Details (per request) - ThinnerTimes

Alleusion · 11-24-2006, 07:32 PM

Okay so here are the dirty details :

I met Andrew in June. We met online. I was already miserable in my marriage and had been for years and years. I had made the decision to initiate divorce proceedings approximately a month before ever meeting Andrew. However, because I kept all this to myself, everyone thinks the decisions of the past few months are rash and "all of a sudden". So, I meet Andrew and we talked through internet voice chat, msn, email, etc. It wasn't long before I knew that there was potentially something there. But because I was wavering on the divorce issue, I told him I was married and basically didn't tell him how things had deteriorated.

He had begun to think that there was something there as well and because he felt like he was enroaching on another man's territory, he tried to back away gracefully. By this time, I had made my decision, and was trying to find a way to break it to my husband. I didn't want to let Andrew walk away.

For so long I had felt like there was something missing in my life. I thought, if I got a job I'd be happy. So I got a job I loved and cried every night still. Then I thought well I'd be happy if I wasn't fat. So I started the process to lose weight through Jenny Craig. It was horrible and still I was miserable. Then I decided that the job I'd loved for 3 years was what was making me so depressed. After quitting my job, I was worse off then ever. Deciding it was because I was nearing 300 pounds, I went to my doctor to start WLS. I had the surgery and was semi-happy. Keep in mind the husband was on deployment at this time and I was doing all the duties of mom and dad and was happy to be alone (sans man).

So last Feb. he came home from deployment and after losing 80 pounds, all I got from him by way of reaction was "where's the car I want to go home". No, hey hun you look great, I'm so proud of you....etc. Over the next few months, all he could say was how sexy I looked and how much he wanted sex. I began to feel like an object. The fighting started. I realized I was still miserable. The depression I'd had from before the surgery was still there.

The more he was home, the more miserable I was. When I met Andrew, I didn't know how starved I was for someone to just talk to me. And we talked, most nights until 2 in the morning (and he's on eastern time too). We talked about everything and anything we could think of. It was something my heart needed. I'd been aching for someone to talk to for so long that I'd buried that need. Andrew gave me the emotional healing I'd been trying to get from so many other sources.

He's been by my side through this whole mess. It's been 5 months since we met and we're already talking babies and marriage (not in that order). We have met face to face and the 4 days we were given were not enough. There are plans for a longer visit down the road.

I walked into hell and stayed there for fourteen long years (starting with my daughter's father). When the time came for me to stand on my own and put my foot down, I saw I had people behind me, beside me. People like the wonderful people here, people like Andrew. I told him once that he was my wow moment. I think we both cried a little at that. I'm in love. I know now what love feels like and I don't have to settle anymore. My children and I deserve so much better.

Of course I'll update as new things develop....

ps. anyone know the legalities of filing a tax return as married filing separately and keeping said refund all to yourself?

pps. I bought new jeans today in a size 10 and they fit perfectly!!!!

staci · 11-24-2006, 09:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alleusion

I walked into hell and stayed there for fourteen long years (starting with my daughter's father). When the time came for me to stand on my own and put my foot down, I saw I had people behind me, beside me. People like the wonderful people here, people like Andrew. I told him once that he was my wow moment. I think we both cried a little at that. I'm in love. I know now what love feels like and I don't have to settle anymore. My children and I deserve so much better.

You do sound miserable in your present relationship, but you are kidding yourself if you think that you are standing on your own now. You have another man waiting in the wings before you resolve the relationship your currently in? You're already talking marriage and babies? You are not going to find happiness in any man if you cannot find it within yourself first hun.

Good luck

momronda2k · 11-24-2006, 09:49 PM

Jenny, I think I can give you advise on the tax return, but please check with someone like H&R Block. You can probably just call them and ask the questions too. Legally, you can file married filing separately or married filing head of household IF you had your own place more and providing a roof for your children for over 6 months of the year. If you shared the home jointly with your spouse, you may not be able to file that way, because he would then indeed be entitled to half the return. Again, please call a tax professional. The more than 6 months of providing the household financially and solely is going to be the key.
YAHOO on the size 10. I am so happy for you

Alleusion · 11-24-2006, 09:55 PM

In terms of standing on my own, you'd have to know the full details of the relationship, both the marriage and the one waiting for me. Unfortunately, that's not something i'm willing to discuss online.

Something I don't understand is when someone throws out an idea and other people automatically think it's a done deal. Just because a topic is under discussion doesn't mean I'm hopping on the next plane to Ontario. Give me a little credit. I'm an adult and I know my responsibilities.

I'm seeing a counselor now and have multiple support group meetings a month (3 at last count). I'm well on my way to becoming healed. I'm not looking for happiness in someone else. Just looking to find out who I am, and be okay with that.

goingslimfast · 11-24-2006, 10:47 PM

Do what makes you happy! You have one life to live, so go and live it!!!

Good Luck,

lealphachienne · 11-24-2006, 11:55 PM

I'm not in your shoes and you're not asking for advice...so I say, do what you feel is best and I wish you the best. I had a friend who was engaged for 7 years, ,marriage lasted 2 months......I was engaged 3 months after I met my first ex...lasted 12 years. I have seen arranged marriages work fo 60 years until death...I have also seen people divorce afte 40 years....it doens't matter what length of time the knowing, it's the daily commitment to each other that makes a relationship work.

As for the depression, you may have a chronic condition that no matter the situation, you may have to battle with for the rest of your life. Just because it's brain based, doens't make it less of a medical condition than having heart disease or obesity.

Duckie · 11-25-2006, 12:48 AM

Congratulations and best of luck to you. I'm glad you are happy. I know you had been miserable for a long time. {{{{Jenny}}}}

Ruca · 11-25-2006, 11:22 AM

Jenny I have been rooting for you and Andrew since the day we talked about this months and months ago. I see how your face lights up when you talk about him, and I see that glow that you have inside when you are talking about him.

I know you know what is right for you and the kids and I am elated and excited for you that you have found someone that helps you see the beautiful person you are inside.

Depression is a monster but having those around you loving, supportive, and just willing to listen is a very positive step toward becoming whole again. I have seen the love you have for your children, and I know that there is a lot of self love and pride inside you too. I have heard and seen it in you.

Sometimes being in an over bearing relationship drags us down. I have been there. Sometimes you just know when the time to move on is here.

I have nothing but high hopes and good wishes for you, andrew and the kids!

Alleusion · 11-25-2006, 01:20 PM

Quote:

it doens't matter what length of time the knowing, it's the daily commitment to each other that makes a relationship work.

Marie, you're totally right on this. I knew Leroy for 1 month before we were living together (I was 18), married 5 months later, baby born 9 months after that. Because of the navy he's been gone for all but 3 years of our marriage and his son's life. We grew up but not together. We just stopped trying.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tammy C

Jenny I have been rooting for you and Andrew since the day we talked about this months and months ago. I see how your face lights up when you talk about him, and I see that glow that you have inside when you are talking about him.

I know you know what is right for you and the kids and I am elated and excited for you that you have found someone that helps you see the beautiful person you are inside.

Depression is a monster but having those around you loving, supportive, and just willing to listen is a very positive step toward becoming whole again. I have seen the love you have for your children, and I know that there is a lot of self love and pride inside you too. I have heard and seen it in you.

Sometimes being in an over bearing relationship drags us down. I have been there. Sometimes you just know when the time to move on is here.

I have nothing but high hopes and good wishes for you, andrew and the kids!

Tammy, thank you. You have no idea how much better this makes me feel. I've been finishing up the move today and found my wedding album and other pictures and it just got me down. Made me wonder why I let someone like him get to me.

Andrew is making tentative plans to come out here in March and not leave until I can go with him. We're going to make this work and we will find the light at the end.

kittens4 · 11-25-2006, 01:49 PM

Jenny, you seem very sweet and deserve happiness. I say, do whatever you need to so that you can be happy. I recall going through my divorce, and I went right into another relationship with Sam...before my divorce was even final...and ya know what, that was 18 years ago, and Sam and I are still together and very happy. Lots of people gave me advice, lots of people didn't think I should be with Sam, but I knew it was right, and eventually, everyone came around....and now everyone loves us! lol! We are the cutest couple EVER!

Hang in there...and don't let the idiots bring you down! Life is too short for all that bullshit...just be happy!!!!!