So, I've been gradually going downhill for the past week - not interested in jogging, smoking too many cigarettes, then on Monday I had a little sugar frenzy and had two Reese's Peanut Butter cups... Yeah, it's been getting worse. I've been telling myself that it's just getting close to that time of the month and that I'm PMSing, but that only holds up
IF nothing else is going on, and well... something else is definitely going on.
After blowing off another workout this morning, I decided to come clean and have "the talk" with my husband that I've been postponing for a while now. It's not even that I knew what I was going to say, but that SOMETHING had to be said. We've had a rocky relationship since the start, something which is both of our faults. I grew up in horrible conditions, never had a healthy relationship, didn't trust or expect much from men, hated myself, totally codependent, blah blah blah; he grew up in an alcoholic household, has battled alcoholism for years, likes to view himself as the vulgar/vile/drunk/drugged writer, and has been suicidally depressed since being diagnosed with MS over two years ago. I'm sure that all of this is a new dimension of our relationship that most (if not all) of you didn't know about... well, that's why this post is called "coming clean."
Anyway, as I'm getting happier and healthier, he's either stayed the same or regressed. We had a big discussion right after my surgery when we were both home on disability about the fact that I definitely saw myself headed in a direction that would totally separate us if he didn't do something about where he was headed. He got his sh** together (some of it anyway) and started exercising more, watching what he ate, and attempting to work (his disabilities from MS keep him in and out of disability, but when he can work it's in his best interest to do so.) He's lost almost 50 lbs to my 120, and has felt better in many ways... BUT he hasn't done anything about taking care of his MS. One of the symptoms of his MS is manic-depression (bi-polar) and although he takes an anti-depressant, there are dozens of things that he could do to manage his disease(s) better and he simply won't. Not can't, like he says, but won't. Ultimately, MS has been a total mindbender for him (which I completely understand) and he has not yet decided whether he wants to take care of himself and live as full of a life as he can muster... or whether he wants to die young, handsome, and still able to walk and talk. I've lived with this for 2 and a half years, and I'm so sorry that I cannot do it any more.
I'm posting this here because I think that a lot of us post-ops are probably going through relationship issues. I talked to Kelly about it today in my 6-month visit - Dr. Callery's office has always been very upfront with the fact that their post-op divorce statistics are unbearably high. I told her today that I think it's because when you take a person who is very physically and emotionally unhealthy the chances of them having a healthy relationship are very slim. (no pun intended
) For the past 7 years, while confronting all of my personal issues, I've been reminded over and over and over again of how young I was when I got married (22); how I chose someone who, although non-violent, had many of the characteristics of the men who were my father figures; how I settled because I was so surprised that someone who was smart and attractive could want to be with me. It's so hard to admit those things, but they are true.
I'm actually starting to LOVE myself for the first time in my life. Over the past few months, I've had more hope for the future than I ever believed possible. I'm terrified and excited and so freaking happy, I barely know who I am anymore... and that's okay because when I think about who I used to be, all I can see is a dark cloud.
Stretton's been telling me for years (maybe even since we first met) that I'm too good for him. Whenever we had arguments, he always said that I could do better than him. I always figured that his self-esteem was so low he couldn't see the plain truth - that ugly, fat, horrible me did the best that I could ever expect to do by marrying him. Now, I'm not ugly or fat or horrible - I'm smart and talented and beautiful and I have an optimism that can even survive last week's election
and just as I finally feel like my outsides are starting to match my insides, I want my relationship to be a reflection of all of that hope and beauty. For the first time in my life, I'm starting to believe that I might be worth it.
I'm terribly afraid of what people are going to say about this post, but you guys and gals have helped me through some dark stuff in the past, so I'm hoping (there's that word again) that you'll have some nuggets of wisdom and reflection to pass along. Love ya, B
Coming Clean (long)
Thank you so much, Kim.
Doing What is Right for You
All of us deserve happiness, success and love. Even me...even YOU. 
Linear Mode
