Control Freaks - ThinnerTimes

brutherford · 01-27-2005, 05:13 PM

Over the past few weeks, I've become increasingly aware of my control issues. It started when some guy that Jeanette and I met while out dancing called me a control freak. It pissed me off and I dismissed it because he said it in reaction to the fact that I wouldn't let him grope me (DUH?!), but it "stuck in my craw" so to speak... Then, Dara posted something on another thread about control issues and I started to think about it. I've turned it over and over in my head and now have some things that I'd like to share:

Of course I'm a control freak - I had years of practice when I was MO. I did everything humanly possible to ensure that I wasn't going to embarrass myself or anyone else with my weight or the way I looked. There could never be any "wardrobe malfunctions"; I wouldn't sit in any chair that looked remotely flimsy; I couldn't let anyone know how desperately unhappy, uncomfortable, or unhealthy that I felt; I had to maintain the "happy fat person" shtick so that people wouldn't pity me; blah blah blah. Even not going out or socializing was a form of control.
Of course I'm a control freak even now after losing almost half my body weight. The weight loss has made me incredibly vulnerable, which is terrifying to someone who was always the brunt of jokes and had been assaulted and humiliated. I simultaneously love and hate the attention I get now, and I try my darndest to control everything - what people see, hear, and think about me.
I certainly want to control what people see of my body because I'm so uncomfortable with it's new shape. It's not just the extra skin (which, for the record, is SO not as bad as we all think it is), I want to control what people see of the good parts so as not to be thought of as slutty or desparate or any one of the hundreds of negative things I've thought about myself.
What is control? It's an illusion. The only thing that we can control is our own behavior, and even that's iffy sometimes. We can't control what people think, how they see us, etc.
How much time do I spend trying to control everything? Too fu**ing much, let me tell you. It takes a lot of energy to anticipate every possible thing that can go wrong, and it's a useless job because inevitably something does go wrong that you never even considered. How much more relaxed, contented, and generally happy would I be if I weren't trying to control everything? Thinking about giving up the control actually relieves me to such a degree that I want to just take a nap.

Anyway, those are some of the conclusions that I've come to. Anyone else have something to add?

Dara · 01-27-2005, 05:48 PM

Barb:

The obsession to control is ridiculous, but it's all I know and all I'm comfortable with. Even when I do something inane that gets me into trouble and causes me to feel horrible, I'm still controlling the situation because I chose to do the bad thing that put me there! (Does that make sense??)

Let's see...I detest surprises of any kind. I hate not knowing what my Christmas presents are. I am disability insurance poor because I want to be prepared in case something happens to me. I can't even go to a haunted house because I freak out when someone scares me. The unknown is petrifying to me. Sounds like a control freak, doesn't it?

Because I've blocked a lot of the trauma in my younger life, I still don't understand some of my behaviors and the need to control. I feel like I'm living reactively rather than proactively. Consciously, it feels out of my control. But it's not...I do the behavior that causes it. Why??? How the hell do I know?!?!!? I've blocked it all!

Oh, lord, I know you must be confused--I know I AM!!

On the positive side, I've taken some very big steps in the last several years. I got healthy mentally. I found a great husband and I now actually believe that someone can love me unconditionally (although it took two years to believe it). I got healthy physically (thank you, Dr. Callery).

All I know for sure is that I'm really tired of trying to control my life and everything around it. As I get older and wiser, I want to give up and take what life gives me. Maybe someday I can.

watergirl · 01-28-2005, 08:07 AM

I'm working on this too. Another life lesson for me. This is what I've learned. It's never as bad as I think it's going to be. When things are out of my control, like surgery, I give it over to God, because I can't deal with the enormity of the situation. Whether to live or to die, it's totally out of my control. This is a much bigger issue than I think your dealing with - life or death.

The everyday things - I have a harder time with. Some days I deal with them better than others. It's fun to let go sometimes, but scary too. Try little baby steps and see how it goes.

My husband is the biggest control freak around. I've had to learn over the years that I can't be the control freak too! I guess you do learn from every relationship.

bridgetgirl · 01-28-2005, 09:57 AM

Hi my name is Bridget and I'm a control freak. This wasnt something I didnt know I was until KAREN told me. I brought it up in therapy and a guy friend told me I was too. I thought about it and I am.... but I am working on it everyday. It's frighteneing to "let go." But I'm a work in progress...... one day at a time right?

Bigbaldbuddie · 02-04-2005, 08:29 AM

Interesting.

How would one know if they are a control freak outside of someone else telling you you are one?

bridgetgirl · 02-04-2005, 10:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bigbaldbuddie

Interesting.

How would one know if they are a control freak outside of someone else telling you you are one?

I didnt know I was one UNTIL someone told me I was... then I started notining controling behavior... like how/what and my kids ate... I was a freak about portion and content as I was afraid of them getting fat.. of course they arent but still I was trying to control that.... also with dating... ALWAYS asking destiiny related questions... an example of that would be, "so where is this going?" Thats trying to control too... I have learned to let that kind of stuff go. I didnt know I was such a freak... but then I guess it takes one to know one right?

I love ya Miss Karen!

brutherford · 02-04-2005, 02:18 PM

It certainly was my wake up call. I didn't realize the extent that I went to control things before, and just in the past few weeks have been able to see exactly how much I try to control things and how negatively that impacts my life. For me, I think it's tied to the overall issue I have with perfectionism. I've known for awhile that I set insane expectations for myself and then rip myself apart when I don't meet that insanity. I've been working on that part - but what I hadn't realized is that my perfectionism can even be seen in the way I dress at work. I want to be in control of every aspect of how people see me, and it's simply exhausting. I took several big steps since realizing these things - opening up and admitting I was having a horrible day to my new friends at work; meeting up with new work friends in only sweats and a t-shirt... Yeah, these things sound petty, but they're pretty significant for me.

I know where the perfectionism came from and it was not a positive influence in my life. This week in therapy, we did EMDR so that I could try to get it under control. EMDR always makes me feel MUCH better and I haven't yet had a "relapse" of perfectionism since my appointment on Monday. It doesn't mean that it's totally gone or taken care of, but it does mean that I can take a bit of a breather and get comfortable in this new place.

So, Gerry - I posted this one because I thought that it might apply to others too. If someone hasn't called you a control freak then you just might want to take inventory of things and see what you think. From what I know of you so far, it doesn't look like it applies... but you never know!

Smooches, B

Karen Wright · 02-04-2005, 03:24 PM

Bridge,

You got that right sista!!! I am a total control freak too. That is why it is so easy for me to recognize this defect of charactor in others. Fortunately for me, I have been aware of my "condition" for over 10 years now and I work on it on a daily basis. Ask my hubby, he'll tell ya!

I come from a long line of controling women so breaking this habit is hard and there are certain times when it can be a good thing. It is finding the "middle" ground on it that can be so difficult.

It's nice to know that I am not alone, once again!

Love to all!

Bigbaldbuddie · 02-05-2005, 11:29 AM

Ok Barb that's it.

You are my offical control monitor during any event that we both happen to attend. (lol)

Just be gentle when giving me my "FREAK EVALUATION"

watergirl · 02-07-2005, 07:15 AM

You hit the nail on the head with me. It's finding that middle ground and letting go that's the hard part. With practice on the stuff that really doesn't matter, I've found helps me to realize that, it's okay.

You're never alone!