Depression and anxiety can be devastating monsters - ThinnerTimes

aesidwell · 03-15-2007, 10:51 AM

I started to write that in another thread and realized I wasn't speaking to the poster, but talking about myself. I haven't been on lately, mostly because I've been trying to convince myself that everything is okay, I'm just busy, but...well, not really.

Andrew, if you don't mind, I'm going to use your laundry list of questions from another thread to try and get this all out

Do you feel like you don't deserve to be losing this weight?
Many times (most of the time) I feel like a total fraud and not worthy at all. I look at myself and do not see the weight I've lost, just what's still there, and I look at the rolls and the clothes still not looking right, and I just want to scream in frustration and sadness that I can't seem to let myself be happy with any of it. I recognized that there were aspects of my regime that weren't the best (not eating BADLY, per se, but definitely not being as vigilant with portion sizes and relative protein/veggie/carb percentages, not exercising, drinking 2 glasses of wine a night or every other night), and joined the gym and got a personal trainer (still worried about making sure I can pay for that, but more later). I've been at the gym for a few weeks (3?) and have just GAINED WEIGHT since then. Haven't changed my eating habits (yes, working on that next), but my sabotage brain kicks in and says, "what's the point? you're going to fail just like you fail in everything else."

Are you not happy with how people react to the change in you?
My boss CONSTANTLY refers to it, and it's really wearing on me. I don't want to think about it every second of every day, because it's driving me insane. All I can see is the failure, the shortcomings, the pounds and rolls to overcome, and when she makes comments about what I need to do, or how much I've lost, or even if she compliments me (or anyone compliments me, now that I think about it) it makes me embarrassed. I have the hardest time accepting any compliment, because it always feels disingenuous, like the person is thinking, "You might have lost 165 pounds, but you still look fat and sloppy." Whether they actually ARE thinking that I don't know, but it's what I'm thinking whenever someone compliments me.

Is there something wrong at home?
My relationship with my boyfriend is fine, we're just struggling together over our home situation - not being very happy in our apartment, but not having nearly enough money for a house, and that has been a rollercoaster of emotions for months, because we were being strung along by his parents with a promise of help that has now fizzled into nothing. I feel stupid for even getting my hopes up over it, but, there it is. My problems at home seem like just general unhappiness in myself - not happy in my job, not happy with where I live, not happy with driving a car where every day I play the game of, "Will it start today?", not happy with what I earn, etc. Look, I know that's all pity party crap. I think today is just extra frustration and depression because I gained another 1/2 pound over the week despite the gym (now back to 190), and so far, every job I've interviewed with (4 now), has turned me down in favor of another candidate. The only way I ever learned to cope with disappointment was eating or withdrawing from the world, and I'm trying my best to not do either, but all the time, I just want to curl up in the corner of a room and cry, and shut out the world, because I feel like I just can't deal with it.

Arg, I hate sounding so melodramatic; I keep saying to myself, "SNAP OUT OF IT!" but I just keep feeling the pressure is compounding and every day I feel a little worse about myself, despite trying to pretend otherwise. I'm getting a bit scared. I've struggled with suicidal thoughts since I was barely a teenager, and the death fantasies are creeping back into my life again. I really don't want to go down that path, but I feel like I'm spiraling out of control with my anxiety and emotions.

And all of this seems magnified because I'm supposed to go to a college alumni event tonight and see old friends from college. I'm scared to death, and now I just want to hide from the whole thing, even though I know I should go, and I'm going to feel like even more of a loser if I turn tail and bail. The thought of going, however, and trying to look decent, is so overwhelmingly anxiety provoking, that the event doesn't seem at all enjoyable.

I'm sorry to write such a long, meandering, maudlin post. I just needed to get some of this stuff out.

Rachel · 03-15-2007, 11:27 AM

Dear Sweet Amanda HUGS!!! I am proud of you for being able to look inside yourself and see what is going on. It is usually helpful to get things out in writing it gives it perspective. Maybe it would be a good idea to go talk to a professional, there are medications that can help with this. You don't have to take them for the rest of your life, but it might be helpful for now considering all the hormones that are being released into your body during you weight loss.

You can let it out anytime you need to!! That is what we are here for sweetie. I hope you can feel better soon! {{{{{AMANDA}}}}}

Jennifer Miller · 03-15-2007, 11:28 AM

Depression is a common theme we all deal with on this forum.
Over the pass few months I have come to this board for help. It is amazing to read stories that match some of my feelings.
Self image it is the prime issue. It is hard for us to understand that our weight loss bodies look different and accept the reactions both good and bad from friends and relatives.
Last night at a support meeting, an old friend said," Jenni what has happen to you?" I told him I've lost 120lbs. Watching his eyes roll to back of his head, I offered,"I had WLS 15 months ago. But his negative reaction was hard to take.
But one has to realize you can't control people. It difficult not to turn these negative feeling inward. It takes practice and the help of someone to talk about your negative self image.
Also I've come to realize that I will be on Wellburtrin for the rest of my life.
My shrink and I are parteners, As long as my insurance covers the session I will go.
The combination has led to a better life. Amanda, maybe you need help.

lealphachienne · 03-15-2007, 12:01 PM

I have overcome depression, it hasn't ruled my life in months. There is hope and away out from underneath the weight depression puts on your life.

mauldinmama · 03-15-2007, 12:36 PM

I fight the monster daily....this has been a hard week....tomorrow will be better. I read everything you wrote and I gotta tell ya...you are not alone. But...this isn't something that will go away and it takes med's therapy and friends and support....

YOU are worth the trouble. In one of my wl support groups..We went around the room and had to give the next person a compliment and all we were aloud to say was thank you. You take those complements Own them and BELEIVE THEM!

Please get some help....there is alot of good inside of you....let it out!

Zenomia · 03-15-2007, 12:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by aesidwell

I'm sorry to write such a long, meandering, maudlin post. I just needed to get some of this stuff out.

Well Amanda, here I am relating 100% to your post and knowing all the thing to say that are the right things...yet I can't, because I am right there with ya! We certainly have gotten ourselves into a pickle haven't we? Guess we both need the same thing...Here's to hoping we find some divine advice or great intervention that saves us from ourselves!!! If nothing else, your not alone.

mauldinmama · 03-15-2007, 12:38 PM

Amanda muscle does weigh more...when you start lifting it is not uncommon in the begining for your weight to go up some.

JenBear7 · 03-15-2007, 02:03 PM

I have heard that Spring is the worst time of year for depression... And from the looks of a couple of you on the board I am starting to believe it! I understand where you are at (well except for the weight loss part).. there comes a time in our lives where we have to make the choice.. the choice to know we are depressed.. and Deal with it.. Or know we are depressed.. and let it deal with us. Who's stronger? its a Mind battle really... you can overcome.. you just have to figure out how.. and truth be told. YOU are the ONLY one that knows YOU well enough to get Yourself out of it!

I KNOW you have overcome a lot so far.. so I KNOW You will overcome this. Look at what you have been through? There isnt a weak person alive that could have done that... and YOU DID IT! You had your insides rearranged to try to improve your health.. now.. you need to take care of your mental health.. the good news is.. you dont have to have your mental rearranged .. except metaphoricallY!

GOod luck to all fo you suffering from depression.. May your perserverence be QUICK! (I already know you will perservere!)

Miss Kitty · 03-15-2007, 04:03 PM

Good for you for getting some of those monsters out of your head on the pages here! I've been in counseling for 2 years prior to my surgery and now just call my therapist whenever i need a "checkup" to talk about things. One of the things that I learned was that obese people use the many layers of fat to hide from the world, hide from our wounds, hide from relationships, hide from our fears, hide from everything that is bothering us, etc. You have lost an amazing amount of weight, but as those layers of fat come off, you need to deal with things. Find a therapist that you can help you through this time because YOU are so worth it!!!!!

CeeCee · 03-15-2007, 04:14 PM

Amanda, what do you mean "try" to look decent for that alumni event? Have you looked at your avatar? You're smokin'! Pull out the classiest thing you own- I always like "the little black dress"- and go forth and conquer! You've come so far, and have shown you've got real brass ones by going through all you have. Heck, enjoy yourself tonight!