winning against the war that rages inside - Page 2 - ThinnerTimes

sdgrrl · 06-30-2007, 11:07 PM

SEEEEEEE!!!! I told you he was probably doing her! How sad it is that with them being married 40 years, he most likely isn't doing her......sigh.

But I'm glad I could give you a laff today, SusieQ! Any port in a storm, I always say!

I love you, Darlin' and I hate to see you sad. Why must people always fart on what's wonderful and working and valuable in their lives? The number of fantastic, funny, smart, warm, loving, beautiful, incredible people on this forum are sooooo much more substantive than the vapid Paris Hilton standard "beauties"... If they don't want us, then by God, someone a whole lot better than them will! And Susie, maybe it will be someone who won't need you to pull double shifts....JMHO

AlabamaChick · 06-30-2007, 11:41 PM

Susie, just so you know, I don't agree that there is alot of "dictating" going on in your marrage. I don't understand how one could say such a thing. It's no different to me than your hubby making it plain before the marriage that he cannot deal with you letting your mother control your finanaces. That has caused MANY divorces and for a ligitimate reason. It is no different then your hubby telling you he can't take a shower in a mold covered bathroom. His choice is either clean it himself always or get out of the relationship because he can't ever have a decent shower and is miserable with you for it. Same with porn, you made it known to him before and he understand that it was not something acceptable in the relationship and he breeched that trust! So, you either deal with it or make a change. It is not YOUR fault that you are forced to make a change because you dont want to deal with it. That is YOUR choice and nobody else's to judge you for it. YOU need to be happy and YOU were the honest one. I also do not agree that you embarrassed your husband by going to counseling with your pastor. Apparently, he agreed or he would not have been sitting in that room in that chair. Did you hog tie him and drag him behind the car? I think not. He's a big boy! Lastly, then I'll get off my soap box, Yes Jesus did forgive, but he DIDN'T forget. He just gives people a chance to make a change. They will still answer for all they did one day, whether you believe it will be by the Almighty God's hand of judgement or by Karma....it will come back around. So, it's not forgotten! The thing here is.....We are supposed to be forgiving in nature, but God also gave us a brain and common sense to not let hurtful things happen to us the second time again. If someone runs over you with their car because they are mad at you, you can forgive them, but will you walk back out in front of their car again when you know they are mad at you again??? NOOOOOOOOO You learn from your past, you protect yourself with the common sense you were given, and you move on. NOBODY has right to say you are dictating when you put the cards on the table and was the HONEST one from the beginning. It has nothing to do with strengths and weaknesses and being accepting of each other. It has to do with TRUST and loving someone enough to not do the things you KNOW will hurt them.

Please talk to your son and fix that relationship the best you can. I know it's a hard thing, but I know if it were my son, I would not let myself rest until that was mended from my side anyway. You never know, maybe he can find a way to understand one day. Good luck with him Susie. I can only imagine how that hurts too.

And Donna, you are cracking me up here, you are so funny! LOL Makes me wanna hug your tiny lil body too! LOL I love the scenario about not pulling the double shifts. See Susie, there IS always hope and you will go in the direction you are meant to. Don't EVER say you are forever alone. You have US!

Gina in NY · 07-01-2007, 05:57 AM

Whatever the substance, he broke the bond of trust. If you don't have trust in your relationship, if you're going to be looking for mags and videos everyday to see "what he's up to", your relationship is already over. The actual separation is just a formality.

It is a proven fact that men find their wives less attractive after viewing porn. My problem always was that I didn't need any help being less attractive!

Your pastor was WAY out of line - but he's a man, so are any of us really surprised. Check what is under his matress.

Also - I think your husband wanted you to catch him. Why else program the TV automatically when he knows you're going to be home. He was trying to get caught honey - he was trying to end this. He chose one thing that he knew you couldn't abide so he's a coward, really. Unable to handle the new you. Unable to confront the real issues - his insecurity. He chose the easiest way out for him - drive you away. It is classic - men do it all the time. Heck, so do women.

And there is no way on earth that you haven't changed. It isn't possible dear. Massive weight loss changes us - every single relationship we have has to adjust. Every one of my best friends, each of my family members, no matter how close and comfortable, has had to adjust. It isn't easy for them. My friend who is a size 10 is going to soon be sharing clothes with me. She actually started crying when I said I might end up an 8 - she just started crying saying she'd never be an 8. I was shocked - she is gorgeous! How could that make her feel insecure - but it does. If I do fit into an 8 - she's going to have to adjust - can you imagine? Some people would rather stop being friends than make an adjustment like that - even though it seems so silly to me. Marriage is much more complicated.

I don't yet know if my marriage will evolve with the changes I've made. I thought I was the same person to, but too many people close to me have said I've changed. Even stronger, even more sure of myself, even more energetic. It is like the old me with a magnifying glass!

Anyway - the end of this relationship is a good chance to reconcile with your son. That is one relationship worth fixing.

Good luck - I know it sucks, but this is the way it is. You have to be true to yourself.

bridgetgirl · 07-01-2007, 10:46 AM

am crying for you because your pain is my pain sistergirl. I dont wish to elaborate but I found your comment " being treated poorly by men... to have it start all ove again" profound. Amen sister. I was talking to Robin about the same thing this morning... what is it about my/our personality that draws men with odd/destructive behaviors to me? I have my first appointment with psych on the 27th.. no matter how thin, healthy and beautiful we are, it doesnt make things any easier... I wish it did. ((( HUGS ))

Groovey kinda Love · 07-05-2007, 10:39 PM

So I sat here readin each and everyone of your posts.... and yet though I see something in each one, I don't agree that I was wrong. If it was me he would have called me out on the carpet in a heart beat and not thought twice about it......

So since my first posting this is what has taken place.... I am so moody and so emotional I really don't know where to begin.... So anyway....

I am just now going through the pangs of seperation and divorce. When we married almost 4years ago I was like "forever" ..... now I am emotionally hurt, physically and emotionally deprived, starving for the "i love you baby touch or the wink from across the room"

I know I have changed, but haven't we all? in one way or another, my independance has gotten stronger, and my "I can't do it attitude" no longer exists.... I feel Marc married the Cardinals and is having an affair with me... I am not the jealous type, and I am not sos high maintenance that I have to have his attention 24/7, but because of issues we are n o longer together, and today in a very calm and rested atmospher, over the phone we booth agreed it was over! just that smooth and easy.... it's over.... We don't have kids, or any assest together..... but we did have at one time love, a love that i thought was forever...

Today I was able to tell him how I feel with out there being a shouting match, or fingers pointing, or the "well if only you did this, or if you did that" I was able to tell him I don't trust him and as long as there is no trust we have nothing... it kills me cause at one time we were madly inlove head over heals for each other, and now when I see him, or hear his voice or even think of him, I feel all the pain of the past year or two.... How long is it before I can only feel the numb affect? What ever happend to forever?

porshh951 · 07-05-2007, 10:55 PM

Just caught this thread and there is a pm coming you're way.

(hugs)

Gina in NY · 07-06-2007, 04:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Groovey kinda Love

How long is it before I can only feel the numb affect? What ever happend to forever?

You know, we do the best we can. You were in love - things changed - now you aren't. As long as you are true to yourself, you will heal. Yes, again, I know it sucks but the only way to get through it, is to go through it. There is no rhyme or reason to love - it is a complete crazyness. Steals your heart, breaks your heart - this is the way it has been since the beginning of time and the way it will always be.

I know the desire for numbness, but the heart has its own rhythm of healing. Lots of crying is usually involved. Maybe a good movie?

The point is, you don't have to have done anything wrong, for things to go wrong. You don't have to have made a mistake for things to fall apart. You have done and will continue to do the very best you can and that is all any of us can do.

AlabamaChick · 07-06-2007, 05:00 AM

Wish you lived closer to me.....we'd get you (and me) outta the house g'friend!!!

Groovey kinda Love · 07-06-2007, 05:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlabamaChick

Wish you lived closer to me.....we'd get you (and me) outta the house g'friend!!!

Trina,
Ya know I have been known to just get in my car and take off for the "drive" of course I knew where I was going, and the peace and tranquility of just me and my car andmy radio.... that is some good therapy in itself.... ((((hugs)))) thanks so much for the thought.

Groovey kinda Love · 07-09-2007, 07:23 AM

[
Allowing myself the time to reflect, that not had been so bad.
Learning to live everyday cause this very moment is all I have.

Telling myself it is "ok" to mourn the life I have lost,
Realizing the depth of a lost love and the empty pain
~ it all has a cost.

I was willing to give him my all, not knowing what my future may hold.
For better, or for worse.... In sickness and in health Vows taken...
love intertwined, days of bliss I was sure to unfold.

This love I was sure would stand the test of all time,
I thought we were stong and could over come any
and all negative sign.

Never dreamed I would once again be alone to
face what life has to give.Trying to figure out where do I belong,
and once again "learning to live".

My heart aches and can't seem to encapture the
vision of life I once had, Faceing it alone, with empty arms
seems to be so sad.

Learning to live each day minute by minute, hour by hour...
takeing one day at a time, for love holds over me
no greater power.

Accepting the hand of life I have been dealt,
feeling my heart crush a feeling of a wave of emotion
to my eyes my tears over flow and rush.

The emptiness I feel, why must it hurt so bad...
anger rages as I try to understand the deception
and lies and hidden life he had.

So learning to live, accepting lifes road I follow,
though in time this feeling I have will not remain hollow,
for I know who holds tomorrow.

I have to let go and forgive once again,
cause I can't learn to live if I bare the
unforgiving sin.

Written by: Susie
07~09~07