as much as possible, to try to repair the relationship.

Your preacher is wrong, dead wrong... I'm a preacher's grandkid, and I'm here to tell you that preachers are human beings, with all the failings and awfulness that comes along with that. And you have a right to be angry at what the man said to you.

Finally, and most importantly, you are not alone.

JenBear7 · 06-30-2007, 09:48 AM

Susie..

It is always hard to deal with mistrust. I totally agree with Trina on the son thing.. he should have never let your son take the fall... that makes him worse than irresponsible... its unacceptable. As far as the porn.. I guess Im one of those young open minded people... it doesnt bother me. But, if he agreed to not view it.. and he did.. then he lied, and broke your trust.

Things have a way of working themselves out in the right way.. its not easy to get through.. but if you were meant for each other, you will be able to eventually work through any problems that pop up.. and if you werent meant for each other, you will eventually find a way to make peace within yourself.. not saying any of that will be easy, or happen over night...

{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}} Dont forget to take care of YOU..

Polly D · 06-30-2007, 01:42 PM

I am angry about the pastor's comment about meat and bones. His preferences have no relevance whatsoever to your marriage. I'm also suspecting that the women your husband was looking at were not women with "meat on their bones".

I am sorry for the pain you are going through. Myself I think no marriage is better than a bad marriage but I now that is not a universal opinion. Maybe you can find ways to give yourself what you need emotionally, and I'd think that even if you didn't have a history of bad experiences with men. I'm finally standing on my own feet emotionally and it's wonderful.

I disagree with the idea above (don't remember who said it) about you being wrong to embarrass your husand to your pastor. I don't presume to know enough about someone else's marriage to have a firm opinion on where things broke down, but I would hate to see you feeling it's all your fault because you took it to your pastor. seeking counsel for a troubled marriage situation sounds like a good plan to me, in fact. If I decide to get money from an ATM in a high crime area and someone shoots me, did I deserve it because I went into a high crime area? Should I go to jail because I brought it on myself? Of course not, the shooter did the wrong and is the one who goes to jail. I don't support blaming the victim.

Again, I am sorry for your pain.

Gracie · 06-30-2007, 02:08 PM

I found a research article that is sort of tough to understand, but it says, "One study (of Bariatric Surgery patients) found an increased divorce rate. Careful examination of the data, however, revealed that this was the result of the dissolution of very poor relationships not the disintegration of healthy ones."

We are not just victims of our hormones. We may actually be better thinkers, and decision makers than we were in the past.

Maybe some, if not all of our marriage issues are about us getting a better self image, a better respect for ourselves and finding out we didn't settle for the best person when we married.

Newbie Lap Band
7/3/07 meeting with Dr. Davidson, Bariatric Surgery Center Dallas

MiladyB · 06-30-2007, 04:17 PM

Susie, I think the biggest issue here is that your husband has broken your trust. And then he went as far as to allow what he did to come between you and your son. Those are major issues to have within a relationship and will not be easy to work through. You and your husband will have to decide if your marriage is important enough to both of you to try to save it. That is something only the two of you can answer.

Please don't allow what the pastor said to you make you put any of the blame on yourself. Your husband is the one to blame here. His unwillingness to take respondsibility tells me that he has a lot of insecurity issues that he needs to work through.

Take the time that you need here to work on what is important to you and hopefully he will be doing the same.

You are in my thoughts and prayers, Susie.

sdgrrl · 06-30-2007, 04:22 PM

When I was growing up in the 60's there was a song with a catchy beat and easy to understand words. The chorus went, "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife, so from my personal point of view, pick an ugly girl to marry you." The rest of the song spoke to how pretty women want things all the time and are pursued by other men and are always going to hurt you. Okay, we know that one's BS. What I want to say is that insecure men often pick women that they perceive as less attractive in order to have someone to feel superior to. When that woman suddenly becomes "beautiful" (remember this has NOTHING to do with who you are inside, who he is, what he looks like, what you've shared, what you've promised, the length of time--NONE of it) they get more insecure and instead of feeling lucky that they have the most beautiful wife in the room inside and out, their insecurities get the best of them. It's a self fullfilling prophecy for men. They are so afraid they don't rate you, they make sure you won't stay with them. It's so stupid.

Someone asked Michelle once if she minded that I had lost the weight and had turned out to be pretty. She looked at them like their hair was on fire and said, "Are you kidding me? I love this woman fat, thin, bald, wrinkly, asleep or awake. And I am grateful that she loves me." Hello men? Wake up and realize that if you've treated your woman with respect and you have a good relationship, that gorgeous woman is still the same woman. Her killer body is the bonus in the relationsjhip, not the basis, and not the threat.

Susie, I am so very sorry this is going on for you, and I wish I could make it go away for you. The damage to your relationship with your son is agregious, and would be the death of my partnership right there. To let a kid get the blame like that is reprehensible. These are heart breaking decisions and events for you, and I am glad we can at least be here on the screen for you, but I would so rather be there to hug you and let you cry this pain out. If you want my cell number, let me know and I will pm it to you. I have two good ears and two bony shoulders I will let you use if you want.

Your pastor is a jackass. He's probably doing the organist and the choir boy. I wouldn't trust him with my address, let alone the scary squishy parts of my heart.

You and your surgery are not what caused the death of your relationship, Susie. Your husband can't deal, and you may find out he hasn't been dealing for a lot longer than you think. So much pain.....I'm so sorry, Sweetie.

Groovey kinda Love · 06-30-2007, 08:55 PM

[quote=sdgrrl;197817]
Your pastor is a jackass. He's probably doing the organist and the choir boy. I wouldn't trust him with my address, let alone the scary squishy parts of my heart. QUOTE]

Donna, I appreciate everything you have said along with everyone else on here.... But LOL ROFL the organist is the pastors wife of 40 years LOL sorry I understood what you said but that made me laugh, I needed that laugh thanks.... Susie