Still Grieving.. - ThinnerTimes

Christina · 12-10-2004, 09:34 AM

It was exactly four years ago today. It started out as a typical Sunday, although I was big and round (and not only because I was overweight) I was 31 weeks pregnant with identical twin girls. I woke up early because I had to pee really bad. I tried to go back to sleep because I was tired from being up all night (like every December 9th after that so far). I was unable to go back to sleep so I figured I would go ahead and get up, again being upset at Baby A for making me miserable the night before and not allowing me to sleep on my right side once again. Every time I tried to fall asleep or lay on my right side I would get a foot or hand or head or something right underneath my rib cage and get upset and finally roll over where her sister didn't mind much if I slept on her side. Anyway I took a shower, brushed my teeth and did my normal typical morning routine and then decided to clean the kitchen before watching some football. As I finished doing the dishes I got some cramping feelings but ignored them as it was pretty typical I thought. Then I bent over to get the dishwasher soap from underneath the sink and I felt the worst pain in my life.. I looked down and I had blood all over the floor. My first thought was to panic, but I knew I couldn't .. two little lives depended on me being calm and getting help. I called their Dad first?? I don't know why I even bothered but I left a voice mail telling him I was bleeding all over and in labor and calling 911. I hung up and called 911 at 8:26 AM. The ambulance arrived within about 5 or 6 minutes I suppose to find me laying on my livingroom floor in a pool of blood. The ride over was nervewracking they kept telling me not to push.. I said I don't have a choice I have to .. finally they pulled over for a minute and a very young (probably about 19 year old) medic stood there ready to catch a baby.. when I felt something being released from my body and looked at his face I had more fear than I have felt in my life.. his face turned pale and he shrieked.. the other medic said "that's the placenta, start rolling stat!" the Emergency Room staff was rushed and didn't really talk to me much other than asking me health questions and whatnot. I didn't know what was going on.. nobody answered my questions. Within 17 minutes of the inital call to 911 I had delivered the placenta (which should be last) and two non-viable baby girls. The social worker came in and asked if she could contact anyone.. I gave her John's Cell phone number and my parents phone number.. neither of whom would answer the phone. I kept asking how my girls were and what was going on but they would just try and comfort me and tell me they are getting the best possible care. Therefore I imagined they were alive. I thought that I had hope. An hour later the social worker and Dr. came in together with a sober look on their faces. I knew that it couldn't possibly be good news.. I started freaking out and saying don't say they died don't tell me they aren't alive!! The Doctor somberly said "we did everything medically possible to try and save them, but they never took a breath." they never took a breath.. those words have stuck into my head since. I was heart broken. Then he asked me when the last time was that I felt them move? Well I hadn't thought about that.. when you're pregnant you kind of get used to the little churning inside your body and don't really pay attention much, or at least I didn't that morning anyway. I thought back and realized that I hadn't felt them move since I got angry the night before because she wouldn't let me sleep on that side. I remember getting angry and bouncing on the other side in anger. Do I feel guilty about that now?? You bet I do. I told the Dr. that I didn't feel them since the night before and asked if I had killed them. He said no no you didn't, they were not viable. They died several hours before you delivered. I asked why the placenta came out first, since I wasn't diagnosed with placenta previa. He said that it is possible that the babies had died and the weight of them settling to the bottom of my uterus caused the placenta to tear from my body. I still don't know how this happened, but I do know that I was alone, afraid, and really really sad. I asked if I could see them and hold them. They did not hesitate to bring them to me and I held them and cried for nearly an hour. They were so tiny and so beautiful. They had my nose! They had no hair, with the exception of some little blonde buds forming from the scalp but not much. I counted thier fingers and toes and sat there and cried. Finally the social worker came back in and took them away. When they brought them in I found it odd that they had dressed them but I think they did that for me and one of the nurses took pictures for me because I couldn't afford to buy a packet. The girls suffered from twin to twin transfusion syndrome and one was a lot bigger than the other. I had a surgery at about 15 weeks gestation and went to Florida to do so because there are only 3 Dr.'s in the US that deal with that problem. Anyway that is what in the long run killed them. I still feel guilty like if I had done this or that they would be here. I feel sad because today I should be planning their fourth birthday party. I feel sad also because this year I can't stand in the mirror sideways and see the belly and kind of talk to them knowing they aren't there.. but well you Mom's out there know what I mean.. I know it sounds silly. Anyway I feel empty in a way. Ok in a big way. They would have loved Stuart!! I wonder what they would look like now if they were here and what kind of personalities they would have. I feel sad because who knows if my parents will be here if we have kids and if they will watch them grow up like my nieces and nephews.. I know that God has a reason for everything and I know that in the long run that by not having the girls I no longer have to deal with my ex boyfriend who was a horrible person to begin with. They are better off without him for a Dad and I know that. But it still hurts.

Sorry if I offended anyone by posting this.. but my heart is really sad right now and I just needed to get it out and tell my story. This is part of what makes me who I am today.. that which does not kill you, makes you stronger right? That is why since that day I have not settled in relationships.. because if I were to get pregnant again I wanted it to be with someone who deserved to be a father. Now if it happens, it will be with my loving and adoring husband who would not abandon me and run away.

Thanks for letting me vent here today.. December 10th is a really sad day for me, I hope one day it will be easier..

To my beautiful daughters.. Courtney Rae and Lindsey Marie.. I love you both so very much.. and will never forget you..

Americanwoman397 · 12-10-2004, 10:00 AM

OH my gosh Christina I'm sitting here in tears. I'm so sorry for what you went through with that. I wish there was something I could say or something I could do to make it better for you. I know what its like to lose a child. I was not as far along as you but I was about 2 or 2 1/2 months along when I lost my baby. I found out and in 10 days the baby was gone from a miscarriage. I went a long time blaming myself because I was young and doing a lot of drinking and things at the time. I had no idea I was pregant. The Dr say there is nothing I could have done because a lot of woman deliver perfect babies and they drink the first month or two.

I want to wrap my arms around you with the biggest hug ever. If you ever need a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to call me girl I'll always be here for you.

I LOVE YOU

watergirl · 12-10-2004, 10:13 AM

God keep you and hold you tight today. I'm crying with you for your great loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

"That is why since that day I have not settled in relationships.. because if I were to get pregnant again I wanted it to be with someone who deserved to be a father. Now if it happens, it will be with my loving and adoring husband who would not abandon me and run away." You are in safe and loving hands with Stuart! God bless you both, especially today!

Love you.

pambragg · 12-10-2004, 11:47 AM

Kina,
I am sitting here with tears pouring down my face, my heart is breaking for you. I, too, lost a set of twins when my youngest was only 3 months old. I didn't get to know what they were but in my heart I think of them as girls. God was looking out for me because I would have had 4 kids under 3 when they would have been born, and then Christopher was diagnosed as a SIDS near miss and was in the hosp for a month and on a monitor at home for a year. I truly believe that God won't give us something we can't handle but let me tell you, it was a bitch. I didn't even KNOW I was pregnant when I miscarried the first one, I had been breast feeding and had no period. I just want to hold you in my arms and take your pain away. You and Stuart will get a chance to be the wonderful parents that He intended you to be. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers today. I love you sweetie.

Christina · 12-10-2004, 11:53 AM

I knew I could count on you to lift my spirits. I am doing ok now. Don't get me wrong my heart is sad. However, I know there is something wonderful in the works for me and I know that Stuart is part of that. If he doesn't work too many hours tonight we will be spending the time together and I know he will give me big hugs from all of you guys too!!

I just love you guys.. thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable and completely open and honest with you all. This is not an easy story to tell, but I had to get it out today.. so that I could go on with the rest of my day. Thank you guys also for sharing your losses with me and letting me know I am not alone. I am truly deeply sorry for both of you and your losses.

I love you guys!! I'm sorry if I brought tears to your eyes.. those weren't my intentions.. I just had to get it out ya know?? Not good to bottle things up.. I have done that for way too long.. and filled my emptiness with food. Today I am making healthy food choices and doing well now that I know that I can talk to someone about this.. thanks again Tonya, Kim and Pam.. I love you guys more than you know!!!

bridgetgirl · 12-10-2004, 12:43 PM

You have so much love in your heart...... Im sorry for your loss. When the time comes for you to do it all over again, Im sure it will be nothing less than perfect and wonderful. The stuff stories are made of.

Your story has touched my heart, in more ways than one. Be strong, I love your face.

Karen Wright · 12-10-2004, 12:44 PM

Baby girl, Kina! I love you sister. I will say a prayer for your comfort and remember...you will be reunited with your girls again, some day!

triciaknox · 12-10-2004, 01:28 PM

Christina,

I didn't have tears, though I don't know why. I lost my little girl 22 years ago now. One minute I was pregnant, and the next (it seemed) I was in the worst pain of my life and then she was gone. I know how you feel, I really do. Just over 3 years later I gave birth to my son, Chris......three months early. He almost died, I did die, but they brought me back. I was not allowed to try to have any more babies after that. I grieved for years, still do every June. So I know how you feel. God has plans for you, and they will be good. We all love you!

cha cha · 12-10-2004, 01:42 PM

You must be the strongest woman I know! Your daughters must be very proud of you! I hope you get through this day a little easier next year! Bless the little angels.

Christina · 12-10-2004, 02:33 PM

Bridget, Tricia, Karen, and Cha Cha.. thank you so much for your love and support. It means more to me than you will ever know.

I will be ok.. because I have the best friends and man in the world.. I love you guys!!!!!!!!