Someone Help me? confused.... - ThinnerTimes

lward76 · 03-15-2007, 01:43 PM

Well my surgery date is April, 11 and at first I thought my husband was ok with this...he went to my support groups and dr. visits! He has always been a good looking man and healthy...and so was I and I stress was! Anyway, here the last few days he is so against me having the surgery, and makes me so upset! I finally told him that I am having the surgery whether he likes it or not, that this is for me not for him! Well, lets just say it got to me to the point where i said that! We have been together since we were 14 I am now 30 we have 1 son that is almost 14....I am short and I carry my weight all in the belly, I was gonna have the lap band done and with very small sucesess and talking to my dr. and surgeon we have decieded that the rny would be a better surgery and better for me...i know i am rambling...but my husband will not stop making me feel so bad about having this done!

I love him so much...but he is really hurting me at the same time!

He has said several times that I will get skinny and leave him and I assure him that I wont! That I love him but I want to love myself too! He is insucure! And has been since he had a accident 4 years ago and lost his left eye! But, with all the surgery they have now he looks the same as before..but just not in his viewing! How can I help hiim to understand! I have tried everything! And so tired of arguing? Thanks all ...Laura

JenBear7 · 03-15-2007, 01:49 PM

Sometimes... you just have to show them.. and unfortunately.. hes going to have to wait for that.. maybe you can get him to agree to just live each day as it comes.. and not worry so much about the days that haven't happened yet? You do eventually have to do whats right for YOU.. and I wish you much success with your surgery, and with keeping your head together when it comes to the man in your life giving you grief about it..

Rachel · 03-15-2007, 03:00 PM

I think that there are many insecurities and worries that those that love us the most carry around inside. He may have had them all along and now that it is getting closer he is beginning to verbalize them. My husband was amazing through all of my appointments, my constant almost obsessive talking about the surgery, and listening to all my fears. A few days before my surgery I was in tears crying and telling him the things that I wanted him to remember to tell my kids if something were to happen to me... he got a little upset, not really angry, not mad, just upset and told me not to talk about that.

They usually have a hard time when it comes to things that they can't fix or control. The very best thing that you can do is continue to assure him that all will be fine and that the reasons you are doing this are so that you can be around for many many years to live your life with him and you family. The surgery will make you healthier and the bonus is that you will look great too. Try not to take it personally the things that he says, but try to understand where he is coming from and see if you can't get him to talk a little more about the reasons behind what he is feeling.

I wish you the very best of luck and I hope tht everything just falls right in line for you! HUGS

Miss Kitty · 03-15-2007, 03:48 PM

Yep, this is quite normal what your hubby is doing. My husband kept saying that his biggest fear was that I'd leave him when I get thinner. I hear the divorce rate is very high for WLS patients. I had my surgery 2 months ago and things are going great for us. One suggestion is to keep him involved by having him go to appointments with you and printing out articles you might see on here for him to read, etc. He also has some fears about you having complications too. Keep talking and keep on being intimate with each other! Keep being close and one day he'll be saying "this is the best thing we've ever done!".

mauldinmama · 03-15-2007, 03:59 PM

I am with you, I am hoping if I pass my heart tests next week I will have surgery week of 10 or 17th.
Like you my husband has gone to all my meetings and been with me each and every step of the way!
We haven't argued but I know like any man they always think the worst. You need to be calm when going into this surgery so I agree with all the others...You can't take his fears away but you can keep reminding him of your love...and get him involved with what your going to do...once the weight comes off....Get him involved....

Best wishes!

lward76 · 03-15-2007, 04:50 PM

Hi, again all....ok we had a good talk when he got home! I reminded him that I love him very much, but at the same time I also need to know that he is gonna love me the same afterwards! He said, Laura I dont want you to have this surgery because not my insurcities but because I dont want anything to happen to you,I dont want to lose you! (aww) and he said that it was a big change for all of us and he knows that I like to eat and drink soda..he also said that he was gonna be here for me for whatever happends and stand by me day by day till i get better! That he will love me regaurdless!! Well, that had meant so much to me! I dont expect my family to completely understand when I myself with all the research that I have been doing still have a hard to understand! But, I know soon enough I will!!! Thanks all! Laura

mauldinmama · 03-15-2007, 04:53 PM

There will be ups and downs I am sure..but at least you guys are talking and not yelling! Take care.....

CeeCee · 03-15-2007, 06:27 PM

Laura, that's all that was bothering my fiance too. He was just plain, old worried. When he saw me in the recovery room he almost lost it, he told me, because he had never seen me so out of it and defenseless. (I'm usually the "strong" one- I am woman, hear me roar?) You may want to warn your husband of that so he doesn't freak out, like my honey did. He is very supportive of me, and knows I did this for us, not just for me. Good luck- it sounds like you have a peach of a guy yourself!

Princess · 03-15-2007, 09:20 PM

wow, this sounds like my husband! I was originally offered a cancellation a week after my initial consult, I said I'd take it but my husband got so upset that I cancelled it. He told me he would rather have a fat wife than a dead one. He was so upset, the most I had seen in 22 years together so I told him I would not actually cancel but postpone until we (him) could get our heads around it. He took about another 6 mths till he finally said one day that he could understand my own need to do this and that he is with me on the decision.
We have chatted about how things will change, talked to the kids to explain everything and I have the full support of my family and have had lots of time to prepare so in hindsight postponing it was the right thing to do as we are going into this now as a team. I think one of Andy's worries is that I will get slim and not want him, I told him he is crazy, he said what if I turn into a MILF and I just said, well I will be your MILF!!!! He is still a bit nervous, so am I but the excitement is overuling the fear right now! I am surprising him tomorrow with a Dog Sledding tour, just the 2 of us!

ajmoe · 03-16-2007, 01:09 AM

It is a huge adjustment not only for you but for him as well. You are changing your body but also changing your life and your famlies lives. My husband starting having second thoughts about the surgery the closer it got. We talked all the time about it. I was scared and he was scared. He was afraid that it would not make my life better but would make it harder. We had done all the research together and he had done plenty on his own. So we knew exactly what we were getting into. The closer the surgery date got the more scared we each got. We were scared of things going wrong in surgery, we were scared of what life would be like after surgery. All the unknowns.
For us we feel the weight and health issues looming over us daily, for our partners, spouses and families, in their heads they know the weight is there, they know the health issues are there but it is just not the same for us. I know for me when I made the decision to have the surgery in many ways I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. I felt relief from dieting for the first time in years. Something changed in my mind right after the decision was made and I had the surgery date. After the surgery, a couple of weeks out, things changed for me again. It was a mental change that I decided to become more active. My body was changing I had an easier time moving and the mental change just happened. My whole attitude changed. It was a seamless change for me. For him it was quite the opposite. He noticed it as a dramatic change. Almost like it happened overnight. He is still working on catching up. I had the surgery and my attitude changed, I lost weight and feel better and can move better. He is still the same person as before the surgery. So it takes him longer to make the change and adjustment.
Try to keep talking, go see someone if things don't get better. It is true that a lot of WLS patients get divorced after they lose their weight. We change and sometimes our family has a hard time making the change. Make sure you talk about it and he is willing to make the change and then be patient with him. It will take him a lot longer to make the change than it will take you.
Good luck.