Originally Posted by coptergirl

Hey all. I have missed checking in this week, but I have been stuck in a nightmare, and am waiting to wake up

Keith and I had a big going away bash last Sunday, and Sunday night as I was getting ready for bed, his phone blinged in that he had a text message. We have been having issues with him getting spam texts (or so he said), and all of the texts that were able to be displayed were from one girl - the one who sings in the band he is in. Very incriminating to an affair, so I confronted him, and he said that they have only texted one another and that it never got physical, but that she gives him what he needs by valuing who he is and what he does as a musician. Well, I called her promptly and reminded her that she is married with 3 kids, and to get the f*** away from my husband and to never contact him again. Keith got mad that I would dare violate his privacy (can we see that hand stuck in the cookie jar?!) and left for 2 hours to go think about things. In the meantime, I freaked out and called my bf, but then thought...gee...I wonder if Kelly's husband knows. So what did I do? I called her freaking husband and explained to him what I found and what had happened, and he said that he wasn't surprised as she has done this several times before, and that he should have left her 10 years ago!!! I went to Keiths My Space page, and found a love peom from her to him in his inbox, and I promptly replied to her to remind her the difference between a whore and a slut, and that she is a slut because she sure isn't getting paid. Felt good.

Anyways, when K got home, I confronted him and asked him if he loves me to which he replied yes, and I asked him if he wants to remain married to me to which he replied "I don't know". He is still undecided...which is a decision in and of itself. He just can't make up his mind, and keeps lashing out at me because he knows it is his fault.

WE haven't been really happy in a few years. Both of us contribute to that, I know. We tend to tear one another down quite a bit, and if there is an issue, it is so much easier to not deal with it, so we don't, but now we have a pile of crap that is sitting in the middle of the room...and he doesn't want to help me clean it up. Over the years I have begged to go to counseling, and he refuses...even now (his confidence was violated with a counselor he and his exwife saw years and years ago), and remains undecided as to whether or not he wants to stay married to me. He will be running away to NY mid-March when everything with the sale of the house closes...you know - no distractions of a girlfriend that begs you to stay because she is now alone with 3 kids (she dug her own damned grave!), and no distractions from a wife dumped. So hasta la vista ahole!!

Now - I am having surgery Friday the 9th, still need to pack to get myself over to my friends house and settled in. House closes 3/15, and I will just be getting home from the hospital where I need to trust a 41 year old man with the emotional stabiliity of a 13 yo with the move of all the stuff to local storage (all he wants is his clothes and guitars and guitar stuff). Then I need to prepare by setting up the wire transfers to go to accounts that he and I both have access to (ie dual signature required for withdrawl) so that he doesn't run off with the money. Then - and I know this sounds stupid- what about my babies?! I have 2 dogs adore - I do not want him to take them both to NY (he can have the 2nd one), but if he does leave one behind, what will I do with her until I move from my friends house into my own place (could be pushed up to mid-April)? On top of all that, because I had given my job plenty of notice, they found a replacement for me, and I am now out of a job 5/4 (they said they would continue to pay my salary for a couple of months so I wouldn't be out in the cold). There is so much happening. I know God is bigger than all of it, so I do have my times of peace, but then I have the emotional and the angry and the fearful moments. I am terrified of not being married, you guys, after 10 years of being with this guy. I do not like to be alone/lonely, and as long as we were ignoring issues, he was great and we got along fine (obviously not really), and had fun. I am so very sad. He seems so hardened to the whole thing and want to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it - and we all know that when you're married there needs to be consideration for the other person, and he is not willing. Period - not willing to try, not willing to do the work, not willing to win back trust...not willing to be with me.

I know this sounds pathetic, but I am just so confused, sad, betrayed, petrified, emotional etc., right now that I cannot think strait.

Please say a prayer that I wake up from this nightmare soon. Thanks for reading my rant