Warning, LONG: Limping without my (emotional) crutches - ThinnerTimes

LisaM · 05-16-2007, 06:00 AM

OK, I know my problems are minimal compared to any number of folks' physical and emotional issues right now... but by God, they're my problems, and I'm clutching them to my breast like a long-lost teddy bear...

Here's the deal. We all know we lose our best friend and major emotional crutch (food) when we have the surgery. Well, a couple of months post-op, I picked cigarettes back up again. Didn't publicize it on the board mostly, though admitted it when pushed.

Am using Chantix to stop smoking, and successfully quit now for two weeks (yay!). While I didn't and don't have the skin-inside-out, barbed-wire-for-blood, put-damned-near-anything-in-my-mouth so I don't feel this way munchies, I AM eating more, as evidenced by the weight gain of nearly five pounds from my lowest. I know, I know, five pounds is no big deal--but it's two pounds over the limit I set for myself, and I need to address it now, before it becomes ten pounds. I'll shortcut the first suggestion--I have neither uterus nor ovaries, so it isn't PMS, etc.

I can tell when I'm rational that the eating I'm doing is not because I'm hungry--it's boredom (I'm not working outside the house right now), frustration (can't seem to bring myself to get back to writing or anything productive), and more frustration 'cause I'm so mad at myself for my inability to focus. I head straight for the comfort food--peanut butter wrapped in a tortilla and warmed in the microwave, pizza, SF pudding, etc., which is another sign that it's emotional eating. I am attempting to control that with a food log, among other things. Another control tool is exercise; I work out for about two hours every other day--I'm at the maximum that my body can take at the moment.

OK, that's all the background. Sorry, I know it's long.

What's causing the beeline for the comfort foods is what I need your help with...I need your help with the voices in my head. The same old voices, most of you probably remember them. Part of me is panicking, and telling me to get off the Chantix and go back to smoking in order not to gain weight. Another part is spewing out the same old negative messages about my writing--"You're not as good at this as you think you are, or an agent would have already signed you on," "How many publishers have to reject this book before you realize that it's crap?" "What if it doesn't work, what if it never works?" "Who do you think you are?" I haven't been able to bring myself to send either the finished novel or the proposal for the non-fiction book out lately, because the idea of one more rejection makes me physically nauseous--was never good with rejection, but then, who is?

One lovely part of my monkey mind is just sitting in the corner gibbering in panicky screams, waving her arms about, and throwing feces at the other voices...

My old tools for quieting the voices were, of course, food and smoking. Don't have those any more. Any suggestions?

ceekerr · 05-16-2007, 06:59 AM

I know it's hard to quit smoking - I did it twice - enough to know that if I were to EVER start again, I wouldn't be able to quit the third time. I feel for you! My only suggestion is to stay busy - (as if hubby and family weren't enought to entirely fill your day and then some) - get a hobby - read a book - keep your hands busy! Take up needlework, crafts - paint your kitchen - anything to keep your hands full of something else besides cigs! GOOD LUCK!

Carol

Vois · 05-16-2007, 07:24 AM

I'm going through the same thing. When I feel the urge for a cigarette I get up and take a short walk (even at work).

I t isn't easy but we all know that the only positive thing about smoking is that it curbs the appetite. I lose my balance when I smoke a whole cigarette and I have been smoking like a freight train lately to deal with drama. I guess we traded one addiction for another. We'll quit smoking and start drinking

watergirl · 05-16-2007, 07:30 AM

"The Secret" Have you heard about it. Get the DVD and book. I'd be happy to share some wonderful stories with you about this and how it has worked for myself and others. It's truely amazing.

JenBear7 · 05-16-2007, 08:43 AM

How do you feel about vodka? Or Meth?

Exactly!!

It took me about a month to get over the what the hell do my hands do... wanna know what my hands do'd? Do you know those cinamon sticks? They come in the spice section... about a little longer than a cigerette.. and they are hollow.. so you can pretend... They kept my hands/mouth/mind fooled just long enough to get over it... and get over it you will.. if you start smoking again, you will just have to re-quit.. and if you continue to eat.. you will have to re-lose.. argh.. thats too many re's! You can always call me, email me... and scream, rant, rave etc.. My number will hit your PMs shortly!

You can do it...

LyndasRoom · 05-16-2007, 08:44 AM

Lisa,
I love your writing, and would subscribe to anything you've written.
I complained about eating out of boredom at my last visit, and was advised to learn to knit, crochet...anything that would keep my hands busy. It does help...I made my son's girlfriends prom dress! I used a knifty knitter (thanks Leesa) to make a scarf, and am about to start on another...
Venting helps to deal with the feelings that send us to the cabinet or refrigerator for food..You're doing everything right, you're a great example to those of us who follow you. Hang in there, Lisa. The smoking is not worth it in the end, you know that in your head...but our addictions bring up old 'tapes' that are hard to get rid of. I wish you the best of luck, you are strong, and will prevail.

CeeCee · 05-16-2007, 10:14 AM

I quit smoking close to 14 yrs ago. Yup, I still want one on a regular basis. I have maybe 1 butt every 2 yrs. When my little voice starts whispering "You won't need food if you'll just light up", I remember the wonderful man who would have been my father-in-law had he survived his lung cancer. I remember visiting him as he lay dying in his hospital bed, sounding like he was drowning in the crap in his lungs. Have you ever seen one of those suction machines they use on patients to suck the mucous and crap from their lungs? Ever seen a pint or so of it sitting right there next to you on a table? Probably TMI, I know, but it has kept me more than once from buying a pack in the last 4 yrs! On a more positive note, I would then go drink water until my back teeth floated and I didn't want to put ANYTHING in my mouth! SF gum helps too.

porshh951 · 05-16-2007, 10:23 AM

Lisa you're so direct and honest I love it. You've got the right idea of addressing it early before it becomes a real problem. As far as suggestions for filling you're "need" with something productive other than food or cigarettes. Its different for everyone. My avenue was exercise.

Maybe try taking a day out and find something that intrests you. Movies/music?

I know this might sound stupid but, one lady im working with right now loves to shop. So for her she gets her exercise in while walking around the mall for several hours shopping. She loves it and it fills her day with some busy she loves to do. Instead of eat or drink(she likes alcohol).

Like I said its going to be different for everyone. You are on the right track trying to find something constructive to fill the void. Its only a matter of time before you do. So get out there and start exploring. You can do it!

Sasamarie · 05-16-2007, 10:26 AM

Ok I dont know if this will help or not. But when your at home and you feel like eating or smoking go brush your teeth. It will give you something to do for 10minutes and having nice clean breath will make you not want to get it all dirty with food or smoking. Like I said dont know if that helps but it is a way to have clean teeth and not do the other too! I would suggest a hobby too! Make sure your hands are always busy!

About the book... I know rejection sucks. I deal with this really really bad. So I can understand where you are coming from. When something gets me so worked up about it I have to talk myself into doing things. For instance in your case I would tell myself.
I can do this, if I dont send it out it will never come true. So perhaps your desire to have the book published will give you the drive to deal with the rejections. After all you already written it. It will be a shame if you dont keep trying. And if you feel like you really can not handle the rejections tell your hubby to check the mail, or a friend. Let them cushion the blow for you!

I wish you all the best and hope you get published! You can do it!!

LisaM · 05-16-2007, 10:53 AM

Thanks, guys, all good suggestions - and CeeCee, a visualization I hope I never forget. Since I'm just now at the "coughing up that crap" stage, it's an easy picture to draw.

I appreciate the ideas to start a hobby or pick up other interests, and should have explained that, too, but Lord help me, I had to stop at some point so y'all could start answering. So here's the hobby situation:

I quilt, I have five boxes full of quilt materials, notions, and ideas, and my husband brought my sewing machine up from the basement before he left three days ago on a business trip. Haven't brought myself to take the cover off it yet or open a box.

I crochet in front of the TV at night--my needle fell down in the couch two days ago, haven't made the effort to pull it out of there yet.

I bought a keyboard and the lesson books last Saturday morning (at a garage sale, I'm cheap)--been meaning to teach myself the piano for years, tried unsuccessfully about ten years ago, figured I'd give it another shot. Haven't plugged the dang thing in yet.

Swear to whatever you happen to find holy, if it wasn't for the weight gain, I wouldn't be freaking out nearly so much. In some ways, this is my normal post-job, pre-writing funk. I go through the tortures of the damned , and eventually sit down and get started on a book and then I'm happy. Writers do have these voices in our heads most of the time - we just slap a name on them and call them "characters."

However, this is the first one of these that has a) taken place since my surgery, and b) taken place since I quit smoking. I do not want to smoke again, I do not want to gain the weight back. I need to write, I want to write, I'm capable of any number of mind-distracting actions... I just can't bring myself to actually DO anything. I feel like I'm in a straitjacket of my own making, and I can't find the freaking zipper! ARRRRGGGGGGHHHHH.

There. Primal scream therapy. Didn't help, but it sure felt good for a second. Love you guys...keep talking, maybe I'll find that spark I need...