A long story from another group - ThinnerTimes

sandi · 01-19-2005, 03:05 PM

This is a quote from another gastric bypass group, I thought it was very thought provoking, it sure put things in prospective, scary and could be any one of us.....

Weight Regain - My Very Long Story

There have been several posts on our local Maryland lists regarding weight
regain. These posts prompted me to write the following to all the lists to
which I belong in the hopes of addressing any aspects of regain or even
plateaus
in losing:

My name is Bob and I am an addict (Chorus: â€œHi Bob!â€?). I'm definitely a
friend of Bill's. Not Bill the founder of AA, but Dr. Bill Marcus the
founder of
my new life. Dr. Bill was right when he told me 6 years ago that he was
operating on my stomach and not my brain and that weight loss surgery was
only a
tool. He would do the physical stuff and the emotional stuff was up to me.
Little did I know how much was up to me.

One of the tenants of addiction is that relapse will happen. Oh how I know
about relapse. Not only did I spend a professional career running drug
treatment programs and supervising drug abusing offenders, but I know
personally as
well since I am a food addict. I know it when I drive down the road and the
Taco Bell, the 7-11, the Dunkin Donuts and Krispy Kreme lights beckon to
me.
The late night foraging through the house for something to eat other than
a
protein drink reminds me of the alcoholic searching for the hidden bottle
of
booze hidden away in the back of the cabinet. It is a constant battle.
Every
day I deal with the addiction and some days I win and some days I lose.
Luckily there are more days won than lost, but it is a constant battle, and
unfortunately my moments of relapse coupled with the normalization of my
body and
its ability to process food have resulted in a weight gain.

Despite numerous operative and postoperative complications during my 1998
WLS and again after my abdominoplasty, I initially lost 240 pounds, The
"honeymoonâ€? period was wonderful. I followed all the rules and did what
Charlotte
and Dr. Marcus told me to do. I ate right and worked out every day. I
actually
lost too much weight and both Charlotte and Dr. Marcus told me to put some
weight back onâ€¦.music to my ears! I gained about 20 pounds by increasing my
carbs. At that same time my body was normalizing and learning new ways to
absorb
food. With the BPD I have a larger pouch and more malabsorption. After the
honeymoon period I could eat a normal size meal. I also developed a sweet
tooth
that was not there before the WLS. I now crave donuts! All kinds, round
ones, filled ones, frosted ones, chocolate ones,â€¦oh, sorry, I got a little
carried away. The result has been about another 20-25 pound weight gain. I
now
hover around 200 pounds below my heaviest. I feel fine and all the numerous
co
morbidities that were present before the WLS are still gone (i.e.,
Diabetes,
sleep apnea, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, edema in my legs,
shortness of breath, chronic cellulitus, gout, heel spurs, etc.). All in
all
I am very pleased with the outcome when compared to where I was 6 years
ago.
I would have the surgery again in a heart beat if needed. That said, there
are still some problems, most of which are caused by my own behavior.

I have often talked and written of my going back to square one and doing
the
things that led to my initial success. Why? Why do I need to keep dieting to
lose 10 or 20 pounds, gain them back and then lose them again? One of the
problems is that I have yet to accept myself for what I amâ€¦a 60 year old
flabby
guy who is not going to relive my youth. I am not going to be 20 again
roaming the beach in a Speedo looking for chicks. I am alive, which I might
not
have been if it were not for the WLS. I have a wonderful family, had a
great
career, and I am living a comfortable life where I am able to buy clothes
that
fit, have fun with my grand children and keep up with them. So what am I
upset about? I guess part of me really wants to experience what I missed by
not
being a thin 20 year old. I missed a part of my life because of my MO. I am
also upset that I am still addicted to food and that my ability to control
the
addiction sometimes waivers. I think what scares me is how easy it is to
fall
back into the addictive patterns of behavior. Things like eating in the
car,
sneaking food, stopping and eating all the time, obsessing about food, and
eating to repress feelings. These things scare me.

Now on the other hand, what WLS has given me that other addicts often do
not
have is a way to control my behavior. If I eat too much sugar now I don't
dump, I just spend more time in the bathroom. If I eat too many carbs I
gain a
little weight and again spend a lot of time in the bathroom. If I cut back
on
my carbs and increase my exercise I lose weight, spend less time in the
bathroom (which means I don't read as much), and I feel better. I actually
do
feel better physically when I watch my carbs and sugars.

Going back to square one does work. For example, I have been on the South
Beach Diet this week and I've been swimming for several days and lo and
behold
I've lost about 9 pounds! I still have control. I guess that is what
frightens
me the most. The fact that I might lose that control is still a great fear.
Intellectually I know that I will never regain all my weight but in the back
of my mind is that fear of failure. The decision is whether to use that
control or not. That's where I often relapse. I guess the bottom line is
that no
matter how much success I've had I always feel that I could, or should do
better. Well, the struggle continues as I fight the barb demons every day.
The
good thing is that I have not given up and I will continue to good fight
because life is better now than it was before WLS. I urge all of you to
continue
the fight as well. The rewards are magnificent.

Bob Altman
Dr. Marcus - BPD 10/98
More than 200 pounds gone but not forgotten!

brutherford · 01-19-2005, 04:22 PM

Thank you so much for posting that, Sandi! I REALLY needed to read it - it's interesting to me that seeing the words "weight regain" immediately made me think that this person has regained all that they lost through surgery, when in fact he's been battling 20 lbs, not 220 lbs. What is this "all or nothing" thinking that we do? 80% of the "normal" people that I know are trying to lose that last 20 lbs - why is it the end of the world for us?

Thanks again - it gave me a lot to think about while simultaneously making me feel better about the future.

Dara · 01-19-2005, 05:34 PM

Sandi:

Thank you so much for the post. I think his battle with food is familiar to all of us.

I sometimes wonder whether I am more afraid of regaining weight or maintaining weight. I am so familiar with failure--it's comfortable and the bad feelings that accompany it feed my need to self-abuse. After all, self esteem was nonexistent in my world for the past 45 or so years.

My decision improve my health with surgery came with the added bonus of a self esteem booster. I like to think that I am accepting my newfound self respect. However, if I am truly honest about my feelings, I must admit that I am still uncomfortable most of the time with all of the positive vibes.

I realize that recent post-ops and pre-ops look to us for inspiration and guidance. I'm always willing to share my journey, but it is sometimes scary to think I'm perceived as an inspiration. As much as the surgery and the journey to lose weight has been hard work, I now believe the effort to maintain will be the most difficult of all. I constantly struggle with the emotional ramifications of my new thin self. This phase is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

I can only take it day by day, pray that I will continue to be strong, try to learn positive tools, and eliminate negative tendencies. God help me.

Blueyz · 01-19-2005, 08:33 PM

Thanks Sandi for sharing this awesome post.

watergirl · 01-20-2005, 06:38 AM

Great find since most of us are fearful of regaining the weight. Thanks for sharing it with us.

Hugs and kisses!

Christina · 01-20-2005, 08:02 AM

Thanks Sandi,

That was a great post, I will be sure that Stuart reads it too. Thanks girlfriend.. came at the perfect time for me.. I tell ya.. you are a mind reader.